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A Message from Michele
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Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce #2888268
03/05/20 07:39 PM
03/05/20 07:39 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 238
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rooskers Offline OP
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rooskers  Offline OP
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I have moved over from the Newcomers forum because I am divorced and most of my issues surround how to navigate the difficult time following the loss of my marriage and family.

Short Summary

In 2008 my then wife had an affair on me with the husband of a couple we were very close friends with. He decided to work it out with his wife and left my then wife. My wife then put me through pain for four months before miraculously deciding to reconcile. We attended MC for about a year and it appeared we were reconciled for the next ten years. Last May she BD me again but this time denied another affair. D14 witnessed her having the affair with her best friend's dad. I asked my wife if she wanted to be married or if she loved me at all and she said "no". She pulled D14 out of class at her school and told her "I don't love your dad, I want him to raise you, and I will see you sometimes." She then left D14 at the school in my arms screaming school. She came by the next day and picked up all her stuff and has never been back. I asked her what she wanted in the divorce and she said that she wanted D14 every other weekend, I could have the house, and all other financial stuff can be split in half. She didn't want any of her Christmas ornaments, pictures, etc from the house at all. Within two months we were divorced and she never talked about our 22 years together after the BD.

She left and didn't contact D14 all summer while she went to concerts, the lake, and on trips with her new friends. The end of summer she wanted to see D14 but the visitation didn't go well. When official visitations started XW has gaslighted, yelled at, threatened, guilt tripped D14, until finally D14 thought about suicide and gave a half-hearted attempt at it. Their relationship has continued to degrade to the point D14 has hired her own lawyer to understand her rights and have an advocate to protect her legal rights as it pertains to her mom. After being cussed out and threatened in her last visit D14 is seeking to cut all overnight visitation with her mom and limiting it to two days a month.

As I pulled away after the divorce and communicated only through email and only responded to things related to D14 or financial matters, XW started getting more angry in her emails. I didn't respond to the threats or anger and this is when the abuse accusations started. Since I was never in physical contact with her the abuse allegations went away and in started the accusations of manipulating D14 and causing irreparable harm to their relationship. As D14 progressed through IC on her own and XW demanded to see the therapists notes, the accusations that it was my fault their relationship suffering stopped. Now, XW is accusing me of being abusive but this time it was during our 22 years together and that is why she had to leave. Finally she has hired a lawyer to reopen the Divorce Judgement because I have been accused of manipulating and coercing her into signing it when she didn't even know what she was signing.

My goal this year was to "Let it go!" but it appears I am still in survival mode.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2888270
03/05/20 07:57 PM
03/05/20 07:57 PM
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
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doodler Offline
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rooskers,

Welcome! Your story was difficult to read; it's hard to imagine a mom being so cruel to her own daughter. It can take a long time to let things go so don't be too hard on yourself in the meantime.

Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2888271
03/05/20 07:58 PM
03/05/20 07:58 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
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kml Online
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kml  Online
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Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
Wow - so very sorry.

What is she looking for in the divorce judgment? In reality, if she got half of all the money except for the house equity, and you are raising your daughter (presumably without financial help from her?) then it doesn't seem like it was that bad a settlement (unless she was a SAHM for the duration of your marriage and would have been entitled to some spousal support).

Truthfully, she probably is mentally ill or addicted but if she had her own lawyer during the divorce proceedings I don't see how she has a case. If she didn't and has some kind of official diagnosis other than midlife crisis, she might have a case. Consult with your lawyer and take his advice on how best to handle it. And if you do have to pay something more, bear in mind the original settlement probably wasn't completely fair because she as in such a rush to get out.

None of that excuses the bullsh!t she has thrown your way, and she might not be mentally ill but just have a personality disorder. What do you think it is? Bipolar mania, drug addiction, or personality disorder? It's definitely more than just garden variety MLC. (You might want to read DnJ's original threads - he's in MLC forum - his wife was similarly crazy).

The worst thing is the effect on your daughter. I'm glad she has her own advocate.

Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2888442
03/07/20 01:11 AM
03/07/20 01:11 AM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,854
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JujuB Offline
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Iím sorry you and your daughter are dealing with this. No child should have to experience this.

I canít help but think, itís the reason we shouldnít try to prevent divorce with cheaters. Eventually they do it again and as everyone gets older - it just becomes more difficult. People like that are entitled and dishonest and irresponsible. You sound like an amazing dad and your daughter is lucky to have you


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2889306
03/13/20 11:13 PM
03/13/20 11:13 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 238
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rooskers Offline OP
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rooskers  Offline OP
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Posts: 238
Quote
What is she looking for in the divorce judgment? In reality, if she got half of all the money except for the house equity, and you are raising your daughter (presumably without financial help from her?) then it doesn't seem like it was that bad a settlement (unless she was a SAHM for the duration of your marriage and would have been entitled to some spousal support).

She wants half the equity in the house she originally wanted me to have so I could raise D14 in. She wants her 25% equity in my parents house since we bailed my parents out couple years ago to prevent them from becoming homeless. She wants the difference in the value of her car and my car (I have a Dodge Dart and she has a Hyundai Elantra and the difference is like $2,000). We split the retirement but wants more of it back. I was the stay at home dad for 10 years and get spousal support and so she doesn't want to pay any of it anymore. She now wants full custody and custodial custody (my guess is so she doesn't have to pay child support). She wants me to be charged with fraud, abuse due to forcing her to sign the divorce papers under duress, and usury.

In summary:

Forced liquidation of my house
Forced liquidation of my parents house
Stop all spousal support and child support payments
Full custody of D14
Pay her legal fees
My car

Why does this person hate me so much? I loved her with all my heart, D14 loved her, and we were the envy of all our friends. She wanted to leave so I didn't stop her, she wanted a quick divorce so I gave her that, she wanted to never talk about our R so I haven't, she wanted me to raise D14 so I am. All questions I just need to let go and I realize that. Yes I have a lawyer and text and email evidence that show I never committed fraud, abuse, put her under duress, prevented her from seeing D14, or anything else she has accused me of. My lawyer literally laughed when he read the papers served. He is not worried in the slightest. It still hurts though. One night I went to bed with the best family in the world and the next day my family was destroyed frown


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2889334
03/14/20 04:26 PM
03/14/20 04:26 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,849
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline
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I think it may help a bit if you think of this as some kind of sickness on her part - one that you didn't cause and cannot cure. I do not believe it's personal, even though I'm sure it feels very personal. Let your lawyer take the lead. xo


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2889363
03/15/20 12:36 AM
03/15/20 12:36 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,498
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DnJ Offline
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Hello rooskers

Your situation is eerily similar to my own. There are very few mothers who totally abandon their own children. Illness or crisis or whatever - imagine the inner torment it must take to change someone so much they would throw away their children. It is barely conceivable.

I know how it feels. I cuddled my wife, awoke to Thanksgiving Day, a day of games and family. Enjoyed a wonderful turkey supper, then a surprise announcement from my wife - she stood up at the end of the table and told me, the four kids, and my parents that she was leaving, her affair, and I could have the house, the cars, the money, and the kids, unless I didnít want them then she would have to take them. She left that night with OM; he came and picked her up. By the way he is my neighbour, living 1 mile away. She ran less than a mile away, but it is worlds apart.

Our divorce require each of us to have legal representation. Her L was flabbergasted at what she was doing. He forced her to see two financial planners, and sign waivers, on top of everything else, to prove that she was knowingly and willingly doing this. She left everything, save most of her clothes, a laundry basket, the bathroom scale, some frozen fruits and vegetables, and a coffee mug. Nothing else, no pictures, no pets, no money, no pension, no gifts from the kids, nothing that would connect her to her past life. She was a stay at home mom who ran a daycare at our house. She raised kids for 24 years.

Most divorce decrees are good and binding. Mine own required being separated for at least one year and then apply for divorce which takes time to grant and then gets enacted 30 days later - lots of time to change oneís mind. XW jumped the gun and actually applied for divorce 3 weeks early. I got served the papers. smile I never pushed the process, she rushed everything along.

My XW is like your wife. They become different people - completely. There is nothing you can say to her that she will hear or would be willing to hear - at the moment. The future is thankfully unknown and you have being given a gift of time which I suspect you have been using wisely.

Navigating the time after oneís divorce, and the resulting family problems and shifts in dynamics, does take time. Focus on you and your kids. Let go XW. Let go the fear. Discover you and your beliefs. Strengthen the beliefs you desire, alter or discard those that do not serve you. Live those beliefs. Physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual paths do align. One can heal and live in peace and gentle happiness.

Stay strong and live in the light.

DnJ


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S22 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2889401
03/15/20 05:11 PM
03/15/20 05:11 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 238
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rooskers Offline OP
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Thank you for your words everyone. Letting go of the fear is currently my biggest obstacle. I thought once the divorce was finalized last summer I wouldn't have to worry about all the stuff she wants to go back to court for. I told myself after she signed the papers, "you have a house, job, emergency savings, daughter who loves you, and your health, so you have nothing to fear." Since the divorce I have been gradually piecing a new life back together with D14 and even with the ups and downs we have grown so much closer which I didn't even think was possible. Before I got served papers both D14 and I were even daring to dream of our new life and how great we could make it. We can still dream but it is so difficult with the possible reopening of the divorce decree. I have always been pretty rock solid in my beliefs and through this journey I have learned that they have and will serve me well. Through out this whole process I have never attacked, threatened, or begged my XW. She wanted to go and I said "ok" and watched her leave. It broke my heart but I knew she had to go through whatever it was she needed to without me. I just wish she would leave me alone. She wanted to leave so I didn't stop her, she wanted me to raise D14 so I am, she wanted me to never contact her in person so I haven't, she wanted me to let her go so I did, she wanted me to move on so I am, but the more I do these things the more hostile she becomes.

Quote
Focus on you and your kids. Let go XW. Let go the fear. Discover you and your beliefs. Strengthen the beliefs you desire, alter or discard those that do not serve you. Live those beliefs. Physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual paths do align. One can heal and live in peace and gentle happiness.


This is very similar to the goals I set for myself at the beginning of the year and the closer I reach them the angrier XW seems to become and the more she wants to hurt me and D14.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2889410
03/15/20 07:40 PM
03/15/20 07:40 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,498
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DnJ Offline
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DnJ  Offline
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Hello

Originally Posted by rooskers
Letting go of the fear is currently my biggest obstacle. I thought once the divorce was finalized last summer I wouldn't have to worry about all the stuff she wants to go back to court for.

That is a good thought.

You donít have to worry.

Worrying is praying for something you donít want.

See the strikeout text ^^^. That is reinforcing your fear.

Letting go of fear and worry isnít because a possible future event canít or wonít happen. It comes from the rationalization that you cannot control what she is going to do. You have done all you can do. Papers are signed and things sorted out. Let go. You will deal with stuff if it comes up.

Originally Posted by rooskers
I told myself after she signed the papers, "you have a house, job, emergency savings, daughter who loves you, and your health, so you have nothing to fear."

After D we take stock and see where we are. Fear is gone because divorce and spilt of assets has happened. It is no longer a possible future event. We take stock and figure out how to move forward. We control what we can.

Loss of control is a big part of fear. It feeds that irrational trigger/emotion and reinforces itself. Uncouple that.

The possible future opening of the divorce decree is, as you have stated, a source of worry and fear. Push pass the initial and see what you are afraid of. It is not the opening of the decree, it is changing the decree. It is losing more stuff.

Rationalize this and uncouple it. Let go.

Originally Posted by rooskers
Yes I have a lawyer and text and email evidence that show I never committed fraud, abuse, put her under duress, prevented her from seeing D14, or anything else she has accused me of. My lawyer literally laughed when he read the papers served. He is not worried in the slightest.


Follow your lawyerís lead. He is not worried.

To further the letting go the fear of loss. Your health - XW canít take that. You daughterís love - XW canít take that. Your spirit, beliefs, honour, loyalty, hope, faith, God - no one can take that away from you!

The very most important things in life, no one can steal away, we give them away, and lose them ourselves. We therefore can also regain them. See that and fear not. Follow your beliefs, and what matters most will always remain.

Originally Posted by rooskers
This is very similar to the goals I set for myself at the beginning of the year and the closer I reach them the angrier XW seems to become and the more she wants to hurt me and D14.

I, of course, do admire and respect those goals. smile

It is likely XW will lash out the more you heal and move forward. It matters not. Her behaviour and actions do not limit nor steer what you do - focus on you.

Let her waves of anger crash against your strength and beliefs. Weather her storm, be a stanchion, stand for you and D14. All storms eventually blow themselves out. Be stronger than the storm. Be more than the storm.

This is upon you on four fronts, four paths.

The intellectual path, the business side, the divorce decree. Remain logical and intellectual, rational and reasoned, continue to go through your lawyer.

The emotional path, is irrational. The strengthen of logic and reason do exist within this realm. You already possess a compassion towards XW. You have detachment. Compassionate indifference allows oneís heart to remain squishy and flex to the emotional pressures. A rigid and protected heart will shatter under too much pressure and cannot grow encased within itís calcified cocoon. Compassionate indifference gives you both protection and growth.

The physical path, our behaviours and interactions. These also greatly influences our healing and our other paths. It is often underestimated. Iíve many times recommended, a gentle and peaceful life starts with closing the cupboard door in a gentle and peaceful manner. Our physical actions have an unspoken and yet loud affect upon us. Ensure your actions are leading you where you want to go.

The spiritual path, your beliefs. It is good to read about your rock solid beliefs and how they have served and do serve you. Our beliefs are the underpinnings, the foundation, and the summation of everything we are. Living misaligned with oneís beliefs leads to chaos. It is so important to discover oneís beliefs and ensure they are what you want. Alter and strengthen and live them.


The waves that at first contained so much power, crashed, and threatened to smash everything. Rigidly I stood, trying to be strong, trying to find strength against the forces that rhythmically and ceaselessly pushed. I feared. I weakened. I toppled.

Slowly, I rose up. Strength needs flexibility. Compassion needs indifference. Understanding needs empathy. Acceptance needs forgiveness.

The waves that at first contained so much power, no longer crash, no longer threaten. Was it the wave that crashed against me, or me against the wave? Nowadays the storm is nothing, literally nothing. Whatever blows my way passes through with hardly a disturbance.

Looking back, her storm was cruel, and formidable. But it was my storm that toppled me. My fears were the waves that crashed and almost destroyed me.

We face many storms. It is the one inside us that is most powerful. And is the one we can actual do something about.

I believe you are on an excellent path; all four of them.

DnJ


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S22 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Consequences of Infidelity and Divorce [Re: rooskers] #2891059
03/31/20 08:43 AM
03/31/20 08:43 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 238
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rooskers Offline OP
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rooskers  Offline OP
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I was so excited today for completing my taxes and and filing them electronically. My excitement turned to confusion when I got an email two hours later saying my tax returns were rejected. Apparently my ex has decided to claim D on her tax returns even though the divorce decree says I am to be the one to claim her. Not only does the divorce decree say I get to claim her but since I am the custodial parent and she lives with me the majority of the year the IRS says I get to claim her. Now I have to file my taxes by paper and wait for the letter from the IRS telling me D14 has been claimed by two people and to provide proof that I am the one to be able to claim her. Then it is likely we will both be audited. The end result is I will be able to claim her as a dependent and my EX will have to pay penalties along with losing the deduction to the IRS. Does this type of stupid stuff ever end?

I got an email from my EX saying that she wanted D14 to bring over homework so she could help her with it. D14 had been falling a little behind since classes are all online now and she was a little confused at the beginning. I sent all D14's homework with her and we even made a list on what she needed to accomplish. When D14 got there she went up to her room and didn't leave for the two and a half days. Her mother never asked about her homework, never engaged her and just left food outside her door. D14 said they didn't really communicate at all and then her mother brought her home about a half hour early. D14 feels like she just wastes her life when she is over there. At the beginning of this whole thing I tried to give her ideas and ways she could try to interact with her mother but those have all failed and it caused a backlash against me so I stopped. D14's counselor has tried similar things but this amounted to nothing as well.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
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