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A Message from Michele
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Re: Starting the process [Re: unchien] #2886203
02/18/20 07:39 PM
02/18/20 07:39 PM
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TBSakaJ9 Offline
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My XW and I did not go to mediation as both of us were agreeable on everything. My friend, that is a judge, told me there is no sense in mediating over what you already agree on.

You can't control how she perceives you just don't let the love you have for her cloud your judgement and cause you to accept something less than you want because she portrays you as a bad father. Don't let those words scare you into accepting something you don't want.

I would have drained every account I have if my XW tried to take full custody of my kids from me and was not agreeable to 50/50.

You don't have to be mean or declare war you just have to not budge off what you want. You can say "No, I don't agree to this" in a very respectful and polite tone.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Starting the process [Re: unchien] #2887954
03/03/20 03:48 PM
03/03/20 03:48 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,371
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unchien Offline OP
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unchien  Offline OP
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Posts: 1,371
We finally have a second mediation session later this week.

I'm curious if anybody here tried mediation for a bit, then found it didn't work and had to choose another path (shuttle mediation? lawyer-mediated agreement? court?). What were the signs that mediation wasn't going to work for you?

I did not assert myself enough during the first session. I was trying to be civil and respectful, but ended up allowing my W to control the topics the entire time.

I have a plan this time. I expect to get some traction on financial items. If not, I will now what I need to do. We are over-spending by such an obscene amount every month it is irresponsible.

For the kids, joint custody is a no-brainer regardless of the timeshare.

Timeshare is both the simplest and most complicated topic. In simple terms, I want 50/50. Taking into account the kids and the adjustments they will soon face, including a likely move out of the marital home, I am open to discussing how we get there. It doesn't have to be today, tomorrow, or even next month. But I want a plan to get there, and one that involves mutual respect for each other's time (no asymmetric agreements). Quite honestly, I do think we could do it now, but it might be hard on the kids. Summer schedule is going to be tricky.

I'm mostly pleased with my L representation. We have a strategy of doing this in the least costly and least litigious way - however, if needed, yada yada yada. This is the hardest part -- I still think in the abstract my W and I *could* be reasonable and work through things via mediation, I just don't know if it's possible without me giving more ground than I feel is right. Every negotiation involves giving ground, I get that.

I also want to avoid mediation focusing on the trees rather than the forest. My W tends to hand-pick special topics of her interest, rather than the big-ticket items. I suspect we may be talking about pre-school plans for D4, should it be her choice. This is like putting the cart before the horse... because I expect she may then use D4's pre-school as a reason to maintain some different schedule.

Anyways, lots of pent-up anxiety about the upcoming session. I hope I see some signs of hope. I can't hold out much longer while spending so much money each month and not seeing movement on time with the kids.

Re: Starting the process [Re: unchien] #2888001
03/03/20 08:04 PM
03/03/20 08:04 PM
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kas99 Offline
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Quote
I can't hold out much longer while spending so much money each month and not seeing movement on time with the kids.


Obviously I have no idea what I'm talking about I'm just thinking she has absolutely no motivation to do anything. Status quo has been established. Fight, fight, fight.

Re: Starting the process [Re: kas99] #2888006
03/03/20 09:08 PM
03/03/20 09:08 PM
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unchien Offline OP
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unchien  Offline OP
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Originally Posted by kas99
Quote
I can't hold out much longer while spending so much money each month and not seeing movement on time with the kids.


Obviously I have no idea what I'm talking about I'm just thinking she has absolutely no motivation to do anything. Status quo has been established. Fight, fight, fight.

Yes in simple terms she has little reason to want the status quo to change.

I think she knows the house situation needs immediate resolution. We need to financially separate soon so I can protect myself and she can start taking steps to be responsible for her part. Coming to a reasonable compromise on the kids will be a major challenge I believe.

I know that going all-out legal doesn't necessarily make my life easier. It is one way to try to achieve a desirable outcome. It could make things worse. It's tempting to go that route, but also, it may trigger a chain reaction of legal filings that may be unnecessary.

Also, it's entirely reasonable that we resolve some things in mediation and others we cannot.

So... I'm approaching the next mediation session as if we need to make progress or I cannot continue with the process. It is much too slow and I am losing too much by treading water.

Re: Starting the process [Re: unchien] #2888026
03/03/20 11:06 PM
03/03/20 11:06 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
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LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
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Originally Posted by unchien

I know that going all-out legal doesn't necessarily make my life easier. It is one way to try to achieve a desirable outcome. It could make things worse. It's tempting to go that route, but also, it may trigger a chain reaction of legal filings that may be unnecessary..


This is where it gets frustrating U. Your worried it won’t make your life easier and making things worse. It can’t get any worse then it is now. You are living in limbo and paying for a house that you wife lives in while not working which may include entertaining another male. Trust me nothing is worse.

What are you afraid of if you push for D? She’ll be mad? So what? Please explain!


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Starting the process [Re: LH19] #2888032
03/03/20 11:35 PM
03/03/20 11:35 PM
Joined: May 2019
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unchien Offline OP
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unchien  Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LH19
This is where it gets frustrating U. Your worried it won’t make your life easier and making things worse. It can’t get any worse then it is now. You are living in limbo and paying for a house that you wife lives in while not working which may include entertaining another male. Trust me nothing is worse.

What are you afraid of if you push for D? She’ll be mad? So what? Please explain!

LH ~

I should be clearer here. I am not in a "file or mediate" situation. I can file and mediate. I can just file the petition, and/or include a request fo custody orders, and/or take steps towards a financial separation, and/or take steps towards disentangling myself from the home.

So... what is my plan? I don't want to lay it all it in detail here for anonymity's sake. I am inclined to go to mediation this week and lay out some things, and based on my W's response, decide what to do. For instance, paying for all this stuff is completely irresponsible and unsustainable. We need to sell the house if she cannot buy me out. Maybe we agree to sell and that's fine. Or I say, I'm stopping payments after XYZ and then you pay for it.

I'd also like to move to a financial separation. Ignore the house. I think my paycheck should go to my account and then I pay her a temporary guideline support payment until we finalize the D. Simple.

If she doesn't agree on the above 2, it's pretty clear I need to do something else. We can negotiate the details but the general items themselves are non-negotiable.

Custody/timeshare is a separate topic. I foresee making little headway on that topic in mediation. I will try. But I already know, you know?

You mentioned another male. A friend of mine brought that up this past weekend. "You know she must be dating by now, right?" I'm sure it would sting, but like you point out, the fact it would be *in a home I pay for* would drive me bonkers. I'm sure I would feel more jealous than I think if I found out she was dating, but I don't want her back and she can make her own decisions on that front. But in a house I pay for... phew.

Re: Starting the process [Re: unchien] #2888061
03/04/20 10:09 AM
03/04/20 10:09 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 4,674
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LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
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U,

You avoided the question. Your worried it won't make your life easier and may make it worse.

What do you mean in this statement?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
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