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Hello, everyone. Here's my story, I'm 47 and soon to be ex husband is 45. We have been together for 24 years and married 23 years. I just found out he has been having an affair with a 21 year old for at least 2 years, maybe 3. His parents live in another country and he goes there every 6 months. Come to find out, it's the cleaning girl. I found all of their pictures, messages, and they were even sending voice messages to one another. Not sure how that works. Maybe it was through the app. They were contacting one another through WhatsApp.

I can't seem to get their conversations out of my head. He is acting like a lustful teenager. He says he's in love with her. He feels like a new man. They are soul mates. They refer to one another as husband and wife. He is her king and she is his queen. He wants to take care of her and have children with her. He's telling her all of the ways he wants to make lover to her. Quoting poetry, etc. As I'm reading their messages all I can think about is WHO are you and what have you done with who I thought was my husband.

It's just disgusting. She was married and left her husband so he's trying to secure himself as her next husband. He asked her to marry him earlier this month. WTF? I don't know who this man is. Although I had my suspicions he was having an affair, never in my wildest dreams did I think it would be with a girl younger than our daughter. I'm devastated. He hasn't even apologized to me or our daughter. In fact, he hasn't said anything to me since I confronted him. At the time I confronted him, I had not found their love messages to each other.

He's staying with a friend and only contacted me once to say we need to split the finances. That's a load of crap. He makes more than twice what I do. I supported him in his career and while I worked, my jobs were not as demanding because I was busy raising our daughter and his nieces who lived with us for 5 years. I don't make enough to cover half of the finances. My response to him was "it's not that simple". I'm not agreeing to anything until I speak with an attorney. I have reached out to one that was highly recommended, but he is currently out of town.

I wanted to come here and vent. Get some moral support. I have no intentions of trying/wanting to reconcile. Even if I wanted to, he is too far gone. I feel like I'm in one of those bad Lifetime movies.


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
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Mo,

Sorry you're here. That was tough to read.

He's not the same person you used to know. That's going to be hard for you to accept but it's true.

I would visit several lawyers and protect yourself, good on you for getting that ball rolling.

I wouldn't stand in front of him while he tells you all about this OW.

Right now you have taken a huge body blow, just take time to breath, stand back up. You will get through this. Be smart.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds like he is still in the "affair fog." Where everything with this person is butterflies and unicorns.

I agree with the above. Do you have the DR book? Order it if not. Also, I would consider IC. This forum is a good place to be.


the best apology is changed behavior.
***************
me: 45 h: 48
m: 23 T: 26
DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Sorry you are here, but you've found a great place to help you through your sitch.

What struck me was your point about not being able to get what you read, saw and heard out of your head. I relate so much to that. As a chronic snooper I really always kind of regretted seeing what I saw. I would read everything, watch everything, listen to everything. And I didn't need to. There is nothing wrong with doing some recon to confirm your suspicions, but I encourage anyone reading this to stop once you have what you need. The images, sounds, and words will stay with you for a very long time.


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Ovrrnbw: Thank you for your kinds words. You're right. He's not the same person I used to know. He's not the same person I thought he was a few days ago. The last two years of our life was a lie and he was pretending. I don't understand why he didn't divorce me back then instead of me finding out this way and putting me and my daughter through pure hell.

Oceangrl: Yes, he is definitely in the affair fog. Besides sex, what in the world does he have in common with a 21 year old? What do they talk about? All of their messages where basically "I love you my love, I'm so happy I found you, We are soul mates, God brought us together". Besides professing his love and how he is a changed man, he told her all the ways he wanted to make love to her. Eck! There were no real conversations of substance. I have the DB book and started reading it before I found out this information. I don't know if I should continue because isn't it about saving your marriage? I have no intentions of trying to do so. I start IC this Friday.

Steve85: After I confirmed my suspicions, I gave him the passwords to his email. I had hacked into them and changed the passwords until I was finished gathering all of the information I needed. I found where he had set-up two secret bank accounts that I knew nothing about. Plus a trip to some resort where they went for the weekend. I forwarded all of this to my email accounts in case I could use this information in the divorce. Yes, I hate that this information is seared in my brain, but now I know the truth. No turning back now.

I wake up crying every morning. Maybe because this is so new and my feelings are so raw. Also, I was diagnosed with the flu yesterday. Ugh....


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
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MoGirl,

Yes, the emotions are real. No need to stifle them, just don't cry in front of him. Cry alone. Get into IC! This is awful to deal with and you need help.

Also, try to take care of yourself. I got so sick in my sitch from not eating and not sleeping. It is terrible for your immune system. Start eating right, drink some OJ and other high vitamin C juices. Avoid processed foods, go to whole food diet. Workout! You will be amazed at how working out helps your state of mind.

Have you read Divorce Remedy yet? If not get it and read it. Reading should become one of your favorite pastimes. Read relationship, anti-D, and self-improvement books. I was reading 3-4 books on average a month.


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Steve85: I have Divorce Remedy but I thought it was for people who want to save their relationship. That's not where I am at. I don't want to save it. Would it still apply to my situation?


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
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Originally Posted by MoGirl
Steve85: I have Divorce Remedy but I thought it was for people who want to save their relationship. That's not where I am at. I don't want to save it. Would it still apply to my situation?


Are you sure about this?


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Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by MoGirl
Steve85: I have Divorce Remedy but I thought it was for people who want to save their relationship. That's not where I am at. I don't want to save it. Would it still apply to my situation?


Are you sure about this?


Yes. I don't think I can forgive him for this type of betrayal. A 2.5 year affair with a 21 year old woman. She's younger than our daughter. This young lady was 18 or 19 when she started seeing my husband. It's disgusting. Even if I wanted to salvage this relationship, he's too far gone. I don't see him every wanting to come back. He checked out 2 years ago.


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
Current R status: Separated.
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MoGirl,

Reading your posts brings back so many feelings from the awful time I went through. My husband had a secret bank account, he had bought a Porsche I knew nothing about (it was pre-owned and needed fixing up), his affair was 2 years long with a friend of mine. I could not eat or sleep. I went down to 103 pounds. I cried all the time.

A book that MWD recommends is "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass. It explains what your husband is thinking and why he would do something so insane. People who end up in affairs can't fill their own holes.

You are in the shock phase. It will get better. Get counseling asap, especially someone who specializes in this. I had a great coach who can work with people online but I don't know how to do private messages or if that's allowed.

I echo so much of what Steve says. Take care of yourself.

My advice, is don't make any big life decisions right now. Just keep yourself safe and take care of yourself. DR is helpful to read because it helps you to be healthy and take care of yourself no matter what ends up happening with your relationship.


the best apology is changed behavior.
***************
me: 45 h: 48
m: 23 T: 26
DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
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Originally Posted by MoGirl
Steve85: I have Divorce Remedy but I thought it was for people who want to save their relationship. That's not where I am at. I don't want to save it. Would it still apply to my situation?


YES it still applies


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Originally Posted by MoGirl

Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by MoGirl
Steve85: I have Divorce Remedy but I thought it was for people who want to save their relationship. That's not where I am at. I don't want to save it. Would it still apply to my situation?


Are you sure about this?


Yes. I don't think I can forgive him for this type of betrayal. A 2.5 year affair with a 21 year old woman. She's younger than our daughter. This young lady was 18 or 19 when she started seeing my husband. It's disgusting. Even if I wanted to salvage this relationship, he's too far gone. I don't see him every wanting to come back. He checked out 2 years ago.


So do you not want to save the marriage because you can't forgive him? Or because you don't think he'll come back?


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Originally Posted by MoGirl
I just found out he has been having an affair with a 21 year old for at least 2 years, maybe 3. His parents live in another country and he goes there every 6 months. Come to find out, it's the cleaning girl.


Do you know the term "limerence"? Both of them are firmly caught up in the limerence phase of the relationship. Normally it wouldn't last years, but since they only see each other every 6 months then they are able to keep the "fantasy" relationship intact where everything is perfect and they don't have to deal with the harsh, unpleasant sides of a real relationship.

Quote
I can't seem to get their conversations out of my head. He is acting like a lustful teenager. He says he's in love with her. He feels like a new man. They are soul mates.


Of course. Because they haven't had to deal with anything as a couple. They're living in a dream world where everything is sunshine and rainbows.

Quote
They refer to one another as husband and wife. He is her king and she is his queen. He wants to take care of her and have children with her. He's telling her all of the ways he wants to make lover to her. Quoting poetry, etc. As I'm reading their messages all I can think about is WHO are you and what have you done with who I thought was my husband.


A lot of people refer to these situations as "invasion of the body snatchers" because the old spouse they knew seems to have had their personality removed and replaced with an alien. Sometimes the old version of them returns, and sometimes not. Often (like in my XW's case) they only come partway back. Anyway do look over the MLC forum and read all the stickies there, I think you'll identify with a lot of it.

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He asked her to marry him earlier this month.


Well that's different. I can't say I've heard of a married man asking OW to marry him while he is STILL married to the LBS! That's about as low and scuzzy as behavior can get.

Quote
He's staying with a friend


Good. Do not let him back. He needs to do a lot of work on himself before you should consider that.

Quote
I don't make enough to cover half of the finances. My response to him was "it's not that simple". I'm not agreeing to anything until I speak with an attorney. I have reached out to one that was highly recommended, but he is currently out of town.


Great! I've seen people here recommend contacting and getting a free consultation from all the best divorce lawyers in your area, because apparently if you consult with them then even if you don't use them your H can't either.

Quote
I have no intentions of trying/wanting to reconcile. Even if I wanted to, he is too far gone.


That doesn't mean he's beyond hope but I can understand why you feel that way. If you give him time and space and move on, at some point the shine will come off his new relationship and he'll start missing his old one with you. But it could be a very long time before that happens. If he's in MLC it could take years to resolve.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

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Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by MoGirl

Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by MoGirl
Steve85: I have Divorce Remedy but I thought it was for people who want to save their relationship. That's not where I am at. I don't want to save it. Would it still apply to my situation?


Are you sure about this?


Yes. I don't think I can forgive him for this type of betrayal. A 2.5 year affair with a 21 year old woman. She's younger than our daughter. This young lady was 18 or 19 when she started seeing my husband. It's disgusting. Even if I wanted to salvage this relationship, he's too far gone. I don't see him every wanting to come back. He checked out 2 years ago.


So do you not want to save the marriage because you can't forgive him? Or because you don't think he'll come back?


I don't think he will come back. He has already asked her to marry him. Which is crazy because he's still married to me. And if he wanted to come back, I don't think I can forgive him. All of the things he said to her, money he has spent on her, secret bank accounts he has opened. I just can't see myself forgiving him for all of this. This is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life.


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
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Originally Posted by MoGirl


I don't think he will come back. He has already asked her to marry him. Which is crazy because he's still married to me. And if he wanted to come back, I don't think I can forgive him. All of the things he said to her, money he has spent on her, secret bank accounts he has opened. I just can't see myself forgiving him for all of this. This is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life.


The reason I asked is because at this moment, with the wound so fresh, you may not what you want. And that is understandable. Most of us come here with an iron-grip on wanting to save our MR. After all it is called "Divorce Busting". You found this forum, signed up for an account, and posted your sitch. That tells me there is some part of you that wants to save your MR. Remember, being conflicted on this is okay.

Early in my sitch I was on the roller-coaster of emotions. But I was also on the roller-coaster of what I wanted and what I was going to do. I vacillated between wrapping around her legs, holding on for dear life, and begging for her not to leave me. To changing the locks, setting her crap on the front porch with note that said "HIT THE BRICKS!" So I get it, you may not know what you want.

But do not underestimate the fact that he may not be sure that leaving and marrying her is really what he wants. Oh sure, that is something a horny guy tells to a young lady so she'll let him touch her fun parts. But when the brass tacks are down, don't be surprised if he comes back, begging for forgiveness and wanting a second chance. I've seen lying cheaters that were sure they didn't want to stay with their LBS......only to wake up one day and realize they were throwing away everything for a crap shoot. After all, this young chick that he is enjoying for her body now, may not be the mind and soul he wants to grow old with. Plus there is an old saying, if they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. He may wake up one day and realize "do I really want to be looking over my shoulder, wondering who she is banging, for the rest of my life?"

So take some time. Read the book. Breathe. Focus on you. Go out and find that girl you were when you first met him. Likely you weren't sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself. But you were out living a life. Go find that again. GAL like a mad woman. Then take honest stock of yourself. Can you improve? What are your bad behaviors? Then get into IC to deal with all of this and 180 on that bad behavior. And finally, detach. Detachment is a healthy way to be. Even in a healthy MR. Google "self differentation in marriage". After my most recent sitch I've come to the realization that two attached people in a MR is a recipe for disaster. What a healthy MR is too self-differentiated individuals coming together to make a healthy union.

So step back, take some time. Put DB into action. If you decide later that you can't forgive him. Then D the lying, cheating bum and move on to an AWESOME life.

Hang in there...it does get better. We've all gone through it, learned, kept our head held high. And came out the other side better for it. Whether or not we saved our MR.

Last edited by Steve85; 03/05/20 03:04 PM.

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Sorry you find yourself here MoGirl but you have come to the right place to help you get through this. My H (XH now) was also leading a double life...for at least five years. I only know about the last OW who he is marrying in July and asked her prior to being divorced. He only met her two years ago so I am sure there were others that he will never admit to. Like you, when I found out, it was the WORST pain I ever felt. I’m not going to lie to you. It lasts awhile and it sux beyond belief. But...eventually the pain fades as you find your feet again and start to adjust to your new normal. There IS life after betrayal and it can be a good one if you make it that way. I am living proof. You can and will get through this. I promise you!!! You will get to the other side and even find yourself feeling glad he is gone because living in the light is always preferable to living in the dark. My XH is a shell of a person. He is clinging to this new R like a lifeline because it is all he has left. He has damaged all of his other relationships. He has likely convinced himself that he hasn’t but I know different.

Re: this 21 year old. She’s already been married? That says all you need to know right there. Let your H go. I give this new relationship two years...less if they manage to find a way to live together. She is a child. Once the hormones and chemicals fade, he will find himself in a world of hurt. This R has about a 1% chance of going anywhere so feel confident that his pain is coming. And when it hits, you will be long over it and wondering what it is you ever saw in him in the first place. Anyone capable of cheating on his wife and family is not worthy of you. Let her have him.

Gotta get to work but just wanted to say hello and give you some support. I know what you are feeling right now. It is awful. Have faith... it will get better if you take the focus off of him and what he is doing and focus on yourself. (((HUGS)))

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Originally Posted by MoGirl


I don't think he will come back. He has already asked her to marry him. Which is crazy because he's still married to me. And if he wanted to come back, I don't think I can forgive him. All of the things he said to her, money he has spent on her, secret bank accounts he has opened. I just can't see myself forgiving him for all of this. This is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life.


We have a saying around here: "Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do".

Cheaters constantly profess their love for their OW/OM. They all spend money like fools. Some make marriage plans.

The marriage plans are the most absurd though. Still married but getting engaged to someone else...unbelievable.

Focus on your, your growth, your behavior, your 180s, your health, your happiness, your attitude, your healing.


H 34
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Thanks everyone for your advice and words of encouragement. I have an appointment scheduled with a good attorney next Wednesday. I need to study up on what questions to ask, etc. I'm not going to make any decisions right away. It's only a consultation. I have my first IC appointment tomorrow morning. We'll see how that goes.

My H has only contacted me once and it was about finances. I thought he might at least apologize for the pain he has caused. I know I shouldn't expect anything from him. He's a different person now. My D22 reached out to him and he hasn't even apologized to her. His only statement was "I'm sorry if you are not happy with my choice". She asked him the age of the OW and he told her he had to go take a shower and never replied. What a d*#k. He's so defensive. Takes no personal responsibility. He even tried to deny the OW when I was looking right at the evidence.

I know this is a terrible thing to admit, but I want him to feel the same type of pain that he has inflicted on our family. I want him to feel scared, lonely and sad. Instead he is in full fantasy mode - looking for his own place and planning his new life without us, without me.

Again, thank you.


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
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BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
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Originally Posted by MoGirl
Thanks everyone for your advice and words of encouragement. I have an appointment scheduled with a good attorney next Wednesday. I need to study up on what questions to ask, etc. I'm not going to make any decisions right away. It's only a consultation. I have my first IC appointment tomorrow morning. We'll see how that goes.

My H has only contacted me once and it was about finances. I thought he might at least apologize for the pain he has caused. I know I shouldn't expect anything from him. He's a different person now. My D22 reached out to him and he hasn't even apologized to her. His only statement was "I'm sorry if you are not happy with my choice". She asked him the age of the OW and he told her he had to go take a shower and never replied. What a d*#k. He's so defensive. Takes no personal responsibility. He even tried to deny the OW when I was looking right at the evidence.

I know this is a terrible thing to admit, but I want him to feel the same type of pain that he has inflicted on our family. I want him to feel scared, lonely and sad. Instead he is in full fantasy mode - looking for his own place and planning his new life without us, without me.

Again, thank you.



I have been there. My H cheated on me for two years with a good friend of mine. Let me tell you something, your H is in the a&&hole phase. That's what living a double life with no integrity does to you. It literally changes who you are. In order for someone to keep living a life like that, they have to change their values and who they are or they couldn't survive. They become incredibly selfish.

You, on the other hand, will go through trauma, probable PTSD, and heartache. I know this. I went through it. But you will find a strength you never knew you had. You will find a love for yourself that you didn't have. You will understand happiness. Having IC is the first best step. I am three years out, and while my H is still a selfish dbag, I am grateful for who I am now and so many people in my life. The worst of it has passed. Because of my work, I know I can find someone better at some point.

Many who cheat do hit the bottom and regret it terribly. I know some of them. They are better people now. But the ones who don't do the work, like my H, I believe down the road they will regret it. In this life or the next. I hope to see it.


the best apology is changed behavior.
***************
me: 45 h: 48
m: 23 T: 26
DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
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It has officially been one week since the BD. I'm starting to feel a little more like myself today. I'm finally over the flu. I went to IC on Friday, and although the counselor told me this was not my fault, I am still blaming myself. If I had just been a better wife, a better listener, paid more attention to his needs, etc.

H has not contacted me at all this week. The friend that his is staying with has told me that H is looking for an apartment. It feels so weird that I won't be in contact with this man who I have loved for 23 years. Not knowing where he is or what he is doing makes me anxious. Then again, did I really know what he was doing the past 2 years? No. He's a stranger. I also found out that he is planning on divorcing me. I guess he expects to get rid of me as fast as he can and ride off into the sunset with his child bride.

I go back to work tomorrow, which makes me a little anxious but also relieved to have something to take my mind off of this. Although no-one knows but close family and a friend, I feel embarrassed - "Hey, there's the woman who's husband left her for a 21 year old". I feel humiliated.


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
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Originally Posted by MoGirl
It has officially been one week since the BD. I'm starting to feel a little more like myself today. I'm finally over the flu. I went to IC on Friday, and although the counselor told me this was not my fault, I am still blaming myself. If I had just been a better wife, a better listener, paid more attention to his needs, etc.

H has not contacted me at all this week. The friend that his is staying with has told me that H is looking for an apartment. It feels so weird that I won't be in contact with this man who I have loved for 23 years. Not knowing where he is or what he is doing makes me anxious. Then again, did I really know what he was doing the past 2 years? No. He's a stranger. I also found out that he is planning on divorcing me. I guess he expects to get rid of me as fast as he can and ride off into the sunset with his child bride.

I go back to work tomorrow, which makes me a little anxious but also relieved to have something to take my mind off of this. Although no-one knows but close family and a friend, I feel embarrassed - "Hey, there's the woman who's husband left her for a 21 year old". I feel humiliated.


You are doing amazing for it only having been a week. Be kind to yourself, you are still in the shock phase. Just as everyone else has said, it will get better.

And you should not feel humiliated. HE should feel humiliated. Anyone who would think less of you when he is not the normal one, is not your friend anyway.


the best apology is changed behavior.
***************
me: 45 h: 48
m: 23 T: 26
DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
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There is probably a little bit inside him which is totally crushed by humiliation. He's pathetic and ridiculous, and most people will think it completely creepy that he's shagging someone barely out of their teens. Yuck. Trust me, people will feel sympathy for you and disgust for him. Sympathy is really hard to take but disgust is worse!

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Journal entry:

I haven't spoken to my husband since I discovered his affair , so last night I made contact (I know...against BD rules) and told him how hurt I was about his affair and the typical how could you do this to me, to our family, blah, blah blah. Of course he responded by telling me he didn't contact me because he knew I would not accept his apology and that my life would be better without him. He has caused me so much pain and he feels the best thing to do is leave so he won't continue to hurt me. So basically, he is trying to say he wants to leave to spare me the pain he has caused but I know this is a sorry a$$ excuse to be with this young woman. It has nothing to do with me, it's all about him and his selfishness. He made the whole conversation about him. He did hear me out and let me vent but I can tell he is dead inside. He gave me the old "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" line, and he has felt this way for the last 2 years, and he has no excuse for what he did. I wanted to tell him you're a disgusting, cheating, horny pig.

I want a divorce. I don't want a divorce. Even if I didn't, I think he is too far gone. I'm all over the place with my emotions. I went to see an attorney today and confirmed that I can get half of his 401k and pension, but I probably won't get maintenance because we don't have any minor children and I have a job (he makes 2x my salary) which should cover my expenses and an education, so I have the potential to make more money. I just want to get back at this man. I know this is juvenile thinking but that's where I'm at right now. I'm angry as hell that he gets to leave me after I stood by him for 23 years and made sacrifices so he could build his career and now he gets to skip off into the sunset with his child bride while I struggle. Maybe I will find another attorney and get a second opinion. IDK. Maybe I need to slow down and work on myself. I'm really not in a hurry to divorce, but for some reason I feel like i should take control and file before he does.

I need to seriously start to GAL. Detach. This situation is consuming me.


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
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I'm not doing very well today. I keep replaying the messages I found from my H to the OW. Or should I say YW [young woman). It's so hard to accept that he proposed to her. Asked her to have his baby. Ugh! It's all too much. I can't get it out of my head. I can't read, watch tv or even work without these thoughts popping up in my head. I want to stay in bed and shut out the world.


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
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I don't know what I want. I finally spoke to my H about his affair. It pi$$es me off that I had to contact him because he's a coward and was afraid to talk to me. Of course I ask him why and he tells me that he loves me, but he fell out of love with me two years ago (when he met the OW) and doesn't know why he didn't tell me or ask for a divorce. Of course his apologies and excuses are not enough for me. I don't believe him. He's only sorry that he got caught. Why string me along if he wants to be with the OW? I just don't get it. It's so cruel to do to someone.
We have had a few texts and phone conversations about putting the house on the market, splitting assets, etc. We want to be amicable and settle things before filing for divorce. Now I'm having second thoughts about a divorce. I was so sure of it, but now I'm back tracking and I'm not sure why. I don't see myself ever trusting this man again, I don't think he wants to reconcile, but I'm scared of getting a divorce. It's so final. I'm not sure what to do? Any advice? I told him I was still trying to wrap my head around everything that has happened and I needed some time to process everything.

To be quite honest, I'm scared to fight for this marriage. I don't think I can handle the feelings of rejection. I already feel rejected because he betrayed me with this OW, which I know he is still communicating with. I'm scared of these feelings.

Any advice?


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
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It is completely normal at the beginning to have those horrible images flash in your head. I remember it well. I still get them occasionally now. Do you have any of MWD's books? She has the DR book, but also Healing from Infidelity where she discusses some tips on handling this. I hope you are still seeing an IC.

Here are some ideas for when this happens:

1. Move your body. When you find yourself slipping into trauma mode with this images, you will feel your body begin to freeze. If you are in your car or at your desk, move your wrists in circles. You can also do this with your ankles. It actually breaks your looping thoughts as your brain is forced to focus on something else. Get up and dance. I don't care how weird that seems or how much you don't want to. It works. You can also take a walk or go running.

2. Purge write: Pour everything on a piece of paper. Everything. Then go outside in a safe place, use a pan or something, and burn it. That symbolizes getting rid of it and having it not have power over you.

3. Call a friend, get on here, vent it out and hear someone tell you it's okay, you will be okay.

4. MWD and other suggest using a method called thought-stopping. Picture a big red stop sign or something like that and allow it to break your thoughts.


Your husband has some serious issues right now. He is not trustworthy, and if I understand correctly, has not ended his affair. His world will most likely come crashing down at some point, but right now it is still too full of fantasy. Denial is provably a useful place for him.

You are afraid to divorce because it is scary. Your life is changing, you are in the middle of trauma. And while not perfect (like the rest of us), you are a good person who thought your wedding vows were permanent.

I understand fearing rejection. I am still dealing with this every day. What has helped me is really working on myself. Reminding myself that I am going to be okay no matter what. That even though he doesn't choose me, I choose me. Remind yourself that he isn't a very nice person right now, he doesn't treat you well, and honestly, his judgement is obviously not so great. You don't need his validation.

For the marriage to work, you must work on yourself. You are doing WAY better than me at this stage, please pat yourself on the back for that. You are not begging and chasing and pleading. He has got to get out of fantasy land before he could begin to make the changes required to change his behavior and become trustworthy. Focus on you and keep moving forward.

I have read some good advice from veterans here. They have reminded us many times that in the end, divorce is just a piece of paper. It doesn't mean that down the road you can't get together again. But changes have to be made first, where you know he is safe.

I'm so sorry this [censored] so much. It's so hard. Keep posting here.


the best apology is changed behavior.
***************
me: 45 h: 48
m: 23 T: 26
DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
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Originally Posted by oceangrl


For the marriage to work, you must work on yourself. You are doing WAY better than me at this stage, please pat yourself on the back for that. You are not begging and chasing and pleading.


OG,

I'm actually not doing that well. I fell off the wagon last night and I was pretty pathetic. I asked him if he could ever love me again and if he misses me. UGH!!! I feel so stupid. I got so caught up in my emotions and started babbling.

He told me that he misses seeing me and talking to me but he doesn't think he can ever get back to where he was.

I feel so ashamed of myself right now.


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
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Originally Posted by MoGirl
I'm actually not doing that well. I fell off the wagon last night and I was pretty pathetic. I asked him if he could ever love me again and if he misses me. UGH!!! I feel so stupid. I got so caught up in my emotions and started babbling.

He told me that he misses seeing me and talking to me but he doesn't think he can ever get back to where he was.

I feel so ashamed of myself right now.


We all backslide now and then. Learn from it and keep moving forward. You did it, it went poorly, now you know what NOT to do moving forward. Every misstep if a valuable lesson. Embrace that feeling of being ashamed. Remember it, hold onto it. Why? Because next time you're tempted, you'll remember why not to go down that road.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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So I told my husband that I don't want a divorce right now and that I was lashing out because I am hurt and angry. He said ok and we chatted a bit and did not talk about the R again. So now what? Do I use the LRT? GAL? What are my next steps moving forward.

I'm still on the fence about a divorce but I reacted out of my anger. I really need time to think about it. As far as I know, he still wants a divorce. I put the ball in his court for now.

Thanks


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
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Originally Posted by MoGirl
So I told my husband that I don't want a divorce right now and that I was lashing out because I am hurt and angry. He said ok and we chatted a bit and did not talk about the R again. So now what? Do I use the LRT? GAL? What are my next steps moving forward.

I'm still on the fence about a divorce but I reacted out of my anger. I really need time to think about it. As far as I know, he still wants a divorce. I put the ball in his court for now.

Thanks


My advice would be to definitely work on detaching, that way however this ends up your emotions won't be so dependent on how he feels about you.

GAL is still huge. Your goal of working on you hasn't changed. Connect with yourself and support yourself. This is my daily task as well. When I find myself thinking too much about him or the situation, I know I have to shift the power back and work on myself.

Validation is also important, in fact, Cadet's welcome thread is good to go over again and again.

As far as LRT, I will let veterans chime in on that one.

Last edited by oceangrl; 03/20/20 09:12 PM.

the best apology is changed behavior.
***************
me: 45 h: 48
m: 23 T: 26
DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
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Any veterans out there that can chime in on my last post? I know I need to work on detaching and GAL, but what about LRT?

I know he's still talking to OW and has a 3 week trip planned in May to go see her. Smh.

Any advice???


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
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I spoke to my husband in person for the first time since the DB. He's so cold and distant. It really hurts. He is also very defensive and acts like he is the victim. WTF? Anyways, is this normal? I feel like this is beyond repair. Does everyone feel like this in the beginning?

Any advice from you vets would be appreciated. Thanks.


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
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Originally Posted by MoGirl
I spoke to my husband in person for the first time since the DB. He's so cold and distant. It really hurts. He is also very defensive and acts like he is the victim. WTF? Anyways, is this normal? I feel like this is beyond repair. Does everyone feel like this in the beginning?

Any advice from you vets would be appreciated. Thanks.


Yes --- my H is the same way. Cold hard stare. Blank face. Most of the time. Doing things/saying things to justify his behavior.

There was one afternoon where he came home and said hello first and his face was soft and relaxed and there were no signs of stress. He seemed peacefull. I went about my day and left to do things I needed. When he returned later that same day it was back to cold, distant, angry.

I truly think that when H pings back and forth he is confused and questioning himself. If he sees me making changes he can become even angrier.

Why would that be???

Because when H sees you being different then they say to themselves... Well if she can do it NOW, why wasn't she doing it all along??? It has to be because they were not worthy or something of the like.

But, I can tell you from previous experience they will at first get angry about any changes that they are seeing.

I got a scathing text from H that stated that he sees me now taking pride in myself and hitting my home gym equipment hard to get into shape. I should have been doing it 4yrs ago according to him. Its just another log to add to his fire on why he is leaving but at the same time anger is them questioning themselves.

Listen to the vets... let them guide you. Don't feel that you need to react everytime he DOES something. Truly work on yourself and what things you would like to see in your life and it truly does make them curious and draw them back in but it takes time... a lot of time... you have to be willing to give it your all and at the same time leave him alone.

HUGS

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Originally Posted by MoGirl
I spoke to my husband in person for the first time since the DB. He's so cold and distant. It really hurts. He is also very defensive and acts like he is the victim. WTF? Anyways, is this normal?


Yes it's normal. How long it lasts varies. It could be a few months or a few years. My XW continued it through S and D. It wasn't until a couple of years after D that she started warming up to me again.

Quote
I feel like this is beyond repair. Does everyone feel like this in the beginning?


Yes, because the WAS sends out signals that it's over and done and zero chance of recon. But that is only a reflection of how he feels right now. He may very well change his mind later.

Quote
Any advice from you vets would be appreciated. Thanks.


You've got to accept his current behavior as temporary and try not to let it get to you. It's going to take a very long time before you might start seeing the "old him" again.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

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I think the cold stares and distance are them trying to emotionally shut down. How else can he possibly function in the face of the double life he is leading? It is a way of existing in the face of truly horrific behavior. Sort of like compartmentalizing. Confronting the pain he is causing is too much to bear. They have to dissociate from it all. I remember conversations where H was like a marble statue. His body was there but the eyes were like a statue. Totally shut down.

It feels really awful doesn't it?

You are doing great. Such strength. Take all the time you need.

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I'm very anxious this week because H is coming to the house this weekend to do some repairs. We will have to work together the next few weeks to get he house ready to be put on the market. I'm hoping I can keep it together and not talk about the R or OW. It will be very tempting. I want to ask him to stop seeing her and work on our R but I know that's not the right thing to do. He has to make the decision on his own. I cant control him or the situation.

He tells me that he has lost all his dignity but still continues to talk to OW and has a trip planned in May to go see her. I asked him not to go. How the hell can he say he has no dignity left but still continue with the A?

I'm trying to let go. It's very hard because I'm a control freak by nature. I pray that God will work this out and He has a plan for my life. I'm not in control.


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
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I have a question about "Believe nothing they say and half of what they do". My husband told me ILYBNILWY and he doesn't think he can get back there. Then he says even if he cut off his relationship with the OW he would still feel the same about me. Then a few days later he says he does have some feeling for me but he doesn't know how we could ever recover from this and he doesn't want to go back to the way things were.

So my question is this all BS? He seems to be all over the place. Is this why we don't believe anything they say? I know he's still talking to her and has a trip planned in May to go see her. I asked him not to go. He didn't respond.

That conversation took place last week by phone. He's at the house this weekend doing some repairs. We had planned on selling it before the BD. We have been getting along and working well together. I have not talked about our R. It feels like old times except we are acting like friends. I don't want to be his friend. I don't know how I should interact with him. I don't want to be too cold but I'm worried he might mistake my friendliness for forgiveness. Or he might think I don't care about the R. I don't know what I'm doing.


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
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BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
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I think you are doing fine.

They are all over the place which is why you have to detach. Be polite but not overly friendly. Give him space... pull back and let him come to you.

Good job on not initiating R talks.

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My husband tried to give me a hug today when he left. I refused it. Did I do the right thing? I felt like it was a sympathy hug because although I didn't cry, my eyes did tear up. He didn't say anything. He just walked out of the house. Now I'm second guessing myself. Should I have said something like " as long as you're still seeing the OW , you can't expect to be affectionate with me" I'm second guessing myself.

Any advice?


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
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BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
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I'm bumping my thread up to see if anyone will answer my question. So many of us are at home and posting. I keep getting lost in the shuffle. Thanks for any feedback.


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Mo... I don't think my answer would be what a vet would state but please know I feel your confusion and stress. Being at home just gives us more time to stew about any interaction we are getting from our WAS.

Sometimes I read this board and I get terribly jealous because LBS are getting some interaction from their S. They get the I miss you, the I love you, I don't want a D... or a touch or a hug. I have a S who has not made any contact at all in 5 days and who hasn't been in the home in 2 weeks.

I get that many S cake eat or drop breadcrumbs and that we are not to settle for that... but what does it mean when there are no breadcrumbs???

I don't want to give you false hope over the hug - maybe it was guilt or he sees the hurt he is causing you.

I'm sorry I don't have the right answer but I don't want you to feel lost in the shuffle... in my thoughts and hugs!

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Originally Posted by MoGirl
My husband tried to give me a hug today when he left. I refused it. Did I do the right thing? I felt like it was a sympathy hug because although I didn't cry, my eyes did tear up. He didn't say anything. He just walked out of the house. Now I'm second guessing myself. Should I have said something like " as long as you're still seeing the OW , you can't expect to be affectionate with me" I'm second guessing myself.

Any advice?


You did fine refusing his hug. Nothing wrong with that. You are right, if he's seeing OW then he should expect ZERO affection from you. But don't TELL him that, show him through your actions (such as refusing a hug).

WAS's do this thing I call the "WAS hug" after BD. They hug you from the side instead of the front, and/ or pat your back like you're a distant relative they haven't seen in a while I HATE those pity hugs! After getting those from my WAS for a while I just quit trying to hug her. Then when she started coming in for hugs I turned it around and gave HER the WAS hug, LOL!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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H will be back this weekend to work on the house. He will only be here one night instead of two. That's probably for the best because night's see to be the worst. I am tempted to go in his room and crawl in bed with him and snuggle like old times. However, I know that time has passed and it's over.

I'm not really sure how to act when he is here. Last weekend we went and picked-up dinner together, ate together, and even watched tv together. Was this a mistake on my part? He is the one who asked me what I wanted for dinner. He even cooked breakfast for me. I don't want him to mistake my friendliness for acceptance of what he has done or forgiveness. I want to leave the door open for a chance at recon in the future, but I also don't want him to think I'm okay with this. I don't want to be a doormat or plan B.

This is so confusing.


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
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It's been a little over a month since I found out about the OW. I still feel sick, depressed, and anxious. I've had 2 sessions with IC. I didn't like the first and it took a few weeks to find another one. I really liked my first session with the new one and have another appt scheduled for Monday.

I've read DB, all the homework assignments on Cadet's welcome thread, yet I'm still struggling. I fluctuate between depression and anger. I feel so lonely and isolated. I made my husband my life. We did everything together. I have a few people I consider friends, but not close enough to share what I'm going through. I'm so embarrassed and humiliated. I feel like a piece of trash he discarded. He's so deep in his fantasy world right now that he doesn't realize how he has hurt our D. The OW is younger than D. Does this R with OW even stand a chance? The age difference is ridiculous. I've read all of their texts and they are so juvenile. Their texts are all about how much they love each other and of course SEX. Nothing significant or meaningful. I just don't understand how this could have happened. WTH is he thinking. I don't know if this is a MLC or if he is just a disgusting, selfish pig. If i had not found the evidence, how long would he have continued to string me along? He was pretending to work on our R, and was communicating with her all along. She lives in another country and they see each other every 6 months. When will this R play out?

Besides going to work, I spend my day in bed. I don't know how to GAL. I'm so alone. Sometimes I want to go to sleep and never wake up because I'm tired of living in pain. I hate this feeling of rejection. I keep asking myself "why am I not good enough"? Why am I not worth fighting for? He doesn't love me. I have to accept this, but it's just so hard. I've loved him since I was 23. I can't imagine being with anyone else. I'm scared. Scared of being alone, and scared I will never find companionship again. I want someone to love me.

If we are to believe nothing they say and only 50% of their actions, how do I know if it's true when he says ILYBNILWY? Is he too deep in the affair fog/ lust that he doesn't know what he's feeling. According to his texts with OW, he is a new man. He's been searching for a love like this since his TEENS? WTH? He's 45 years old. Why is he referring to his teens? SMH. I just don't understand what is going on with him. What happened to the person I thought he was??


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
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I'm so sad today. All I want to do is cry. H is here working on the house. I'm trying to distance myself from him because I am very tempted to discuss our R, his A and the OW21. If I do it, I'll regret it later and it will only make me feel worse. I want to tell him that he's being such a fool. Does he really think anything will come of this? She's too young for him. Honestly, I'm not sure if she is 21 - she may be 20. Ugh.

This hurts so bad. I just can't believe this is my life now. It is so hard to accept. My husband is leaving me for someone so young. What in the hell is wrong with him? I feel like I'm not good enough. I feel like a piece of garbage he has tossed out. I have read all of their messages. He told her he has been looking for a love like this since his teens? What? He's a 45 year old grown man, we have been married for 23 years. What in the He!! is he talking about? Does he even know what he is talking about. I'm so afraid we are going to get a D and he is going to marry her. He doesn't care how my D23 will fee. This OW is younger than our daughter. I get it that she made him feel young and lustful again, but love? Come on, this is not love. This is lust. The Affair Fog.

I feel so devastated and hopeless..

Why am I not good enough?


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
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Originally Posted by MoGirl
So my question is this all BS? He seems to be all over the place. Is this why we don't believe anything they say? I know he's still talking to her and has a trip planned in May to go see her. I asked him not to go. He didn't respond.

Hi MoGirl, I haven’t read your whole thread so I will just answer to your question in a general way. I think...we don’t believe in what they say because 99.9% of the time they don’t know either. They are a mess. They might claim one thing but flip flop back to something completely opposite next week. And you asking him to not go- is pursuing. You cannot control what he does. Therefore you should not ask that of him.

Originally Posted by MoGirl
My husband tried to give me a hug today when he left. I refused it. Did I do the right thing? I felt like it was a sympathy hug because although I didn't cry, my eyes did tear up. He didn't say anything. He just walked out of the house. Now I'm second guessing myself. Should I have said something like " as long as you're still seeing the OW , you can't expect to be affectionate with me" I'm second guessing myself.

Any advice?

If you are up to it, I don’t see the harm in receiving a hug. But if you know it’s going to mess with your head, than don’t force it. Don’t over-analyze everything, you will drive yourself nuts. That’s a boundary you need to decide for yourself.

HTH!


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Originally Posted by wooba
Originally Posted by MoGirl
So my question is this all BS? He seems to be all over the place. Is this why we don't believe anything they say? I know he's still talking to her and has a trip planned in May to go see her. I asked him not to go. He didn't respond.

Hi MoGirl, I haven’t read your whole thread so I will just answer to your question in a general way. I think...we don’t believe in what they say because 99.9% of the time they don’t know either. They are a mess. They might claim one thing but flip flop back to something completely opposite next week. And you asking him to not go- is pursuing. You cannot control what he does. Therefore you should not ask that of him.

Originally Posted by MoGirl
My husband tried to give me a hug today when he left. I refused it. Did I do the right thing? I felt like it was a sympathy hug because although I didn't cry, my eyes did tear up. He didn't say anything. He just walked out of the house. Now I'm second guessing myself. Should I have said something like " as long as you're still seeing the OW , you can't expect to be affectionate with me" I'm second guessing myself.

Any advice?

If you are up to it, I don’t see the harm in receiving a hug. But if you know it’s going to mess with your head, than don’t force it. Don’t over-analyze everything, you will drive yourself nuts. That’s a boundary you need to decide for yourself.

HTH!


Hi Mo, I know how it feels to have someone all over the place, and while I'm by far not experienced or anything, I agree with woomba that, at least for me, the reason I've tried not to lean in to everything my WAH says is because he is a mess, doesn't know what he wants, and can flip on a dime. I know how hard that is when the negative flip comes, because it's hard to accept that positive signs have permanence, and very easy to think that the negative signs are locked in. I've struggled a lot with that over the past few days, and I just keep trying to tell myself that I don't have control, and that I have to ride the wave. So much easier said than done, right?

I also know how you feel about a husband trying for a hug or other signs of affection. Mine did it week before last and I almost said no, but I let it happen. I don't regret it, but now that it seems he's flipping back to "I don't know if this will end in divorce," I don't like how I feel when the hope drops out from under me. I've fallen prone to overanalyzing it over the past few days, and am trying to get myself out of that head space and back on me. I noticed when I managed to detach -- and you'll know when you really are, if only for a little while -- I started to feel better, and then my WAH reappeared with some positivity again towards our future. I'm not saying to detach because of that, I only mention it because the timing is almost funny, in a twisted sort of way.

Anyway, I feel for you. Hugs and support coming your way.


I'm 40, H is 36. No kids. No infidelity of which I'm aware.
Mini BD January 2020 -- not sure if he wants to try anymore
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@ Wooba: Thanks for calling me out on the pursuing, and reminding me that I cannot control him. I needed to hear that. I haven't mentioned it again. He's scheduled to go the last week of May. I'm hoping to "mentally" be in a better place by then.

@ Beth1112: I felt like I was starting to detach just a bit, then he came home for the weekend to repair the house and we get along so well that I start to get hopeful. Guess I need to work on having no expectations as well as detaching.

That's where I find myself right now. Today has been a good day of no contact. I did not spend the day obsessing over him or the OW. I have to admit that I'm still checking his text/call/data log. Only 3 times a day, instead of every hour. That's progress, I think. LOL. Baby steps. Detaching for a few hours or one day is better than nothing at all.

I thank you both for your support. ((hugs))


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
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Today was a struggle. I woke-up feeling sad, but was able to make it through the morning. I was hoping to ride the wave of grief for a few minutes and let it go. Unfortunately, it stuck with me for a few hours. I called my mother for some emotional support and it turned into an argument. She tells me to stop crying, I'm acting like a baby. I told her she has no idea what I'm going through because she's been married to the same man for 50 years.

Today my anger and disappointment is focused on my in-law and SIL. They all know what has happened and they haven't reached out to me or my daughter. It makes me so angry, and it hurts too. I've known them for 24 years and have made sacrifices to help them out during their own hardships and I don't even get a phone call, a text, NOTHING!!

Yesterday was NC with H. We work for the same organization so he reached out to me on skype about a repairman coming to the house this Friday. I gave him a simple reply. Then he tries to engage me in a conversation. I don't want to be his FRIEND. Maybe he does this to ease his own conscience. Who knows.....

My mood is better this evening. Maybe I needed a good cry. It's been a few days.

I'm going to start working out tomorrow. I think it will help release some of my anxiety and help me with my mood swings.

I hope everyone is taking care. Stay safe.


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
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I don't have a lot of good advice to offer but I can give you a (((HUG)))

Its okay to cry... just be sure not to do it in front of H.

I think your plan of starting exercise is an excellent one!!! I hate exercising but it does help and it keeps me in focus... I just put it off as long as possible and moan the entire time... but I'm always happy when I'm done.

Set goals -- exercise is your first!

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I've a DB setback, folks. I got angry about something that our D23 is going through and I called my H and yelled at him, and told him he was partly responsible for this situation because he is so preoccupied with his whore that he doesn't realize what our D23 is going through. He didn't argue with me about calling OW a whore, but he was upset that I was blaming him for our daughter's troubles.

I know it was a mistake and I used it as an opportunity to lash out at him. I had done very well with NC that past 3 days. I hope my DB'ing can recover from this. I'm sure my tantrum pushed him further away.

UGH!!!


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
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Hi MoGirl, if you did wrong blaming your H for what D23 is going through, it's okay to send an earnest apology. IMHO a good apology is heartfelt (doesn't come from a place of fear), specific, avoids excuses, and doesn't ask anything in return. Then, forgive yourself and move on! We all make mistakes. (:

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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Hi MoGirl, if you did wrong blaming your H for what D23 is going through, it's okay to send an earnest apology. IMHO a good apology is heartfelt (doesn't come from a place of fear), specific, avoids excuses, and doesn't ask anything in return. Then, forgive yourself and move on! We all make mistakes. (:


After I calmed down, I called him and apologized. Then we had a normal discussion about our D's problems. I'm probably over thinking it, but I'm worried this argument has pushed him further away. We have been getting along really well the last few weeks. Time will tell. Funny how we LBS's are so concerned about pushing the WAS's futher away when all they seem to care about is themselves. I guess this is why we use this time to GAL and take care of ourselves.

Maybe the DB light bulb in my head just turned on. LOL.


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
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Originally Posted by MoGirl


After I calmed down, I called him and apologized. Then we had a normal discussion about our D's problems. I'm probably over thinking it, but I'm worried this argument has pushed him further away. We have been getting along really well the last few weeks. Time will tell. Funny how we LBS's are so concerned about pushing the WAS's futher away when all they seem to care about is themselves. I guess this is why we use this time to GAL and take care of ourselves.

Maybe the DB light bulb in my head just turned on. LOL.


YUP

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I'm struggling to be positive today. Tomorrow will be the one year mark that my husband had sex with the OW for the first time. It's unfortunate that I know this detailed information. All of their messages were very detailed. I'm glad that I uncovered the affair, but I don't know if those messages were a blessing or a curse. I know way too many details about the affair timeline.

I keep telling myself that this date does not define me; however, it continues to randomly invade my thoughts Then I start to go deeper into that hole and think of all of the things he said to her about the sex, her body, how he loves her, etc. Ugh!

He will be home this weekend to work on the house. All I can think about is punching him in the face....

I thought some of this pain had subsided, but it has come back in full force today. Lord, give me strength to make it through this weekend.


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
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MoGirl... I know this is hard but you HAVE to take the focus off of him and put it on you. All of your posts are about him and what he is thinking and doing and feeling. You are driving yourself crazy with all of the what ifs. You need to STOP. Stop looking at his phone information. Stop strategizing. Stop wondering what he is thinking and doing. I guarantee you that he is not thinking about you at all except for when something comes up that makes him feel guilty which is when he tosses you some crumbs. But once his guilt is alleviated at bit, he goes deep into the fantasy of his affair. You cannot compete with that right now so don’t even try. Everything you are doing is telling him that you are a solid plan B so he’s not worried about losing you at all.

Stop worrying that what you are doing is going to cause you to lose him because you ALREADY HAVE. He has been working towards this for two years. In his mind, the hard part is over. You know about the OW and he has moved out. Even if he is having second thoughts, he is not going to act on them at this stage because he has come too far. You cannot guilt him into coming back and even if you could, what would you have gained?

What you do right now is critical. You have to put all of your focus into GAL and moving forward. You need to do this. You have to save yourself first so that you will be okay regardless of what happens. The odds of this affair working out long term are not good but you can’t rely on that because even if this one ends, it doesn’t mean he won’t move onto OW#2. I’m sorry. I know that hurts to think about but you need to understand that it is a possibility.

You are only a month into this. I totally get what you are feeling. I was a mess for four months before I really started to focus on me. It was really, really hard and so, so painful but I made it through and you will too. I don’t know if there is a MR#2 for you and your H in the future. It is entirely possible and I hope it happens if it is what you want once you have gotten through this time period. But...I guarantee you that MR#2 will not happen if you continue to try to hold onto him. Let him go. It’s the only way you will ever be able to get him back (if you even want that in the end) but more importantly, it’s the only way to get YOU back. (((HUGS)))

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@ DejaVu6 - Thank you for the straight talk. I really needed to hear it. I thought I was working on myself because I'm going to IC, but you're right, I'm constantly thinking about him. I check the cell phone records at least 3 times a day, and I haven't really attempted to GAL. I guess I'm in denial about what has happened and don't want to believe that he no longer loves me. I keep telling myself there's no way after 24 years he could just stop loving me and deep down he must feel something. I continue to hope this is a phase and he will eventually come to his senses.

I am making myself his plan B. I don't want to be plan B. I WANT TO BE #1. I don't want to be his back-up plan.

I have to face this and let him go. Thank you for your advice and support. It really helps to hear from someone who has had a similar experience. My friends and family try to be supportive, but they can't relate to how I feel because they've never experienced this type of betrayal and hurt. ((Hugs))


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
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MoGirl,it's understandable that you're feeling this way even if you know it's wrong. Find ways to redirect your attention, find a new hobby, pick up a new book, or even watch a new show. Anything to keep your mind from going to that deep hole of thinking about your H. It is not easy, but with time it will get better. You can do it!


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I haven't had much success with the with GAL, but I am proud of myself for not checking the phone records for the past 3 days. I know it's not much, but for me it's a HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT. I was checking the phone records 3 or 4 times a day. The first day was hard, but day two and three were easier. I'm not going to lie, I've been tempted, but then I think, if I do check, what good is that going to do?

I have a job interview Monday. I'm very excited because I currently work in HR, but I'm trying to get my foot in the door for an accounting/financial analyst job. Come to find out, I like to deal with numbers, more than people. If I get the position, it will be about twenty steps from my H cubicle. We both work for the government and the job would not be in his dept, but everyone is in a huge room and all the sections are divided by cubicles. I applied for this job pre-BD. It is a great opportunity and it would be a 10K pay raise.

I'm trying to DB and focus on myself. I haven't been 100% successful, but I'm not giving up. With lock-down, it's very hard to GAL. MY daughter has come over to my house the past few nights and we watched Tiger King on Netflix. OMG, junk food for the brain, but at least it takes my mind off of my H.

Have a great weekend. Stay safe


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
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It has been one week since I last checked the phone records. Not a big deal to some, but it's a huge accomplishment for me. It's the craziest thing to obsess about. I don't know why I was torturing myself by verifying he is still communicating with OW. It's not like he wants me back so I have no idea why I was doing that.

Anyways, baby step towards detachment. I am finding it hard to do because he comes home every weekend to work on the house. It seems he's not getting much work done. We still eat together, go to the store together and act like friends. I don't want to be in the friend zone, but I am scared to pull away.

I bombed my job interview. The first question was so difficult that my mind went blank mid sentence. I was silent for about 5 seconds but it felt like 5 minutes of silence. After I struggled with my answer, the lady apologized and told me she had the wrong interview questions. It was my first telephone interview and I was so nervous. It's hard to answer questions without getting some type of nonverbal feedback. And they didn't ask any follow-up questions. They strictly went down the list. It was only a 17 minute interview. Not one question was asked about my work experiences, skills, etc.

I'm really pi$$ed at myself for my behavior. Why is it so hard to DB? Why am I so scared to detach? This man has been cheating on me for 2 years and I'm scared to pull away. What the he!! is wrong with me?


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
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SOOOOOOOO ---- pat yourself on the back!!!! 1 week and not spying.... feels good doesn't it??? I will say that is the one thing I did not do. I never go their FB. Look at phone records. Why? What would be the point?

Mo - take a minute and realized not spying is part of DB.

Everything comes in baby steps. Sometimes it feels 1 step forward and 2 steps back... but keep on that path.

Sorry to hear about job interview. Maybe it wasn't as bad as you thought? Phone interviews are tough. Keeping my fingers crossed that something comes out of this.

Your fear of pulling away is natural and normal. Its a fear of loss. Uncertainty. Anxiety.

Maybe you should be less available when he is there working on the weekends? I get how hard that is right now with the everyone being affected by the lock down. Can you be doing something else and not available for sharing meals?

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I am struggling today. I feel like I have definitely put myself in the friend zone. I have showed my husband that I will put up with his B.S. and still act like his friend. I don't want to be his friend, but I'm afraid to detach and act "as if".

I know I need to focus on me instead of him. I alternate between sad and angry. Why is this so freaking hard?

I don't want to be plan B. Is it too late to turn this around and get out of the friend zone?


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
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I don't think it's too late to turn things around.

I'm not sure I'm going to have the best advice but try not to be "hanging" with him every time he is at the house. At this time of quarantine that's easier said than done.

Don't go with him to the store every time. When he is at house make that your time to run errands. Don't initiate conversation and let him be the one to lead. Don't give him all the information when he does ask.. just basics.

I think its okay to share some meals because he needs to see any 180s you might be doing... but turn meals dow .

It's hard to get busy when stuck at home but have a friend or family member you can call or video chat with while he is there... just excuse yourself you are expecting a call.

I know the pain you are in. Take it one day at a time. What's one thing Mo can do for Mo? And do it... go for a walk, take a bubble bath... start with something small.

Hugs... Peace and Love

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Short recap: Hubby started EA in 2018 turned into PA May 2019. OW is 21 (H: 45) and lives in another country. She was his parent's cleaning girl. He would visit his parent's every 6 months the past 3 years.

I forgot to mention in my previous thread that this past Feb, he secretly flew to that country one weekend to see OW. That is when I discovered the affair. I found all of their messages and pics.

Husband lives with friend 3 hours away from our home. He received a promotion and the plan was for me to move there once I found a job and then we would put our house on the market. Before BD he was home 3 to 4 days out of the week except for the weekend he told me he would be working and went to see her.

It has been two months since the BD and I can't accept my new reality. I don't know how. Maybe it is because my H has been coming home on the weekends for the last month to work on the house. During this time I have halfheartedly attempted to DB. I tried to do 180's and act as if, but it appears to have put me in the friend zone.

When he is at home, we act like a normal couple except for the affection/sex. He does house chores, asks me what I want for dinner, cooks breakfast for me. We eat meals together and go to the store, etc. I have even climbed in bed with him and cuddled (hanging my head in shame right now). Not sure why he is letting me do this. He still wants a divorce.

This week I have repeatedly asked him if he's sure he wants a divorce. Can we work on this? blah, blah blah. Cried. Told him I don't want to be his friend etc. I just got into a big argument with him over the phone and after we hung-up he sent me a text telling me he's not coming back to work on the house and that we need to have minimal interaction with one another. I didn't respond.

I have given away all of my POWER to this man. I am terrified of pulling away from him. What is wrong with me? I am spiraling out of control.

Please help me, help myself.



Last edited by job; 04/29/20 08:54 PM. Reason: Merged two threads together.

Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
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I'm so sorry for your pain.

While I've been able to leaves my tears behind... because they sooooo don't want to see any tears, we all have slip ups.

Just today I asked H if this is still on track and there is no hope... What was I thinking??? I 100% know this is a behavior that pushes them away. I put down the phone and swore NO MORE.

So join with me ----- NO MORE!!!!

Pick yourself up and make a plan for MO. MO what's on that plan? Weekend is coming up... don't fret. Make a list of what YOU need to do.

Do not contact him. Let him feel your absence... let him know you are 100% able to take care of yourself (even if you don't feel it right now!) Remove all the pressure from him.

You can do this!!! I've got your back girl!

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Please stick to one thread until you have reached 100 postings/replies. I have merged your two threads together because you only had 63 postings on your original thread.


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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted by MoGirl
It has been two months since the BD and I can't accept my new reality. I don't know how. Maybe it is because my H has been coming home on the weekends for the last month to work on the house. During this time I have halfheartedly attempted to DB. I tried to do 180's and act as if, but it appears to have put me in the friend zone.

two months is a really short time, so cut yourself some slack. It is impossible for anyone to suddenly be able to detach and accept the new reality in a few months. Even when you think that you've got it under control, your feelings will still come and go.

Originally Posted by MoGirl
I have given away all of my POWER to this man. I am terrified of pulling away from him. What is wrong with me? I am spiraling out of control.

((hugs)) To take your power back, you need to address your fear of losing him. And guess what, you've already lost him! so there is no point to beg or cry or nice him back. Again, focus on yourself. What are some behaviors that you think you can work on for yourself? start with something small. Remember that your H chose to have the affair. He should be the one crying and begging to stay in your life. What "friend" would do that to you? If I were you, I want even less to do with him than being in the friend zone. Put yourself first, you deserve respect.


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Originally Posted by Wooba
((hugs)) To take your power back, you need to address your fear of losing him. And guess what, you've already lost him! so there is no point to beg or cry or nice him back. Again, focus on yourself. What are some behaviors that you think you can work on for yourself? start with something small. Remember that your H chose to have the affair. He should be the one crying and begging to stay in your life. What "friend" would do that to you? If I were you, I want even less to do with him than being in the friend zone. Put yourself first, you deserve respect.


It is pretty silly of me to worry about pulling away from someone that I have already lost. Thanks for pointing that out to me Wooba.

I am going on day 2 of NC. As I am typing this, he sent me a salty text message telling me again that he is not going to finish all of the repairs on the house and that he's calling a realtor. This is the same info he told me two days ago and I never responded. I think he's trying to start an argument. Or maybe it pi$$e$ him off that I'm not attempting to smooth things over with him???

I was always the one to apologize first or jump through hoops to keep him from being upset or angry. Those days are over. It's hard because I hate it when he's mad at me. I can't believe after everything he's done I'm still worried that he's upset with me.

I can do this. Stay strong, do not reply!!


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
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I'm the same way --- just want to please him...

So stand your ground. DO NOT TEXT HIM BACK.

Let him stew and start to wonder. Take this weekend to find ways you can be more independent for you.

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I am very tempted to text my H and tell him that it's not too late to save our relationship if we go to MC. I truly believe that.

I know this is against DB rules. I don't understand how you can work on the R if you never discuss anything.

I miss him so much. I miss telling him about my day.

Why is this so dang hard?????


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
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Sleep on it. Don’t act on your feelings!


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Stand your ground girl!!!! Trust me... leave him to think about how much he has upset you. Let him stew.

Do not reach out to him!!! You are stronger than you know.

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I didn't text him.

I went to church with my D. After church we went to lunch, did some grocery shopping, and then went for a nice long walk at the park. Had dinner at my parent's house this evening. This is the most I have done in the past 2 months. I've pretty much kept to myself and closed myself off from the world, except when my H was here.

Overall it was a good day/evening. I enjoyed myself and the time spent with my D and parent's, but there were moments I would feel empty inside and lonely, even though I was surrounded by people who love me.

I am still tempted to text or call H and ask about his day, or tell him about mine. I shouldn't feel this way because he's obviously not interested in communicating with me right now.

Still trying to resist the urge and taking it one hour at a time. Nights are the worst.


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
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MoGirl,
Popping in here. We have a striking similarity-my H had a GF thirty years younger in another country. He met her while there for work. After his BD last May, I discovered her. He was “engaged” to her. One thing that helped me, he was out of the country three months. During that time we had no contact. I got myself into IC and I continue still once a week. He came back in August, and promptly moved into our daughters room. (She was away in grad school, also two years younger than the OW) he has gone back to “see” her and as of today, she is with someone her own age.

I was GALing pretty well until the pandemic. At the beginning of the stay at home orders, he traveled to another state. For some reason, I thought he would be a little concerned about me, but no. Our daughter came home for spring break and is still here. Since he traveled while she was here, when he returned, I asked him to quarantine in her room and she is in the living room. I know it helps him avoid contact in all forms with us, but honestly I am used to it.

I don’t want a divorce. H and I have not once discussed our MR since the BD. I haven’t seen that he regrets his behavior. He doesn’t know I know about XOW. I have seen some recognition and smiles I think when he forgets he is supposed to be a jerk. These moments are few and far between.

This has taken a year. In this year I have felt alone, scared and embarrassed. I have also felt strong, found that people want to be my friend and gained confidence in me.

I hope it doesn’t take you this long for you to see a normal husband. I treasure these little glimpses and I know he is still in there. I have no idea when or if he will return. I haven’t given up. Don’t you either.

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Hello, everyone. I need some advice or perspective on my situation.

I accepted a promotion and will be moving 2.5 hours away. My H invited himself to go view some apartments with me. I didn't agree but I also didn't tell him no........

Question: Why would a man who has OW and wants a D, want to spend the entire day with me looking at apartments? He seems to be pretty involved in my life for someone who wants a D.

Any thoughts?


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
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Been there done that.... IDK...

Probably keeping you on the hook for PLAN B? Guilt?

Those are what fueled my H.

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Originally Posted by MoGirl
Hello, everyone. I need some advice or perspective on my situation.

I accepted a promotion and will be moving 2.5 hours away. My H invited himself to go view some apartments with me. I didn't agree but I also didn't tell him no........

Question: Why would a man who has OW and wants a D, want to spend the entire day with me looking at apartments? He seems to be pretty involved in my life for someone who wants a D.

Any thoughts?





My first feeling is that there is a part of him that is still committed to making sure you are provided for and safe. Something interesting to be curious about for sure. Perhaps the men can give an insight here.


me: 46 h: 49
m: 24 T: 27
DD1:20 DD2:17 DS:12
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
Now: He is in the same house, but has filed for divorce.
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Hello everyone. It has been a while since I posted but I still come here to keep up with everyone. I don't have time to post a complete update right now. I'm here to get some advice.

H and I have spent some time together, nothing romantic, just went to dinner a few times. He asked me twice and I asked him once. We don't talk about our R but I did ask him if he's still in contact with the OW. He told me not but I did some snooping and found his and hers secret FB pages. Their status is engaged. My question....should I confrnt him?

It makes me so damn angry. .I want him to know that I KNOW he is still a lying cheater.

Should I say anything or let it go?


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
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MoGirl- I’m sorry to hear that.

What difference would it make whether he knows that you know or not? (Probably better if he does not if you want to proceed with D) A lying cheater already does not have a clear conscience. If you tell him that you know- most likely he will either be glad that everything is finally out in the open now, or he will turn around and place the blame on you (I know it’s crazy).

What are you going to do with this new information? Anger is a feeling....I suggest you sit with this new info for a few days until your feelings subside and can think about it with a clear mind.


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(((MoGirl))). My XH was engaged before he even admitted OW was his girlfriend and not his roommate. I get the anger. I get the betrayal. I get wanting to confront him. My advice would be similar to Wooba’s. Sit with it for awhile. Figure out what it is you hope would happen if you confronted him. If you hope it will change something, I probably wouldn’t do it if I were you as likely it would only push him further away and help him further justify his actions.

Having said that, I did end up confronting my XH. In hindsight, I guess it allowed me to vent a bit and it was somewhat cathartic because I cried in that meeting more than I did the entire time I was “grieving”. I do cringe a bit when I think about it though. I hate that he had that much effect on my mental state at the time and, even more so, I hate that he knew it. And, at the end of the day, my actions changed nothing. We got divorced and they are still getting married.

The good news is that I am WAY over it and happier than I have been in YEARS. There is life after divorce. I wouldn’t have believed it two years ago but I know better now. Don’t be afraid to let your lying cheater go. I did and it was the best decision I could have made. (((HUGS)))

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I can't nice H back and when I call him on his B.S., he gets angry and threatens me with we're done, we're not going to talk or see each other again.

I calmly told him that I knew about his and OW secret FB page, and he flips out and tells me he doesn't know what I'm talking about, and then proceeds to tell me he interviewed for a job on the east coast (we live in the Midwest) and he was undecided about taking it but now I have pushed him over the edge with this accusation and he's definitely done. He says he is stressed and his blood pressure is so high that I am going to give him a heart attack. Whatever...his stress is self-imposed. Honestly, I did not go snooping for their secret FB pages. My daughter found them and told me. Then I couldn't help myself and snooped. Ugh!!!!! Not blaming her. I am taking responsibility for my part. I could have left that info alone and never looked at it....but I didn't and here we are.

I don't want a divorce. I want to try and fix this, even if it doesn't work out at least I can say I tried. Now he's leaving and I will never get the opportunity. I'm so stupid...and pathetic...and needy..and desperate. Why can't I let this/him go? It's been 8 months and I'm tired.

I don't want to be alone. I want to be in a relationship with someone who loves me and respects me. I'm so scared of never finding love again that I am willing to settle for a lying, cheating, disrespectful @$$hole, who doesn't give a $h!t about me.


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
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Quote
I calmly told him that I knew about his and OW secret FB page, and he flips out and tells me he doesn't know what I'm talking about, and then proceeds to tell me he interviewed for a job on the east coast (we live in the Midwest) and he was undecided about taking it but now I have pushed him over the edge with this accusation and he's definitely done


He knows you know. Bring it up again if you'd like to repeat this pattern.

I know he hurt you and so does he, but right now he does not want to acknowledge it. He may never. You have to prepare to live with that reality.

I don't know your whole sitch, but being an attractive woman usually involves certain behaviors. You want to save your marriage? Find out what is universally attractive and work on that. Then refine it to what works for your sitch. Get in shape, be happy, GAL, and grow yourself into a success no matter what your H chooses in the end.

Also, it helps to put your stats into your signature line if you know how to do that.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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MoGirl. Reading your words takes me back to the days I was really struggling. I don’t know if this will help you but I had a series of quotes that I kept in my phone and I would read them whenever I felt myself spinning with the dire predictions about being alone for the rest of my life. The thing is...those are just fears...our worst thoughts. They are not the reality.

One quote that helped in particular was this one... “He REPRESENTS stability, validation, and a resumption of your ability to have control over your future. That is really what you want. You want what he represents to you based on where you are right now. Step back and realize he is NOT those things.”

Another one I found really helpful... “It is truly a frightening thing to face, see, and embrace the unknown but you can do this. All it takes is opening your mind and heart to the vast, and endless possibilities of what you can become within yourself.”

And last but not least...something I wrote as a kind of instruction to myself...”If you are angry and feeling impulsive, breathe...write...scream...move. Just take a step back and think. Does this fit with my long term goals? Dignity and grace. Dignity and grace.”

Start a collection and read them often. It really does help. Imagine yourself whole and healed a year or two from now and then think about what you want to be able to look back and remember about your journey...because that’s what this is...a journey. I never wanted a divorce. I thought I had gotten it right and would be with my H until I died. Letting go of that idea was much, much harder than letting go of him...if that makes any sense.

Now that I have made it to the other side, I feel very blessed to have gone through what I did. I’ve done things I would haven’t done if I was still with him. Met new people. Made new friends. Strengthened existing friendships. Became closer with my kids and other family members. I have a better relationship with myself too. I know now that I am really strong and can get through anything. I like the person I have become and I am happy. You can get there too MoGirl. You just have to let go of the fear and the doubt and ultimately, you have to let go of your H. Maybe he will come back but you can’t focus on that or make that the goal. The focus needs to be on you. The goal needs to be to get you back. I know it’s hard but I promise you, it will be worth the effort. (((HUGS)))

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How do you drop expectations? My H hasn't filed for D which gives me hope that he is having second thoughts. I've learned from the vets around here that this means nothing because usually the WS is too lazy to file. It has nothing to do with second guessing their decision. My question.....how do I break this habit of feeling hopeful and having expectations? Does this all relate to GAL? If I was really GAL and practicing NC, the expectations amd feelings of hopefulness would go away?


@Deja, thank you for your support and words of encouragement. When I start to spin and want to act out , I ask myself if this behaviour aligns with "dignity and grace."


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
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BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
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It has been a while since my last post. Quick recap of my sitch:

Married 23 years and in Dec 2019 H told me ILYBNILWY but stated he wanted to work on the R. Of course he never made any appointments for MC and I did all the research but he would never commit to going. Then in Feb 2020, he went out of the country to see OW without telling anyone where he was going. I was worried sick and called all our family and friends. Then I found an old cell phone that he used to communicate with her and that's how I found out about the affair. It was going on for 3 years and she was his parent's housekeeper. The OW was 18 when it all began, which makes me sick to my stomach because even though she is of legal age (by U.S. standards) it makes me sick to think my H in his 40's is interested and having sex with someone younger than our daughter

A year has passed and I am in a better place but it has taken me a long time to get here. We sold the marital property back in August and we each have our own apartment. I still haven't told my extended family that we are getting a divorce. They all live out of state so it has been easier not to share. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that my husband left me for a young girl. Mentally, I know this is all about him and not me, but I feel like there is something wrong with me that caused him to stop loving me.

This has really taken its toll on my self esteem. Before the BD, we were still having sex but he would have problems keeping an erection. This would not happen all of the time, but it did happen quite frequently. At the time I thought it was a medical issue and encouraged him to go see a doctor but he would brush it off. It all made sense after I found out about the OW. After BD, he told me that his erection problems were due to him not feeling "emotionally connected" to me. I have accepted that we will get a divorce, and I went NC in October, which has helped me tremendously. I am spending time with my daughter and friends, GAL'ing as much as I can due to Covid restrictions in my area, but I am still struggling with these feelings of rejection. Reconciliation is not on the table and I'm fine with that because I could never trust him again or have sex with him again after what he has done, but I feel like I need his validation to prove I am a good and attractive person.

I know this is immature but I want him to want me, so I can reject him.

Last edited by MoGirl; 12/17/20 06:57 PM. Reason: grammar

Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
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Hi MoGirl! I'm glad you are doing better.

I want you to see clearly who he really is. Not any sort of romanticized or excused version of him. One thing that helped me was to have a page in my journal (or in notes on your phone). Where I would write reality and when I wavered would force me to see reality. Whatever works for you and applies to your sitch. For me they were things like:
My husband is willing to live a double life.
My husband lied in order to get what he wanted.
My husband makes me feel guilty in order to shut me down or get what he wants.
My husband was willing to hurt his children to in order to get what he wanted.
My husband let our children hang out with a woman he was cheating on their mother with.
My husband was devious and had secret apps and a secret stream of money.
Etc.
Etc.

Write them down when they come to you. It's pretty hard to look at that and make excuses. Reality is ugly. NOW if my H had a change of heart and was working to make it right, then I would be able to write other things below.

I want you to see clearly in a post you wrote earlier how much he uses you as his fallback excuse and uses it to emotionally manipulate you. He does not own his decisions or problems. He doesn't take personal responsibility and instead blames it on you. He's not nice to you. How attractive is that? If you your daughter told you all of this about someone she was with, what would you tell her? What would you want for her? I see that he beats you down so you are more needy and compliant. I hope this is allowed, if not I will delete it. But one thing that helped me was a book called Love Addiction by Pia Mellody. Dude. So good. It explains why we keep coming back for me and how to heal that. It has helped me tremendously to detach and make a shift.

I also want you to work on your self-esteem. I had the sex-erection issue w my H also. Him having issues and me having no clue he is deep in an affair. He now has rejected me for sex. I used to feel so depressed and rejected and worthless. I've been able to make a huge shift. The way I did it was to change my thought process. As soon as the thought/memory would pop in my head I would think, "Well, his loss!" "I'm hot and enjoy sex and other men would appreciate that in a heartbeat. this is his issue, not mine." "He is nuts to reject me. I feel sorry for him." MoGirl, it took some time, but it worked. I actually feel better about myself because of it. Your brain will believe what you tell it, so be very careful about what you tell it. When I start sliding into fear and depression, I immediately start affirming myself with truths: I am going to be just fine no matter what. It's my life, and I will be happy. Whatever resonates for you. Don't give him so much power over your happiness.

Reality also says an 18 year old is not going to stay with him long. When she uses up what she needs or when sometime else better comes along, she will be gone. Tell yourself, "who cares, she can have him. Good luck, sista."

I know you don't want a divorce. Me either. My husband doesn't love me and doesn't want to be with me. I am following the DB rules for me. If it works for my relationship, then that will be a happy plus. But if not, I will be more healthy and okay. Do you pray? One thing I pray for is for God to open my eyes and see what I need to see. To help me see who he really is and reality. It has worked. I still struggle too. But these things help. Hang in there and celebrate your progress.


me: 46 h: 49
m: 24 T: 27
DD1:20 DD2:17 DS:12
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
Now: He is in the same house, but has filed for divorce.
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Mo, welcome back. Sorry you are still struggling. Are you in IC? Feeling that his problem is somehow a reflection on you is very common, but not healthy. Do you know who Ali Landry is? She is an absolutely gorgeous actress and model. She married Mario Lopez (AC Slater from Saved By The Bell) several years ago, but 2 weeks later filed for annulment when she found out he had cheated on her just days before the wedding. Shania Twain, another gorgeous woman was cheated on by her husband Mutt Lange.

The point? Some men are going to cheat no matter what. A 40+ year-old with a chance at an 18 year-old, unfortunately a majority of men would be tempted to jump at that. Especially one with a wandering eye with a penchant for cheating.

As I tell others, we don't get to control others, but we do get to control how we respond to what comes our way. Get into IC and work through this. Know your own value. Know that sometimes people just cheat because they want to cheat. It is a sad reality that has existed since the beginning of human history.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Mo... I'm 51... AND I've got dating options... so will you at 40 will have no problem getting back out there when you are ready.

Its NOT the life I thought I had a year ago... but I still have a life... just a little different. Not entirely bad... just different.

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Hello, Mo. I became a DBer four months ago and all I will say is this. Stay in touch with us on a regular basis, it really helps. Also, GAL and begin working on your 180s; these apply whether you are trying to hold the R together or moving on. Just putting my 180s down on paper on posting them here made for some productive (and spirited) discussion. Even of one's ex is a MLA, we all have 180s to work on.

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Hey Mo.

I know what you mean about wanting his approval, but I know you know that you don't need it. You just want it. It is silly, but it would make you feel better right?

It won't happen until you are not part of his life anymore. I have seen this a lot, where the LBS keeps the WS around and then wonders why they are being strung along. And the answer is: It's because they are being strung along.

The WS is still used to all of the privilege they had from the marriage. They stay connected to have a base level of security. My ex called and texted me in the middle of the night once because a strange car parked in front of our house (I was not living there anymore). Sorry, call your OM or the cops. Not my business anymore.

WS's want to have their cake and eat it too, and it will leave you feeling used and abused. So you have to not let them. That's a huge benefit of NC. A good NC strategy compensates for our weaknesses by removing us from the manipulation until we can heal some and resist it all effectively from a position of strength. So congrats on your NC since October. Keep it up!


Save yourself. Nobody is coming!
BD:11/2017
Filed:12/2017
Final: 2/2018
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Please someone stop me from doing something I'll regret. My H left town today. He accepted a new job and moved 1,400 miles away. He contacted me a week ago and told me he was moving. We haven't even filed for D yet. I'm hurt. Although things have been over for a year now, I feel his moving makes it final and it just hurts like hell. I really want to call him up and lash out at him for causing so much chaos in my life and our D's life, and just skipping on out of town on his merrily way. I know if I do this it will show that I still care. I don't want to care, but I do. This freaking [censored].


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
Current R status: Separated.
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Don't do it, MoGirl.

It will not elicit the response you would like, and it will only make you feel worse.

In my sitch, my ex moved away 1200 miles and ended up coming back. She also ended up leaving again when she came back after 10 months together.

It's truly over when you say it's over.

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I'm very sorry... that does su*k.

I understand all the pain and hurt.

Stick to not contacting. In the end you will feel better for not having contacted. Take it an hour at a time today... then it will be easier to do a day at a time.

You've got this!!!

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Hi Mo,

Maybe write out everything you want to say to him on paper. Take the time to really get everything out and make your points convincingly. Expressing it TO him won’t help your situation, but taking the time to express it can be therapeutic, and we’re here and care if it’s important your message actually be heard.

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Hi MG,

(((MG)))

I second CW... and was going to recommend not necessarily writing it convincingly, but letting all that anger out. You can write as many letters as you want! Just don't send them. smile

Do something physical too if that helps-- even just a short run (or a whole bunch of jumping jacks!) can clear your mind a bit. I got a punching bag and it was amazing for getting out the anger and a bit of a workout without even noticing it at the same time.

Hang in there. xx


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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