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I don't have a lot of good advice to offer but I can give you a (((HUG)))

Its okay to cry... just be sure not to do it in front of H.

I think your plan of starting exercise is an excellent one!!! I hate exercising but it does help and it keeps me in focus... I just put it off as long as possible and moan the entire time... but I'm always happy when I'm done.

Set goals -- exercise is your first!

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I've a DB setback, folks. I got angry about something that our D23 is going through and I called my H and yelled at him, and told him he was partly responsible for this situation because he is so preoccupied with his whore that he doesn't realize what our D23 is going through. He didn't argue with me about calling OW a whore, but he was upset that I was blaming him for our daughter's troubles.

I know it was a mistake and I used it as an opportunity to lash out at him. I had done very well with NC that past 3 days. I hope my DB'ing can recover from this. I'm sure my tantrum pushed him further away.

UGH!!!


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
Current R status: Separated.
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Hi MoGirl, if you did wrong blaming your H for what D23 is going through, it's okay to send an earnest apology. IMHO a good apology is heartfelt (doesn't come from a place of fear), specific, avoids excuses, and doesn't ask anything in return. Then, forgive yourself and move on! We all make mistakes. (:

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MoGirl Offline OP
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Hi MoGirl, if you did wrong blaming your H for what D23 is going through, it's okay to send an earnest apology. IMHO a good apology is heartfelt (doesn't come from a place of fear), specific, avoids excuses, and doesn't ask anything in return. Then, forgive yourself and move on! We all make mistakes. (:


After I calmed down, I called him and apologized. Then we had a normal discussion about our D's problems. I'm probably over thinking it, but I'm worried this argument has pushed him further away. We have been getting along really well the last few weeks. Time will tell. Funny how we LBS's are so concerned about pushing the WAS's futher away when all they seem to care about is themselves. I guess this is why we use this time to GAL and take care of ourselves.

Maybe the DB light bulb in my head just turned on. LOL.


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
Current R status: Separated.
Joined: Feb 2018
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Originally Posted by MoGirl


After I calmed down, I called him and apologized. Then we had a normal discussion about our D's problems. I'm probably over thinking it, but I'm worried this argument has pushed him further away. We have been getting along really well the last few weeks. Time will tell. Funny how we LBS's are so concerned about pushing the WAS's futher away when all they seem to care about is themselves. I guess this is why we use this time to GAL and take care of ourselves.

Maybe the DB light bulb in my head just turned on. LOL.


YUP

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MoGirl Offline OP
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I'm struggling to be positive today. Tomorrow will be the one year mark that my husband had sex with the OW for the first time. It's unfortunate that I know this detailed information. All of their messages were very detailed. I'm glad that I uncovered the affair, but I don't know if those messages were a blessing or a curse. I know way too many details about the affair timeline.

I keep telling myself that this date does not define me; however, it continues to randomly invade my thoughts Then I start to go deeper into that hole and think of all of the things he said to her about the sex, her body, how he loves her, etc. Ugh!

He will be home this weekend to work on the house. All I can think about is punching him in the face....

I thought some of this pain had subsided, but it has come back in full force today. Lord, give me strength to make it through this weekend.


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
Current R status: Separated.
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MoGirl... I know this is hard but you HAVE to take the focus off of him and put it on you. All of your posts are about him and what he is thinking and doing and feeling. You are driving yourself crazy with all of the what ifs. You need to STOP. Stop looking at his phone information. Stop strategizing. Stop wondering what he is thinking and doing. I guarantee you that he is not thinking about you at all except for when something comes up that makes him feel guilty which is when he tosses you some crumbs. But once his guilt is alleviated at bit, he goes deep into the fantasy of his affair. You cannot compete with that right now so don’t even try. Everything you are doing is telling him that you are a solid plan B so he’s not worried about losing you at all.

Stop worrying that what you are doing is going to cause you to lose him because you ALREADY HAVE. He has been working towards this for two years. In his mind, the hard part is over. You know about the OW and he has moved out. Even if he is having second thoughts, he is not going to act on them at this stage because he has come too far. You cannot guilt him into coming back and even if you could, what would you have gained?

What you do right now is critical. You have to put all of your focus into GAL and moving forward. You need to do this. You have to save yourself first so that you will be okay regardless of what happens. The odds of this affair working out long term are not good but you can’t rely on that because even if this one ends, it doesn’t mean he won’t move onto OW#2. I’m sorry. I know that hurts to think about but you need to understand that it is a possibility.

You are only a month into this. I totally get what you are feeling. I was a mess for four months before I really started to focus on me. It was really, really hard and so, so painful but I made it through and you will too. I don’t know if there is a MR#2 for you and your H in the future. It is entirely possible and I hope it happens if it is what you want once you have gotten through this time period. But...I guarantee you that MR#2 will not happen if you continue to try to hold onto him. Let him go. It’s the only way you will ever be able to get him back (if you even want that in the end) but more importantly, it’s the only way to get YOU back. (((HUGS)))

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MoGirl Offline OP
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@ DejaVu6 - Thank you for the straight talk. I really needed to hear it. I thought I was working on myself because I'm going to IC, but you're right, I'm constantly thinking about him. I check the cell phone records at least 3 times a day, and I haven't really attempted to GAL. I guess I'm in denial about what has happened and don't want to believe that he no longer loves me. I keep telling myself there's no way after 24 years he could just stop loving me and deep down he must feel something. I continue to hope this is a phase and he will eventually come to his senses.

I am making myself his plan B. I don't want to be plan B. I WANT TO BE #1. I don't want to be his back-up plan.

I have to face this and let him go. Thank you for your advice and support. It really helps to hear from someone who has had a similar experience. My friends and family try to be supportive, but they can't relate to how I feel because they've never experienced this type of betrayal and hurt. ((Hugs))


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
Current R status: Separated.
Joined: Nov 2019
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MoGirl,it's understandable that you're feeling this way even if you know it's wrong. Find ways to redirect your attention, find a new hobby, pick up a new book, or even watch a new show. Anything to keep your mind from going to that deep hole of thinking about your H. It is not easy, but with time it will get better. You can do it!


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MoGirl Offline OP
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I haven't had much success with the with GAL, but I am proud of myself for not checking the phone records for the past 3 days. I know it's not much, but for me it's a HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT. I was checking the phone records 3 or 4 times a day. The first day was hard, but day two and three were easier. I'm not going to lie, I've been tempted, but then I think, if I do check, what good is that going to do?

I have a job interview Monday. I'm very excited because I currently work in HR, but I'm trying to get my foot in the door for an accounting/financial analyst job. Come to find out, I like to deal with numbers, more than people. If I get the position, it will be about twenty steps from my H cubicle. We both work for the government and the job would not be in his dept, but everyone is in a huge room and all the sections are divided by cubicles. I applied for this job pre-BD. It is a great opportunity and it would be a 10K pay raise.

I'm trying to DB and focus on myself. I haven't been 100% successful, but I'm not giving up. With lock-down, it's very hard to GAL. MY daughter has come over to my house the past few nights and we watched Tiger King on Netflix. OMG, junk food for the brain, but at least it takes my mind off of my H.

Have a great weekend. Stay safe


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
Current R status: Separated.
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