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Originally Posted by MoGirl
So I told my husband that I don't want a divorce right now and that I was lashing out because I am hurt and angry. He said ok and we chatted a bit and did not talk about the R again. So now what? Do I use the LRT? GAL? What are my next steps moving forward.

I'm still on the fence about a divorce but I reacted out of my anger. I really need time to think about it. As far as I know, he still wants a divorce. I put the ball in his court for now.

Thanks


My advice would be to definitely work on detaching, that way however this ends up your emotions won't be so dependent on how he feels about you.

GAL is still huge. Your goal of working on you hasn't changed. Connect with yourself and support yourself. This is my daily task as well. When I find myself thinking too much about him or the situation, I know I have to shift the power back and work on myself.

Validation is also important, in fact, Cadet's welcome thread is good to go over again and again.

As far as LRT, I will let veterans chime in on that one.

Last edited by oceangrl; 03/20/20 09:12 PM.

the best apology is changed behavior.
***************
me: 45 h: 48
m: 23 T: 26
DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
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MoGirl Offline OP
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Any veterans out there that can chime in on my last post? I know I need to work on detaching and GAL, but what about LRT?

I know he's still talking to OW and has a 3 week trip planned in May to go see her. Smh.

Any advice???


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
Current R status: Separated.
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I spoke to my husband in person for the first time since the DB. He's so cold and distant. It really hurts. He is also very defensive and acts like he is the victim. WTF? Anyways, is this normal? I feel like this is beyond repair. Does everyone feel like this in the beginning?

Any advice from you vets would be appreciated. Thanks.


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
Current R status: Separated.
Joined: Feb 2018
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Originally Posted by MoGirl
I spoke to my husband in person for the first time since the DB. He's so cold and distant. It really hurts. He is also very defensive and acts like he is the victim. WTF? Anyways, is this normal? I feel like this is beyond repair. Does everyone feel like this in the beginning?

Any advice from you vets would be appreciated. Thanks.


Yes --- my H is the same way. Cold hard stare. Blank face. Most of the time. Doing things/saying things to justify his behavior.

There was one afternoon where he came home and said hello first and his face was soft and relaxed and there were no signs of stress. He seemed peacefull. I went about my day and left to do things I needed. When he returned later that same day it was back to cold, distant, angry.

I truly think that when H pings back and forth he is confused and questioning himself. If he sees me making changes he can become even angrier.

Why would that be???

Because when H sees you being different then they say to themselves... Well if she can do it NOW, why wasn't she doing it all along??? It has to be because they were not worthy or something of the like.

But, I can tell you from previous experience they will at first get angry about any changes that they are seeing.

I got a scathing text from H that stated that he sees me now taking pride in myself and hitting my home gym equipment hard to get into shape. I should have been doing it 4yrs ago according to him. Its just another log to add to his fire on why he is leaving but at the same time anger is them questioning themselves.

Listen to the vets... let them guide you. Don't feel that you need to react everytime he DOES something. Truly work on yourself and what things you would like to see in your life and it truly does make them curious and draw them back in but it takes time... a lot of time... you have to be willing to give it your all and at the same time leave him alone.

HUGS

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Originally Posted by MoGirl
I spoke to my husband in person for the first time since the DB. He's so cold and distant. It really hurts. He is also very defensive and acts like he is the victim. WTF? Anyways, is this normal?


Yes it's normal. How long it lasts varies. It could be a few months or a few years. My XW continued it through S and D. It wasn't until a couple of years after D that she started warming up to me again.

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I feel like this is beyond repair. Does everyone feel like this in the beginning?


Yes, because the WAS sends out signals that it's over and done and zero chance of recon. But that is only a reflection of how he feels right now. He may very well change his mind later.

Quote
Any advice from you vets would be appreciated. Thanks.


You've got to accept his current behavior as temporary and try not to let it get to you. It's going to take a very long time before you might start seeing the "old him" again.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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I think the cold stares and distance are them trying to emotionally shut down. How else can he possibly function in the face of the double life he is leading? It is a way of existing in the face of truly horrific behavior. Sort of like compartmentalizing. Confronting the pain he is causing is too much to bear. They have to dissociate from it all. I remember conversations where H was like a marble statue. His body was there but the eyes were like a statue. Totally shut down.

It feels really awful doesn't it?

You are doing great. Such strength. Take all the time you need.

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I'm very anxious this week because H is coming to the house this weekend to do some repairs. We will have to work together the next few weeks to get he house ready to be put on the market. I'm hoping I can keep it together and not talk about the R or OW. It will be very tempting. I want to ask him to stop seeing her and work on our R but I know that's not the right thing to do. He has to make the decision on his own. I cant control him or the situation.

He tells me that he has lost all his dignity but still continues to talk to OW and has a trip planned in May to go see her. I asked him not to go. How the hell can he say he has no dignity left but still continue with the A?

I'm trying to let go. It's very hard because I'm a control freak by nature. I pray that God will work this out and He has a plan for my life. I'm not in control.


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
Current R status: Separated.
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 48
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MoGirl Offline OP
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I have a question about "Believe nothing they say and half of what they do". My husband told me ILYBNILWY and he doesn't think he can get back there. Then he says even if he cut off his relationship with the OW he would still feel the same about me. Then a few days later he says he does have some feeling for me but he doesn't know how we could ever recover from this and he doesn't want to go back to the way things were.

So my question is this all BS? He seems to be all over the place. Is this why we don't believe anything they say? I know he's still talking to her and has a trip planned in May to go see her. I asked him not to go. He didn't respond.

That conversation took place last week by phone. He's at the house this weekend doing some repairs. We had planned on selling it before the BD. We have been getting along and working well together. I have not talked about our R. It feels like old times except we are acting like friends. I don't want to be his friend. I don't know how I should interact with him. I don't want to be too cold but I'm worried he might mistake my friendliness for forgiveness. Or he might think I don't care about the R. I don't know what I'm doing.


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
Current R status: Separated.
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 1,792
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I think you are doing fine.

They are all over the place which is why you have to detach. Be polite but not overly friendly. Give him space... pull back and let him come to you.

Good job on not initiating R talks.

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My husband tried to give me a hug today when he left. I refused it. Did I do the right thing? I felt like it was a sympathy hug because although I didn't cry, my eyes did tear up. He didn't say anything. He just walked out of the house. Now I'm second guessing myself. Should I have said something like " as long as you're still seeing the OW , you can't expect to be affectionate with me" I'm second guessing myself.

Any advice?


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
Current R status: Separated.
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