Husband Living a Double Life

[oceangrl]

MoGirl,

Reading your posts brings back so many feelings from the awful time I went through. My husband had a secret bank account, he had bought a Porsche I knew nothing about (it was pre-owned and needed fixing up), his affair was 2 years long with a friend of mine. I could not eat or sleep. I went down to 103 pounds. I cried all the time.

A book that MWD recommends is "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass. It explains what your husband is thinking and why he would do something so insane. People who end up in affairs can't fill their own holes.

You are in the shock phase. It will get better. Get counseling asap, especially someone who specializes in this. I had a great coach who can work with people online but I don't know how to do private messages or if that's allowed.

I echo so much of what Steve says. Take care of yourself.

My advice, is don't make any big life decisions right now. Just keep yourself safe and take care of yourself. DR is helpful to read because it helps you to be healthy and take care of yourself no matter what ends up happening with your relationship.

[Cadet]

Steve85: I have Divorce Remedy but I thought it was for people who want to save their relationship. That's not where I am at. I don't want to save it. Would it still apply to my situation?

YES it still applies

[SteveLW]

Steve85: I have Divorce Remedy but I thought it was for people who want to save their relationship. That's not where I am at. I don't want to save it. Would it still apply to my situation?

Are you sure about this?

Yes. I don't think I can forgive him for this type of betrayal. A 2.5 year affair with a 21 year old woman. She's younger than our daughter. This young lady was 18 or 19 when she started seeing my husband. It's disgusting. Even if I wanted to salvage this relationship, he's too far gone. I don't see him every wanting to come back. He checked out 2 years ago.

So do you not want to save the marriage because you can't forgive him? Or because you don't think he'll come back?

[AnotherStander]

I just found out he has been having an affair with a 21 year old for at least 2 years, maybe 3. His parents live in another country and he goes there every 6 months. Come to find out, it's the cleaning girl.

Do you know the term "limerence"? Both of them are firmly caught up in the limerence phase of the relationship. Normally it wouldn't last years, but since they only see each other every 6 months then they are able to keep the "fantasy" relationship intact where everything is perfect and they don't have to deal with the harsh, unpleasant sides of a real relationship.

I can't seem to get their conversations out of my head. He is acting like a lustful teenager. He says he's in love with her. He feels like a new man. They are soul mates.

Of course. Because they haven't had to deal with anything as a couple. They're living in a dream world where everything is sunshine and rainbows.

They refer to one another as husband and wife. He is her king and she is his queen. He wants to take care of her and have children with her. He's telling her all of the ways he wants to make lover to her. Quoting poetry, etc. As I'm reading their messages all I can think about is WHO are you and what have you done with who I thought was my husband.

A lot of people refer to these situations as "invasion of the body snatchers" because the old spouse they knew seems to have had their personality removed and replaced with an alien. Sometimes the old version of them returns, and sometimes not. Often (like in my XW's case) they only come partway back. Anyway do look over the MLC forum and read all the stickies there, I think you'll identify with a lot of it.

He asked her to marry him earlier this month.

Well that's different. I can't say I've heard of a married man asking OW to marry him while he is STILL married to the LBS! That's about as low and scuzzy as behavior can get.

He's staying with a friend

Good. Do not let him back. He needs to do a lot of work on himself before you should consider that.

I don't make enough to cover half of the finances. My response to him was "it's not that simple". I'm not agreeing to anything until I speak with an attorney. I have reached out to one that was highly recommended, but he is currently out of town.

Great! I've seen people here recommend contacting and getting a free consultation from all the best divorce lawyers in your area, because apparently if you consult with them then even if you don't use them your H can't either.

I have no intentions of trying/wanting to reconcile. Even if I wanted to, he is too far gone.

That doesn't mean he's beyond hope but I can understand why you feel that way. If you give him time and space and move on, at some point the shine will come off his new relationship and he'll start missing his old one with you. But it could be a very long time before that happens. If he's in MLC it could take years to resolve.

[MoGirl]

Steve85: I have Divorce Remedy but I thought it was for people who want to save their relationship. That's not where I am at. I don't want to save it. Would it still apply to my situation?

Are you sure about this?

Yes. I don't think I can forgive him for this type of betrayal. A 2.5 year affair with a 21 year old woman. She's younger than our daughter. This young lady was 18 or 19 when she started seeing my husband. It's disgusting. Even if I wanted to salvage this relationship, he's too far gone. I don't see him every wanting to come back. He checked out 2 years ago.

So do you not want to save the marriage because you can't forgive him? Or because you don't think he'll come back?

I don't think he will come back. He has already asked her to marry him. Which is crazy because he's still married to me. And if he wanted to come back, I don't think I can forgive him. All of the things he said to her, money he has spent on her, secret bank accounts he has opened. I just can't see myself forgiving him for all of this. This is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life.

[SteveLW]

I don't think he will come back. He has already asked her to marry him. Which is crazy because he's still married to me. And if he wanted to come back, I don't think I can forgive him. All of the things he said to her, money he has spent on her, secret bank accounts he has opened. I just can't see myself forgiving him for all of this. This is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life.

The reason I asked is because at this moment, with the wound so fresh, you may not what you want. And that is understandable. Most of us come here with an iron-grip on wanting to save our MR. After all it is called "Divorce Busting". You found this forum, signed up for an account, and posted your sitch. That tells me there is some part of you that wants to save your MR. Remember, being conflicted on this is okay.

Early in my sitch I was on the roller-coaster of emotions. But I was also on the roller-coaster of what I wanted and what I was going to do. I vacillated between wrapping around her legs, holding on for dear life, and begging for her not to leave me. To changing the locks, setting her crap on the front porch with note that said "HIT THE BRICKS!" So I get it, you may not know what you want.

But do not underestimate the fact that he may not be sure that leaving and marrying her is really what he wants. Oh sure, that is something a horny guy tells to a young lady so she'll let him touch her fun parts. But when the brass tacks are down, don't be surprised if he comes back, begging for forgiveness and wanting a second chance. I've seen lying cheaters that were sure they didn't want to stay with their LBS......only to wake up one day and realize they were throwing away everything for a crap shoot. After all, this young chick that he is enjoying for her body now, may not be the mind and soul he wants to grow old with. Plus there is an old saying, if they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. He may wake up one day and realize "do I really want to be looking over my shoulder, wondering who she is banging, for the rest of my life?"

So take some time. Read the book. Breathe. Focus on you. Go out and find that girl you were when you first met him. Likely you weren't sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself. But you were out living a life. Go find that again. GAL like a mad woman. Then take honest stock of yourself. Can you improve? What are your bad behaviors? Then get into IC to deal with all of this and 180 on that bad behavior. And finally, detach. Detachment is a healthy way to be. Even in a healthy MR. Google "self differentation in marriage". After my most recent sitch I've come to the realization that two attached people in a MR is a recipe for disaster. What a healthy MR is too self-differentiated individuals coming together to make a healthy union.

So step back, take some time. Put DB into action. If you decide later that you can't forgive him. Then D the lying, cheating bum and move on to an AWESOME life.

Hang in there...it does get better. We've all gone through it, learned, kept our head held high. And came out the other side better for it. Whether or not we saved our MR.

[DejaVu6]

Sorry you find yourself here MoGirl but you have come to the right place to help you get through this. My H (XH now) was also leading a double life...for at least five years. I only know about the last OW who he is marrying in July and asked her prior to being divorced. He only met her two years ago so I am sure there were others that he will never admit to. Like you, when I found out, it was the WORST pain I ever felt. I’m not going to lie to you. It lasts awhile and it sux beyond belief. But...eventually the pain fades as you find your feet again and start to adjust to your new normal. There IS life after betrayal and it can be a good one if you make it that way. I am living proof. You can and will get through this. I promise you!!! You will get to the other side and even find yourself feeling glad he is gone because living in the light is always preferable to living in the dark. My XH is a shell of a person. He is clinging to this new R like a lifeline because it is all he has left. He has damaged all of his other relationships. He has likely convinced himself that he hasn’t but I know different.

Re: this 21 year old. She’s already been married? That says all you need to know right there. Let your H go. I give this new relationship two years...less if they manage to find a way to live together. She is a child. Once the hormones and chemicals fade, he will find himself in a world of hurt. This R has about a 1% chance of going anywhere so feel confident that his pain is coming. And when it hits, you will be long over it and wondering what it is you ever saw in him in the first place. Anyone capable of cheating on his wife and family is not worthy of you. Let her have him.

Gotta get to work but just wanted to say hello and give you some support. I know what you are feeling right now. It is awful. Have faith... it will get better if you take the focus off of him and what he is doing and focus on yourself. (((HUGS)))

[ovrrnbw]

I don't think he will come back. He has already asked her to marry him. Which is crazy because he's still married to me. And if he wanted to come back, I don't think I can forgive him. All of the things he said to her, money he has spent on her, secret bank accounts he has opened. I just can't see myself forgiving him for all of this. This is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life.

We have a saying around here: "Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do".

Cheaters constantly profess their love for their OW/OM. They all spend money like fools. Some make marriage plans.

The marriage plans are the most absurd though. Still married but getting engaged to someone else...unbelievable.

Focus on your, your growth, your behavior, your 180s, your health, your happiness, your attitude, your healing.

[MoGirl]

Thanks everyone for your advice and words of encouragement. I have an appointment scheduled with a good attorney next Wednesday. I need to study up on what questions to ask, etc. I'm not going to make any decisions right away. It's only a consultation. I have my first IC appointment tomorrow morning. We'll see how that goes.

My H has only contacted me once and it was about finances. I thought he might at least apologize for the pain he has caused. I know I shouldn't expect anything from him. He's a different person now. My D22 reached out to him and he hasn't even apologized to her. His only statement was "I'm sorry if you are not happy with my choice". She asked him the age of the OW and he told her he had to go take a shower and never replied. What a d*#k. He's so defensive. Takes no personal responsibility. He even tried to deny the OW when I was looking right at the evidence.

I know this is a terrible thing to admit, but I want him to feel the same type of pain that he has inflicted on our family. I want him to feel scared, lonely and sad. Instead he is in full fantasy mode - looking for his own place and planning his new life without us, without me.

Again, thank you.

[oceangrl]

Thanks everyone for your advice and words of encouragement. I have an appointment scheduled with a good attorney next Wednesday. I need to study up on what questions to ask, etc. I'm not going to make any decisions right away. It's only a consultation. I have my first IC appointment tomorrow morning. We'll see how that goes.

My H has only contacted me once and it was about finances. I thought he might at least apologize for the pain he has caused. I know I shouldn't expect anything from him. He's a different person now. My D22 reached out to him and he hasn't even apologized to her. His only statement was "I'm sorry if you are not happy with my choice". She asked him the age of the OW and he told her he had to go take a shower and never replied. What a d*#k. He's so defensive. Takes no personal responsibility. He even tried to deny the OW when I was looking right at the evidence.

I know this is a terrible thing to admit, but I want him to feel the same type of pain that he has inflicted on our family. I want him to feel scared, lonely and sad. Instead he is in full fantasy mode - looking for his own place and planning his new life without us, without me.

Again, thank you.

I have been there. My H cheated on me for two years with a good friend of mine. Let me tell you something, your H is in the a&&hole phase. That's what living a double life with no integrity does to you. It literally changes who you are. In order for someone to keep living a life like that, they have to change their values and who they are or they couldn't survive. They become incredibly selfish.

You, on the other hand, will go through trauma, probable PTSD, and heartache. I know this. I went through it. But you will find a strength you never knew you had. You will find a love for yourself that you didn't have. You will understand happiness. Having IC is the first best step. I am three years out, and while my H is still a selfish dbag, I am grateful for who I am now and so many people in my life. The worst of it has passed. Because of my work, I know I can find someone better at some point.

Many who cheat do hit the bottom and regret it terribly. I know some of them. They are better people now. But the ones who don't do the work, like my H, I believe down the road they will regret it. In this life or the next. I hope to see it.