Hello, everyone. Here's my story, I'm 47 and soon to be ex husband is 45. We have been together for 24 years and married 23 years. I just found out he has been having an affair with a 21 year old for at least 2 years, maybe 3. His parents live in another country and he goes there every 6 months. Come to find out, it's the cleaning girl. I found all of their pictures, messages, and they were even sending voice messages to one another. Not sure how that works. Maybe it was through the app. They were contacting one another through WhatsApp.
I can't seem to get their conversations out of my head. He is acting like a lustful teenager. He says he's in love with her. He feels like a new man. They are soul mates. They refer to one another as husband and wife. He is her king and she is his queen. He wants to take care of her and have children with her. He's telling her all of the ways he wants to make lover to her. Quoting poetry, etc. As I'm reading their messages all I can think about is WHO are you and what have you done with who I thought was my husband.
It's just disgusting. She was married and left her husband so he's trying to secure himself as her next husband. He asked her to marry him earlier this month. WTF? I don't know who this man is. Although I had my suspicions he was having an affair, never in my wildest dreams did I think it would be with a girl younger than our daughter. I'm devastated. He hasn't even apologized to me or our daughter. In fact, he hasn't said anything to me since I confronted him. At the time I confronted him, I had not found their love messages to each other.
He's staying with a friend and only contacted me once to say we need to split the finances. That's a load of crap. He makes more than twice what I do. I supported him in his career and while I worked, my jobs were not as demanding because I was busy raising our daughter and his nieces who lived with us for 5 years. I don't make enough to cover half of the finances. My response to him was "it's not that simple". I'm not agreeing to anything until I speak with an attorney. I have reached out to one that was highly recommended, but he is currently out of town.
I wanted to come here and vent. Get some moral support. I have no intentions of trying/wanting to reconcile. Even if I wanted to, he is too far gone. I feel like I'm in one of those bad Lifetime movies.
Me: 47 H: 45 T: 24 M:23 D23 BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country) Current R status: Separated.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds like he is still in the "affair fog." Where everything with this person is butterflies and unicorns.
I agree with the above. Do you have the DR book? Order it if not. Also, I would consider IC. This forum is a good place to be.
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sorry you are here, but you've found a great place to help you through your sitch.
What struck me was your point about not being able to get what you read, saw and heard out of your head. I relate so much to that. As a chronic snooper I really always kind of regretted seeing what I saw. I would read everything, watch everything, listen to everything. And I didn't need to. There is nothing wrong with doing some recon to confirm your suspicions, but I encourage anyone reading this to stop once you have what you need. The images, sounds, and words will stay with you for a very long time.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Ovrrnbw: Thank you for your kinds words. You're right. He's not the same person I used to know. He's not the same person I thought he was a few days ago. The last two years of our life was a lie and he was pretending. I don't understand why he didn't divorce me back then instead of me finding out this way and putting me and my daughter through pure hell.
Oceangrl: Yes, he is definitely in the affair fog. Besides sex, what in the world does he have in common with a 21 year old? What do they talk about? All of their messages where basically "I love you my love, I'm so happy I found you, We are soul mates, God brought us together". Besides professing his love and how he is a changed man, he told her all the ways he wanted to make love to her. Eck! There were no real conversations of substance. I have the DB book and started reading it before I found out this information. I don't know if I should continue because isn't it about saving your marriage? I have no intentions of trying to do so. I start IC this Friday.
Steve85: After I confirmed my suspicions, I gave him the passwords to his email. I had hacked into them and changed the passwords until I was finished gathering all of the information I needed. I found where he had set-up two secret bank accounts that I knew nothing about. Plus a trip to some resort where they went for the weekend. I forwarded all of this to my email accounts in case I could use this information in the divorce. Yes, I hate that this information is seared in my brain, but now I know the truth. No turning back now.
I wake up crying every morning. Maybe because this is so new and my feelings are so raw. Also, I was diagnosed with the flu yesterday. Ugh....
Me: 47 H: 45 T: 24 M:23 D23 BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country) Current R status: Separated.
Yes, the emotions are real. No need to stifle them, just don't cry in front of him. Cry alone. Get into IC! This is awful to deal with and you need help.
Also, try to take care of yourself. I got so sick in my sitch from not eating and not sleeping. It is terrible for your immune system. Start eating right, drink some OJ and other high vitamin C juices. Avoid processed foods, go to whole food diet. Workout! You will be amazed at how working out helps your state of mind.
Have you read Divorce Remedy yet? If not get it and read it. Reading should become one of your favorite pastimes. Read relationship, anti-D, and self-improvement books. I was reading 3-4 books on average a month.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve85: I have Divorce Remedy but I thought it was for people who want to save their relationship. That's not where I am at. I don't want to save it. Would it still apply to my situation?
Me: 47 H: 45 T: 24 M:23 D23 BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country) Current R status: Separated.
Steve85: I have Divorce Remedy but I thought it was for people who want to save their relationship. That's not where I am at. I don't want to save it. Would it still apply to my situation?
Are you sure about this?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve85: I have Divorce Remedy but I thought it was for people who want to save their relationship. That's not where I am at. I don't want to save it. Would it still apply to my situation?
Are you sure about this?
Yes. I don't think I can forgive him for this type of betrayal. A 2.5 year affair with a 21 year old woman. She's younger than our daughter. This young lady was 18 or 19 when she started seeing my husband. It's disgusting. Even if I wanted to salvage this relationship, he's too far gone. I don't see him every wanting to come back. He checked out 2 years ago.
Me: 47 H: 45 T: 24 M:23 D23 BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country) Current R status: Separated.
