About your father's home. I think what you suggested to your family, i.e., turning it over to the mortgage company, may be the best way to go. If she's going to list it, there are fees that are associated w/listing w/a realtor. The questions that need to be addressed are...what is the house worth? Is someone going to go in and update/clean it up or sell as is? Maybe these are the questions you and your brother need to discuss w/your sister. I understand the sentimental angle, but someone will still purchase it from the mortgage company and love it just as much as your sister did.
You are also correct that the bill collectors, etc., will come out of the woodwork once it's sold looking for money from the estate.
I am so very sorry that you and your family are having to deal w/this. I hope that you are able to resolve all of this in the next few months.
BTW, I agree w/kml...GF couldn't maintain wearing the mask of a kinder, gentler individual. Sometimes, it takes a while before the flags pop up. I am sorry things didn't work out better w/her.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
And I would even ask her things like, "you used to tell me ABC but now you say XYZ, I'm confused on why you've changed on that" and she would reply "but we had just started dating and I was trying to impress you."
Wow. Scariest thought is that she was able to keep up the charade for so long. A cautionary tale, for sure!
Sorry it didn't work out but yeah, no one needs that. I'm glad you jumped out of the pot!
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
About your father's home. I think what you suggested to your family, i.e., turning it over to the mortgage company, may be the best way to go. If she's going to list it, there are fees that are associated w/listing w/a realtor. The questions that need to be addressed are...what is the house worth? Is someone going to go in and update/clean it up or sell as is? Maybe these are the questions you and your brother need to discuss w/your sister. I understand the sentimental angle, but someone will still purchase it from the mortgage company and love it just as much as your sister did.
Hey Job, thanks for your input! The reverse mortgage is 266k. We had a realtor look at the house and she said it is possibly worth 297k. The estimated closing costs and realtor fees are 23k. So the estimated net proceeds are 8k. I'm an architect and I know some flippers. I went through comps in the neighborhood and talked to my flipper friends and showed them pics and described the work that needed to be done (full kitchen reno, reno both bathrooms, new paint and flooring throughout, clean up exterior and landscaping, replace non-working HVAC system). The consensus we all came to was a basic renovation would be 80k+. Fully renovated comps in the neighborhood are going for 340k-360k. So renovating it is out of the question. I'm also EXTREMELY skeptical that it would sell for 297k in it's current condition. The interior has never been renovated and it was built in the 60's. It's only worth what it is because it's a large home in a central location. I would expect it to appeal only to flippers, and my flipper friends said they wouldn't touch it for over 220k.
I have explained ALL of that to my brother and sister! I told my sister DO NOT do any work on the house. What did she do? Hired some people to replace some windows, clean up the garage and work on the landscaping. I can't even begin to describe how hard-headed she is, I will talk to her on the phone and she will agree with everything I say, then hang up and do the opposite. I've told her I'm not contributing any money to doing any work on the house because it's a lost cause. She said she understands, but wants to do some cleanup work herself and try to list it just in case a nice family wants it.
I completely agree with you that if the mortgage company repo's it, they are of course going to sell it so how is that any different? It still ends up in the hands of a family. I said this to my sister and her reply was that it might take months and be falling apart by then. I mean she does have a point, it could become a target for vandals and such. But in my opinion the risk versus reward ratio is completely out of whack.
Next weekend we are all meeting there to go through it and remove everything we want. Then the realtor has someone that will clear out the rest for free or may even pay us a few hundred for the contents. After that my sister will list it and see what the response is. We have 90 days before the mortgage company starts the repo process. So she figures if there is no interest in a couple of months then we will inform the mortgage company we are walking away and it's all theirs.
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You are also correct that the bill collectors, etc., will come out of the woodwork once it's sold looking for money from the estate.
Exactly, and of course when selling a house there are always extra expenses you don't anticipate. I told her if she lists it then it needs to clearly state the price is non-negotiable and it's as-is. No allowances, no payment of repairs, etc. Because the price is barely break-even. Next weekend I will try to talk her out of it again. If she insists on proceeding, I am going to tell her it's all hers, whatever profit results from it she can keep because I'm washing my hands of it.
I can't remember if I mentioned this but I literally begged my dad not to do the reverse mortgage. They are a legal scam. They pay out a small amount of money (less than 100k in my dad's case) and charge outrageous interest rates and penalties so that by the time the person dies the family has almost no choice but to surrender the house to the mortgage company. So my dad got around 100k, which he burned through in short order, and now we (the estate) owe 266k. Wow.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Wow. Scariest thought is that she was able to keep up the charade for so long. A cautionary tale, for sure!
I honestly still don't know what to think, I mean was it a charade? Or did she change in those years? Or is she just going through something? I mean look at my XW, she was a sweet, kind, gentle soul that loved me unconditionally for over 20 years and then transformed into someone who couldn't stand to be in the same room with me. I don't think that was a charade, she just changed. Maybe it was the same for XGF except on a shorter timeline. Much like with my XW though, I've accepted I'll never know "why" her behavior changed. And I'm fine with that, we had many great years together and I don't regret it but I need to move on to protect myself.
I think what gets lost on this board is that people change and are needs change. I’m probably never going to marry again because I’m pretty sure my needs now aren’t the same as I’ll have in my 60s and 70’s.
No relationships last forever and some are meant to be short term. The important thing is that each person comes into your life for a reason and to teach us a lesson.
No regrets And moving on to protect yourself all sound good to me.
No relationships last forever and some are meant to be short term.
No relationships last forever??? Really? Is this your experience? Because I just don’t see it as true and my expierence is much different. My maternal grandparents were together over 48 years until my grandmother died and my grandfather missed her until he died 10 years later. My paternal grandparents were married for 71 years until my grandmother died. My grandfather greatly missed her for the 14 months he survived without her. My parents will celebrate 60 years this summer. I could go on and on. Clearly some relationships do last forever - or at least until death. I’m curious why you feel otherwise?
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I meant it in a metaphysical way that nothing lasts forever. Having said that I lean now towards with both parties now working and people living longer that the reality of people staying together 50-60 years will greatly be reduced. It’s very rare to see 2 people who have been together for decades still committed to meeting each other’s needs physically and emotionally. Takes a lot of hard work and is becoming more easier to just start over.
I think what gets lost on this board is that people change and are needs change. I’m probably never going to marry again because I’m pretty sure my needs now aren’t the same as I’ll have in my 60s and 70’s.
No relationships last forever and some are meant to be short term. The important thing is that each person comes into your life for a reason and to teach us a lesson.
No regrets And moving on to protect yourself all sound good to me.
Of course people and needs change. The point is, in a relationship one hopes that even if people and needs change they still work together on the relationship, that it stays a priority.
My parents were married just shy of 73 years.
Originally Posted by LH19
It’s very rare to see 2 people who have been together for decades still committed to meeting each other’s needs physically and emotionally. Takes a lot of hard work and is becoming more easier to just start over.
Just because something's easier doesn't make it the best choice. I'm not talking about GFs or BFs, I'm talking about marriages. Marriage vows don't typically include "til one of us changes, has different needs, isn't up for the hard work and decides to take an easier path by starting over with a newer model."
I mean, what's the effing point of that, seriously? Sorry - I'm exceptionally sensitive to this today as my exh is in town.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Hey everyone! Well my brother and sister and I spent an emotionally exhausting weekend going through every nook and crannie in dad's house. It all went smoothly, we had no issues dividing up the things we wanted to keep, none of it was really worth much except sentimental value. I think I mentioned before that dad strangely just quit opening his mail 6 months ago. I went through it all and made a long list of bills he owes. I showed that to my sister and explained there is no money in trying to sell his house but she still wants to try. Not for monetary reasons, but because she has memories attached to it.
As a side note, my dad lived in Houston. I'm not sure if this made the national news but there was a huge explosion there in a business about a month ago. Turns out it was about 3 miles from dad's house and may be the reason he died (heart attack). We know he died sometime in a 48 hour window but not sure exactly when. The explosion happened in about the middle of the window. We drove through the area and the devastation is incredible, it must have been a massive explosion. Looks like a war zone.
So I returned from the trip Sunday evening and was sitting eating some peanuts and cracked a tooth! UGH! When it rains it pours! Dentist was closed yesterday and couldn't see me today so I have an appointment for tomorrow. It doesn't hurt much, but there's a jagged edge that keeps stabbing my tongue.
I still talk a little on and off with XGF but just casual "hey how's it going" stuff. I'm still talking to the other lady as well although I think we will just be friends.
Originally Posted by LH19
I think what gets lost on this board is that people change and are needs change. I’m probably never going to marry again because I’m pretty sure my needs now aren’t the same as I’ll have in my 60s and 70’s.
No relationships last forever and some are meant to be short term. The important thing is that each person comes into your life for a reason and to teach us a lesson.
Marriage is definitely not on my radar either. I got married in my mid-20's mainly to share life with my XW and to start a family. My family days are over, I love my kids to pieces, and I love kids in general, but at nearly 60 I have no desire to start a new family. I'm completely open to a romantic relationship but really don't see getting married again. I'm just too set in my ways, and like my space, LOL!
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Of course people and needs change. The point is, in a relationship one hopes that even if people and needs change they still work together on the relationship, that it stays a priority.
Couldn't agree more. I was willing to change and flex and accommodate to make the M continue, but my XW wasn't. I really do think that if she had been willing to put in even 25% effort it could have worked. But she even admitted herself that she didn't want to put in 1%. She actually said exactly that! I don't understand why you wouldn't want to put effort into your longest-term and most important life investment, but it happens!
I'm completely open to a romantic relationship but really don't see getting married again. I'm just too set in my ways, and like my space, LOL!
Me too! Current boyfriend lives with me but only because he was diagnosed with lung cancer 3 months after we met. Not sure I would make the choice in the future to have another boyfriend live with me - I like having my own space. And I definitely do not want to be financially entangled with someone else.
