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#2887894 03/03/20 04:29 AM
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AKuei Offline OP
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Hi all,

I was having problems with my wife over the past couple of months and it was a godsend that i stumbled on this forum. I've read many posts in the forum that is somewhat similar to my sitch but like the comments that everyone else made; every sitch is different.

Some brief info:
M: 7 years
T: 9 years
D4 and D6
No BD yet because we are still living together due to financial reasons (she doesn't have the means to move out with her spending habit)

Here's a brief timeline of events and I'm not even sure if my W falls into the WW or the MLC category:

- Had an argument on how my parenting styles differed from her (I'm a typical asian dad that disciplines by rule of the cane while she's more of a parent where they reason things with kids) after I disciplined my kids about pleading with my father to give them sweets while they were still recovering from a cough. I snapped and scolded my Ds and my dad for caving in
- Apologized immediately after the incident and agreed to change my parenting style (which I did till this day; no caning, not shouting anymore)
- cold war starts
- i started to snoop on her messages because i felt uneasy and i uncovered a OM that she is communicating more frequently with one particular co-worker that is always constantly complaining about how his W is treating like dirt (looks like she found some common ground)
- found out she deleted the messages between them too
- confronted and she said trust is broken (it's my fault; shouldn't be snooping on her phone)
- suddenly gotten 2 tattoos a few weeks later
- started to hang out more with colleagues
- started to splurge on tonnes of stuff (heels, hairdo, clothes shopping, drinking, dinner with colleagues and friends, organizing stayovers, etc)
- complaint about why the kids are getting closer to me instead of her and her reason was that I'm treating my Ds better now because of guilt
- tried to LRT to a certain extent but had a few misses now and then but still trying to go on ahead
- stopped my routine of sending her to work and fetching her as well; she said public transport is easier
- attended one MC but told me she will not go back again because she hated it. I'm still going alone for the next one though

One major event happened over the weekend. The OM's sister contacted me to tell me that the OM's wife is uneasy about the constant communication between the both of them on non-work related matters and asked me to stop my wife

I confronted her but was calm and steady. Did not accuse her of cheating and i was trying to understand why things have happened this way. She was maintaining her innocence throughout and her explanation was that she felt connected to him because she felt that she's in the same boat as that OM. Told her that in order to move forward we have to create new memories and new future instead of harping on the past. She kinda agreed but reemphasized that the trust is broken, she doesn't love me any more and she is torn between giving up or working together. She also said that she's an independent woman and if things go south she will just focus on her career on the kids.

Past couple of days i saw improvements because she's starting to open up to me because of that particular topic and was always trying to say that she's the victim in this because she just wanted to help out the OM and there's no one else he can turn to at work (she claimed the OM's wife is a control freak and caused him to go see a shrink).

This morning she was asking me if i could send the the screenshot of the message that the OM's sister sent me. I struggled but i sent it to her. In it i was asking if we could discuss the situation further. Now she claimed that because I wanted to find out it seems like i don't trust her anymore. I told her my viewpoint about not the need to find out more and not listening to the story from another angle but she's not taking any of it. Her replies were cold and sarcastic.

At this point I have absolutely what to do next and I'm starting to feel suicidal because she might have convinced me i'm the villain in all of this.

One more thing; her dissatisfaction about me was that during the initial years i wasn't helping the home that much and was on my phone. She felt like a maid because she had to do everything herself (not entirely true; she's got minor OCD and will re-do whatever i've do if i don't do it her way). Other stuff like broken promises and stuffs too.

Sorry for the long post but I hope i can get some pointers on how to proceed from here. I'm super depressed now and can't even GAL as much as i want to. Help me.


M(36), W(36), D(6), D(4)
M-7, T-8
Bomb Drop - Nov 28, 2019
W requested separation - Sep 30, 2020
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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AKuei Offline OP
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Thanks cadet.


M(36), W(36), D(6), D(4)
M-7, T-8
Bomb Drop - Nov 28, 2019
W requested separation - Sep 30, 2020
Joined: Feb 2018
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Originally Posted by Ahkuei
- confronted and she said trust is broken (it's my fault; shouldn't be snooping on her phone


This one always chaps my behind. So snooping on her phone (which should be completely open and unlocked to you BTW) is worse than having intimate discussions with an OM. DO NOT LET HER GET AWAY WITH THIS.

I told my WW in the thick of my sitch: "Nope, you aren't turning this around. Snooping on your device is no where near as bad as there being something for me to find."

Stand your ground. Command respect.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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Originally Posted by Ahkuei

In it i was asking if we could discuss the situation further. Now she claimed that because I wanted to find out it seems like i don't trust her anymore.


WHY in the the world would you trust her??? Those worthy of trust show themselves to be trustworthy.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Feb 2020
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AKuei Offline OP
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thanks for the advice steve85...

Now it took a turn for the worse. She found out that I wanted to approach the OM by getting his number. My intention is to talk to him about her sister contacting me about the excessive communication; and my W flared up and said I'm making the situation worse. And then BD. She mentioned divorce. Later when she came home I asked her if she's serious about the D and she said she dropped it out of anger but the intention is there now.

I told her I'm not going to force her for a closure and I left the house. Looks like whatever I've achieved so far is down the drain and I have to start the LRT all over again. It's until she wants to have the R talk or I die; whichever comes first.


M(36), W(36), D(6), D(4)
M-7, T-8
Bomb Drop - Nov 28, 2019
W requested separation - Sep 30, 2020
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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Originally Posted by Ahkuei
It's until she wants to have the R talk or I die; whichever comes first.


NO R talks.

Don't do it.

Nothing good will come from it.

Believe ACTIONS not talk.


Me-70, D37,S36
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job Offline
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I would suggest that you not contact the OM about anything at this time. I would suggest that you block the person that you are getting excessive communications from. The best thing to do is just leave things be. The more you attempt to rationalize w/your w, the more frustrated you are going to get. You don't want to push them together by attempting to contact the OM or telling your w that you want to do so. She will feel the need to protect him at all costs. The less you say about the situation, the better. If the affair is ongoing, it needs to die a natural, slow death on its own.

Now, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and continue moving forward. No more relationship talks, no more talks about contacting the OM. Block the woman today.

Focus on you!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted by job
I would suggest that you not contact the OM about anything at this time. I would suggest that you block the person that you are getting excessive communications from. The best thing to do is just leave things be. The more you attempt to rationalize w/your w, the more frustrated you are going to get. You don't want to push them together by attempting to contact the OM or telling your w that you want to do so. She will feel the need to protect him at all costs. The less you say about the situation, the better. If the affair is ongoing, it needs to die a natural, slow death on its own.

Now, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and continue moving forward. No more relationship talks, no more talks about contacting the OM. Block the woman today.

Focus on you!


THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh and what Cadet said to! Avoid R talks at all costs. If she corners you and starts one, listen and validate.

You've got this.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Feb 2020
Posts: 64
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AKuei Offline OP
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Even if she's starts it? Should I just act like a friendly neighbour and try to validate whatever she says?

And yes, I believe actions are better than words. In fact for the past couple of weeks when I was GAL-ing and focusing on the kids I felt better and my kids were so close to me that I felt everything was right in the world. My D6 even randomly gave me hugs and kisses as if she knew I needed it badly...

Its just so unfair to not give my kids the best childhood without either of the parents around. It felt like I failed them because I couldn't control myself better to become the husband that my W wants.


M(36), W(36), D(6), D(4)
M-7, T-8
Bomb Drop - Nov 28, 2019
W requested separation - Sep 30, 2020
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