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Kindly Offline OP
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Hi Cardinal,

You’ve crossed my mind many times as I now approach my one year mark to BD. I was doing ok, focusing on me and spending lots of time between work and my family...but then something changed over the last month or so and I’ve fallen into a bit of a emotional hole. I’ve gone backward. He has many behaviours that trigger my sadness and “why is this happening” line of questioning in my head which leads to self doubt, hurt and then sometimes disgust (with him and his behaviour)

The L’s have still not exchanged any FD’s yet he has attacked me on numerous occasions still about getting our house sold. The evaluation date isn’t even settled yet as my L suggested a later one.
He accuses my lawyer of stalling. When I talked to mine she said she hasn’t heard from his lawyer in over a month. So the game continues. All of my docs have been completed and officially signed off on. I also understand that he can not legally sell this house without my signature or without getting a court order which my L says will take “a very long time” and would prob be thrown out with the facts that I would present.(Health etc during pandemic and no FD yet) so the big question is why can’t I just live my life with him coming and going?

I don’t know.

It’s hard when it’s constantly in your face.

The unanswered WHY is plaguing me. I’m allowing it to. And that makes me angry at myself.

Why couldn’t we use this time to work on what he thinks is wrong?
Why is he now putting effort into going out and going away with other people? Did I seriously hold him back for those things? Or worse, did he just not want to do them with me? If the later WTF not? Is it really simple enough to say here that people “fall out of love all the time”??

His behaviour and “happy” demeanour and his direct reports of feeling perfectly happy continue to make me question MLC, which spirals me to be,ie I guess that I did this, I caused it ....

Since I’ve been away from dB site, I’ve been yelled at / “told” over the most ridiculous things:
-looking at him as he passed me in the hallway
-opening a “special” bottle of wine
-wanting to get something fixed in the house -“why we won’t be here..who cares leave it”
-Misplacing keys to which he had a spare

His behaviour continues to be baffling:
-gone from work-a-holic to COVID shut down since Feb/March. Stays in basement playing video games or excessively working out Or talking on phone loudly (laughing and living it up)
-spent lots of $on new bike which I can count on two hands how many times he has taken out for a ride
-In the last few weekends has made many efforts to go away “to cottage” I have no way of knowing if that’s where he is actually going and I know I shouldn’t be focused on that anyway but it hurts
- has bought all new designer cloths fit for a teenager (Never gave a crap about a label for all the years I’ve known him)
-continues to spend spend spend

One of my bigger concerns which will need to be addressed At some point, is that he is slowly taking over the entire garage and driveway of our shared house. I’m shocked the neighbours haven’t complained yet. It’s also putting a target on our house because he constantly has something new in the driveway ....today it’s a boat trailer !!!!!!!!
I’m so happy I’ve taken advice from here and split our finances early on. I would have been in big trouble I think.

I think the biggest upset for me is how from the outside looking in it just looks like he’s “finally taking time for himself” because he’s not working. How does he not see that this was 9/10ths of our problem ?

As you can see I’m very scattered again right now. I am very busy at work, and am taking time for myself with friends and family but I just feel empty.

Thanks for any words of encouragement or advice to keep going. I’m really starting to feel like what’s the point...it’s too broken.

Hope you are all well and I will start catching up on your situations...

KindLy needs some hugs. Xo

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((((((Kindly))))))

Your mind is out of control. Stop thinking. You can't think your way out of this.

You do not want to use this time to work on anything with him. That man is not your H. When/if your H reenters his body, you can work on things. That could be years from now. THAT MAN IS NOT YOUR H. You can't use your will, your behavior, your words or even your standing to get your man back into the body in front of you.

You will not have any peace until you can disconnect the guy that looks like him from the man you knew.

Your H is locked somewhere far away where you can't see him. The only person who has the key is your H. You don't have the key. You don't have the key. You don't have the key.

The other guy, the one that looks like your H, will do all kinds of crazy stuff. There is no point in talking to him about anything -- your R, his stuff, your $, your driveway, getting something fixed in the house. He'll be mean and nasty. If he's nice for a minute, don't even enjoy it. He'll be mean soon enough. Don't let him disrespect you. Leave the room. Tell him, "I am not ever going to allow you to speak to me like that," and leave the room. Do it every time.

Do you want to fix something in the house? Fix it yourself. If you can't, pay someone to do it. If you can't pay someone to do it, live with it.

Make a space for yourself and make it beautiful and just for you if moving is not possible or isn't what you want. Spend much of your time in that space. Make a garden shed you can enjoy alone, or a room in your house or a closet you convert. See friends, take walks in the woods, try to find whoever you are without H. You may or may not see him again. You can decide then if you want to talk to him.

Do you like to draw? Write? Make pottery? Do that. Create something.

Can you help someone? Write to a person in solitary confinement or an elderly person who is alone? Buy groceries for an elderly neighbor or mow her lawn? Do that. DO things instead of looking at all you can't do or he won't do.

I am telling you all this because I was you. I understand exactly how you are feeling/thinking. Maybe you can avoid some of what I endured.

Let that man who looks like your H go. Write letters to the real H and bury them in a box. Say everything you want to say, how much you miss him or hate him or why he ruined your life or how you want him back. Make a list of all the expectations you had of him and your marriage and title it, "The Expectations I Will Let Go." Hide the letter and look at it in six months. To the alien that looks like your H, say nothing at all. Smile, if you can muster it. But never respond about anything at all serious. He can't hear you.

Last edited by Gerda; 07/27/20 10:35 PM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Kindly, I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling this way. (((Kindly))) I hope coming here will help you shake off the funk you've been in. Gerda always has good advice.

Originally Posted by Kindly
He has many behaviours that trigger my sadness and “why is this happening” line of questioning in my head which leads to self doubt, hurt and then sometimes disgust (with him and his behaviour)


I have spent a lot of time in self doubt lately after a couple of rounds of serious spewing from H, in which he tries to make me feel ashamed, inadequate, crazy... you name it. And you know I've struggled, like you are currently, with H looking happy from the outside. But it's just that--from the outside. Take that energy and put it back on you--pursuing what makes you happy. What brings you peace and contentment, even for a few minutes? Do those things. Do them as often as you can. Let H and his garage and his loud talking become a tiny blip compared to these things that bring you joy.

H tells me all of his new friends can't believe he was married to me, etc. And your H is yelling at you for ridiculous things. Don't believe any of it! Don't take on the feelings he is projecting onto you. Somewhere deep inside, I bet he is feeling unworthy and is trying to make you feel unworthy. You aren't! I know that's easier said than done. Do you have an IC you can talk to about how you're feeling? Are your family and friends able to help you see yourself and your situation more clearly and reflect your own value back to you? Keep surrounding yourself with people who make you feel good about life and about yourself, whether those people are IRL or in books or movies or podcasts or paintings or web forums. I've found headphones help me keep my focus on me and my immediate bubble--I'm taking a cue from H in this regard! smile

I love all of Gerda's advice and am taking it to heart as well.

Kindly, I wish I could offer you a piece of cheesecake. How's your garden?


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Originally Posted by Gerda

Your mind is out of control. Stop thinking. You can't think your way out of this

Originally Posted by Gerda
Your H is locked somewhere far away where you can't see him. The only person who has the key is your H. You don't have the key. You don't have the key. You don't have the key.

Originally Posted by Gerda
To the alien that looks like your H, say nothing at all. Smile, if you can muster it. But never respond about anything at all serious. He can't hear you.

So glad I posted on here again....I was suffering alone for weeks, feeling small, feeling lost, feeling sad, beating myself up. Thanks Gerda ...your words have refreshed me and have also reminded me how often I need to hear the same thing over and over again. This is frustrating to me but it’s where I am at so I have to let that go.

It’s like the mind knows it but the brain still can’t compute it.
Originally Posted by cardinal
Take that energy and put it back on you--pursuing what makes you happy. What brings you peace and contentment, even for a few minutes? Do those things. Do them as often as you can. Let H and his garage and his loud talking become a tiny blip compared to these things that bring you joy.

Yes this! I’ve lost site of this with The mind swirls and being so busy at work...which has its own struggles right now too...I’m terrified of restructuring and just trying not to focus on that...I recently applied for another job but didn’t get past the first stage. Which I’m mostly ok with because I really do love where I am and leaving isn’t my first choice. It’s just another suspenseful situation...I think the mind can only handle so much suspense...lol! I def need to REFOCUS

I had a great day yesterday - baked and made all kinds of yummies from the garden. And put together a really nice basket for a friend. I’m also taking pictures again and getting back to my main hobby and side business. This is proof that focusing on me works way better ...just hard to do sometimes with H stomping around in your face.

The headphones are a GREAT idea ...I love that you took that from H ...I so remember you writing about that!, love it.

Opps forgot Cardinal - the garden is amazing right now....so many tomatoes, zucchini, herbs - but most importantly I’ve taken to making mojitos using the mint from my garden....Yum but yikes...def need to do in moderation they are soooo good.

Thank you both for helping with my re-entry to focusing on me! (Hugs)Xo

Last edited by Kindly; 08/02/20 01:11 PM.
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Half journaling / half I don’t know ~~~~~

I wrote this on Cardinal’s site but wanted record of it here on mine:

My hiatus was due to work and life taking over but also truthfully because my mind has been stuck in a swirling vortex. I’ve been facing, questioning and reliving so many things. I have been stuck on the following:

-reconciling with the *emotionally painful truthful elements of what he spews and taking TOO MUCH responsibility for it ending our M because of him blaming me and me feeling horrible I didn’t fix things. (ssm)
-obsessing over where the man I married went
-trying to stop speculating as to why his family and a couple friends specifically have fallen away since March; what is he telling them?
-why he is SO focused on selling the house when FA/ separation has not been presented yet
-looking ahead without all of the info. This is a big one that spirals me every time. I keep assuming I will not be able to stay in my house $$ ....I don’t know this yet. I think I’ve attached weird feelings of failure to having to leave...when truthfully this house is to big for just me anyway. It’s just that we just finished redoing many things to our liking and it’s my home. I’m super conflicted over this one.

And to sum it all up, the big one is how much longer can I live with him if I don’t get back to letting go and dropping the rope fully. Everything affects me so much again.

Things I’m doing to not help myself:
-overhearing, h phone conversation...he might as well be talking through a mega phone he’s so loud ...but I need to start walking away and not *wanting* / caring what he says or is talking about or to whom.....haven’t been able to fully do this yet...part of me feels like knowledge is power, part of me just wants to keep tabs - yet the Dbing part of me screams walk away focus on YOU. I just need to execute that better. Perhaps cardinals headphones are good idea here.

-went down to “his” room to honesty get something the other day and when I opened the door I was greeted with a video camera he’s installed!!!!!! Is he allowed to do that???? I panicked and left but then was smart enough to go back in and get what I came for so it didn’t look suspicious. Really? He’s allowed to roam the house freely but “his” bedroom is off limits to me??? Wow. Ok.

-convincing myself that he just didn’t want to spend time with me. Now that he hasn’t been able to (obsessively) work due to covid he’s been ramping up his outings (away the last few weekends, big trips he packs tonnes of stuff for and has bought all new gear for) things that he knows I love doing and that in the past I feel like he has been “along for the ride during”...how does one not take this personally?

-becoming closer with family when all along I would champion for him to take time off to visit more etc....one day he spewed that I always complain when we get together with his family and that I didn’t like cleaning and cooking - what the????????!!!!!! I went out of my way to plan and make nice meals and enjoyed doing it. MLC talk I guess?

If only we could turn the brain off for a rest like we do a light. Dnj (And others) I can already hear your wise words here of refocus on me. Feel like I’ve taken soooo many steps backwards. BD anniversary is coming up and all the crazy stuff that happened prior to me figuring out what was going on is plaguing me a little right now too.

Hope you’re all well and continue to stay safe and keep loved ones safe. Xo
Kindly

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This was my mantra: “Let Go or Be Dragged”

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I like that kml...to the point and accurate
Thank you !

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Originally Posted by Kindly
-reconciling with the *emotionally painful truthful elements of what he spews and taking TOO MUCH responsibility for it ending our M because of him blaming me and me feeling horrible I didn’t fix things. (ssm)

Ditto, ditto, but you already know where I'm at with that! It's like if there's a grain of truth in the spewing, that means it's all true... which is not accurate, is it? But it can feel that way. It seems to me that we fall into this as they are going overboard in the opposite direction and taking no responsibility at all. They aren't in a place where they can confront any pain other than their own (which isn't actually all due to us, either, though they must tell themselves it is). We are able to see beyond ourselves and be empathetic, though; we are confronting the pain we may have caused our spouses and ourselves, and we want to make amends, but we shouldn't be taking responsibility for all of it. I know that and you know that, but I suppose it's a work-in-progress to really own that and not have to remind ourselves to put down the blame.

Originally Posted by Kindly
And to sum it all up, the big one is how much longer can I live with him if I don’t get back to letting go and dropping the rope fully. Everything affects me so much again.

I am having some trouble with this too. The last spewing from H pushed me to fully accept his alien-ness and recognize that as detached as I have become from him, it's still not a healthy environment to be living in, is it? If I didn't have all these beloved pets that go with the house, and if I could afford another place, I think I would seriously be considering it. But you can get back to a more detached place. I think sometimes it happens in starts and stops. And with BD anniversary approaching, it would make sense that emotions are stirred up. You'll get through this! Hopefully posting here will give you support as you move the focus back toward you.

The headphones have helped me. Now I get why my H had them on for like six months. Ha. It seems like maybe overhearing his calls is doing more harm than knowledge-is-power good for you right now.

A video camera? Eye roll. I've wondered many times if my H has something set up somewhere. After his freak out over the financial info I asked for, he eventually left for his room as I was asking him for a date on which I could expect some of these documents, so I followed him and stepped one foot in his room before he yelled, "Don't come in my room!" Just a couple of weeks before that, he'd asked me to help him with something in his room. Seems like more teenage behavior in retrospect.

The takeaway, I guess, is that all of these behaviors you're listing are all about him, and not you, even though it may feel personal. We have to remember that!

Originally Posted by Kindly
I had a great day yesterday - baked and made all kinds of yummies from the garden. And put together a really nice basket for a friend. I’m also taking pictures again and getting back to my main hobby and side business. This is proof that focusing on me works way better ...just hard to do sometimes with H stomping around in your face.


This is a kind of turning your brain off, giving it a rest, right? Keep doing these activities that bring you joy and shift your focus from your H's craziness. Maybe even do them with headphones on. smile


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Originally Posted by cardinal
The takeaway, I guess, is that all of these behaviors you're listing are all about him, and not you, even though it may feel personal. We have to remember that!


This is very good for me to read and re-read. I remember typing early on that the silence in the house is deafening. I didn’t think it would get even worse. It’s now at a point where there is zero interaction. Not even a hello or good morning. I think being full on ignored is a tough one for me to not take personally...even though deep down I think I do know it’s not about me.

What do other people do? Just give him the space and ignore back ...I can’t even bring myself to,say good morning or start convo anymore to get no reply or a grumpy grunt of some sort. Ignoring him seems so rude but I didn’t do this.
It’s so extreme now I swear he sits in the basement and waits for me to come upstairs to enter any common areas. In one way I guess it’s good because it limits the chance of getting spewed at but it just makes me shake my head.

I started this journey with so much love, compassion and Patience (hence my title) but I’m lost. I can still find love for who he was but certainly not this version of him. I feel like my compassion and patience is wearing thin. Everyday as home time approaches the pit of doom returns to my stomach for what I might face next.

I’m nervous and shocked that the neighbours haven’t asked anything yet. We live In a quiet Well kept area. It is impossible that they haven’t noticed all of the crazy stuff going on, the constant different vehicles, extra vehicles on the road, trailers, etc. I know I should just focus on me but I’m struggling with all the constant changes when I pull onto my street and enter the house. Wondering “who, what, why” is not GAL behaviour but I’m also staying busy between a crazy work schedule right now and my hobbies, I Just find my mind constantly comes back to analyzing the situation right now.

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Hello Kindly

I’m sorry things have started to swirl around again for you. And yes, you accurately predicted my encouragement of re-focus upon yourself. smile

Those backwards steps you feel you’ve taken, consider them actually forward progression. You need to go through something again. Perfectly normal, and a good and healthy path. And BD anniversary is bound to stir up a few things. (((Kindly)))

H installing a video camera in his room. Yep, that’s one confused dude there. So teenager-like.

Originally Posted by Kindly
It’s now at a point where there is zero interaction. Not even a hello or good morning. I think being full on ignored is a tough one for me to not take personally...even though deep down I think I do know it’s not about me.

What do other people do? Just give him the space and ignore back ...I can’t even bring myself to,say good morning or start convo anymore to get no reply or a grumpy grunt of some sort. Ignoring him seems so rude

His ignoring you is not about you. It’s him.

What to do? Give him space and time. Lots of both. That’s different than ignoring.

Watch your expectations. Keep them at zero, for both expecting him not to say anything and to say something. You are starting to build resentment towards the expected behaviour.

Say good morning, and if he ignores or grunts, go about your day. If he says something nice, respond, and go about your day. Don’t let his behaviour dictate how, and who, you are going to be.

Originally Posted by Kindly
I started this journey with so much love, compassion and Patience (hence my title) but I’m lost. I can still find love for who he was but certainly not this version of him. I feel like my compassion and patience is wearing thin. Everyday as home time approaches the pit of doom returns to my stomach for what I might face next.

I like your thread title - finding patience and facing fear.

I understand your compassion and patience is starting to wear thin. Expectations are not helping either. You are expecting, worrying, and fearing, the next thing you might face.

Indifference. Compassionate indifference. This is the time you need to find indifference; to let go or be dragged.

Don’t worry you can be both compassionate and indifferent. Indifference bolsters patience, lessens fear, and helps re-focus yourself.

I do empathize with you being lost. It’s the love disappearing, the love you started this journey with. It’s ok. It’s just being put away for safe keeping, for later. It’s indifference taking hold. Have faith, it will feel wrong and weird at first.

Indifference allows you to grow and find your beliefs and yourself. It protects you from H’s behaviour. Without indifference H’s actions and words will eat away at your love like an acid. Resentment will continue to build. Compassion will wither.

It is good you can still find your love for old H. Love for new H is quite a different matter. In time that does alter.

We all need a certain level of understanding to let go. So no worries with all the analyzing, we all did it too.

Focus on you, and keep moving forward.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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