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Good Morning Kind

It is a struggle - the lies, the projections, the blame, the anger. Add to that the flips to normalcy, the obvious confusion, the shortsightedness, and the short memory and seemly mental processing power of a gnat. The alien MLCer.

Good for you expressing your feelings. Let them out, vent; in a safe place and manner. smile

Your feelings are valid and true; and not permanent. They will change. This is all steps along the path. Which you’re walking really well I will add.

His behaviour and the facade he shows, yeah some people do go along with it. You know better. Still, it takes a while for one’s self esteem to not be affected. As I said you know; it’s your feelings that are still catching up to that understanding. The compassion, the struggle.

Originally Posted by Kindly
First time since this began that I’m feeling angry and disgusted with his behaviour.

Yep. Your feelings are perfectly normal. His behaviour is disgusting.

Emotional understanding takes time. Let the feelings wash over you.

These are healthy steps along a healing path.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Thx so much for saying I’m doing well Dnj. It really means a lot. This week for me feels very out of control.

H has made a surprise return home and has been here for one hour. In this short time H has completely ignored me ...like I literally don’t exist, had a convo with a friend on the phone where he was professing how hard this all is on him and how it’s not going quick enough, and implied that I’m exhibiting nasty behaviour and that he needs to check up on “something to see if I’ve been on”. He is now doing his excessive exercise with tv blaring. After hearing to much and allowing fear to enter and convince me that he’s somehow spying on me I turned on the tv and drowned the rest of the convo out.

I keep rubbing my eyes, but the disbelief just won’t go away. The want is strong to scream “dig deeper....look behind the surface...why have you done/are you doing all of these things...are you listening to yourself??????” I truly feel the hole is too deep for him to dig himself out.

I’m nervous, on edge and saddened with this stranger in my house.

Thx for the vent again, it helps...if even for a little bit.
K.

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As usual, I'm right there with you, Kindly. I've been thinking about your other recent post since I read it, in which you said you were feeling angry and disgusted with your H's behavior. And this:

Originally Posted by Kindly
The last few days I’ve been really struggling with compassion. Like what the f is he angry about!!??? I know it’s not about me but I’m the one that’s been blind sided, cheated on, treated like dog dirt, accused of awful things, all because he can’t express his feelings?


And this:
Originally Posted by Kindly
This monstering behaviour with a quick flip to complete normalcy is really weighing me. I know I shouldn’t care about what other people think...but I’m allowing it to sink my self esteem and rational thought when I hear or see him interacting with his family or friends as if everything is 100 % normal.


I could have written the exact same things on the day you wrote them. Since my H's angry outburst a couple of weeks ago, I've both reached a new level of indifference but also disgust, if that makes sense, and the feelings come and go. I no longer have the urge to make small talk with him, because of the things he said to me and the way he said them. Because of the way he continues to treat me, as if the outburst didn't happen.

The word disgust has stuck with me. I hadn't realized that's partly what I've been feeling sometimes too. Disgust that he could not only decide to end the M suddenly and in his actions blame me, but that he could make this process so ugly. It doesn't have to be, because we (you and me and others here) are willing to try to be kind and compassionate even if it's not what we want. Because maybe in some way we're also willing to honor the past relationship/friendship we had with the WAS, to look beyond the way they're acting out now. Like strangers.

And I've been overhearing more of those convos where H is laughing and pretending everything is normal. I also think his attitude is the same as your H's--i.e. I am making this so difficult for him. Which has me wanting to say all of those things you wrote above, along with, "Why are you so angry? What did I do--want to work on the M? Try to own my faults? Apologize wholeheartedly to you?"

All of these questions may be useless to ask them, because we know they don't know, can't now do the work to look within, can't figure out what's going on inside of them; the shorthand is it's just us, we're what's wrong. It makes so much sense that they have to project the things they don't like/can't face about themselves onto us. Of course we are the only ones in their lives being blamed for every problem! But I still think knowing this and feeling this are two different things. Doesn't mean our self-esteem doesn't sometimes take a hit, doesn't mean we can't work on building it right back up. Still, the urge to confront them with all of these questions is there. I hear you.

I'm so sorry your H crashed back in with his irrational thinking. After the break you had, it makes sense that you're feeling on edge and sad. I bet if you ride those feelings, another wave of indifference will come. I was sitting in my room while H talked on the phone to friends, allowing myself for a minute to remember the way things used to be, feeling lonely, and then I saw your post. It made me feel less alone. I hope my reply makes you feel less alone.

I'm re-reading this from DnJ:

Originally Posted by DnJ
His behaviour and the facade he shows, yeah some people do go along with it. You know better. Still, it takes a while for one’s self esteem to not be affected. As I said you know; it’s your feelings that are still catching up to that understanding. The compassion, the struggle.


We'll get there. (((Kindly))) Can you go outside for a bit and get away from H? Take a short walk?

Last edited by cardinal; 05/15/20 11:18 PM.

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Originally Posted by cardinal
I no longer have the urge to make small talk with him, because of the things he said to me and the way he said them. Because of the way he continues to treat me, as if the outburst didn't happen.

I’m sorry he treated you like this Cardinal...I feel like every flare up is somehow a small test for us. It definitely tests patience, resolve and I think too our own self respect. I’m still navigating how I feel about these things combined and how to behave for me. This current complete silence and ignoring right now is a new awful and strange.

Originally Posted by cardinal
I'm so sorry your H crashed back in with his irrational thinking. After the break you had, it makes sense that you're feeling on edge and sad. I bet if you ride those feelings, another wave of indifference will come. I was sitting in my room while H talked on the phone to friends, allowing myself for a minute to remember the way things used to be, feeling lonely, and then I saw your post. It made me feel less alone. I hope my reply makes you feel less alone.

It 100000% makes me feel less lonely and I’m so happy I was able to do that for you too. smile I instantly get a little hug feeling every time I come back on here and see that someone has written on their own page or mine.
And I think your right, it’s finding and riding the wave of indifference, overcoming our own emotional flare ups whether driven by sadness or fear.
I currently don’t like the situation I find myself in. It feels like a game and I’m not one for game playing. He is FULLY ignoring me because of the last correspondence from the L. (Going on to day 3 of this) I know if I talk to him I will get a monster attack of “I can’t talk to you because your lawyer will use it against me”.
Not too sure what to do ....have I given enough detail to ask for advice?
Do I continue to let his silence towards me deafen? Or behave like myself and instigate a good morning or something and risk the attack?
When I really analyze this I don’t really have anything to say, so I think it’s the uncomfortable feeling of zero acknowledgment that we share a space together and of course the feeling of vindicating his opinion of “roommates” again. Do I continue to feel the discomfort and leave him alone to reach out first? Is this part of detaching?

“There is no try” ...Hmmm I’m starting to question Yoda Dnj!!!!
I feel like I’m not “doing”, even tho I can hear you saying sometimes doing nothing is doing something. Lol!!!

K.

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Take a page from dog training manuals - ignore the bad behaviors, reward the good ones.

Go about your day AS IF you were happy and content ( even if you aren’t ). Be proactive, don’t be reactive to his moods.

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Originally Posted by kml
Take a page from dog training manuals - ignore the bad behaviors, reward the good ones.

Go about your day AS IF you were happy and content ( even if you aren’t ). Be proactive, don’t be reactive to his moods.

Haha! This is excellent Kml! I’ve recently fallen into a sink hole and my positive behaviour has gone with it.

I ABSOLUTELY have been reactive and this is exactly what has me feeling “off”. Thank you so much for adding to my page and reading through my jumbled words to offer your help and help me see a little clearer.
I will flip my script again and get back to being me!!!! Re-reading my last few posts has made me realize I’m spending too much of my time and energy on his behaviour again.

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Hi, Kindly—how are you doing? I’m sitting outside and was just thinking about you. The breeze is lovely, but it’s getting hot.


T: 16 M:10
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Just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you and I hope you are well!


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Thx for checking in on me Cardinal...I just wrote a catch up post and it disappeared. I’ll try again tomorrow.

I have a lot of catching up to do. I’m doing the best I can At the moment.

Testing to see if this posts.....

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Hi, Kindly! I've been thinking about you and wondering where you are in the D process and how it's going, and just how you are doing. It looks like H is ready to start it all again on my end...


T: 16 M:10
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