What you are witnessing may be moments of clarity. They do swing back and forth emotionally. Sometimes it could be an action, conversation or even a reminder of some sort and it will send them swinging the pendulum the other way. Now, in my case, whenever my xh was pleasant or chatty, I knew it was up to something, something that would really annoy me, i.e., like a teenager who goes out, drives the car and then scrapes the side of it and doesn't tell you. .
Oh how right you are Job. Between yourself, Dnj, peacetoday and others (not to de-value anyone’s input...I love you all!) ...he totally was up to something. After months of harassing me about selling the house (with nothing in place, no agreement or lawyers at the time), And after ignoring my lawyer for over a month, his lawyer has finally made first contact with mine and wants F disclosure in 2 weeks! Ha! There’s a fire again!!! This coming this morning after a day and a half of shark eye behaviour, me setting a boundary and then me having my H back for the last 2 days ~ I made dinner and offered some to him after he did a massive grocery shop for us both. He wouldn’t stop complimenting the dinner and even had dessert I baked. He was helpful, kind and almost looked ‘normal‘. Then right back down the rabbit hole.
A little sad today with too much reflecting on what ‘if’s’ and what’s next. So thankful for the foresight on so much of this. It makes me as calm as I can be when these things transpire. Thank you all. (((Hugs)))
Oh, Kindly, I’m sorry H has popped up with the speedy timeline again. It would seem the time at home has got him desperate to feel like he’s making “progress.” Just the business side, like the vets say. You’re already so strong and, yes, kind. You’ve got this even if sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. I can’t imagine not getting stuck in the what-ifs/what’s-nexts for a bit, because I’m there intermittently, but just bring yourself back to the wonderful brownies you made and enjoying the patio furniture. Let H speed up and find there’s nothing magical to make him happy there.
Aww thx Cardinal! I love your messages (heart). Isn’t it funny how nothing REALLY changes but these, let’s call them flare up’s of H’s, always seem to cause an emotional rumble in me (us). I’ve seen many postings, and it’s so true, we’re only human after all. Hmmm I like that song ...think I’ll go play it loudly! Although then he might pop out of his drug induced, video game playing, secret phone call taking rabbit hole...on second thought!! Haha! Hope you’re well Cardinal and yes brownies and my backyard are a beautiful joy right now. Hope you’re back to baking too! Xo
The other thing at play for me here is the confusing feelings of detaching but still obviously caring about this person and knowing that they are not “well” but don’t know it themselves.
For me I look at this as two separate items - detachment and indifference.
Detachment means you are not uncontrollably dragged around emotionally by H’s emotions, or behaviour. You have uncoupled your emotions from his inputs. Detachment also means you still feel.
Indifference is when your emotions towards H become muted. At this point, feelings do surge back and then fade again, each cycle getting less frequent and decreasing in amplitude. It takes a while to get used to having no feelings - it feels wrong. Completely counterintuitive to what one thinks they should feel.
The void left behind from those feelings will press, demanding to be filled. Nature abhors a vacuum. Temptations and other feelings will look and appear much larger than they really are, when against the backdrop of the indifference of the void. Stay the course, even that feelings will wither. After all, feelings change. Follow your beliefs.
Originally Posted by Kindly
I detach, I focus on myself, I repeatedly tell myself I’ve been fired and this is what he wants and that I’m not the cause of this...but even as it comes to the business side of things I feel my emotional mind attempting to take over. For example ~ I just recently made a big move to protect myself financially that I know is going to affect his “plan”...instead of being fine with my ‘business decision’, I’m worried that he is going to get himself into a financial mess by borrowing or doing something silly to get extra funds to facilitate his running behaviour.
Make your decisions based upon rational logical thoughts. Yes, one’s feelings do go against some “business” decisions - perfectly normal. Remember feelings change, let them. Do what you know is right, and allow your emotions to catch up. Have faith, they really do catch up.
Originally Posted by Kindly
How does one detach from the “he’s going to mess himself up bad worry”? We’ve worked so hard to get to where we are and I can’t believe how bad he’s jeopardizing us and HIMSELF. I’m struggling with putting these thoughts to rest. I know I must.
Realizing and worrying about the potential problems and mess that H may get himself into is the first step.
It’s not detaching from this worry, it is becoming indifferent towards it. That is accurate. And when things are seen accurately one can find their way easier.
I do hear you - “I’m struggling with putting these thoughts to rest. I know I must.” It’s not your thoughts that are at the base of this struggle. It’s your emotions.
Your thoughts are being influenced by your feelings. Use your thoughts to influence your feelings.
You made a business decision, using reason and thought. Your emotions are naturally pushing back. That influences your thoughts and induces worry; a nice little self feeding loop. Uncouple it, and let it wither.
Worry and doubts about your decisions will look and appear larger against the backdrop of the void of indifference as well. Mountain vs molehill.
You must protect yourself and have security. You are still the most important person in this equation. Yes, H most likely will make some major financial blunders; you don’t want to get wrapped up in that.
You control you, not H.
He is going to do what he is going to do. Your compassion allow him the freedom to do it - well accurately he’s going to do it regardless. Your compassion leads to indifference and the ability to forgive both him for his actions and yourself for not stepping in.
That, I think, is one of the hardest demonstrations of caring. Compassionate indifference.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
DnJ - thank you so much. You have such an amazing quality of digging deep into the subtleties of words. I’ve re-read this three times and often re read previous messages that are so full of valuable lessons and insights. Taking the time I need to focus on not just my thoughts but HOW I think has been so productive and positive for me. I am so grateful for all the support and wisdom (from all) and this time to stop and just be with myself....most of the time right now anyway.
Originally Posted by DnJ
The void left behind from those feelings will press, demanding to be filled. Nature abhors a vacuum. Temptations and other feelings will look and appear much larger than they really are, when against the backdrop of the indifference of the void. Stay the course, even that feelings will wither. After all, feelings change. Follow your beliefs.
I’m starting to trust myself again which is giving me my strength back
I love these next few ...I will re-read!
Originally Posted by DnJ
Make your decisions based upon rational logical thoughts. Yes, one’s feelings do go against some “business” decisions - perfectly normal. Remember feelings change, let them. Do what you know is right, and allow your emotions to catch up. Have faith, they really do catch up.
Originally Posted by DnJ
You made a business decision, using reason and thought. Your emotions are naturally pushing back. That influences your thoughts and induces worry; a nice little self feeding loop. Uncouple it, and let it wither.
Originally Posted by DnJ
That, I think, is one of the hardest demonstrations of caring. Compassionate indifference.DnJ
I love the days when I feel the compassionate detachment/ indifference. The longer this carry’s on I find validation for myself, in the “I’m not crazy or imagining this” sense, when I stop and put into perspective what he has ‘accomplished’ in such a short time. The list of opposite behaviour to his ‘old’ character is actually quite stunning/appalling...when I think about the lies he’s told family and that I assume he’s told friends I wonder what they think...how can they not see the change in him? How do close people in your life just turn away and bury their heads? I don’t expect anyone to solve our problems but not even a question? Seems so wrong to me....but such is life...and on we go.
Hi, Kindly. How are you doing? I’m glad you are finding strength in yourself. For me, it comes and goes.
Originally Posted by Kindly
how can they not see the change in him? How do close people in your life just turn away and bury their heads? I don’t expect anyone to solve our problems but not even a question? Seems so wrong to me....but such is life...and on we go.
Sometimes I ask these questions and doubt myself—maybe I’m exaggerating the changes. I would like to get to the point where I don’t doubt or question myself. I still dream about talking to MIL and getting some validation, but I know I really shouldn’t need it. As you say, on we go. No need to get stuck in the questions; I’ll just acknowledge them when they come.
The vaping is bothering me less, so I guess I’m making progress in indifference there! I hope you are well and finding moments of joy and contentment.
Hey Cardinal ~ had a bit of a slump towards the end of this week. His anxiousness to go makes me so nervous in this current global situation. He’s already taken from me my closest love, my companion, my best friend, he’s severely dented my self confidence, my health both mental and physical and now he’s threatening our financial situation as well as (our) my home and roof over my head. I am getting stronger and regaining control over myself every day, but it all still hurts. These feelings definitely come and go For me too.
I find myself at a loss for things to say when it comes to the total destruction in really 5 short months: Me and my family dropped, EA, possible PA, Reinventing history, excessive exercise, motorcycle purchase, change in clothes style, excessive money spent, excessive drinking, tattoo, lies, drug use = I KNOW I’M NOT CRAZY. I hate how I have to go over these facts though to remind myself that I’m not exaggerating or imagining things.
Journal ~ YOWZERS!! Something has changed. He is not only down the rabbit hole again, but seems to be angry and/brooding. I heard him on the phone with L yesterday so I assume he got some information he wasn’t counting on about the business. I’m not too sure what to expect once this starts to become a financial reality for him? I know there’s nothing I can do but let it play out but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little scared. I don’t know who he is when he’s like this.
I also don’t know if there’s a way I can make him see that making these big changes in the middle of a pandemic and economic downturn is not only irresponsible but unfair. Anything I do or say will come across as holding him back. Am I really stuck here letting this play out ....? Anyone got any strong advice for slowing a runaway train down? It’s not even about him and I and our relationship at this point it’s about living and not adding even more stress to an awfully stressful situation.
Kindly, I definitely hear you on all this. If it didn't hurt, we would be running and not processing, right? You/we hurt for all of these very valid reasons, and you are getting stronger every day.
I don't know what it's like to have that kind of pressure coming from your H, though I've had glimmers of it, when H seemed all set to move forward before Christmas. The anger and broodiness is real, and even when we are doing our best to focus on ourselves, well, it changes the temperature in the house, doesn't it?
It seems around here MLCers don't take the financial realities too well! Maybe hope for the best, prepare for the worst applies here. You have a L who will help you look out for you. I don't think you can make H see or understand the reality of what making these big changes will mean during a pandemic and economic downturn, but maybe the financial reality will give him pause, and maybe, even if he's only thinking about how it will affect him right now, he won’t be in such a hurry.
Reducing stress for you: one step at a time through this process. Plan as well as you can for yourself and maybe think of it as letting things play out without spending too much time worrying about all they ways they could potentially play out. One step before worrying about the next step. That said, I would be feeling all of the same things you’re feeling in your sitch. The financial stuff stresses me out big time. I think it was May who pointed out that so many people are facing the unknown right now in the face of this pandemic, and we’re not alone in wondering what the future will be like.
Bad day today for me ....just listening to him laugh and laugh and tell stories on the phone....
Here we go again...the full return of shark eyes. I left the house to drop something off at my sisters yesterday and today I just noticed 6 more boxes packed up out in the garage. I returned inside to see that he emptied all of the bedroom drawers of his cloths and part of his night stand where he rummaged through and mainly took notes and cards I’ve given him. WHAT THE? (Cardinal ...I think you’ve mentioned something similar)
ZERO legal stuff sorted out yet, although his L has finally made contact with mine, yet he continues to run fast forward “to get out of here”. This sounds so grade school...but I could over hear him today talking with a friend and laughing about “some girl” telling him he should write a book about his current situation. Oh ya...? And what do you plan on putting in that????? I know I should just ignore but I’ve been overcome with sadness and hurt today.
His exercise has ramped up again to insane levels...I can’t help but think I couldn’t get him off the couch before all this and of course he’ll blame my injury for us never doing anything just before BD. I get it ...in his eyes I’m the problem...just [censored] when I start to believe it and put stock in his words. Argh I was doing soooo well....I don’t know what changed...we’ll I do....me.
Just as I posted on Cardinal's thread, they tend to keep all of the notes, wrapping paper, ribbons, etc. that we give them. They are the ties to the past for him. He may not tell you he's keeping them, but I can guarantee that they will be put in a box and stored away for when he's alone and can bring them out to think of his past.
I honestly don't know where he thinks he's going during this health crisis, but he certainly is doing a lot of packing up. As for joking on the phone, etc., typical teen behavior. Like a teen who is going off into the big world, he's looking to the future, hoping that the stay at home orders will lift soon. Never mind, that once he's out there, the responsibilities will continue, i.e., working, bills to pay, shopping, laundry, cooking, etc. Right now, he's in a fantasy world and thinks the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Once he's gone, that euphoria high will be in full force for about 6 months and then reality will come crashing in.
Yep, your man has become a teen. Replay is starting to ramp up a bit more and he's going to have a difficult time keeping it in check...but that's where you will need to just step back, listen, validate and remember...his actions should speak louder than his words.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I remember those days of having a MLCer living under my roof. It's not easy, but you will need to dig deeper for patience and find a bit of humor... After all, do you honestly think he's going to remember which box he packed his favorite clothes? Pretty soon, he won't have anything to put on if he continues packing.
Take care and stay safe.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
