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A Message from Michele
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Re: We are moving forward on this journey together [Re: Cadet] #2869807
10/29/19 12:01 PM
10/29/19 12:01 PM
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 11
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darkhair Offline
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darkhair  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 11
And mine too.
Thank you so much JJ, Blu, Job, Cadet for beeing here and helping us.

Re: We are moving forward on this journey together [Re: joejoe1] #2881630
01/21/20 10:40 AM
01/21/20 10:40 AM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,099
San Antonio, Texas
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joejoe1 Offline OP
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joejoe1  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,099
San Antonio, Texas
Update time,

It has been over two years since my wife and I reconned. We are doing good. We communicate and talk things out a lot better now. She calls me all the time and tells me everything, I have become more patient, before BD her calling me so much would annoy me. Now, I take my time and listen. I won't say we don't have our spats, but they don't just tear up our relationship.

I still have my tiggering moments, but they are really rare.

Sometimes, I do go down a revengeful thought process, but I have found ways to bring me back into reality.

My wife and I have some really happy and fun moments. We are working hard to raise 4 confident, responsible, and loving boys.

There's no timeframe on healing, after two years there's still a lot of work to do.

Onward and Forward

Joejoe


M:36 W:36
T:11 M:10
S16, S12, S9, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Re: We are moving forward on this journey together [Re: joejoe1] #2887243
02/26/20 07:14 AM
02/26/20 07:14 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX
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Jefe Offline
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No one is ever wrong for staying and being part of the redemption of another human being.

Joe, keep moving forward. Keep discussing the feelings openly and honestly with each other. The triggers are horrible and take time to go away, but rarely completely. It just stops having control over you like it does now. She needs to be aware of the triggers and sympathetic to them. Brutal honesty has got to become the norm for you guys moving forward. You guys need to be safe places for each other to share and lay it all out there. Of course she has made peace with it all. The Betrayer always is relieved when the course truth is finally out there. Then the sense is “I feel great, so much better, why aren’t you over it yet?” Continuing to examine the fine particles of truth is where the real work begins. You guys should set aside a small amount of time every day, say 20-30 minutes, where you guys come together and discuss the affair and the trauma. She should be willing to answer any questions about it you may have (With-in some reason). She is going to have to work hard at the willingness to calming and lovingly share. It’s paramount to the healing process. No marathon sessions. 20 minutes. If you find yourself flooding, stop and continue tomorrow. You should find that eventually you wont need this anymore and it will start to decrease to once a week, then once a month, etc. Again, you must be safe spaces for each other. When she shares information, you can’t attack or she’ll never feel like she can open up again. Just thank her for sharing.

The being “In Love” with OM is common among wayward wives. New relationships release strong chemicals in our brains. Dopamine, Noradrenaline, among others that fool us into thinking we’re “in love”. Add that to a mess of bad choices and it can make one feel like this has to be the “right choice, I certainly can’t turn back now.” Once the Limerence wears off and the chemicals return to normal, reality begins to set in and hopefully we see the relationship for what it was, a distraction from the problems in our own lives and a attempt to self medicate.

I'm not completely caught up on your situation but I cannot stress enough that counseling for both you guys has got to be in the mix as well. You have to get to the root cause of her infidelity and address her brokenness as well or it is possible for it to happen again.

I made many mistakes in my reconciliation and it almost cost my marriage a second time.

Don’t force anything. Wherever you are at emotionally at any given moment, just be there. Set aside time for yourself daily to grieve, if that will help. Your old marriage is dead and gone. Things were taken from you. It’s ok to grieve that. You made it this far, however this is where the real work begins, but it is also a true demonstration of what real love is about. Extend as much grace as you can, then extend more. Set expectations and boundaries.
You got this.

Last edited by Jefe; 02/26/20 07:15 AM.

Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: We are moving forward on this journey together [Re: joejoe1] #2888814
03/10/20 06:36 PM
03/10/20 06:36 PM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,099
San Antonio, Texas
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joejoe1 Offline OP
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joejoe1  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,099
San Antonio, Texas
Jefe,

Thanks for the advise. My wife and I have been being very open with each other. We are becoming best friends. We talk about everything.

And my triggers have slowly started to go away. I still get a since of being vindictive every now and again. I chuck it up to my pride and focus on what matters.

She had worked to make me a priority in her life and I have done the same. I hasn't been easy. We do get into our spats and arguments every now and again, but what's great is we have learned how to recover from those events.

We still have a lot of work to do and four boys to raise. We have been working on getting our house updated, family trips and couple trips. I'm working a second job and can't wait to quit so I can spend more time with my boys and family.

Onward and Upward


M:36 W:36
T:11 M:10
S16, S12, S9, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Re: We are moving forward on this journey together [Re: joejoe1] #2891486
04/05/20 12:43 AM
04/05/20 12:43 AM
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 135
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Believe6 Offline
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Been trying to be inspired that my H who is in MLC will eventually wake up. I know our sitch is different, but seeing how you are confronting your issues with your W is inspiring. Leaning in to the pain we have experienced and also how we have failed in the marriage will help whether it works out or not. I am early days yet in my journey (BD 11/4/19 and figured out he is in MLC on 2/15/20 after he was trying and then decided to stop all together. Still in home, but no physical contact and only civil- roommate kind of contact ILYBNILY conversation multiple times. Don't talk about R at all).

As they say in MLC forum, this is a marathon and not a sprint. I think they say this here too. Either way, I know that even if I did ever got into a new relationship, which I can't see ever doing if this doesn't work, that all R's take work. And knowing now what can happen after 21+ years of marriage, then I would be working on it from the gate and not waiting until the H had MLC or I did.

Anyway, back to you... keep up the great work. Be kind to yourself and stay in touch with what you need and what she needs. We did Rvaille back in december 2019. It helped, but then we quit doing a lot of the daily work as he didn't want to and it all went to sh!t. So Now I am working on me and detaching... I think the big thing about detaching is getting to know and love yourself so you are coming into any relationship- whether with spouse or a new person- as a whole and complete and happy human being. That is what I am trying to do anyway. Blessings!


W (me): 50 H: 46
M: 21 T: 25
S:17 D:15
BD 11/2019

Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
Re: We are moving forward on this journey together [Re: joejoe1] #2904497
09/25/20 04:47 PM
09/25/20 04:47 PM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,099
San Antonio, Texas
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joejoe1 Offline OP
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Update Time,

Believe6---Sorry for missing your post. So much going on at the time.

It has been over 3 years since BD and almost 3 years since Recon. Time has went by fast.

My wife and I has way more respect for each other. We communicate inside that respect, which is great. We have disagreements, but now we listen and try to understand the otherside. I'm very stubborn and so is she, so sometimes it gets frustrating. But it's great to feel the respect. I have mostly lost the feeling of being afraid of her leaving or cheating. It lingers but dissipates fast. Her actions.........seems to show she is more in love with me that anytime in our Marriage. I only go off of actions now. .She has put in the work to make me feel secure in the M.

We are raising 4 boys so that's its on sector of the M. And we seem to understand that better. I'm so glad that I had 25 on here giving me advice beyond my M, but honing in on My faults with me and my fathering skills. My relationship with my boys have improved a lot and that has made my W really happy. My wife and I started to realize that's no such thing as a perfect mate/soul mate. It's all hard work, no matter who you are with.

I have to decide if I'm going to retire or PCS. My kids are finally settled and happy. They have been following me around for the last decade, so...................................we will see.

My wife has started her own business. Supporting her working through her dreams. That's about it.

We keep forging forward.


M:36 W:36
T:11 M:10
S16, S12, S9, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Re: We are moving forward on this journey together [Re: joejoe1] #2907090
10/29/20 08:00 PM
10/29/20 08:00 PM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,099
San Antonio, Texas
J
joejoe1 Offline OP
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Posts: 1,099
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Update,

Almost our three year recon anniversary. Halloween will be that day. Oddly!

My thoughts. Over the last month, I was having thoughts of being revengeful. I just had feelings of making her feel, the way I felt three years ago. I don't know why or where they were coming from, but I couldn't kick the feeling. I sat my wife down and we talked about it. It was a good talk and it helped. The feeling has started to subside some. I decided to put more effort into my W.

My W perspective: She listened and she gave her input, she says I can't leave her, and I already had my revenge, that's another story. I just looked at her, like really, get the hell out of here. She has really worked hard to make me feel comfortable with trusting her. (Oh, and I didn't say, I would never leave her, I won't ever say that again)

Our M: We are best friends. We talk about everything. We discuss every problem together. She's is truly the woman I wanted to marry.

My feelings/emotions: My feelings and our M are two different things and I know that I have to control my emotions. I have applied a lot that I have learned here and what I have learned from the many books I read and counselors I have seeked out.

I promise, that reconciliation doesn't get easier. It's hardwork. And everything I used to save my M, are the same things I need to work the keep my M and our relationship growing strong.

Do I think that My W and I will be together forever: I don't know, but I do know, that I won't tolerate certain things ever again and that's an awesome feeling. I do know, that I have the courage to fight for my M, with love while also detaching myself from my W actions and emotions. I do know that life is full of mountains and valleys and we can't predict when we are going to be in either one. Lastly, I also know that every person is entitled to their own choices and consequences. It's not up to a LBS spouse to take either the choice or the consequence away from the WS.

Stay strong LBS and keep moving forward.

Onward and Upward


M:36 W:36
T:11 M:10
S16, S12, S9, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Re: We are moving forward on this journey together [Re: joejoe1] #2909232
11/24/20 02:33 PM
11/24/20 02:33 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 7,887
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Steve85 Offline
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Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 7,887
Joejoe, great update. Interesting on the revenge feelings, and wanting to make her feel what you felt. I haven't experienced that. I've been heads down into working at our MR. I think for me that is the biggest learning that came out of my sitch, and it was too bad it took 19 years to learn, and that is you never stop working at your marriage.

In fact, I believe now that from your wedding day forward you are piecing! I think if we, as a society, took that notion then we would start working on our marriages from day one, and keep working on them until one of us passed away. But so many of us have the attitude that we can just relax and take it easy after marriage and stop trying, that we are leading up to a BD almost from the get-go!

I just heard on a podcast, someone I have a great deal of respect for, talking about this same exact thing. She was told by a wise old relative when she got married that divorce didn't exist for her. That even the word should never be uttered. That from her wedding day forward she was to fight for and work at her marriage to make it successful. Now decades later, after many ups and downs especially in her first 10 years of marriage, she and her husband have a wonderful, mutual rewarding marriage. Because they both work at it.

Great update joe. I'll be on the lookout now for the feeling of wanting her to feel what I did coming up on 3 years ago (kind of funny how similar the timing is for the two of us, as if we were preordained to be support for one another). Hopefully it passes quickly for you, and hopefully I never need to deal with it.

Keep posting, buddy! You are inspiration for the board!


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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