Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Joined: Dec 2018
Posts: 186
G
Gekko Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Dec 2018
Posts: 186


H: 52 W:40
M: 8 T:12
S(8) D(5)
BD: 10/18 (ILYBINILWY)
IHS: 1/19
W filed D: 4/19
Physical Separation 8/19
Joined: Dec 2018
Posts: 186
G
Gekko Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Dec 2018
Posts: 186
Well it's been 4 months and no response from W's L regarding the remaining settlement terms. I just instructed my L to file with the judge all the forms that summarize all my requests and he will serve them on W's L. Then we'll see what happens. My L says she is going to have to file papers too.

I am not going to mind-read as to why W is dragging her feet. But this has dragged on enough. I feel bad for my kids but I can do better than W and cannot envision a realistic scenario where I would ever take her back. I have felt this way for a long time. I don't miss her at all. I can't imagine living under the same roof with her. I'm not attracted to her because of her personality.

Life is really short. I feel great about where I'm at and where I'm going, i just want the D formalized so i can 100% move on. I also feel great about where I've been, even with the toxic W experience, believe it or not. Life overall has been really good, but it can and will be so much better. I'm just starting to realize how much the lingering D paperwork stuff is affecting me. I'm energized to finish what W started and give her what she wanted.

Wait, am I on the DB forum?! LOL, guess I'm not the poster child....but you know what? Moving on and meaning it can get some people the recon they seek.


H: 52 W:40
M: 8 T:12
S(8) D(5)
BD: 10/18 (ILYBINILWY)
IHS: 1/19
W filed D: 4/19
Physical Separation 8/19
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Gekko, good on you for taking control of things! Who knows why she's dragging things out, my XW did as well even though she didn't want to recon. I guess they want to cling to the Plan B safety net as long as possible.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,337
Likes: 16
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,337
Likes: 16
Originally Posted by Gekko
guess I'm not the poster child...
You did perfect...You controlled your interactions...can't control hers.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,559
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,559
Gekko ~ I always like seeing your updates. I consider you a DB success. You don’t sound angry or resentful or like you see things through grey colored lenses. You have a very balanced approach.

Sometimes going through this process involves a reckoning that the MR was not that great and we were holding on to something that wasn’t real, healthy or positive.

Joined: Dec 2018
Posts: 186
G
Gekko Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Dec 2018
Posts: 186
Journaling:

Well quite a bit has happened in the world since I last checked in. I hope everyone here is healthy, which is by far the most important thing to have.

My D sitch remains stalled, now due to the courts being shut down temporarily. I'm looking forward to getting the process done. I hope we can get the system back up and running next month. My W has not filed some documents and don't get what the hold-up has been. I'm not going to speculate, it doesn't matter, I'm done.

This virus has certainly put a damper on my dating life! My thoughts are on the health of my family and everyone else as we battle this thing collectively. That's my focus right now. Hopefully we will get back to some semblance of normality before too much longer.

My R with my kids has been getting stronger and deeper the past few months. It's always been good, but it has gone up another level. It feels incredible. I'm very lucky because they are amazing kids.

I wish I had more time to chime on others' sitches. Even with the virus my work has remained very busy. I am wishing for strength for everyone here who is hurting. We can all improve ourselves, we all need to work at one thing or another, so do the work. It will feel great. The better you feel about you the more you will realize that you are deserving of a great R, to be treated well, with love and respect, and giving the same. Don't let complacency keep you in a state where you don't improve yourself, and don't let fear motivate you to pine for a spouse who is treating you poorly.

Your value is not determined by your spouse. It's not determined by anyone but you. When you know you are a good person, and a good catch, and are always on the road to improving, doing the work, you set your own high value. That leads to an inner strength that you will feel and so will those around you. High self-worth and inner strength are two things that will help through your sitch and onward into an amazing future, even if you can't see it now.


H: 52 W:40
M: 8 T:12
S(8) D(5)
BD: 10/18 (ILYBINILWY)
IHS: 1/19
W filed D: 4/19
Physical Separation 8/19
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 203
Likes: 1
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 203
Likes: 1
hi Gekko, I am newer to the DB forum but over the last couple of days I have been running some stuff on the cloud and using the time in between to read all your threads. Congratulations, what a healthy way to face the bitter tasting dish that life has served you.

I see many points where your sitch and mine are similar and others were I want to improve. Please allow me to share them and maybe you can give me some tips on the weak ones!

Common positive points!
> I am 100% about becoming a better me and taking the relationship with my two children to a new level, I do not care about dating. Seriously, I could have Emma Watson coming onto me and I would have to tell her I am in a moment of my life where I am all into my children and personal improvement.
> The worst of this is the feeling in your heart that D will affect your children for their entire life, it kills me to miss part of their childhood, to expose them to swapping homes and to avoid talking to them about how I want things fixed in a new better R
> I had to move from a very nice new house in Germany to a simple older one in Spain, I used the new house as a mean of connecting with S6, made him choose decorations for his room and others. I will most likely need to sell a new flat we bought in Germany last year and I have a lot of personal pressure to avoid financial issues with this matter
> Sports is a big part of DB and GAL, weights and cardio avoid many void moments when dark thoughts are likely to come haunt me
> I listen and re-listen to self improvement material and I try to have high quality conversations with close friends
> I dont want a D but I will have my boundaries. My L and I have a passive attitude towards W, let her take the lead in starting D but once it happens I lead custody and financial elements.
> I dont want a friendship with W. Just a couple of days ago she told me I am punishing her for not being a nice friend. My reply was, look I will be there if you or the kids need me, but I cannot be your friend, I want you in my life but I do not need you, please respect it.

Were I am not there, could use your help!
> When you mention jealousy-wise you being a 2 out of 10. I am still a 6, it still freaks me out and I don't know why. I have let go of her, I have accepted we are no longer a couple and I am trying to make me happy aside of anything she does.
> A strong target for my improvement is also to validate and listen better. I haven't had the chance to talk to many women due to covid but I want to practice that over and over again for my better future
> I still have not analysed so deeply as you have the flaws on my W. I do not want to focus on them and I have been feeling guilty 100%, just were she wanted me. She has always had very low self-esteem and it has been a problem for the health of our relationship
> I have lately exposed myself to more of the same contempt, criticism and blame from W, I seem to be unable to do as you and say "look I have enough self love to not listen to that, goodbye". What thoughts helped you get there?

Apologies for the long message, did not want to interrupt your thread but rather hear a bit from how you did it to get there! Thanks for reading the message and I send you strength father to father smile

Last edited by Pack_19; 05/02/20 12:02 PM.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Me 29 W:29
M: 5yrs T:10yrs
S:6 yrs S:1 yr
BD: "I want a D" 08/09/19
Sep: 10/27/19
Joined: Dec 2018
Posts: 186
G
Gekko Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Dec 2018
Posts: 186
Gekko update:

I wish I could report some progress with the D but the court system is still shut down. I did sit down a few weeks ago and look over all the papers, just to refresh myself on things, and there are not really very many issues left to deal with. I am still thinking that I can get through this whole process without getting crushed with lawyer fees and still get pretty much what I want. Had some beers yesterday with a friend and we agreed that my D is about as uneventful as any either of us has ever known of, so I count myself lucky.

My interactions with W have been minimal with no school, no sports and no kids parties/events. I often don't see her during exchanging the kids and have not spoken with her on the phone for weeks. It's down to an occasional text about kid stuff. I like less contact with her, but can handle as much as necessary for the kids sake. My feelings have not wavered at all regarding a M with her - don't want it. She has some core behavior and personality traits that do not work for me.

Pack I will read your sitch and post over there soon. I will though give you some quick thoughts on your questions:

Jealousy - it's a natural thing. Even the dumper feels to a degree when they see the dumpee with someone else. As the dumpee, the more you want the R the higher you will be on the jealousy scale. I am probably not even at a 2 anymore, I would say I am close to Zero. That number can and will temporarily bounce when I see her with someone. How do you get your jealousy number down? GAL, improve yourself, realize your own worth, become more attractive and believe it and feel the attention, and analyze W's flaws and realize she may not be that great of catch and Mr. New Guy does not know what he is in for LOL.

Validation - you don't just practice on women and it's not just for women, it's to be done with everyone. Validate everyone. It can take awhile for it to become a habit, but it will if you practice. Once it become a habit, you will see how all your interactions and relationships will improve, and how you will be viewed as someone who "really gets it".

Analyze W's flaws - do it and do it deeply, and talk it out in IC. I'm not saying blame everything on her, I'm just saying understand her as totally as possible, including flaws. If you're going to recon, you need to understand how to deal with them. But you may not want to recon the more you evaluate her core issues. In any event, you will be better served. And it will help you in your next R, as you will be better at identifying traits that will not work for you.

Being disrespected and treated with contempt - never accept abuse. For me there is nothing I ever did to get to that mindset, I have always even as a kid refused to be dissed or condescended to etc. I just have strong boundaries that are always enforced. Enforcement is different depending on the situation. If your W is laying it on heavy, all you have to do is say something like "okay you are being really nasty and rude, and I'm just not going to listen to it. When you're ready to act calmly like an adult, we can talk about (whatever the issue is) then." And then just STFU. Hang up if you're on the phone or you can leave the room or the house if you have to. When you get better at it, you won't have to even leave the room - I only did if I was moving about the house doing tasks anyway - I just carried on doing whatever I wanted. Be prepared that W will probably not calm down and will rage on for a bit, but don't let that sway you to engage. Don't do it.

Hope all here are well, we will get back to a better sense of normalcy soon, hang in there and stay positive!!!


H: 52 W:40
M: 8 T:12
S(8) D(5)
BD: 10/18 (ILYBINILWY)
IHS: 1/19
W filed D: 4/19
Physical Separation 8/19
Joined: Dec 2018
Posts: 186
G
Gekko Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Dec 2018
Posts: 186
Gekko Update:

So the courts are slowing re-opening and L says we'll have a hearing date sometime in the Fall. No response from W to my proposal that was sent to her about 7 months ago I think. She thinks very highly of herself as a tough negotiator. There is nothing to "win" at this point, but I suspect she will try to find a way to score some sort of point in her favor to make herself feel better. Always been that way. I have never had a problem using the word "no". But we'll get to a deal. Not many issues left on the table.

Kids are doing just amazing given the back and forth 2 house thing. I can't imagine how that feels. It's really the only thing that is a lingering bummer about my sitch. I am closer than ever with them. We are more connected than we have ever been and I am a better dad now than before. I am feeling just great about my R with them. I can't lie and say that I don't get an occasional pang of being down because of the 2 house thing, just feeling bad for the kids. They didn't ask for this sitch. I don't dwell on it, but the sadness of it does hit me sometimes. I don't deny it or downplay it, I want to feel it, it's real. But it's short-lived, I power back up and get on with life, which is overall a very beautiful thing.


H: 52 W:40
M: 8 T:12
S(8) D(5)
BD: 10/18 (ILYBINILWY)
IHS: 1/19
W filed D: 4/19
Physical Separation 8/19
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8,026
Likes: 116
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8,026
Likes: 116
Gek,

Honestly I don’t think my kids even feel the two house thing anymore. It will be 2 years next month and our relationship couldn’t be better. We’ve bonded big time during COVID and they are both doing really good in school. I still do get a pang every now and then when they are gone for 4 days. I’m not gonna lie I at times really enjoy my alone time. In the beginning when it was just the three of us it seemed like something or someone was missing. It doesn’t anymore it feels normal. At times I miss the full family structure but it’s been so long since times were good I don’t even remember it anymore. Life is what you make of it and with all the crazy stuff going on in the world it’s pretty good right now.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard