Back from vacation and feeling like a mess. Wow this situation is tougher when you’re not feeling well...on antibiotics and feeling some major self pity amidst the head / throat pain. Feel like I can’t get a break.
I’m allowing myself to panic because I told H, after his not so nice email last week, that I would have a L name to him by end of this week. Obviously that appt was cancelled and I’m stupidly lying her letting his “speculated” response drive me nuts and cause feelings of fear. I believe truth is the only policy here and H will have to react how he reacts. I may get a chance to use a validation phrase ...perhaps “I’m sorry you feel this way” What about “I’m sorry it appears like I’m moving slower than you’d like”? I wrote the second one because I feel like it’s ‘wrong’ ... I’m assuming/projecting that’s how he feels....I’m trying to learn how to keep emotion and “fixing the way H thinks” out of my responses. Am I correct in my analysis?
I feel like I’m letting him sit in the drivers seat still running towards a S or D that I still don’t feel he’s done the proper work for ...disclosure wise ...never mind mentally lol! I know this will all become clearer once I meet with this last L, show her D’s papers and ask some better questions this time. I just feel so uneducated and lost in this process.
I also know I’m trying to fast forward (get rid of the suspense) of how this is going to play out....will I be able to keep the house? Do I want to keep the house? How will the finances work out? How will I know what decisions to make for me? How do I control the fear of the unknown? I’m trying so hard to just let things be and take one day, one hour at a time.
Feeling physically weak is not helping my mental state. Thanks for reading.
Sorry you’re feeling sick. There is lots going around.
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”, is just fine. You can add to the end, “I’m sick and couldn’t sort out the lawyer.”, if you want.
Originally Posted by Kindly
I may get a chance to use a validation phrase ...perhaps “I’m sorry you feel this way” What about “I’m sorry it appears like I’m moving slower than you’d like”? I wrote the second one because I feel like it’s ‘wrong’ ... I’m assuming/projecting that’s how he feels....I’m trying to learn how to keep emotion and “fixing the way H thinks” out of my responses. Am I correct in my analysis?
I understand how it feels wrong; such a short sentence. However, that is how you keep emotion and “fixing the way H thinks” out of your responses.
Your proposed response is assuming he feels that you are moving slower than you think he’d like you too.
I personally like the first, it’s short and simple. The real beauty part is it’s true. You are sorry for how he feels. And the other nice part, you actually don’t project or say what he is feeling - you just acknowledge and validate it.
One other little thing. “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Instead of “...feel this way”. Past tense vs present tense.
“This” is now and present and therefore more in need of discussing and defending on H’s part. Something present is alive and more moves towards the future.
“That” acknowledges directly what he said. It places it in the past; a small and unnoticed thing, yet it is less likely to be brought up since it is in the past. Also using “that” limits reinforcement of his emotions.
Originally Posted by Kindly
I also know I’m trying to fast forward (get rid of the suspense) of how this is going to play out....will I be able to keep the house? Do I want to keep the house? How will the finances work out? How will I know what decisions to make for me? How do I control the fear of the unknown? I’m trying so hard to just let things be and take one day, one hour at a time.
Oh boy, lots of questions aren’t there?
Don’t worry answers do come. A discussion with L will help with a lot of the unknown regarding possible and probably financial outcomes.
“How do I control the fear of the unknown?” You can control your thoughts and actions. These influence your feelings. Together they uncouple the fear from possible future events. Then the fear response has nothing to latch on to, no reinforcement, so it withers. You don’t control fear - you come at it sideways and influence it. I can expand more if you like.
Have a nice bowl of soup. And I hope you feel better soon.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Last edited by job; 02/29/2002:08 PM. Reason: added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
