After reading your post I want to share where I am now.
I’ve been separated for 2 years 4 1/2 months. Officially divorced almost 11 months.
Coming up on 2 1/2 years of living alone, sleeping in my king sized bed alone. I haven’t been kissed or hugged. I miss embracing. I miss a relationship. I do miss her.
I do not need her. I have no pains or withdrawal. I remain compassionately indifferent. I care and don’t all at the same time.
I’ve worked passed fear. I’ve altered, strengthened, and live my beliefs.
My divorce did provide financial security and protection. I didn’t push for it - I didn’t need too, she was running so very hard and fast.
From where I am now. Aside from financial, divorce hasn’t made a huge difference. My life is not defined by my divorce, nor my separation, nor my XW’s behaviour and cruelty.
Stand for you. We all start standing for our M. We are hurt and really cannot doing anything but that. Standing really starts when you are healed and can stand down. I am standing for me.
Strange living single, and alone. I’ve keep my vows. I believe in my word. My divorce has nothing to do with my beliefs, my character, or my honour. It is just a piece of paper, and I live much like I did before - just single now. I still have faith, hope, compassion, forgiveness, etc... perhaps more actually. No not perhaps, I do have more!
My life is peaceful, gentle, and forgiving. It has nothing to do with being divorced. As in there is no direct cause and effect.
I’m not sure I would go as far to say I’m not divorced in my heart. Indifference is a strange land. I don’t see myself remaining single for the remainder of my years, although I also do see that. I suppose it is more I have no timelines or deadlines I’ve imposed. I do have a hopeful future - just not sure what I am hoping for. That’s my curse, seeing possibilities.
For what it’s worth, prolong your divorce, it doesn’t make things better or worse - you do that. Find your beliefs. And follow them.
Am I standing because of my vow? I’ve never actually answered that. Standing for me, it’s something more.
Is it for God? My faith? I don’t know. But I believe.
No single thing defines a person’s stand.
I look to feedback to see if what I feel and think is right. I told a friend here, change you and the world changes with you.
I smile, am happy, and whole. People respond. The world responds, it smiles backs. Thoughts and feelings are in line with beliefs. I sleep soundly, no nightmares. I have plenty of feedback and examples of living in line with my values.
Grace, something just felt like I should share. Take from this what you will and discard what doesn’t fit.
You have questions. Answers are coming. Have faith.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you for this. It really spoke to me, and echos much of what I have been thinking and feeling, and helps me to validate my choices. I will read it many times over.
I too believe that at this point in time, D will make no difference in who I am, what I believe in, or change my future. My future is my own, and D or not, I truly believe it will be spectacular.
So, today I will speak with my attorney, take care of helping my D20 get appointments with new therapists, take care of my patients, and get on with my wonderful life.
OwnIt - Thanks for the link. I read only the first post last night, and that helped also. I will spend more time this week reading it carefully. Just what I needed now.
Grace, I wonder if it might also help to stop viewing this as MLC-related, giving him passes, etc. Just look for the guy standing in front of you ready to offer you something that you want (and not just talk about offering it to you and some undisclosed event in the future that you have no ability to bring about). Until then, it just doesn't matter about all the chaos and the words. Be strong and move forward to protect yourself.
What you said gives me another perspective, and I can see how this is freeing. I tIhink in my mind I am giving passes, allowing H's excuses for bad decisions and treatment of me, our family, and our vows to sort of give him a pass. But, no matter my feelings clouding things, they are not getting in the way of my actions. Yesterday I sent the list to my attorney of what I want in a post-nup. It was extensive, and mostly what we agreed to for a divorce. I asked if she can have a draft in a week or no longer than 2. I am protecting myself, and in some ways when the document is done, it will be freeing I believe.
Yesterday I asked H about a change of address I got in the mail for S22's bank account. It was set up before he went to college and H's name is attached to it. The address was changed to his condo. He also changed another account, so I guess all the ones with his name on it was changed automatically (maybe). I asked him about it. He lashed out (via text) and suggested I was accusing him of something. I asked what on earth I could be accusing him of? It was just a question about it. He said he was sorry, that he was under a lot of stress (he now has a health issue he is dealing with) I said I was worry he was stressed, but that he shouldn't take it out on me, that I don't deserve it. And that it was BS that he did. He apologized again. But, I won't tolerate any of his nonsense. I am definately much stronger in this department than I ever was.
I briefly thought if he was serious about extricating himself from his current living situation, it was odd he changed a bank address to it. I almost called him out on it, but let it go. Useless to bring it up. I will take my appropriate actions for me. He will take action or won't.
I am looking forward to presenting H with the post-nup for review.
So understandable Grace. I read once to think of it as him sitting on a park bench and figuring himself out. For a while, while I was messed up in the head, that worked. Only guess what, he's effing some other woman, acting like her sugar daddy, and pretending to be a family with her and her kids (who already have a dad in their lives, while mine have none). Of course it is nicer to think it is beyond their control and something they can't change. But they can. They make choices.
Mine gets up and goes to work and keeps getting raises. He must be able to do something. After taking (and then backing out of) a job three hours away, he had an elderly family member buy a house in OW2's front yard and moved her into it. Certainly looks like he has made a permanent decision to set up a life there. So why won't he divorce me? I don't see any further evidence of fog. I see a guy getting in touch with his feelings and finding a little empathy for his son (probably the only amount he ever had). Not any for me, even to set me free. It just doesn't matter, does it? And very likely it has nothing to do with me whatsoever. I see your guy as very similar to mine. Yours just utters sweet nothings while he goes about it.
Yours responded about the bank the way he did because of that ticky tacky sense of being caught. Nothing to do with MLC. Just good old fashioned guilt. He is telling you sweet things to keep you holding on while he walks more firmly in the other direction. Is that the end of the world? That is for you to decide. But it is not honest, it is not finding his way back to you, and it is absolutely intentional. Even if a third party put him up to it, what does it say that he would rather cause you pain than her?
Nothing has to be decided forever, just keep taking care of yourself today. Keep your eyes open (and your heart too if you want), but do it with intention, as he is.
Well folks, that sounds like I'm a mess. But I assure you, I am not. But my mind is still working things out. It's a long, but necessary, process. I guess as long as I have these questions, status quo is the way to go. For now.
I had a good weekend with friends and D20. Happy hour Friday night, lots of gardening and other projects Saturday. A four mile walk with D20 this morning. We saw water birds, 2 different types of woodpeckers, a Red Tailed Hawk, and lots of little flowering plants almost hidden here and there. Treasures to D20 and me. I love all those almost unnoticed things. We stopped for coffee and a bite to eat. Good conversation. More projects at home, then a bike ride with a friend. The weather is glorious. Great weekend.
Another week on tap.
The days fly by.
Days full of rewarding work, connections with friends and family, activities I enjoy, and projects that are satisfying to complete.
Well folks, that sounds like I'm a mess. But I assure you, I am not. But my mind is still working things out. It's a long, but necessary, process. I guess as long as I have these questions, status quo is the way to go. For now.
Grace, I quietly follow your sitch. We started posting around the same time.
I'm in a very different place, being officially D and NC (peacefully) with my X. But our emotions - yours and mine - are so in line. I am peaceful and okay with not having my Former with me. I also am open with myself in that sometimes I want her back. Or I wonder what it would be like if that were an option. I live my life boldly and fully and with joy in every day, as you do. And I accept that I have questions still about where my emotions land, even as my actions lead me in a direction that is the opposite of where I was.
I guess I just wanted so say a brief hello, and acknowledge your peaceful way forward as something I admire and respect. Thank you for being so open in welcoming the questions as they come to you, and letting them swirl around your mind. And yet, you don't push for answers. I love that.
Yail - I appreciate you dropping by, and for the kind words. I'm glad my words resonate with you. Questions are definately constantly swirling around in my mind. I suspect one day I will wake up and realize that for the most part they have stopped, and I won't even know exactly when they did.
Grace, the questions are going to keep coming and circling around and around. And what you want will change again and again. When you don't have a definite idea that persists with what you want to do, then best not to do anything.
That’s my curse, seeing possibilities.