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Good Morning scout

Don’t sweat the small stuff.

The half an hour late is aggravating, and not to the agreement. I get that.

Originally Posted by scout12
This has been an issue for the past nine months and I am tired of it. This person does not and will not respect anything except tangible consequences. I AM FED UP.

You know STBXH is irresponsible, flaky, Swiss cheese memory, and purposely provoking you. He knows your buttons to press. Do not reinforce his poor behaviour. The more you show your displeasure and push back the more he will act out. What in his recent behaviour would lead you to think otherwise?

Expectations are tricky. You are both expecting him to be on time and late. You will be resentful no matter what.

Is S2 being dropped off in healthy, happy, and in clean condition? Did STBXH ever get a diaper bag, bottles, etc...? Did he step up a bit?

Boundaries regarding S2’s welfare you should enforce. However, sometimes it can be chalked up to differences in parenting style. I do admit I am looking a bit forward here, like what Dad feeds son is different than what you want him to feed son. As long as S is feed, happy, clean, and safe, don’t sweat the small stuff.

You know you cannot count on H right now. You can only control you. If you need S2 back at a certain time, make other arrangements. Never let H know he is getting to you. He might tire of this game of his without your reactions. He may not, but it’s worth a shot. It also is good for you. You don’t need the stress.

How about:

Me: Hi. Did you guys have a good time?

STBXH: uh, yes. (wondering why you aren’t jumping on him for being late)

Me: S2 certainly looks like he had a good time. Thank you for changing his diaper. (or whatever else may have been done - sometimes one has to look pretty hard for positive behaviours to reinforce)

Me: What did you guys do?

I suspect there (eventually) would be some banter back and forth regarding S2’s actives. Be cordial.

Me: See you next <scheduled time>. Good bye.

STBXH: Bye.


With a few interactions like that perhaps you can modify things for the better. Remember STBXH is like a rebellious teenager, and something that doesn’t get a response, and they usually want an immediate response, will be dropped pretty quick.

There is a goof in my building who would turn up the radio in my office and then wait by the door for me to get upset like all the other people he does it too. (The radio is piped throughout the building and the volume controls are in a separate room). I never took the bait. I’d keep working while he waited and peeked. In minutes he’d burst into my office admitting he turn up the radio and commenting on how loud it is. He needed his feedback. I gave nothing. Three times and he stopped. He hasn’t touched my radio volume in a long time, other’s he still cranks up. There was just no fun in it with me.

You cannot control STBXH, but you can certainly take the wind out of sails.

Don’t sweat the small stuff.

DnJ


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scout12 Offline OP
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Thanks DnJ.

I respectfully disagree with the notion that pointing out there was a scheduled dropoff time is 'jumping on him'.

I certainly do not let STBXH know that I am fed up. I'm a grey rock, as much as possible, during interactions. Bland, boring, no sharp edges. I do not react. I do not encourage or invite this behaviour. He does it, I put up with it, and so it goes. Hence the frustration, which I vent here, to my parents, or to my friends.

I don't ask questions about his parenting time because it's none of my business. There is no chat or banter because I am not interested in conversation with the man who continues to abuse me. I take S2's bag when he hands it over (no, he hasn't provided one of his own) and then I welcome S2 into the house. That is the extent of my interaction with him.

I have to have my neighbours attend changeovers because I am afraid of this man. Soothing his ego and praising him for doing the bare minimum as a parent in order to 'modify' our interactions comes pretty close to victim-blaming in my book. As in, if I don't do it, I am complicit in my own abuse.

My only interest now is self-protection and the protection of S2.


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Hello scout

Originally Posted by scout12
I respectfully disagree with the notion that pointing out there was a scheduled dropoff time is 'jumping on him'.

I agree with you, pointing out there was a scheduled drop off time is not ‘jumping on him’. But you and I are sane and emotional stable - he might feel different.

Sorry for the mix up.

DnJ


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Sorry if my response was a little curt. I’ve been in a mental tailspin trying to stay on top of the legal stuff this past week. The lateness is a small issue, but in a sense, it’s a microcosm of the bigger picture. I’ll try to explain.

Why does it bother me? Because he just assumes that I’ll bend my schedule around his. Why does that bother me? Because it shows he still feels entitled to favours from me. Why does that bother me? Because I do feel an immediate discomfort in not accommodating him. Why do I feel that way? Because I don’t feel comfortable saying no. Why not? Because I tie people’s approval of me to my self-worth. Why? Because my husband made me feel unreasonable for having any expectations of him. Because my pain was mocked and dismissed by my swimming coach when I was a teen. Because my father was emotionally unavailable and physically distant when I was a child. It boils down to a terrible fear of asserting my needs and sharing my emotions.

The legal stuff feels overwhelming right now. As much as I try to remind myself this is a process, and to only deal with the issue in front of me at any moment, my emotions are preventing me from seeing the forest for the trees.

There have been emails back and forth with my L to draft a letter which restates my parenting plan proposal. I keep trying to downplay and placate STBXH with the wording of the letter, and I think my L is getting annoyed with me requesting changes. Probably not true, but I feel so shattered and raw that my thinking immediately assumes the worst. I’m so terrified of a custody battle that I feel like I have to play nice to stop him from retaliating if he senses he is going to lose.

STBXH responded to my L himself. So either he doesn’t have his own L as suspected, or he is getting legal advice but choosing to communicate himself. He informed my L that I am still a joint name on his car loan. He had told me months ago that this loan had been refinanced to remove my name. He has requested a 12 month timeframe to refinance with a clause that I am indemnified in the meantime’s first he defaults. My L wants to respond with a reduced timeframe of 14 days. Again, I’m afraid of retaliation if I assert myself.

I just feel like a snail without a shell right now.


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Scout, this is all a bit much and you have been such a trooper. It is natural to have these moments and to feel overwhelmed. I'm much older and my kids are older, I have been dealing with this a very long time, and I am very familiar with the legal system and at times I feel overwhelmed by it.

Couple of things that stand out to me.

1. Find a lawyer you trust and then let them do their job. Do not keep changing what your lawyer suggests to placate a man who most assuredly is not thinking about yours or S2's best interest. Try not to micromanage. It will drive you crazy and drive up your costs. Tell him your goal and let him do his job.

2. It may have been your past to have bad experiences with men and authority figures, but it doesn't have to be your future. Use this moment to stand up for yourself and stop worrying about who is watching or what they are thinking. You matter. Your view of yourself matters.

3. You aren't going to nice him into anything. Set clear boundaries and stick to them. That is not mean or argumentative. Don't assume by giving him what he wants he won't retaliate. All he will do is take advantage until you are sick of it, and then he may. Firm boundaries will teach him how to treat you and how to behave.

4. Don't get lulled by him having a lawyer or not having one. It could change at any time. Because he has been abusive, leave it to your lawyer to deal with him.

5. It's very easy to refinance even a car these days. Go with your lawyer's recommendation to free up your credit. Indemnification won't help with that and it is just something else to fight over if there is a problem.

6. If you are waiting with S2 and he doesn't show, then leave after 10 minutes if he hasn't notified you of something unforeseen (take a video on your phone to preserve the day and time). If you are waiting for him with S2, document, document and let your lawyer deal with it.

It's totally normal to feel raw and vulnerable. But it absolutely will pass. There will be as many or more good things in you and your relationship with S2 as there are bad ones that come out of this.

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Hi Scout,

I feel so much for you, around how unfair and wrong it is that this total a-hole gets to act like this AND gets to take time away from you and S2. Yes, yes, yes, your child needs a strong relationship with his father. Yet. I 100% understand where you are coming from and it is the one place where the rage really hits me when I think about my sitch and the possibility that the end will mean I wake up to an empty house half of my days, no warm snuggly mornings.

My only thought for you is to focus on the long game-- getting the best deal for you and S2 out of this as possible. Document his every time being late or blowing off a weekend because he has something better to do. S2 comes home with a full diaper? Record it. I do want to agree with DnJ on this one... there is just zero point to telling him he's late (unless your L says you need to have mentioned it). He's not going to change. He may even be doing it on purpose to get a rise out of you. There is just no value to pouring any energy down that hole. So what if he thinks he's getting one over on you? Let him. It doesn't hurt you or mean a thing about who you are or how you'll interact in future Rs-- in fact, the work you've already done in acknowledging why this bothers you will be enormously beneficial to you in any and all relationships far into the future. You're getting this out of it while he's just being smug and stupid and shooting himself in the foot by demonstrating with his actions his poor parenting.

You aren't a snail without a shell. You are the f-ing shell and your son is inside. You can take whatever $hit he tries to throw at you because you are protecting your child and doing the right thing for him, even if it means not reacting now, or being nicer in the tone of the letter (I might have a slightly different take on this from OwnIt-- while I 100% agree that assuming you have an L you can trust you should go with their recommendations, on this one I would go with your gut. You know your H and if a little sugar here helps, especially since he doesn't have his own attorney to tell him any differently, it could make a big difference. And don't worry about annoying your L as long as you're willing to pay).

All to say I obviously haven't been through any of this myself and I live in another country. It is like me trying to perform first aid because I watched a lot of Grey's Anatomy. Obviously listen to your L and the vets who have been through this... but I just wanted to give you my POV on this. Remember-- you're the shell. A steel-reinforced one at that.


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I agree with Own It, let your lawyer handle it. 14 days to refinance the car sounds fine. Make him get it done while he still has a job!

Quote
Why does it bother me? Because he just assumes that I’ll bend my schedule around his. Why does that bother me? Because it shows he still feels entitled to favours from me. Why does that bother me? Because I do feel an immediate discomfort in not accommodating him. Why do I feel that way? Because I don’t feel comfortable saying no. Why not? Because I tie people’s approval of me to my self-worth. Why? Because my husband made me feel unreasonable for having any expectations of him. Because my pain was mocked and dismissed by my swimming coach when I was a teen. Because my father was emotionally unavailable and physically distant when I was a child. It boils down to a terrible fear of asserting my needs and sharing my emotions.


You got it, girlfriend! And it’s time to start standing up for that teenage girl. Defend her!

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Hello scout

Thank you for sharing. Things do sound stressful with H’s behaviour and all the legal stuff. There is a lot happening. (((scout)))

I do recognize and empathize with your fears about retaliation. To be overwhelmed with all this. It’s normal, and quite temporary, it will flit away - in time.

I am willing to share my experiences, and discuss anything you’d like.

And I agree with the posts from the wise gals; they have given really good advice.

You are doing well my dear.

You have value and worth, don’t ever tell yourself different!

DnJ


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Hey Scout

I'm sorry about all this mess you're in at the moment. I really am. It [censored] doesn't it. You're a strong woman though - I'd argue one of the strongest on this forum, and that's not taking away anything whatsoever from any of the other ladies here on the forum.

By the way, you've had some fantastic advice from a couple of the ladies here.

Can I be blunt and say that until you get your L to write a letter about changeover and what you will do if he's late, it will likely continue happening and you'll keep getting frustrated over and over. He's playing you with this. Your second paragraph describing your reasons for getting peeved hit home for me, as I share this type of mindset in almost mirror image, and its so, so tough to break isn't it. I'm wondering if there's a female equivalent of no more mr nice guy you could read.

I get it about editing your lawyers letters. Just remember the fees are clocking over each time that happens. Let your lawyer handle it but get drafts for approval first before they go out.

If its becoming overwhelming, put a brake on things for the next few days or weeks, unless your L says its urgent. You drive the pace and momentum, not XH. It really sounds like you need to just pause, breathe, and regather your strength.

Indemnifying you means nothing, unless it's in an Order, and even then, the lender won't care if the XH defaults. 2 weeks to refinance sounds good - maybe 28 days even. Failing which, the car is sold and proceeds to the lender, with any outstanding amount to be settled by him within a short timeframe - no loose ends he can manipulate ok. It's disquieting that he was untruthful about refinancing. Ask your L for advice about whether you should contact the lender direct to advise of separation and ensure they have his address for billing purposes.

Think deeply about whether XH has the capacity, commitment and intent to commence Court over your S. From what you've told us, he sounds like a paper tiger who is calling your bluff. Push the fear of this to the side in your mind - I used to visualise a huge hand, pushing all the crap to the side, away and behind me.

What is the retaliation you fear? I had fear of retaliation too - bigtime. I actually had the biggest fear of just upsetting my XW. I realised a lot of it was bravado. I think your XH is the same.

Sounds like you've got a good lawyer whose got your back. Your friends on the forum have got your back too Scout. Is seeking an urgent IC appointment an option for you?

Keep us posted with how you're doing and feeling. Definitely speak to your lawyer about pausing to settle things within yourself. You're no good as a client if you cant make the best decisions for you and your son. He's relying on you to be in the best possible state to make the best possible decision.

Chin up Scout - you got this. Tap deeper into those reserves of courage, strength and resolve we all know you have. You may feel like you're on the last smelly vapours of your reserve tank, but there's always a little bit left.

Cheers, DS

Last edited by DS9; 02/19/20 04:24 AM.

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Oh dear. The L sent off the custody letter this morning and received the below message in response immediately. She notified me and advised me to be vigilant in my interactions with STBXH as he is obviously highly emotive.

Quote
Seriously? Not allowing him to stay at my place but at my parents or sisters. Shame on you. You are a terrible person. I hope you never have a situation where you are put in mine. I will reply in good time.


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