Hi, I am new here. Unsure what to do. Hsuband works overseas. 1st BD Xmas 2018, started EA with a 29 yr old colleague which then became a PA in Jan 2019. I also found out had been sleepinh with our nanny when she worked for us and again during Xmas 2018 when she came to stay for 2 weeks. He has had numerous liasons with people and an affair in 2007. We have been trying to fix things this last year. We did a little EFT counselling in April 2019. He bailed as felt "ganged up" on. OW went to another country for 6 months and returned to their mutual country (Australia) in Nov 2019. He has resumed things with her but adamantly refusing to admit it and says just friends. We had been getting on really well until Nov last year. Xmas he came home with no Wedding band on and said it felt more honest! I took mine off too. I asked him to go to spare room as couldn't handle rejection. He is now saying we separated Jan last year. He says he just views me as best friend. Also says no longer attracted to me. Yet throughout last year we were trying. He said today that he thought it had got too far to try and that there is nothing left past good friends. We IM all through the day. He used to call every day but is now sporadic in his calls. When he is on jobs away from OW he still calls a few times a day. I have done a lot of work on myself. I quit drinking 10 months ago, had back surgery and have now lost 55lbs and back to pre pregnancy weight. Started meditating and yoga, started an online certificate and my own business. Where do I go from here?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hi, I am new here. Unsure what to do. Hsuband works overseas. 1st BD Xmas 2018, started EA with a 29 yr old colleague which then became a PA in Jan 2019. I also found out had been sleepinh with our nanny when she worked for us and again during Xmas 2018 when she came to stay for 2 weeks. He has had numerous liasons with people and an affair in 2007. We have been trying to fix things this last year. We did a little EFT counselling in April 2019. He bailed as felt "ganged up" on. OW went to another country for 6 months and returned to their mutual country (Australia) in Nov 2019. He has resumed things with her but adamantly refusing to admit it and says just friends. We had been getting on really well until Nov last year. Xmas he came home with no Wedding band on and said it felt more honest! I took mine off too. I asked him to go to spare room as couldn't handle rejection. He is now saying we separated Jan last year. He says he just views me as best friend. Also says no longer attracted to me. Yet throughout last year we were trying. He said today that he thought it had got too far to try and that there is nothing left past good friends. We IM all through the day. He used to call every day but is now sporadic in his calls. When he is on jobs away from OW he still calls a few times a day. I have done a lot of work on myself. I quit drinking 10 months ago, had back surgery and have now lost 55lbs and back to pre pregnancy weight. Started meditating and yoga, started an online certificate and my own business. Where do I go from here?
Hi Boo, sorry you are here.
I do have a question for you. So your intent is to try to save things with a serial philanderer?
Can you tell us a little more? How long together? How long married? How many kids and what ages? You mention stopping drinking, is there a history of alcoholism? Any other substance abuse? How long is H gone on these overseas work assignments?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Sounds like your H is a serial cheater. I'm sorry to say there isn't much hope he will change. It's also likely that there were many more encounters than those you are aware of. Cheaters will gaslight the heck out of their spouses, they will tell a little bit of truth to cover a lot of lies. If he admits to kissing someone else then there was probably sex. If he says they had sex "only once" then it was probably 10 times. If he admits to one affair there were probably a dozen. One question you have to ask yourself is to you want to reconcile with someone who will continue to cheat on you? If you do then that is fine as long as you know what you are up against. He may be addicted to risk too. I mean having sex with the nanny? Very high risk of being caught, which apparently he was. That love for risky situations likely involves unprotected sex with some questionable partners too, so consider the ramifications of that.
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We have been trying to fix things this last year. We did a little EFT counselling in April 2019. He bailed as felt "ganged up" on.
Just to be clear, YOU have been trying to fix things. HE has not. You need to quit trying. Give him time and space. Work on yourself and leave him be. With time he may realize what he has lost, and if he does then you can decide what to do at that time. My guess is that by the time he realizes he screwed up you will have moved on and realized how toxic things were, and you won't want him back. Have seen it happen a lot.
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He has resumed things with her but adamantly refusing to admit it and says just friends.
Classic gaslighting.
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I asked him to go to spare room as couldn't handle rejection.
Good.
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He is now saying we separated Jan last year.
Consult a lawyer. He may be saying that to expedite the divorce process, or to get out of alimony or for any number of nefarious reasons. Talk to a lawyer and be prepared. You need to protect yourself and now is the time to start.
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He says he just views me as best friend. Also says no longer attracted to me. Yet throughout last year we were trying. He said today that he thought it had got too far to try and that there is nothing left past good friends.
Next time he says this tell him you are not his best friend and never will be. This is nothing more than cake-eating.
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We IM all through the day.
Stop being his "buddy". He will never learn to miss you as long as you let it continue. You've got to take a "tough love" approach with a cheater.
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I have done a lot of work on myself. I quit drinking 10 months ago, had back surgery and have now lost 55lbs and back to pre pregnancy weight. Started meditating and yoga, started an online certificate and my own business. Where do I go from here?
Perfect, do more of that! Get out and GAL. Take the focus off of him and put it on you.
Hi all, It wasn't sure how long initial post could be. Here are more details: Me:44 H:39 (40 in a couple of months) 2 x daughters 11 and 9 Together since 2003 Married 2005
Both Brits who moved from UK to New Zealand 12 years ago. No family here. I am a SAHM.
It's been a hard marriage for both of us: miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies (followed by depression for me). He left the RAF after 15 years service and I was completing a BA hons degree when going through all that. Then, we then had first child 11 months after emigrating (not planned!)
He has been gradually working away for longer and longer stints culiminating in one three month stint before Xmas 2018 and then again last Xmas. There are never any set dates when he is back etc. Contact with kids is sporadic. They have basically had enough of him and rightly feel that he is always letting them down. It is just me and the girls and that is also hard to deal with as they are very astute.
He has just set up a new company in Aus. We both own the company that he is currently working for. For now the vast bulk of his income comes into our joint business account. He has no accommodation in Aus. His field is very specialised and requires him to travel between wind farms across Australia where he will spend variablespells as well as other countries.
Re my drinking: The strain had become too much. I have always drunk more than I should but it had got to a bad point and I finally packed it in 1st May. He earns a lot of money but we are in hideous and desperate financial strife due to poor money management and him spending a lot on functioning over there and living in 4 star hotels!
I was in IC until July last year when I had spinal surgery. Returned Jan this year and seeing her once a week.
He has said that he has been doing a lot of introspection and understands what a complete dick he has and is still being. He needs to understand how to deal with it and fix it before he can even look at returning to the marriage again. He says this and then says stuff like he is worried that what is left of marriage is not what we would want: walking on eggshells, mistrust, endless counselling etc. That it is hard for him to move out of the place that we currenlty are (best friends apparently),
He was home for 4 weeks at Xmas and I think I broke eveyr DB rule there is. I also told him 2 weeks ago that I had enough of his disrespect and wanted instigate legal separation (In NZ you need to be separated for two years before you can divorce and the law is 50/50). If we go by his date I would not be entitiled to anything from new business he set up June last year. If we go by my reckoning I am entitled to half.
He has been away for 4 weeks and not back for another two.... No idea how to proceed. I got flowers on valentines and card saying: '"despite everything we are going through, I really do love you :-) xx"
Yesterday I got really upset as we are in very bad financial place, he has not mentioned at all when coming back to NZ nor spoken to his kids in days yet messages me throughout the day! I said that we had to try and work out what we were doing as this was unfair on the kids as well as us.
Haven't read books yet as have to wait for delivery.... but at really delicate stage.
I still love him and when we are together and also on IM we get on ridculously well. I am under no illusions as to what he is. Narcisisstic, Passive agressive and Dismissive Avoidant.
Sounds like your H is a serial cheater. I'm sorry to say there isn't much hope he will change. It's also likely that there were many more encounters than those you are aware of. Cheaters will gaslight the heck out of their spouses, they will tell a little bit of truth to cover a lot of lies. If he admits to kissing someone else then there was probably sex. If he says they had sex "only once" then it was probably 10 times. If he admits to one affair there were probably a dozen. One question you have to ask yourself is to you want to reconcile with someone who will continue to cheat on you? If you do then that is fine as long as you know what you are up against. He may be addicted to risk too. I mean having sex with the nanny? Very high risk of being caught, which apparently he was. That love for risky situations likely involves unprotected sex with some questionable partners too, so consider the ramifications of that.
This is so on the money. He initially went to counselling last year as he feels/felt he has a sex addiction. He has said he is going to go back to same counsellor when back in NZ....
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We have been trying to fix things this last year. We did a little EFT counselling in April 2019. He bailed as felt "ganged up" on.
Just to be clear, YOU have been trying to fix things. HE has not. You need to quit trying. Give him time and space. Work on yourself and leave him be. With time he may realize what he has lost, and if he does then you can decide what to do at that time. My guess is that by the time he realizes he screwed up you will have moved on and realized how toxic things were, and you won't want him back. Have seen it happen a lot.
You are absolutely correct. I said exactly that too. He complained that he had only the Xmas period to decide what he was going to do after I gave him an ultimatum. I laughed and said that he had already squandered a year whereas I had chosen to use mine wisely.
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He has resumed things with her but adamantly refusing to admit it and says just friends.
Classic gaslighting. He is a master at this. I am now just treating the whole OW as a given. I even anticipated that he would return to the city she lives in (and conveniently is where new business is based) for V day. He was not amused. I wasn't accusatory I just said that I assumed he would be heading back there for v day. I will not engage in arguments of rows or any derogatory behaviours.
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I asked him to go to spare room as couldn't handle rejection.
Good. Thank you. I think I managed to do something right!
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He is now saying we separated Jan last year.
Consult a lawyer. He may be saying that to expedite the divorce process, or to get out of alimony or for any number of nefarious reasons. Talk to a lawyer and be prepared. You need to protect yourself and now is the time to start.
Thank you. I spoke to a lawyer. I am in a precarious situation!
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He says he just views me as best friend. Also says no longer attracted to me. Yet throughout last year we were trying. He said today that he thought it had got too far to try and that there is nothing left past good friends.
Next time he says this tell him you are not his best friend and never will be. This is nothing more than cake-eating.
It is hard though as all the books etc tell us both that friendship is basis for relationship. He has been listening to relationship books (anatomy of an affair by Dave Calder), Brene brown talks etc on our joint audible account. He has been watching a lot of stuff on Dismissive Avoidant behviour too.
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We IM all through the day.
Stop being his "buddy". He will never learn to miss you as long as you let it continue. You've got to take a "tough love" approach with a cheater.
I need to know how to navigate this especially given the distance and time differences involved. Can be up to 5 hrs difference sometimes.
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I have done a lot of work on myself. I quit drinking 10 months ago, had back surgery and have now lost 55lbs and back to pre pregnancy weight. Started meditating and yoga, started an online certificate and my own business. Where do I go from here?
Perfect, do more of that! Get out and GAL. Take the focus off of him and put it on you.
I am really focussing on my course (interior design) and gettting business off ground as will give my independence. Have resurrected a lot of my friendships and getting out and about. It's hard as no family, no money and we live in the country.
