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I’m new here. My H walked out 3 weeks ago after walking in and telling me he wanted a D. He said he needed time and space to work on himself and wanted to D because he didn’t want to give anyone false hope that he was coming back. We have a 17 & 18 year old. He says he is doing it bc he knew we weren’t happy. We have no idea where he got that from. He refused any counseling, preacher meetings, church, and even talking. He just says it’s him and he wants to fix himself. He moved the last of his stuff out tonight along with my 17 year old who is not speaking to me. My son says I am embarrassing bc I cry so much. Our divorce will be final Friday. 30 days and your life is over from what it used to be. How could he hurt me like this after 25 years together. I don’t know how to move on. I’m heartbroken. He says I was the perfect wife and didn’t do anything wrong, but how can that be true when he walked out on me after 25 years of marriage. Any observations or advice?

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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Did you agree to a decree? How are your rights protected financially? Find a lawyer asap and see if they can appear for you and intervene.

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Originally Posted by JoKnows
He said he needed time and space to work on himself and wanted to D because he didn’t want to give anyone false hope that he was coming back.


This is a pretty typical WAS mindset. They all say stuff like this.

Quote
He refused any counseling, preacher meetings, church, and even talking.


This is also quite typical. Do not push him to do any of these things, right now he wants time and space and this sort of thing is applying unwanted relationship pressure on him.

Quote
My son says I am embarrassing bc I cry so much.


Don't cry around H and the kids. Cry in private, cry with your friends (not mutual friends, friends that have no contact with H). In front of H and the kids "act as if" you are fine. Have you read DR yet? Read it ASAP. Read all of Cadet's links. Read the thread about Sandi's rules and read those rules every day. They are your template on how to behave.

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Our divorce will be final Friday. 30 days and your life is over from what it used to be.


D isn't necessarily the end.

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How could he hurt me like this after 25 years together.


He's going through something. Possibly MLC. It probably has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. He's not trying to hurt you, he's trying to run away from his demons. Read the stickies on the MLC forum and see if any of it rings true to your sitch.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander


He's going through something. Possibly MLC. It probably has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. He's not trying to hurt you, he's trying to run away from his demons. Read the stickies on the MLC forum and see if any of it rings true to your sitch.



THIS

After my BD I had an anti-D expert (not MWD) explain to me that my W was trying to be happy. He also gave me the perspective that if I truly loved her then I would want her to be happy, even if it meant not being with me.

So truly love him. Don't play the victim (why me?). Realize that you get control of exactly one person in your 70-100 years on this ball of dirt, and he isn't that person. You are.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018

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