This thread is "This IS your normally scheduled life". I thought XW was interrupting my life. No. The D and everything I've gone through isn't a distraction from my life. It is my life. The good and the bad both.
Though I would be okay with a little bit less upheaval in the coming months. I guess we will see. No knowing!
Just wanted to say thank you for your kind words. You always remind me to be a better version of myself and keep posting. Your descriptions of your post WA life makes me believe that there is life after, and that with the right frame of mind, that that life can be wonderful (and full of really good food).
Well, TJT, you seemed to have disappeared. Come on out hun, the water is fine.
I did an interesting thing the other day, which was re-read a few of my posts from a year ago. I couldn't remember exactly what I had written about. I remember now - it was right around the time I started really coming out of my active grief and started making steps towards figuring out what I wanted in my life and who Yail was. I was changing my aesthetic, being bold in my social sphere, and digging in to my work. I can't believe that was a year ago.
Outwardly I sound very similar to that woman, but inwardly I am so different. I am so much calmer. I have so much more peace. This is part of the original Yail - the woman who I was when partnered with XW. I was inwardly content, and I am again inwardly content. I don't always have to be "on" for those around me. I don't have to prove I'm okay. I have come so much further in my acceptance of the fact that my W left, and that I am divorced. I feel like I'm merging my new self with my old self - and coming in to greater balance.
****** Today my mom, SIL and bro came over to my apartment. My bro and SIL needed haircuts (my mom is a hairdresser) and my apartment is in the middle of their houses. Also, I promised everyone cinnamon buns. So that was a fun afternoon of sitting around, drinking some wine, eating cinnamon buns, and chatting while haircuts were given.
It was a gorgeous day out, and I went for a nice long walk. What a beautiful part of town I live in. I'm determined to take advantage while I'm here.
Tonight I made a lovely mushroom risotto, and having it with a bottle of Prosecco. I love Sunday dinners. Yesterday I made a great bubbly mac and cheese (mom's recipe, of course). Friday I was in a foul mood and ordered a large buffalo chicken pizza (note to self: stop ordering a large!). I have so many carb-heavy leftovers to eat.
Tomorrow is a crazy day of intense meetings. I'm looking forward to it. I love digging my hands in to my work, and I'm currently mapping out what my growth at my employer might look like. I want more.
I've been procrastinating on a lot of my personal projects. Some PHP studying (done positively zero), and making plans on how I'm going to educate myself for my future farm. I keep hoping I might vacation by WWOOFing again this spring, but perhaps domestically. But I haven't done the work to reaching out to farmers and see if I might be of assistance. I have to remind myself: If I want this future lifestyle I need to work for it. Now is the time for me to continuously learn so that when an opportunity presents itself I don't back away because I feel unqualified. I have so many opportunities I can seize - I just need to get out of my own way.
Well, tonight isn't the night though. Tonight I play video games and drink wine.
Yail, I had to share this with you-- my ten year old told me last night when I was cooking dinner that she was giving up truffles for Lent. I was like, chocolate truffles? (Thinking, when do you eat truffles?) And she said no, truffles truffles, like truffle sauce (this yummy soy-truffle sauce I got that will entice my kids to eat absolutely ANYTHING as long as it has truffle sauce on it). So... I got a little kick out of that.
Also, truffles are a bit of my f-you to my H who thinks they smell like farts and old socks, so now that I've converted the children into truffle lovers he gets all fake-annoyed at dinner time by the smell of truffles. (And caveat, I'm not like shaving real truffles on our food or anything.. just drizzling a little truffle soy sauce or truffle butter on regular food and calling it "truffled". I found some that do have a tiny bit of real truffles in them for not too much $$ and aren't just the chemicals.)
Finally... if you love mushrooms a very inexpensive and delicious meal is Japanese mushroom rice, you can google like matsutake gohan recipes, and just substitute dried shiitakes for the matsutakes (or whatever kind of mushrooms you have on hand). Really simple and yummy. I just throw it all in the rice cooker, no real cooking needed.
Have a great week-- really happy to hear about you digging in and mapping out your growth. That is exciting!
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Holy goodness May, that's hilarious. Your kiddos are tiny little foodies.
I'm on the fence about truffles myself, I'm (sorry?) to say. I wish I liked them, but they're a tad strong for me. I don't liken them to offensive smells like your H does, but they're just not quite to my palate. I keep trying. And I haven't quite gotten there yet. I really want to like them (well...my wallet doesn't! Why am I trying to learn to like something so pricey??). Truffle butter tends to be okay, as the richness of the dairy mellows and balances the flavor in my mind.
I've never had Japanese mushroom rice - thanks for the suggestion! It sounds/looks delicious. There are a lot of regions of cooking I enjoy but I'm inexperienced in - Japanese is one of them - and perhaps I should spend some time focusing on other cultures' foods. It sounds like a fun challenge to do with friends.
I had forgotten, once upon a time I had wanted to do cultural dinner parties. Invite friends and friends-of-friends to a dinner party and everyone brings a surprise dish from a pre-determined culture. It ends in a mish-mash but at least you have a spread of a protein, a starch, a few veggies, an appetizer, a beverage, a dessert - or something to that effect. It sounds like a really fun way to meet new folks around a common goal and interest. Maybe I should bring this up to a few people and see if I can really get one off the ground.
I had forgotten, once upon a time I had wanted to do cultural dinner parties. Invite friends and friends-of-friends to a dinner party and everyone brings a surprise dish from a pre-determined culture. It ends in a mish-mash but at least you have a spread of a protein, a starch, a few veggies, an appetizer, a beverage, a dessert - or something to that effect...Maybe I should bring this up to a few people and see if I can really get one off the ground.
Wanna come?
This would be so much fun!!! My kids go to an international school so when we have schools parties it’s almost always mish-mashed with foods from different cultures. And the moms will get together and learn cuisines from each other too. We should get a DB cultural dinner party started.
I had forgotten, once upon a time I had wanted to do cultural dinner parties. Invite friends and friends-of-friends to a dinner party and everyone brings a surprise dish from a pre-determined culture. It ends in a mish-mash but at least you have a spread of a protein, a starch, a few veggies, an appetizer, a beverage, a dessert - or something to that effect...Maybe I should bring this up to a few people and see if I can really get one off the ground.
Wanna come?
Let's do it!
My parents have been part of this book club for probably 40 years, same couples, they meet once a month and whoever hosts always cooks a meal related to the book. The ones I know they've had the most fun with are ones from other places/cultures. I think it is mostly an excuse to get together and eat (I know my dad hardly ever reads the book) but it could be a cool way to also learn more about the culture represented by the food? I am definitely a firm believer that food is a major pathway for cultural connections-- we all love to eat!!!
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Went for an after work beer with a friend, had some fun discussions. She's approaching the tail end to writing her dissertation, and I'm so in awe of this academic achievement. The close folks in my life don't tend to have this type of advanced degree/work, and I find it inspiring and exciting to hear about. I'm more than a little jealous. Wildly jealous, actually.
In part, I wish I was an academic. I always did well academically, but never pursued options beyond my Bachelor's degree. I lacked a specific focus or interest - my job is one where I am more of a generalist. This is in part why I'm so excited to start my Masters in May. I made decisions to avoid unnecessary debt, and now that my student loans have been paid off I am glad I can pursue my MBA without added loans or cost. It's an incredible privilege and opportunity.
So I'm having a beer with my friend, and a younger man comes over and pauses. "Yail?". omg. It's a wonderful friend from my past I see periodically but doesn't live in this state anymore. I jump up and give him a huge hug which he reciprocates. I introduce him to friend, we chat a bit about basics and catching up. "How is W?" he asks. I have a split second where I wonder who that is. I then inform him that she is now XW, and that we separated about a year and a half ago. No more info - just that - and that I honestly don't know how she's doing, but she lives in another state now. He had no idea - last time I saw him the three of us had gone out for a beer together. I realize that must have been two years ago.
We keep talking, we exchange numbers, perhaps I'll see him before he heads home to his new state. I continue my visit with friend. She asks how that was for me - if I am okay about friend inquiring about XW. I say it was fine.
And now I'm home, and I have this weird pit of sadness in my stomach. I try to figure out where it came from, trace the emotion to when it hits harder. It was about XW. She just snuck in right there in my evening when I wasn't expecting it. A sucker punch to the gut somehow, though I can't find any logical reason. I just miss her is all. I still love her, is all.
I can move on and live my life and grow. I can be okay with dating or meeting new people. I can even believe that right now, this was for the best. I would not be my current self without this trauma and upheaval. I could never go back to how things were - never ever. I can be okay with all of that, and yet I still love her. I get a rare but real ache where I just miss her. It's what's left after I spent so much time concentrating on letting her go softly, not hating her, not being spiteful, and not accepting or giving blame for what happened. I'm left with this lingering love that won't leave. I don't regret it. I think it was the right decision for me. But it still revisits me even in those moments I think I'm fine. That darned sucker punch.
So I focus on what I want next. I want that advanced degree. I want my Masters, I want a focus on developing my thoughts and how I impact and interact with the world. I have to assume I'm still healing emotionally, just more "under the radar" and that I just need more time. I don't know what else I can do to encourage it, aside from waiting.
A face from the past. 
