Hello all. Just a little hello put out into the world while we're all dealing with added stress/sadness/anxiety. I'm sure a lot of folx are in less-than-ideal situations where the pandemic has in someway impacted your marriage sitch. Either forced time together, increased anxieties, worry for our elders and family, lost jobs, or whatever that impact may be. I think of people here often and hope they have some decent coping mechanisms in place to stay mentally and emotionally healthy.
I worry about some I haven't heard from in a while. Yorkie with her travels to Africa. FS I know you've been in the thick of it, and I hope you are okay. KG with all the hardships you've got going on at once. May, as you rediscover some new set of "normal" and then this makes it all very not-normal.
Anyway, just know you're in my thoughts. Everyone. Facebook these days (at least in my area) is a weird combination of horrific pandemic realities from across the world mixed in with wholesome family photos of families self-isolating together and playing and learning and performing music and whatnot. But we all know that behind closed doors isn't always a happy place, and I want you to know (everyone here, not just those I know a bit better) you are seen and thought of.
xx I have been thinking much the same thing. that this pandemic has thrown off all of our routines in so many different ways, one small way being that it seems many of us are not here quite as frequently as we were... for me being with H 24 hours a day makes it difficult to get on here and read or post, but this is such a beautiful community of friends and I too have been wondering how everyone is doing and thinking about you.
Any good pantry recipes to share? H went on a grocery store run yesterday and we're pretty stocked up, but they were completely out of flour and I'm bummed because my younger daughter is getting totally into baking (hence us running low).
Hope you're doing well and have mechanisms to cope of your own!
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Thanks for saying Hi May. Yes, largely I am okay. I have an awful bronchial-viral-illness thing so I've been coughing nonstop for a week. I've fully self-isolated myself since Sunday when it started, refusing to go to the store or even for a walk because I don't want anyone to have any more panic than they already do as they hear me cough in public. I never had a fever or any trouble breathing - it really is just some viral thing that has caused bronchitis. It has been okay, just uncomfortable, and I think I'm on the mend.
My work went remote, so that has been good. I miss the social element but believe fully in this need. I'm trying to find my own routine, like the fact that the sun in my living room is best between 3PM - 7PM, so I rotate into that room at that time. Online classes have started again and I'm trying to get the motivation to work on this class that I really don't want to do. Last one. I need to do it. I don't want to. Ugh, PHP will be the thing that breaks my brain.
No cooking though for now, as I'm so terribly germy. Getting by with the basics, and a bit of ice cream for the throat. I did have one (very, very dumb) travesty where I lost about 8 cups of gorgeous turkey stock. I had made a lot of it, and was worried it would go bad before I turned it into soup. So I figured "Oh....it will probably be fine....I'll just put this in the freezer in this glass container with no top, there's room for it to expand". Nope. Shattered glass in my freezer, and lost all that gorgeous stock. Lesson learned. Yail did a dumb thing.
I did, however, make a wonderful fregola soup last week which is my new favorite thing. I used the recipe called "Fregola soup with rosemary" from a blog called "Delicious Dishings" if you wish to look it up. I'm obsessed with it.
Thanks for the distraction of saying hi. I've fully ignored my homework so far this week, and I'm on a good track to continue to do poorly in this class. I really need to gain some focus and a Kick-Butt attitude that I can do this, despite my brain telling me it's above my skill level. It's so anti-Yail!
So... it has been awhile and now I am worried reading your last post. Hope you are doing OK and simply cooking up a storm and enjoying life. (And... I would have thought leaving the top off of the glass for your turkey stock would have been fine too. was it hot when you put it in the freezer??? yikes, lesson learned.)
On a side note.... incredible to take a step back and realize we've all been locked down basically for a month. I finally have flour again but yet to break into it... maybe this weekend.
Let us know how you're doing when you can!!
xx M
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
May, you are sweet to be concerned for me. I am 100% healthy again though the sickness did take quite a while to clear up. It was rough. Now I'm back into a rhythm of life with my remote work (which I am beyond grateful for), my online class (which is my distraction in all of this), and a new exercise and walking routine. Overall, I am doing quite well.
I live in an area that is taking the virus seriously, and we have all modified our behaviors in a way that makes me proud of my community for acting in this collective way. I am currently employed at least through the end of June, and after that we will need to see if any changes are made. Higher Ed is going to be hit hard - it already has - and I just have no way of predicting if my department will be reduced or continue in a modified way. All I can do is keep doing my best and keep saving to the best of my ability for the event of layoffs or job loss. I am cautiously optimistic though that we may be able to ride this out. I am coming up with a couple of "Plan B" options just in case so that I know my next steps in the event of a change.
This class (PHP) really is a doozy. It takes a lot of time, I'm not doing great, but I'll pass. I am starting to pull together some concepts and get a better grasp though, so it has been incredibly valuable. Just a lot of work. If I am not on my computer for work meetings or projects I am on my computer for PHP. If I am not on my computer for one of those I'm on my computer for e-drinking or other social events where I can see colleagues and friends.
I am on a new walking routine which I love where I get at least 3 miles a day, or more depending on weather and my mood. I keep switching-up my route to see new spaces, keep it fresh. Thank goodness for spring.
I sometimes think about dating. On one hand I am LOVING being single. I love living by myself. I love my freedom, the fact that my rhythm is mine alone and that I take better care of myself this way. I'm in a creative phase where I see potential in everything and I'm pushing myself to not say "no" to anything. This week on a whim I bought a violin, and that will be my new creative outlet. I feel optimistic and strong every day. I believe long term I'll want a partner again, but even that I'm starting to question if that's true. It depends on the day. I feel it has been enough time that I could approach dating in a healthy way. But also - I kind of just don't want to. I want to keep thriving solo. So our new normal has been the perfect excuse for me to not even need to think about it. Dating isn't an option right now, so I can not worry.
That being said, I am on a lez dating app and occasionally chat with some women just to kind of practice what the thought of dating might be like. So many people are bored right now and just want to chat. I never dated - all of my exes we just sort of met and clicked and then dated, so I've never had the experience of meeting a stranger and seeing if there is a good vibe. It's an....interesting app.
And my next adventure - and I truly cannot wait, I'm on the edge of my seat - is I hope to start my master's degree on May 11th. Once this PHP class wraps up I'll have finished my Web Programming certificate, and can officially start my MBA. This is of course dependent on my job, as I can't afford to pay for it, only take it as a benefit. But I can get started and I honestly want it so much!
I have procrastinated enough today, and must return to my project. Thanks again for checking-in May, I hope you are well. You sounded it in your recent update, I think you're doing a great job of trying to just "be" with your H.
This week: Ragu Bolognese, homemade pasta, polenta, blackbean & avocado tacos, stirfry. Or something along those lines. We will see!
Yail, thanks so much for checking back in and updating us here... I am so glad to hear how things are going. The other day I went back and read your first few posts. I am so incredibly impressed with you. The way you have handled this entire thing, with strength and grace and dignity and this true and deep self-awareness... plus to read your post above which just exudes happiness and gratitude and peace. I want all the newbies and people in the throes of fear right now to read this last post. I've seen a few folks comment on their threads about how having gone through our sitches has made dealing with this pandemic so much easier, and I can not only relate but reading how you've handled everything just underscores it. I'm really happy for you.
Thanks for sharing. I really appreciate it. Also, I'm going to follow you on the homemade pasta now that I have flour again. I haven't gotten out my pasta making stuff in probably four years... excited to dust it off.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I don't have much for updates these days, but it is nice to stop by and journal and check-in with folks here and there. I really am grateful for your check-in May. It's nice to know a stranger cares. I check for updates on some of the folks I "know" better here, but I'm bad about writing back or checking in. I should get better at that. Right now people really need to know that there's an individual out there who cares about them.
The concept of going through our "sitch" and then being able to handle the pandemic: Yes. One thousand times yes. I was talking to a friend who was checking in, and I said "You know what? I can totally handle this. All my divorced friends are bad@$$ B!t(hes." And it's kind of true. My friends who have been through divorce have a different lens about what loss means, and what it means to just "get through", and what it feels like to be on the otherside.
"In the throes of fear". What a true line. I was paralyzed by fear. That is exactly, in part, one of my personality flaws that contributed to the demise of our R. That was an area I needed to grow from. Instead of "fight or flight" there is also a model that states "fight, flight, or freeze". I was a freezer. My fear would paralyze me. I couldn't work out some of the issues XW and I had - I couldn't talk about them, I couldn't address them. When she started to pull away I froze. There are a million examples, but I choose to not relive them. I just know that I don't want that to be my life anymore, so I am trying to tackle life head-on. But I remember very clearly what those throes of fear feel like.
It was nearly two years ago my sitch started. And here I am, two years later in a space I never saw. I'm sad that we are divorced. I still love her and yes, I still think of her every day. But I am still healing even now, and I'm not delusional in thinking that I just want her back. Too much has happened, and I understand the advice of "if there is to be a marriage 2.0 you have to start from scratch". Because I am such a different person now, and I would demand that she is as well. I'm not waiting. But I won't say it doesn't ever cross my mind when I have a particularly sweet memory of who we once were.
But my days are also joyful and full and rich and artistic. My relationships with everyone else have improved 10x. I have friends now - I didn't really before. I'm social now. I don't regret that. I've lost my fear.
It really only happens once you embrace it. Change is happening and if you fight it you're going to get hurt, or never heal. I know my life is richer because of the pain. I feel beauty more deeply now. I see the subtleties in a friendship or a kind word. Because once I didn't think I'd ever see those things again, and that my life would be tainted forever due to my overwhelming loss.
I think this quarantine has me feeling overly poetic with my emotions. Or maybe it's my whiskey sour.
Tonight is blackbean and avocado taco night. And I'll get some homemade yogurt started so it will be ready tomorrow.
Good to hear from you! I follow your sit quite a bit but rarely have much to add. You are strong and you have worked out your issues with dignity and respect. I salute you for that
It is strange how this pandemic has kind of paled in comparison to the life changing upheavals we are going through. A lot of people are freaking out - meanwhile DBers are like - pandemic? Alright, ok, let's do this.
Hi IronWill Thanks for saying hi. I hope you are staying well, and taking care of yourself.
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Journaling (because I'm procrastinating)
This Friday I will have completed my really tough programming class. I'm in countdown mode when I should be putting some work in. I have a lot left to do! I haven't passed yet - but I think I'll get a "C" and finally call this class DONE. Whew!
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The best thing about my days lately has been my long walks. I get a lot of thinking done when I'm on them, and realize how much more active my mind is when I'm out exploring.
One thing I've been grappling with is the renewed sense of grief over XW. Some of the specifics and strong memories have revisited recently, and I couldn't figure out why. And then I'm stuck wondering, "Am I not over her? I thought I was getting over her? What are my feelings? Am I angry, or accepting? Why am I having these memories of our split? What does THAT mean?"
I realized yesterday I may have stumbled up on one of the answers.
The pandemic is a revisit to what was happening emotionally to me when W left. A year and a half ago she left me, and I was in the house alone, trying to keep myself together, learning what it mean to be alone but still adjust to a new normal while grieving what we had.
Guess what we're all doing right now?
We're in a situation where all the people in our lives we can't see, so they feel like they've left. We are all alone (or with immediate fam only), learning what it means to be in this new form of "alone" while grieving what we had.
It's the same process, and it now seems so obvious why I was likely having flashbacks. My emotional state is similar.
I've procrastinated enough today Back to the awful programming assignment. If I can just focus I'll get through this...too bad there's no focus to be found here.
Two more days to go till you finish your class! How are you going to celebrate??
Just like you said to me-- it is normal to go through these cycles, to revisit the trauma and the grief as you process things when you can. It is a good and healthy thing, even when it doesn't feel good in the moment.
I also want to point out how differently you're handling this similar situation today than how you felt when you were first dropped into it. You're cultivating the positive, learning about yourself, growing intellectually and spiritually, and it is all so inspiring to watch. Its amazing.
What's for dinner this week???
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Also, I'm going to follow you on the homemade pasta now that I have flour again. I haven't gotten out my pasta making stuff in probably four years... excited to dust it off.