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May, the naan is from a blog called "Gimme Some Oven". I'm obsessed with it. I don't have a Costco membership, but sometimes give my mom a call for critical bulk items (like coffee!) and we go together. Generally no need for Costco when it's just me solo, tbh.

So to answer your question - no. BFF and I did not always talk so openly about sex. It wasn't blatantly taboo, but I do feel that when partnered I had this strong feeling that talking about my own sexuality or experiences implied I was referring to me and my partner. And their privacy is something that is important to me - I'm not the type to chat about specifics from my real life and name names. As open as I am that's a door that I prefer to remain shut between me and the person I'm (hypothetically) sleeping with.

But now that I'm solo AND going through this reevaluation I feel the need to talk about it. Because I'm really learning a lot more solo than I ever learned when partnered. And to be fair, any issues that existed between XW and I were primarily centered around me being uncommunicative and exhibiting low desire traits. It wasn't our only barrier, but it's the one I can own and learn the most from.

Also, for me the learning period I'm going through is about both my sexual preferences (specifics of what works/doesn't work for me, and how to learn to use my words to communicate that) and also my sexual identity. I still continue to identify as a lesbian. But I did take some time to just ask myself the question - to check in with myself - on whether even that had changed in the last 10 years. It hasn't, but I'm pretty pleased that I didn't shy away from that question on identity.

More to the point, I have embraced my identity as a Femme. How I present myself within my gender and how that relates to my sexuality has been empowering for me. This identity may change over time - it has before - but it's a space I feel whole in and that I am currently loving.

I think the real reason for opening up about this topic is that after a D one has a general "Eff it" attitude. Nothing compares to the pain and work it takes to get through a separation and D. Everything else is unimportant. So I can boldly talk about this subject - or any subject - with zero fear of judgement because I just don't care. The desire to take up space after something so emotionally traumatic is real, and I don't really care to make others feel comfortable in the name of polite conversation.

Luckily our true friends don't buy into that either, and will gladly sip wine and talk about all fun thoughts :-D

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Really interesting, Yail. Thanks for sharing. I have also had way more interesting and detailed conversations with friends (partnered and not) about sex, though since H and I weren't having any I didn't have to share any specific details except that the store was currently closed for me. I just find it so interesting that this is something that has so much depth and meaning within the human experience and yet we pretend it isn't happening even with our closest friends. Many of us (me included, sounds like you too) don't even talk about it to our partners, the one person we SHOULD be talking about it with more than anyone!

And the idea that if the stats are correct and 50-75 percent of couples or whatever experience infidelity, yet those of us going through it may not even share the basic facts with our closest friends and family (to protect ourselves? our partners? others' views of us? the possibility of future R?) just makes me feel so sad, like we are all these little lonely islands going through the most difficult things in the world and can't talk to anyone about it. I feel really terrible about my mom, who keeps texting me and KNOWS something is wrong and yet I can't say anything because she has a complicated R with my H as it is and would never, ever forgive him ever. And I don't want the future to be dictated by that dynamic if we stay together.

At the same time, it shows me how beautiful this forum is, because we are here for each other and can share our experiences and hurt and be as specific and long-winded as we need to be. (Well, maybe that is just me ;)) Anyway, I'm really glad you were able to reevaluate your own identity as a sexual being and embrace your Femme side. Plus, I am loving you in your lipstick and fancy shoes. The under the desk thing is real. Mine are in a big ridiculous pile, I don't even know how many pairs I have under there. It was pretty embarrassing the last time I changed jobs and needed more than one box for my work shoes.

Re Costco... the next time you go with your mom take a walk down aisles other than coffee. There are a lot of specialty items that keep a long long time that are like one thousand times cheaper than at the regular store, like a huge jar of kalamata olives for $10, or packages of cured meats that have expiration dates three months from now. Mine also has a huge wine selection, not sure if that is the case in every state... but I think you might find you can feed your inner foodie there at a really good price without needing to feed a whole huge family at once.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Originally Posted by may22
just makes me feel so sad, like we are all these little lonely islands going through the most difficult things in the world and can't talk to anyone about it.


This really resonated with me today.

So for my work place we have a shuttle from the parking area to the work area. I was on the shuttle with a coworker who I know casually, I've worked with her a little on some projects. If I'm honest, historically she has been a bit short and stand-offish. Not a warm fuzzy person.

Over the past few months I've noticed a change in her demeanor, she has softened, perhaps her shoulders have unclenched, her face has relaxed into less of a tense pose. She seemed more willing to say hi to people.

Today on the shuttle I was speaking with her and another coworker and she informed us that she and her H of 30 years (who ALSO WORKS THERE) have separated. She indicated he is an @$$, so my guess is that there may be infidelity in the situation.

I told her I was recently divorced. We locked eyes and it was like we had never seen each other before. Hers were watery, I think mine were too. We just kind of nodded. It was an instant bonding moment.

All I could offer her today was where my secret hiding spot was when I needed it. A place that very few people can enter, and a place she can spend 20 minutes not being "on" or available to coworkers and can just sit in silence. That was helpful to me, so I told her where the secret place was. She seemed genuinely grateful for something so simple.

So, yes. We are all alone in this great human experiment. But also, we are different after we go through these sitches. And it's an oddly unifying human experience. When I was going through the worst of it I had two coworkers truly SEE me and recognize my pain because they had also gone through that pain. As awful as that is, it was more helpful than the endless platitudes or comforting words coming from anyone else who hadn't been there before.

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Hi Yail,

Was thinking of you this morning as I put a lamb roast in my slow cooker and wondered if it would compare at all to your feast earlier this week... was regretting not getting beef smile

It is a gift that you can share a moment like that with another person. We are alone, sometimes, but sometimes you reach across and there is a bridge and a connection and I think that is part of the human experience too, how soul-filling that can be. It was really nice of you to offer that secret space to your colleague. I hope she gets some good use out of it.

Hoping you're lipsticked and high heeled up today, Yail! Sending love.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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OMG I love lamb. I'm jealous. I've never done a stew, I should keep that in mind. Just this morning I was looking up some goat recipes, considering whether I might go to the local halal butcher and see if I might try a goat roast in spring. Perhaps Easter, which is one of my favorite food holidays. It's all about spring and newness and lots and lots of herbs. I bet my family would be surprised and probably really like it.


******

I had been so tired after my flu, and now I'm getting my groove back. I'm waiting for the cold snap to pass by because I could do with a few walks around the neighborhood for some energy but I'm not braving these windchills. I'm still doing my intense meal planning to keep my grocery budget at a super low price point - hovering around the $150/month point these days (including about $35 of that being greens and lettuces for the rabbit alone). I'm considering starting a blog about my Homesteading dreams, and as part of it tracking my groceries and how I use them, and use every part in as many iterations as I can come up with (ie a Roast chicken turns into roast chicken meal, leftovers for two meals, quesadillas for one meal, avgolemono soup with the homemade chicken stock and remainder of the meat - 4 more meals). Homemade yogurt is crazy cheap, as is my weekly oatmeal bakes.

It seems a productive place to spend my energy and practice my web programming skills. In May I'll finally have my web programming certificate. Then comes the MBA. I'm dreading this final PHP class I have coming up.

Up this week in the kitchen: breaded lemon pork chops with tumeric rice and veggies, mushroom risotto, pork stir fry, beef stew (leftovers!), and a mac and cheese. Usually a breakfast sandwich thrown in there for the night I just have zero desire to cook anything.

In other news, the tat is healing nicely. It's definitely in the itchy phase and is driving me a tiny bit crazy as I try to not touch it at all. But it's starting to look a tiny bit cloudy which is to be expected before it brightens and tightens up after some skin regeneration. It's fascinating for me to watch. I measured it and it's actually closer to 5'' x 9''. It's perfect. I'm so in love. I'm not someone who loves to parade around in a bathing suit in summer (I usually have WAY too many layers on!) but this summer I think I'll be pretty darned proud to show it off and probably get a few double takes and comments. It's that good. Now I just need a new suit to be equally bad @$$ - perhaps a black two piece with gold hardware? Or something deep maroon/wine colored. Online shopping time.

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You seriously give me goals for what life is going to look like if/when he goes. I love all your food stuff. I’m a big cooker. Less so with the baking. And I love the life you’re building for yourself. I’ve never lived alone in my life, ever. I get scared sometimes but creeping on your threads has given me so much hope about the quiet sweet life I could be looking forward too.

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Creep away, my dear.

Quiet and sweet. I like that! I think it's a nice description of my life on most days.

And some days it's not, but I love those days too. Some days I ramp up my feeling like a bad MF. I love that feeling.

and wayfarer - these are not goals for when he goes. If you are truly interested in something like making some food goals, why can't you do them now? Really. It's true life will be different in a lot of ways if he goes. But the focusing on a project that you truly love can start any time, and boosts your confidence.

There are two quotes I've mentioned here in my threadnthat really drive me. They are:

"We have to create. It is the only thing louder than destruction" - A. Gibson (spoken word poet)
"The opposite of War isn't Peace. It's creation" - RENT

To fight against the destruction in your life you have to BUILD. Don't focus on the walls that are falling down - let them. Focus on making something else unrelated to that wall. Truly, it is what kept me calm and sane. Find art in your life.

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I stopped cooking when I discovered the EA. I saw a psychic around the time it shifted to a PA. She told me to get my a$$ back in the kitchen. I have. I let him kill a part of me and decided after I saw the psychic that I wasn’t going to let that happen. That my craft even if deep down it was love for me to feed my family that I was going to keep on loving even if he stopped. I won’t let him take any more than he has. I’m taking all of myself back for me if he doesn’t want me including my cooking wink

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Amazing advice my friend. (((HUGS)))

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I really like that advice Yail, build to fight against destruction.

I think that is life, when you are not moving forward you are not just staying in the same place. You actually move backwards. May we all strive to be better versions of ourselves!


BD: Sep 2019
D in progress
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