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Rosy10 Offline OP
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I took down my first thread since I was worried H saw the website and my previous title being too conspicuous.

So just to recap, H and I are in early 30s, T 11 M 5. Baby daughter. BD June 2019. H and I had been going through a few years of fertility struggles and had a pregnancy loss. H fell into a bout of depression and increased anxiety causing him to pull away from me, go out with new work friends at least once a week, potential EA, not confirmed. I also got pregnant around this time with fertility treatment, which he reluctantly agreed to. When he learned I was pregnant, he got very upset and it seemed to push him over the edge. We've always wanted kids and talked about having kids so it seems like he ultimately was upset because he thought I was calling the shots as to WHEN it happened. I kept trying to reconnect as he said he thought we were drifting, suggesting dates (one time he said, "We can't afford to go on a date"), agreed to go to MC but only made it through 3 sessions in which the MC was very focused on his family history. He would frequently come home later, stand me up for dinner plans at home, and his communciation with me was poor. He said he didn't want to have kids anymore. At one point he said he accepted that we were having a child, but that he decided he didn't want to have any more kids after this (we've always said we would have multiple children)

I expressed this and all of his behavior upset me, which led to H telling me first he needed to move out to work on his depression, and he felt that I was pinning his unhappiness too much on his depression. I begged/pleaded/cried, all the no nos. He then within a few weeks told me he thought we should separate before our baby knew what it was like to have 2 parents together. He was angry at me for controlling too much of our life together. I can shoot holes through his complaints (i.e. he said we didn't spend enough time alone together when I asked him to spend time with me and he would decline or stand me up) He told me his plan was to move out at the end of the year when the baby was a few months old (I was 8 months pregnant at the time)

Currently, he is still living in our house. He sleeps in the study and refers to it as "his room" (and the MBR is "my room") - not sure if he considers us to have an in house separation. I began DBing around Oct 2019 and have noticed an improvement. I dropped all R talks, stopped texting him throughout the day, stopped initiating conversation and asking for time together. His depression seems to be much improved. His mood is better, he communicates better, he doesn't disappear for hours at a time and stand me up for things anymore. Not sure if this is becuase of my DBing or the arrival of our daughter, who he is so in love with. He has initiated some physical affection, will make eyes at me when we're taking care of our baby and things like that. We haven't had a R talk in months. He has made some vague comments about how the house is mine and he's letting me call all the shots [since he won't be living there much longer]. No other mention of separation. It's hard to imagine him leaving because he just adores our baby. We are really getting along well now and do a good job taking care of the baby together.

I do feel like I'm in a much better mental space than I was this time last year, even before BD. I'm proud of myself for feeling more detached, I feel that I've accepted that I can't control him or his behavior, and that I will be okay if/when he pursues an actual separation. I don't deserve the way he's been treating me the last ~1.75 years but I didn't respond in the best manner when he was expressing issues with our M (I would deny or debate, I've since learned the value of validation and I think that would've really helped my case earlier). Most of the time our R seems mostly the same since before, minus the fact that he's not sleeping in bed with me. W

I struggle with not knowing what our status is (I know, continue to detach). I also am debating whether or not I need to do more DBing techniques. I spend a fair amount of time at home because of the baby. We inevitably end up spending time together in the evenings and weekends just watching TV, having meals, etc. Is this bad? I'm trying to go out more often but it is a little difficult to coordinate with the baby and the fact that I'm her source of food at the time. I made plans this weekend and just vaguely told him I was going out. I'm wondering if I should try to spend more time alone at home when the baby is asleep - go read or lounge in bed instead. Trying to think of ways to project confidence that I'll be okay if he leaves me. I feel like this would be alot easier without a young baby and a busy work schedule.

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Welcome back .... Do I know you? Is this who I think it is ... Did you post daily, and I replied often, and you had several threads and then vanished?

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Rosy10 Offline OP
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Hi Blu,
You may have posted on my other thread but I didn’t post daily and have only been MIA for about 1 month!

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Hi Rosy,

First of all... I just want to say how awful it is that you are going through this when you have a tiny baby. I can't imagine. How old is your baby again? And you're back at work?

First of all, you need to congratulate yourself for being such an amazing, bad-a$$ mom every single night before you go to sleep.

Second,

Originally Posted by Rosy10
I feel like this would be alot easier without a young baby and a busy work schedule.

OMG yes! Cut yourself a whole lot of slack. Here's my recommendation (and TBH this would be a recommendation for any young mom):

Think about what YOU want to do. What can you imagine doing-- for you-- that makes you happy? A long nap on a weekend day? Pedicure? Reading a new novel? I think self-care is really, really important for everyone, but for a combination new mom and a LBS, you need to double down on taking care of yourself and feeding your own needs and soul. Take the time to be there for yourself first and foremost.

After that, *then* I think you can worry about DBing in terms of thinking about how your GALing may or not affect him. I sincerely believe that GALing is for you, not for him-- to the extent that it does catch his interest, great, but that isn't why you're doing it and I think you want to have that authentic lens on it-- you are doing this for YOU. (Because you deserve it!)

All that being said, here are some ideas you might consider, but only if they resonate with YOU. For instance, I found getting out of the house with the baby, while sometimes complicated, was important for me to not feel stifled in the house for too long. So walks, restaurants, museums, just getting out and about. You can do this without your H (I mean maybe he is welcome to come with you, but maybe at first you just let him know you'll be out and go). Also, I would probably steer away from too much sitting on the couch together and watching TV, unless you're watching a show you really like. In my sitch I found that we often defaulted to things my H liked to watch (because he likes to watch TV more than I do) and then I'm just sitting there working or reading or whatever, and getting antsy wondering what was going on in his head. I started moving my working/reading elsewhere, OR picked up the remote first and selected a show I was interested in.

Do you have other mom friends with a baby the same age? Getting together with them, glass of wine while the babies roll around on a blanket on the floor (or when they got older, playing) was like one of the most soul-feeding things I did when mine were little. And, since your H seems like he's around, can you leave the baby with him for an evening or a lunch? Do you have enough stored breastmilk to make that work? I remember feeling like I didn't want to waste that liquid gold for no good reason (like taking time for myself) but you know what? that IS a good reason.

Anyway-- I don't know if any of this is helpful, but just want to say hang in there, glad you are back and posting. There are a lot of people here that will support you through all of this. And you will get through it.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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There was a poster here last summer with a similar sitch and she disappeared after posting several times a day. I think I mistook you for her, sorry!

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Originally Posted by may22
Hi Rosy,

First of all... I just want to say how awful it is that you are going through this when you have a tiny baby. I can't imagine. How old is your baby again? And you're back at work?

First of all, you need to congratulate yourself for being such an amazing, bad-a$$ mom every single night before you go to sleep.


Thank you, May! You posted on my last thread as well and I always appreciate your feedback and advice! I've been following your story as well when I log in and I admire your DB approach with your H. She is 6 months old now and I'm back at work.

Originally Posted by may22
Think about what YOU want to do. What can you imagine doing-- for you-- that makes you happy? A long nap on a weekend day? Pedicure? Reading a new novel? I think self-care is really, really important for everyone, but for a combination new mom and a LBS, you need to double down on taking care of yourself and feeding your own needs and soul. Take the time to be there for yourself first and foremost.

After that, *then* I think you can worry about DBing in terms of thinking about how your GALing may or not affect him. I sincerely believe that GALing is for you, not for him-- to the extent that it does catch his interest, great, but that isn't why you're doing it and I think you want to have that authentic lens on it-- you are doing this for YOU. (Because you deserve it!)


That's a good point. I need to keep in mind that GAL is what's best for me when it all boils down to it. I get so caught up in the idea of using tactics to try to catch is attention when I just need to focus on bettering myself for whatever happens in the end. I'm working on setting up social get togethers with more friends, just not always easy to do when they want to bring their husbands and I don't! I have confided in a few close friends what's going on with my H, but I feel uncomfortable when couple friends suggest doing something all together becuase from the outside, things look normal and we appear to be a happily married couple with a beautiful little baby!

I do hate leaving the baby to go out but if I can time it for after her beditme so H is just sitting at home alone with her asleep, even better!

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Originally Posted by BluWave
There was a poster here last summer with a similar sitch and she disappeared after posting several times a day. I think I mistook you for her, sorry!

Blu


Maybe you're referring to Kech? Actually, on my last thread someone (may have even been you) gave me the link to her thread to read through since she had a similar situation.

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Rosy10 Offline OP
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Just a follow up. Often times I feel like I don't have much to post since our situation seems stagnant...H is sleeping in the study but other than that we get along great and he seems to keep up appearances of being happily married to me to people. Haven't had a R talk in months.

We did get each other small gifts for Valentines Day (I found out he was ordering me something so I went ahead and got him a gift as well) Not sure if this was a good move or not but I have trouble being rude. I kept it simple, no card as we would usually do. He asked what I wanted to do for VDay the day of and I just played it off as I didn't care and we just ate take out at home.

We are considering bringing in some new hand me down furniture into the house. The only spot for it is in the study where he's sleeping. It won't fit in the room and still allow him to open the pull out couch where he sleeps. Today he was texting me about moving his stuff down into the basement instead and even buying himself a bed to move down there. He's made alot of comments about moving out/keeping his things separate. At this point, it just annoys me. I am tempted to say, "So when are you going to move out?" (and stop hogging an extra room in the house) but I feel like that would be pressure. I'm acting nonchalant and accepting of him moving his stuff around in the house. When he first told me he wanted to move out, he said he was planning on getting an apartment but would still pay the mortgage as is our current arrangement. He isn't in the financial situation to afford an apartment and our mortgage, so I don't put much weight into the fact that he's still in the house.

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What is with these WS's complaining about not feeling close but then doing whatever they can to prevent that from happening? Ugh, same sitch. And it can be crazy-making when you really get along fine but they are planning on D. And I'm not sure how the baby is you calling the shots. Fertility treatments take two willing people.

It sounds like you are doing a good job. I am not sure if it's so bad to ask, "when are you moving out?" as long as you aren't going in for the attack, but in a detached way. I mean, it's rough when they have to best of both worlds, the benefits of living with you with none of the commitment. I am curious what the veterans think. My H is doing the same. He can't afford dual living situations. So it's so hard.

Do you think there is an OW? So much of this seems like it could fit. But I don't know based on your info.


the best apology is changed behavior.
***************
me: 45 h: 48
m: 23 T: 26
DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
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Rosy10 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by oceangrl
What is with these WS's complaining about not feeling close but then doing whatever they can to prevent that from happening? Ugh, same sitch. And it can be crazy-making when you really get along fine but they are planning on D. And I'm not sure how the baby is you calling the shots. Fertility treatments take two willing people.


Ugh, I know!! When he was giving me my litany of faults during the BD, I almost laughed because it's ridiculous that he feels like I didn't want to be close to him yet he had been treating me so poorly/standing me up when we had plans/avoiding me.

His main argument was that I decided when we would have a baby. When we were first married, we lightly discussed having children then but life would get in the way so I keep suggesting we push it back. He never seemed upset about it at the time but now looks back on it as me only being willing to have a baby when I wanted to. He went along with the fertility treatment but complained about it (to which one night I cried to him about feeling torn about it since he was upset about doing it and he kind of just gave me a "Whatever you want to do" answer). To him, it was just another instance of me having too much power over the decisions in our marriage (though that's definitely not how I remember things)

Originally Posted by oceangrl

Do you think there is an OW? So much of this seems like it could fit. But I don't know based on your info.


I do think he's had/having an EA even if he doesn't consider it to be an A. I do not think he's having a PA. He has just been so forthcoming with his reasons to leave me and telling me ILYB/I don't love you that way anymore that I think he would have mentioned a PA as another reason to separate. I could be wrong though!

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