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#2885493 02/13/20 07:28 PM
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may22 Offline OP
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Hi everyone,

Here's my last thread: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2882320&page=all

which was inappropriately named since I had hoped to be out of limbo by the time we got to the end. No such luck! So I'm taking a safer approach this time.

Two kids (7 and 10), H has been engaged in a long-distance PA for the last two years. I learned the full extent of it about six weeks ago and we've been seeing a discernment counselor since. H very torn, loves me but not in love with me, can't imagine that ever coming back with me. In his fantasy D, we will remain best friends and have dinner together every night, then he'll go home next door to AP. Yep. He is insistent that the most important things to him in any future are (a) the children and (b) my friendship.

I'm not sure I want to go through much more than that at this moment, but he's in her city now, returning tomorrow, having asked me to give him the space he needs to end his R with her and he will be ready to work on the MR when he returns. (For all the fun color please read my last thread.... yes, there is a great deal of healthy skepticism all around, including my own. We will see what happens.) I feel I've made a lot of progress in detaching and have been able to be pretty zen about all of this-- he'll do whatever it is he does and I'll then make my choices after that.

For continuity's sake, my last post (from this morning):

Woke up this morning to a text from H: "Hey... I just wanted to let you know that I really appreciate the time and space you have been willing to give me this week. It was what I needed. I am fine... and I will be home tomorrow... and everything will be ok. Trust me. Thanks for being so patient and understanding."

Not sure what to think about this, yes I know that a good percentage of you will be thinking WHY WOULD YOU EVER TRUST THIS A HOLE and maybe some of you will be like cautiously hopeful on my behalf. I don't know that I really feel anything about this right now. I guess cautiously hopeful if I'm being honest with myself. But definitely not excited. I will say, though, that this feels markedly different from where we were before. (And I'm confident he knows it all just isn't going to be "ok" no matter what.) But, trying not to worry about it right now.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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I'm glad you're feeling okay today May. I don't know how you do it, but I am glad you are able to.

Perhaps - you know yourself best - you need to prepare for some kind of hang-over or crash next week? It happens to me like that sometimes. I use my emotional energy dealing with something with grace and maturity (or laying down some big 'I don't care' self protection boundaries) and as soon as the situation resolves itself, I get a kind of delayed *woosh* of anger and anxiety that I need to process and work through. I think it's the emotional equivalent of not feeling the pain of an injury until you've got yourself to a place of safety. I like Yail's suggestions for self care. Perhaps booking something in for sunday or monday would be a thing future May would thank you for.

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Woke up this morning to a text from H: "Hey... I just wanted to let you know that I really appreciate the time and space you have been willing to give me this week. It was what I needed. I am fine... and I will be home tomorrow... and everything will be ok. Trust me. Thanks for being so patient and understanding."

I would believe every word of it and would cut him some slack. May, you won. As I said you would.

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Before even considering reconciliation with my H, there were couple conditions I needed first. 1. He came to me without uncertainty and said he wanted to be with me and would do whatever it took to try and make it work. He accepted it still may not work. 2 He demonstrated proof that he ended his A and would not want to turn back, 3. He offered up full transparency because he wanted to earn my trust. That is what I feel I needed. This is also why people here say when they are ready to come back, you will know without question. There is a change and shift in their attitude and you can feel it.

I feel you deserve the same thing. By your descriptions l, I don’t see him doing that yet so naturally I question anything is changing. I hope I’m wrong. I also know we are different and have different thresholds for what we can tolerate. I have read so many stories over the years, and it seems in most sitches the wayward spouse has to feel a loss to know what they stand to lose. Often the A has to die a natural death for it to be completely over. ... I’m curious to see if your H can simply choose the right thing and follow through on it. That would be impressive.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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may22 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by AlisonUK
Perhaps you need to prepare for some kind of hang-over or crash next week? It happens to me like that sometimes. I use my emotional energy dealing with something with grace and maturity (or laying down some big 'I don't care' self protection boundaries) and as soon as the situation resolves itself, I get a kind of delayed *woosh* of anger and anxiety that I need to process and work through. I think it's the emotional equivalent of not feeling the pain of an injury until you've got yourself to a place of safety. I like Yail's suggestions for self care. Perhaps booking something in for sunday or monday would be a thing future May would thank you for.

Hi Alison, That is a terrific suggestion and something I hadn't really thought about, but now that I do realize how true it will likely be for me. I was supposed to go to a baby shower Sunday and hadn't yet RSVPed because I was feeling reluctant about the whole idea but also guilty about skipping it, and I think now I'll just be able to skip it without feeling badly. Maybe I can schedule a massage or something. Also, I haven't been able to go to yoga all week with H out of town and I think ensuring I can go at least twice next week will be key.

I also am starting to feel that my H's concern about me building up this big reservoir of rage that is going to come spilling out as soon as it's safe-- that AP is out of the picture-- probably has legs. I want to think about this. I know I deserve to be angry and those are feelings that I will need to deal with when they arise, but I also don't want to let my feelings have control of me. (And yet this is all totally hypothetical since there are a bunch of things that would need to happen for me to even be in a place where I could be angry in a R situation. I *know* I'll be angry if we split.) Think for now I'll try to continue to not worry about how I may or may not feel if something does or doesn't happen.

Originally Posted by BluWave
Before even considering reconciliation with my H, there were couple conditions I needed first. 1. He came to me without uncertainty and said he wanted to be with me and would do whatever it took to try and make it work. He accepted it still may not work. 2 He demonstrated proof that he ended his A and would not want to turn back, 3. He offered up full transparency because he wanted to earn my trust. That is what I feel I needed. This is also why people here say when they are ready to come back, you will know without question. There is a change and shift in their attitude and you can feel it.

Hi Blu, I know you're totally right on this. It is also what aaaaalllll the books and podcasts say and also what my DB coach told me once she knew the extent of the situation--- in order to R and rebuild trust, etc., these elements need to be present. And I would agree with you that none are there today. No way. All three have potential right now, I would say, but I'm not counting on any of them. I'm still very much in wait-and-see mode. And I *sincerely* doubt he'll jump into this space next week (if he did I wouldn't believe it anyway). I would guess that it will take continued time and space.

I very much am feeling that I will want some sort of proof around his affair ending and how he intends to keep it that way, as well as full transparency on their communication channels and agreements on what might happen in the future if she reaches out, etc., but I also think we just aren't there yet and I'm OK with giving this all a bit more time, assuming it is going in this direction. Which it may not be. Right now, I want to continue to focus on cultivating my own stillness and sanity, and deciding when I know (OK, when I know what he decides to tell me) what happened this past week how I will want to respond.

That all being said, I do feel that the weight has shifted, both in terms of what he is saying specifically about the R as well as the interactions between us. I think it was on wayfarer's thread that there was a conversation about WHs being not quite themselves, like a photocopy of a photocopy, and the interactions with them being just a little off. I definitely felt this for a long time and over the last few months-- mostly in the last month-- this has really shifted to where I *see* my H again.

And for what it's worth, I was reflecting more on Wayward W's and oceangirl's posts, where it just takes so long and so many false starts for an A to really end, and the "closure" is usually just an excuse for another major dopamine hit. However, one way to view my sitch is that it has been going on for a very, very long time-- he started his A more than two years ago. The first year and a half I went through all the alien mean H stuff. The entirety of last year they have been "trying" to break it off-- this is breakup #7. So everything Wayward W and oceangirl are saying is probably very true in my sitch just like it is very true in everyone else's... it is just that maybe I'm a little farther along from where I sit today, not having experienced all that, because there was so much I didn't know. So while it seems all fresh and new to me and I'm sharing it like that, he's been trying unsuccessfully to end his A for over a year. He told me it is not fun to be with her this past year, really-- more painful and hard. Which I took at the time to mean because they were like Romeo and Juliet, star crossed lovers, so romantic with so much emotional energy-- and that is probably true. But maybe also their R has been dying a slow death. Who knows.

Originally Posted by Newbie20
I would believe every word of it and would cut him some slack.

Thanks, Newbie. I know that no matter what, he is going through an incredibly difficult time right now and even with everything that has happened, I have a lot of compassion for him (too much?) and do want to be supportive to the extent I can as we move forward. (Assuming he does what I want. Ha! Control freak again!) I think probably the best way to do this is to continue to give him space and work on myself without expecting too much, again assuming this all goes in the direction I hope it does.

He called twice more today, once to share something good that happened at a meeting (he specifically said I just wanted to call you to share this with you because it makes me so happy) and once to talk plans for this upcoming weekend. This recognition-- both how the incident made him feel as well as the ability to articulate that feeling-- plus calling me to tell me-- is a good thing for him, I think. And I was happy for him too.


Originally Posted by BluWave
I’m curious to see if your H can simply choose the right thing and follow through on it. That would be impressive.

Well, my H *never* wants to do anything the normal way and is probably the most stubborn person I've ever met. I do think once he chooses to do something he goes all in and will never admit a mistake, maybe similar to FS's H. So, maybe. (And also part of the reason I've been maybe more willing to slog through this ugly mess here rather than S and see where it goes, if anywhere, later, because I do feel it would be nearly impossible for him to ever admit a mistake as gigantic as this one could potentially be.)


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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He's back, May. Give him some compassion. Everyone makes mistakes. I say the first one they get a mulligan. If he's lying or you catch him talking to that AP again, he's tossed. Right?

I'm so happy for you and your family.

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May I just read through like all your thoughts just today. You’re so self possessed and aware of your million possible outcomes here. That kind of poise during this kind of hot a$$ mess is inspiring.

Originally Posted by AlisonUK
Perhaps you need to prepare for some kind of hang-over or crash next week? It happens to me like that sometimes. I use my emotional energy dealing with something with grace and maturity (or laying down some big 'I don't care' self protection boundaries) and as soon as the situation resolves itself, I get a kind of delayed *woosh* of anger and anxiety that I need to process and work through. I think it's the emotional equivalent of not feeling the pain of an injury until you've got yourself to a place of safety. I like Yail's suggestions for self care. Perhaps booking something in for sunday or monday would be a thing future May would thank you for.


Allison this is one of the truest things I’ve ever seen on here. I can definitely say I’ve had the hangover.

Originally Posted by may22
Hi Alison, That is a terrific suggestion and something I hadn't really thought about, but now that I do realize how true it will likely be for me. I was supposed to go to a baby shower Sunday and hadn't yet RSVPed because I was feeling reluctant about the whole idea but also guilty about skipping it, and I think now I'll just be able to skip it without feeling badly. Maybe I can schedule a massage or something. Also, I haven't been able to go to yoga all week with H out of town and I think ensuring I can go at least twice next week will be key.


This is what I love to see big plans for self care smile don’t ever forget saying no is self care!

Originally Posted by may22

I know that no matter what, he is going through an incredibly difficult time right now and even with everything that has happened, I have a lot of compassion for him (too much?) and do want to be supportive to the extent I can as we move forward. (Assuming he does what I want. Ha! Control freak again!) I think probably the best way to do this is to continue to give him space and work on myself without expecting too much, again assuming this all goes in the direction I hope it does.


I tell people who think I’m being too optimistic or zen all the time that because I am the way I am I’ve been prepared for either D or R from the beginning. I’m just trying to be empathetic to my H and not rush to the finish line. I think you have a great handle on your next step here. DBing until you find your end. You got this!

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May, you’re amazing. I think no matter what happens with your H, you will be fine. Your daughter will be fine because they have you. I’m rooting for you!


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Hi May, you're in my thoughts. I hope your H made a choice and will be transparent about it over the course of the weekend. I hope whatever you do in response to his choice or wishy-washiness, his transparency or lack thereof, you do with consideration and a clear conscience. You've worked courageously to save this marriage for your kids for so long. Happy Valentine's Day, DB'r with a big heart.


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May, I wish you all the patience in the world, which I think you've already got, clearly. You are amazing. And I hope you've got all the just-for-May truffles/bon-bons, etc. that Yali suggested tucked away and ready to enjoy, because no matter what, you deserve them.


T: 16 M:10
BD 6/2019
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