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A Message from Michele
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Re: Hitting My Stride III [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2885447
02/13/20 03:56 PM
02/13/20 03:56 PM
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TBSakaJ9 Offline OP
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TBSakaJ9  Offline OP
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What gets me is the anger and responding to my communication about our kids. I could understand if I was a mean and nasty husband or X husband but that is just not the case.

Things have kind of ramped up this week with the Doc. This week she has started to ask me to spend the night during the week and she doesn't care that her kid sees me in the evenings and in the mornings. Before I would always go over after her son was in bed, we do our thang, and then I would leave between 9 and 10. This week she invited me over on Sunday evening to spend the night and she did it again last night as well. She asked me to come over well before her son went to bed and I was still there this morning when he woke up. Her sister is coming in town tonight and Friday night she asked me sleep over also which will be the first time I am doing so with her sister present. Initially I just assumed I would sleep at my place however she told me that she no longer cares what her sister thinks.

I have my oldest tonight even though it is not my week with the girls. She has to be at school tomorrow morning at 5 for her choir trip and since I live about a mile from their school I told the X I would take her as it would be easier. She doesn't get back until 11 pm Friday night so it will be a very long day for her.

They also took the Doc's XH off the vent yesterday and I guess he was talking up a storm. He is still on 24 hr dialysis however it sounds like he is making progress. She is taking her son up to see his dad on Saturday morning. That is really good news!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Hitting My Stride III [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2885462
02/13/20 05:07 PM
02/13/20 05:07 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,835
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Maika Offline
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I totally get the anger and responsive to communications, or lack thereof. I don't know why, but my speculation is that they are not happy they have to deal with us and they'd rather us be buried in the past. Also, they haven't spent the time doing internal work and are still projecting their anger rather than looking inwards. I stayed the hell out of the way of my exW's anger for like 2 years basically, and I am still getting that from her. At this point it doesn't faze me and it's just emotional immaturity.

I don't get it in the sense that they got exactly what they wanted, and still pissed off about it.

Good to hear that Doc's XH is doing better. Sounds like you and doc are in a really good routine now with the changes in how you spend evenings together.


No one is coming to save you!

Re: Hitting My Stride III [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2885465
02/13/20 05:23 PM
02/13/20 05:23 PM
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TBSakaJ9 Offline OP
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I just don't understand the anger, that is what baffles me the most. I got lazy as a husband in many ways, guilty, I admit it. That said it wasn't like I was a dead beat either. I am the breadwinner, always helped with the kids, I have worked for the same company for 20 plus years, never unemployed, wasn't out at bars, etc. etc.

Even with our D I took the car with the highest payment on it since I make more money, I let her take our youngest kid to claim for tax purposes, I did not screw her on any of our financial split as I always paid our bills (she had no clue what we had, she only cared if her debt card worked). I could have definitely not given her share as she had no idea. I helped her move from our house, to her apt, and then to her condo. My off weeks with the girls I still help out, like tonight my oldest is staying with me. I keep her informed of their games, practices. I pay my CS support on time even give her a portion of it early. I went and bought my youngest shoes for her choir trip that were $50. I don't make her pay half on that kind of stuff. So I am not being a jerk, it just makes no sense. Why you have to be so angry and short with me. I could go on it just is something I will never understand.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Hitting My Stride III [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2885469
02/13/20 05:55 PM
02/13/20 05:55 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,716
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kml Offline
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She's angry because HER life did not turn out to be all butterflies and unicorns and meanwhile YOU have the doctor and are financially solvent.

About her finances - does she have enough to live on? Is her getting more money out of you going to enable her to waste more money on junk? If so, then I would stand firm. You could put that extra money into college funds for the girls.

If, on the other hand, the truth is she doesn't make enough money to live on and her boyfriend can't contribute (you're not supporting him too I hope?) then you could always decide to pay for more of the girls' expenses or send them home with groceries.

Re: Hitting My Stride III [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2885470
02/13/20 06:03 PM
02/13/20 06:03 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
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kml Offline
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(My ex is apparently still mad at me and HE was the one who cheated and left. Our divorce settlement was very ordinary and fair. He makes twice what I do.I don't bad mouth him and haven't given him a moment's trouble since he left. But apparently pretending to be 20 years younger with his new young bride and dumping all the adult kid responsibilities on me hasn't cured his deep underlying unhappiness and somehow that's my fault.)

Re: Hitting My Stride III [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2885472
02/13/20 06:08 PM
02/13/20 06:08 PM
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TBSakaJ9 Offline OP
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That is the only thing I can think as I really, honestly, do not mess with her in any way. That also goes with pursuing as well, zilch, nothing, nada.

The only money I give her is what I owe her in CS each month. She gets nothing more or less outside of when I pick incidental things like shoes which I don't ask her to give me half. The only thing I do make her or enforce her splitting with me is the medical bills. There are times when I also will just send her half my share if I know she paid for something that technically should be shared.

She should have plenty of money live on, roughly 4k per month. My CS essentially covers the majority of her mortgage which I think leaves her to pay about $400 out of her pocket. She also has no car payment as she paid it off right after our D. That leaves monthly utilities, groceries, entertainment, and any other monthly bills she has like car insurance, etc. She also had no credit card debt either when we got D'd but I guess since then has maxed them out (whatever cards she has).

Budgeted properly she should have no issue.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Hitting My Stride III [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2885473
02/13/20 06:12 PM
02/13/20 06:12 PM
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TBSakaJ9 Offline OP
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And she new full and well what kind of person I am and what she was turning lose on the open market. What did she think was going to happen? That I wouldn't meet and be with a quality woman that was successful?

It's just mind boggling.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Hitting My Stride III [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2885474
02/13/20 06:12 PM
02/13/20 06:12 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,165
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AndrewP Offline
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I think that the anger is that the life she's living isn't the life she imagined. This reminds me of our old friend Gordie's situation where his wife changed her mind when she realized that all of the comforts she was used to would go away if she left. She had imagined that he would support both her and OM.

I think a lot of our ex-spouses don't really think through the implications of their actions and are surprised when reality jumps up and they are obliged to "adult".


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Hitting My Stride III [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2885475
02/13/20 06:13 PM
02/13/20 06:13 PM
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Maika Offline
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As kml pointed out, it could be because she sees you have got your life together and she doesn't in some ways. Or it could be that she's still mad about whatever her grievances are about the marriage. You won't know unless you point blank ask her and at this point, the ship has sailed far beyond that.

As far as I can see, it's all internal stuff that they haven't dealt with. They can point the fingers at the other person all that they want, but until they figure out the part they played in the M not working out, the other person is the easy target to unload anger etc.


No one is coming to save you!

Re: Hitting My Stride III [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2885477
02/13/20 06:34 PM
02/13/20 06:34 PM
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TBSakaJ9 Offline OP
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Makes sense, I don't think it was bad for her early on because she her half of our money. She had her portion of our house equity and I know she made 2 withdraws from her portion of what she got from my (although it was joint) 401.

I know one for sure because I helped her walk through it when she did it. Not my idea but it was her money.

Then, many months later, I saw a large Fidelity envelope on her porch so I am pretty sure she did it again.

My guess she with drew probably close to everything she got that the plan would allow her to withdraw.

If she burnt through all that money then wow but it wouldn't shock me.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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