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Last thing he just texted me when we were discussing a home repair was, “I feel like you should make the house decisions”. I know he wants me to read this as, since he’s moving out the house is mine to make the decisions. Not sure what to respond.

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Originally Posted by Rosy10
Last thing he just texted me when we were discussing a home repair was, “I feel like you should make the house decisions”. I know he wants me to read this as, since he’s moving out the house is mine to make the decisions. Not sure what to respond.


Not sure of the nature of the decisions you're talking about and what the money implications are, but unless you're burdening him with a lot of costs then I would go ahead and make the decisions yourself and proceed. I understand your concern that he thought you were too controlling before, but he's checked out now and you can't fix that in the relationship for now. Plus you've got to consider how much of that is really just rewriting of history. Were you really controlling or were you just stepping up because he wasn't? Right now he's looking for any ammo he can to use against you, even if it's completely fabricated or exaggerated.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander

Not sure of the nature of the decisions you're talking about and what the money implications are, but unless you're burdening him with a lot of costs then I would go ahead and make the decisions yourself and proceed. I understand your concern that he thought you were too controlling before, but he's checked out now and you can't fix that in the relationship for now. Plus you've got to consider how much of that is really just rewriting of history. Were you really controlling or were you just stepping up because he wasn't? Right now he's looking for any ammo he can to use against you, even if it's completely fabricated or exaggerated.


Right, I’m not even a controlling person or great decision maker by nature - I was definitely just stepping up since he didn’t in the past. I agree, he’s looking for fuel to the fire.

Having a rough day today. Feel down and lonely. H referred to the study as his bedroom today and I went to the basement to do laundry and just sat against the washer and cried. I don’t want him to see me crying.

This week was relatively uneventful. Last night, H came home from his second job (he has a part time evening job apart from his 9-5) and seemed somewhat down and subdued. I went to bed right as he came home. He showered and then woke me up kissing me in bed. Just leaning over me and kissing me. Not sure if he was hoping for sex or not or what that was about. He stopped and then went downstairs to the study to sleep.

I’ve been debating the sex issue lately. I have caved a few times and had sex with him the last few months. Definitely seems cyclical like every 3 weeks he’s interested. I never initiate. I realize he is likely just using me when he’s horny and that really hurts. He often apologizes after sex too. But it’s hard for me to decline because having sex seems (artificially I know) like a temporary return to normalcy in our M. If I start refusing him altogether, it’s one less thing tying us together. I don’t even know how to broach the subject of feeling used in sex. Stop him when he’s making an advance? Initiate a conversation about it?

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Originally Posted by Rosy10
Feel down and lonely.

Hi Rosy, you're definitely NOT alone in feeling alone after losing your partner of many years. ((Hugs)) I'd write more, but have a dinner to serve for two growing foodies/critics. wink

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Originally Posted by Rosy10
But it’s hard for me to decline because having sex seems (artificially I know) like a temporary return to normalcy in our M. If I start refusing him altogether, it’s one less thing tying us together. I don’t even know how to broach the subject of feeling used in sex. Stop him when he’s making an advance? Initiate a conversation about it?

First and foremost you have to decide if you want to have sex even knowing that it doesn't mean much with respect to reconciliation. If yes, there's not much to talk about. If no, then yes when he makes an advance is probably the time to tell him you're really turned on but only will if----xxxx----whatever your terms are. Maybe also consider what your terms were the first time you two were intimate.


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Thank you, CWarrior. Seems like I just need to decide and keep my boundaries in regards to being physical.

I haven't been on here in over a week since things have been picking up at work. For the last few months, it seemed like things with H were trending up (he would occasionally show affection, say nice things, etc) but he seems to have pulled back again. He's not talking or texting me as much (I'm still working to not initiate) and is overall more withdrawn and on his phone constantly. He seemed a moody like he'd been around BD so I half expected him to come out and tell me he was having an A last night and my reaction would be "Yeah, not surprised."

Felt frustrated with trying to GAL this past weekend. H went for a hike, didn't tell me with whom or where and was gone about 8 hours. I didn't ask any questions or act like I cared. I stayed home with the baby, which was okay becuase I could relax but it was also a little lonely. I tried to meet up with friends while he was gone but they already had plans and it would not have worked for me to come with baby. I did join an app to try to meet more mom friends in the area (not something that I would usually do so proud of myself here)

I overall was feeling very angry torward H this past week. What kind of sorry excuse for a spouse does this to his wife. He's also acting like a 15 year old constantly on his phone and avoiding responsiblities such as car and house maintanance. For example, his plate tags have been expired for over 6 months and he has yet to renew them. This would be something I would generally keep gently reminding him about but I just ignore it. And I hope he gets a ticket. smile

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Journaling... Did not see H much this past week and weekend due to his work schedule. 98% sure he lied and said he had to work his part time job on Friday night but went out instead. Even made up a generic statement about how it was on Friday. And to think one of the things I've always admired most about him was his honesty...

Feel like I've been grieving the loss of our MR and the H he has alot the last week. H really hasn't been himself for 2 years. I'm still grappling with not having that "person" to rely on, talk to, move forward confidently in life with. Friends and family just see us as a normal couple and it's embarrassing when they ask me questions or make assupmtions that we will do things together when I don't know the answer and I don't know how things will be a few months from now. I've read in other people's threads that it's better not to talk to anyone about your situation and perhaps even that the less people know your spouse wants to D, the less likely they are to follow through with it, so I've been maintaining this facade of a normal M to most people we know.

Trying to stay in the mindest that I don't need to put MY life on hold just becuase of him. For example, I want to take my daughter on a vacation this summer and I will move forward with planning whether he wants to come or not. It's been a big leap for me to realize that I can be happy even if my M is not in a good place.

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Got on here to rant because I’m feeling angry and having a hard time keeping it to myself.

One of the main reasons H told me we need to separate was because of his new feelings on kids. When we got married, before we got married, we always said we would have multiple kids and were both enthusiastic about one day being parents. H was ready for kids after 1 year of M, I delayed it due to career reasons which he seemed understanding of at the time. When I finally got pregnant with our daughter, following a few years of fertility struggles and a loss, H wasn’t happy because he felt I had called the shot about when we got pregnant. He wasn’t excited about the baby and made me feel like trash. You hear stories of most H being happy and supportive and catering to their W’s food cravings, but H didn’t want to talk about the baby or pregnancy in general. Even when we watched TV if he saw a pregnant woman, he’d change the channel. In a few months, he became more accepting of the pregnancy but told me he “didn’t want to go through this again” and so now only wanted one child. He also told me he would take permanent measures to only ensure he had one child as well.

So now, he is head over heels with our daughter but of course still says he only wants one child ( and now is planning on leaving me anyway). One of my siblings just announced another pregnancy which is causing him to keep mentioning how he only wants one child and I just felt triggered. I’m so angry that he tainted my pregnancy experience and now wants to leave me. This is the same man who was pushing me to seek fertility treatment a few years ago and was ecstatic with my first pregnancy (which we lost).

I’m angry that he’s such a different person from who I married. I don’t want him to alter my life negatively any more than he’s done already. I’m not sure where the sweet, fun man I married went.

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Rosy,

I am sorry you're going through what you are. I too am wondering what happened to the person I married. Someone I've always known to be all about family (so much so that she would never say she wanted anything for birthday/Christmas/etc. except to be with her family). Now, after our daughter, she's completely different.

Even though I've been trying to save the marriage (by working on me now), it's hard difficult to even like the person she is now, most of the time. I can't imagine how much harder it probably is for you, since he has had a A (my W has not, as far as I know).

If you figure anything out on GAL with a little one, let me know. I have a two year old, and it's very difficult because I am torn between spending time with her the 2-3 hours we have each night, and trying to go out and do things for me (I consider spending time with her as doing something for me too!). I'm especially at a loss now that everything is closed. I ended up going for a walk at about 11:30 last night just to get some exercise in.

Hang in there.

Last edited by CaptainN; 03/19/20 03:29 PM.
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Originally Posted by CaptainN


Even though I've been trying to save the marriage (by working on me now), it's hard difficult to even like the person she is now, most of the time. I can't imagine how much harder it probably is for you, since he has had a A (my W has not, as far as I know).

If you figure anything out on GAL with a little one, let me know. I have a two year old, and it's very difficult because I am torn between spending time with her the 2-3 hours we have each night, and trying to go out and do things for me (I consider spending time with her as doing something for me too!). I'm especially at a loss now that everything is closed. I ended up going for a walk at about 11:30 last night just to get some exercise in.

Hang in there.


Thanks, Captain. I feel similar, the man my H is now is not the sweet, loyal man I married. It’s difficult for me to like him as he is now. Sometimes, a glimpse of his old personality peaks through and it’s hard not to see it as refreshing.

It truly is hard to GAL with a young child. I’ve been trying to connect with other moms in my city using an app. Before BD, when my H started being a jerk and was going out a lot and I was expressing that I was sad he was doing so, he made a comment that he wished I had more friends. Those words keep ringing in my head and it would be nice to have some other people to relate to, so that is one way I’m working on GAL at the moment. Hoping to eventually have a meet up with new friends and can take the baby!

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