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Hi Yail,

So excited for your tattoo day. I wish we had photos here so we could see it. I'm sure it is going to be amazing.

You are really an inspiration for so many of us here, Yail. I hope you wake up to a beautiful snowy day with plowed roads and a smooth cozy drive to brunch, a beautiful breakfast with your SIL where you laugh a ton and drink too many coffees and maybe a mimosa or two to go along with your extra cinnamon roll. That the artwork is beyond what you had hoped and it looks even better on your skin than on paper. That the rest of your weekend just builds from there.

xx May


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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I hope it is an amazing day Yail!!! You totally deserve it!!! (((HUGS)))

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Go Yail !!!!

Wish we could post pics here and your tattoo day sounds amazing.

Should you be excited about breakfast? Man, I'm excited for your breakfast.


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

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Good luck with the tatt! I didn't get my first one until after D and now I have full arm and leg sleeves, LOL! It's hard to stop at one smile


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Get it girl!!! I just got caught up on your thread - sorry about the nasty flu! No fun at all. Sickness always puts me in the dumps emotionally too. I'm glad it seemed to turn around for you. Your tattoo sounds ahhhhmazing! I hope the artist's rendering is more than you could have imagined. I didn't know that you love video games. I'm a huge gamer myself and your snow day sounds like my "perfect day" haha. Fingers crossed for an amazing weekend with your SIL and lots of laughs.

KG


LBW 32 - me
WW 31
T 7 M 4
No Kids
4 dogs

Separated 1y
Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
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It's done!! It's beautiful! I have the cutest thigh in all of (my town)!

It's really a pretty big blizzard out there. SIL braved it without even blinking, and off we went this morning for some breakfast. Whoops. The place we wanted to go was closed due to blizzard. Darn, no cinnamon rolls today. So we went to a great diner instead and I ate sooooo many carbs. Yum.

SIL insisted on paying despite my displeasure and desire to treat her. Next time. When the other restaurant is open we will just have to go again. I also promised I'd make her some homemade cinnamon rolls in addition.

Tattoo parlor was indeed open despite half of town being closed (I was scrolling through my social media feed looking at all the businesses that didn't open). Love those women. Bad @$$ women who won't disappoint their clients. If I ever get another tattoo I will not go anywhere else. I absolutely chose the right studio and artist.

Very minimal changes to the design proposed to me. One placement adjustment. It's probably about 4''x 6'' with roses, poppies, and lavender. My favorites, each with very specific meaning to me. Also flowers I have/will again grow myself. Black and white with very thin/light lines and subtle shading on the flowers and darker shading/fill-in on the greenery.

Turns out tattoos don't really hurt - and I had a great location for low pain. The first 2.5 hours were a breeze. SIL and I were happily chatting away while artist worked and preferred to stay largely silent for focus. The last 15 minutes (2 hrs 45 min total) were rough as final shading was being done over areas that were hot. I knew we were almost done and was getting antsy.

If we didn't have a blizzard I would have suggested SIL hang out more, but I wanted her to get home safely as it's snowing at a pretty intense rate, and every 30 minutes is a lot. She's home safe, I'm home safe, and I'm enjoying a glass of wine before making some dinner and maybe/hopefully playing those video games.

Today I'm really good. I love the work that was done. I feel sexy, like this tattoo was meant to be part of my body. It complements my curves and is feminine while still being a sizable (therefore kinda bad @$$) tattoo. I've shared so many photos via text to friends. I'm excited for it to fully heal and watch it settle.

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Originally Posted by FlySolo
You never talk about XW anymore and I guess this is partly because she is no longer a presence in your life (something you feared for a long time) and nor do you need her to be. You were forced to cross that bridge (she moved away) and found that there was nothing to fear.


FS posted this on her thread yesterday (feels like 4 days ago) and it has been turning around in my head since then. I didn't want to hijack, so I'm addressing it here on my own thread.

First of all, she's totally correct. Absolutely. I've said as much in past posts. But there's something else there, and that's what I'm trying to to suss out. Why did this catch my eye and make me cock my head? I can't figure out exactly what it was that FS touched on that made me pause.

In my real life, I intentionally mention XW's name here or there. In passing, nothing in depth. "Oh yes, XW and I visited that place once a few years ago". I do this in a conscious effort to not sweep our 10 year history under the rug. To prove that it existed, that it mattered. To remind my own brain to not rewrite history. To make my family feel I don't hate her, because I don't want them to. I don't want to talk about her in those moments, but I figure the best thing to do is just not ignore her, and mention her name in passing. It comes out casual and calm, but in my mind it is still forced.

I should mention too that I never told my family that she had an affair. I have kept that private and told only a couple of friends. Not even my best friend though. In the event that XW ever comes back into my life that is my issue to deal with - not theirs.

I don't want to talk about her because I don't want to admit or think about where she is in her life. With my limited knowledge and a whole lot of speculation (and zero sleuthing now) I believe she is engaged to OW - or at least with her, and her kids - working a job in a different town. Who knows what else is true or not true or happening or not happening. I honestly don't know, so in some ways I'm frozen in this space where the only thing I "know" (think I know) is the last bit of information I had, perhaps 5-6 months ago. That is the perpetual state of being in my mind. I couldn't tell you if she is genuinely in a good place in her life or still struggling with some things she struggled with while we were together. I have no idea.

There are a lot of flashbacks that happen when I think about OW. About XW denying denying denying that anything was happening. A lot of specifics I don't want to relive and write here.

So when I think about XW I try to only think about the good parts with the first 9 years - but I also don't have rose colored glasses and think back to the really great parts. Mostly I just remember the mundane, and those parts that I really loved. I refuse to accept that last year as our story. Because if I ever see her again I don't want to be angry, though I am. I don't want to only think that we ever had bad times. I think about her quite often. Sometimes I imagine her walking through the front door of my apartment and wonder what emotions I would feel. Mostly anger, and a desire to keep her out of my space. She doesn't belong here and this is only Yail's life in these walls. She doesn't get to come into my space if I can't know hers.

I'm different around women in my life now. I have a couple of lesbian friends that while they aren't BFFs the fact that they're queer means something a little extra to me. My closest friends I'm different with. I insist on talking about those taboo subjects that were never discussed in the pre-separation Yail: finances, relationships, sex life (solo and/or partnered), divorce, life plans, family issues. I want only authentic communication about real life, because real life slapped me in the face and I want to face it head-on, not dance around it. I know now that everyone has these issues behind closed doors, and I want them to feel that my door is always open.

I don't know if I got anywhere in this post. I just feel this need to explore it, and to think openly about why I don't talk about XW.

It is still self-preservation which lives alongside some genuine moving-on. Even after all the boxes are checked, and our D is final and we have each chosen the life to live solo - I still feel she is mine. She is still my W, my partner, and probably the person who can hurt me more than anyone else in life. And even while I try to not speculate or snoop or make any assumptions about where she is in her life - the one thing I do know deep down is that she shut the door between us (in part) for me. She did it so I could move on and heal in my own time and in my own way without additional hurt from her choices. Also for her, but I am sure some of it is also for me. That part I am quite certain of.



Last edited by Yail; 02/09/20 10:54 PM.
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Ahhhh a lovely Tuesday. It was BFF's bday last week, and tonight we celebrated at my apartment with a special dinner.

She said she'd like a cheese board, so that's what I did. BFF loves food as much as I do. 4 local high end cheeses (brie, bleu, manchego, goat). Prosciutto, salami, maple pecans, mixed olives, fresh (homemade today by Yail) garlic naan, dates, crackers, grapes. A very nice Californian red blend for wine.

So a couple of hours on the couch nibbling away with wine and snacks. Then we had the beef bourguignon (crock-pot version) I had made, with horseradish mashed potatoes and green beans.

In a not-so-humble moment I'd like to just say that I am an excellent cook and quite proud of myself. Future dates will be charmed AF by my kitchen prowess.

We were stuffed by 9PM when she left.

So much good conversation though. About life and relationships, and how we feel when they end. The process we go through. How we approach relationships when we are in them, especially after a D or break-up. What are our non-negotiables in a new R?. Talks about sex drive and being women, talks about being straight vs gay (BFF is straight). Talks about where I see myself romantically in 2 years or 5 years. Talks about BFF and her partner and how they are growing in their relationship, and the wonders of their parenthood.

Hysterical laughing as we discussed lesbian sex vs straight sex (the laughter was around my fears of getting back into dating, that I am somehow "out of touch" (no pun) with queer dating) and what a dialogue around safe-sex means for different folks. BFF has been partnered for a long time so has the LTR mentality, whereas I am just emerging from that mentality and find myself in new territory.

Lots of laughing about my work-crush and how insanely inappropriate it is, and how funny it is that it's this great secret that no one knows for professional reasons. But shhhhhh don't tell anyone - my work crush is a hottie with a killer smile and a vibe that [censored] you in. she's a dangerous woman that one. Good thing I'm on to her game, and can (mostly) stay away.

Talks about family, and class, and education, and just all around LIFE. It was soul-feeding, and I am feeling so appreciative for this night.

I should put the Port away. It is, in fact, only Wednesday tomorrow - I should probably go to bed and prepare for work in the AM. But I'd much rather stay here on the boards and chill with you folks.

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^^^ Best censor ever^^^


Clearly we can not ever discuss vacuuming on the forum, or we would also be censored.

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mmmmmm. Can you post your naan recipe? I have been thinking about it ever since a few weeks ago you mentioned maybe baking some! That all sounds soooo amazing. Do you live near a Costco? Mine is carrying this amazing truffled pate and incredibly priced chacuterie and cheeses... definitely recommend checking it out if you live near one.

That sounds like the perfect evening with your BFF. I'm so glad for you. One question -- did you and your BFF always talk so openly about sex? or is just since you've been more in touch with this side of yourself? One of my best friends came over for dinner last night too (although I hadn't been shopping in awhile so had to make do with a not-so-great instapot chicken cacciatore) and we talked about how weird it was that so many people never talk about sex or infidelity or any of these important human experiences with their friends because... we don't know. But she was divorced about three years ago and thought she didn't like sex... and now realizes no, she just didn't like sex with her selfish husband. I have lived quite vicariously through her adventures this past year and I love that these are things we can finally talk about. Anyway, was just wondering if you'd always had those kind of convos with your BFF or if it was something new.

Originally Posted by Yail
Clearly we can not ever discuss vacuuming on the forum, or we would also be censored.

haha.... KG (I think it was KG) and I did share our love for our respective cordless vacuums.

If my kids were in bed I'd open a bottle of something special and join you here... but I really should be spending time with them and not on my computer. Enjoy your evening... somehow, your posts always really boost my mood. Thank you.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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