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kiro #2883910 02/04/20 10:51 AM
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Originally Posted by kiro
Originally Posted by IHCLACS
Wow. Hey Kiro. You are a name and a sich I haven't seen or read since I first got here a year ago. Hope everything is good with you and life. Sounds like you are on the up and up.


Yea.. I don't come here very often anymore b/c I don't have much to offer and don't have anything more to learn about the topics discussed here...

I used to give advice to others, but I can't really do this anymore... Although many siches look alike, people are different and stories can take different paths. It's almost like trying to predict someone's free will. Even God doesn't try to guess what each person will choose to do.


Those are all really good valid observations and points. It's kind of along same reasons why my post got shorter and shorter practically down to nothing. So many variables when it comes to emotional logical financial circumstantial legal practical mental and compatibility reasons, set this place although full of outstanding advice I notice it becomes more about coping and taking your own direction and decision on what you can control yourself. it's basically a big think tank of ideas and trying what may or may not work with no guarantees or standard of template. As I mentioned to someone in another post there is no one-size-fits-all. It's so funny how we come here and read each other stitches, and find the same patterns in most of them though, And how we can also almost exactly relate to them and be like WTH? I try to focus more on the success stories on people that were successful at saving themselves and their own lives independently, since that's all we can control

kiro #2883916 02/04/20 01:03 PM
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Originally Posted by kiro
Back then, I had no idea what 2 or 3 years would feel like. Well, now I can say that it's a VERY VERY long time to put our life on hold waiting for someone else to make up their mind... it's definitely not worth it...

Anyway, we'll see how I feel in a few years when it will be 7 years laugh


Hey Kiro! For me, the more time that passes the more it all seems like a distant memory. At the time it seemed like it dragged on and on like the worst kind of limbo, but after D my "new normal" just became my "normal" and it all kind of faded away. Not sure if it's the same for everyone! Glad to hear you are doing well smile


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
kiro #2883919 02/04/20 02:02 PM
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Glad to hear you are doing well. Sounds like you and gf have things pretty figured out. I hope it works out for you. (((HUGS)))


Me 53
H 48
B/G Twins 13
SD 21
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

kiro #2885098 02/12/20 01:38 AM
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Journaling...

I was thinking what would I have done if I was the one who wanted to leave my W when I was married? How would I have handled it?

This is a big IF of course... but with some imagination, I could imagine what it would have been like.

First, I wouldn't have left except in 1 of 3 scenarios:

1. I was truly miserable and the need to leave was my only option to save my sanity and find happiness again.

2. I wasn't necessarily miserable but was bored. Then I started thinking about the limitless possibilities in life. Why not take a chance and try something new?

3. I fell into some sort of EA or PA


How I would behave would probably depend which scenario I'm in. However, it's difficult to imagine being in the 1st scenario after such a long marriage. If I was truly miserable, personally, I wouldn't have lasted 17 years.

This leaves scenarios 2 & 3. In both cases, I would know deep inside that I was the one who wanted to leave. My W didn't do anything to trigger it. I'm the one who wanted something different.

SCENARIO 2

In scenario 2, this couldn't have happened over night. This would have needed a long time feeling empty and bored before deciding to do something about it.

Probably, I would first try to talk to W about how I was feeling. But she doesn't get it. She keeps talking about the same things she wanted from me. She gets defensive and thinks I'm criticizing her instead of understanding me and listening to me.

After failing to talk to her, I would start experimenting new things: new activities, new hobbies, new friends, new food, new places, etc. And at the same time, I would avoid doing more of the same old things, so spending less time with W, kids, family, etc.

I would be hoping that W would understand and support me. But she probably would be upset I wasn't spending time with her and not helping her at home. So she would lash out and spoil my plans...

I would be moody. I would think a lot, be evasive, distant, pensive, etc. I may become more irritable. I would be searching for answers. I'd read a lot on the topic, I'd ask people, I'd listen to podcasts, etc.

And then, at some point, I wouldn't be able to avoid the thought of leaving and trying something new. At first, I'd brush it away, but the thought would keep coming back.

Then, one day, the inevitable happens. W would push me over the edge and I would lose my mind and explode. I would find myself suddenly dropping the EB and say that I had had enough and wanted a separation.

After saying it, I would be confused but decide to hold my grounds since I'd said it already. To save face, I would look for arguments to justify my decision. Since anyway, she hadn't noticed what I had been going through, there was no point trying to explain how I felt. She didn't get it. She didn't help me. She failed to make me happy. So it must all be her fault.

The more she would push me, beg me, pursue me, the more I'd move away and the harder I would try to find new arguments to blame her.

I would start focusing on all the negativity in our R to justify my decision. I would ignore anything positive. I would dig deep in my memory to find all the times she did something wrong or she hurt me. I would start listing all these negatives.

When I'm alone, I'd have a guilty conscience about what I did. My mind would keep going back and forth... What if I was wrong? Should I keep going? Should I go back? I'd start giving mixed signals.

I would be in a lot of pain and confusion. This pain and the confusion would be added to my already existing feeling of unhappiness and emptiness.

I'd want to stop these feelings at any cost. So I decide to distance myself more and more, to detach from W, to spend time away from home & family... I'd start focusing on new possibilities. I'd make stories in my mind, fantasies about how it would be like in the future...

I'd convince myself that I can block it all out. I can stop thinking about it. I can move on. This phase of my life is over. All I need to do is close this book and never open it again.

And I'd try to stay busy to avoid the guilt to creep back into my mind... And what better way than to work on my new future. I'd start planning for my future by putting money aside, looking for a new place, new friends, etc.


Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14
BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017
Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
kiro #2885102 02/12/20 01:56 AM
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Continued...

And before I know it, I already have 1 foot out the door.

Deep inside, I know what I did. I know I was unfair and that I made up stories. I know that my MR wasn't that bad. I know W isn't bad.

But I also know that I cannot take back everything I said. In other words, I already ruined it. There is no way she would forgive me.

I have doubts. I am not sure if I'd truly be happier when I leave, but after everything that I'd said and done, it would be dumb not to try. W seems desperate anyway. If I change my mind down the road, she'd take me back in a beat.


I'm excited about my new life and this gives me a new energy. Friends and colleagues see the change in me. They compliment me and encourage me. This gives me confidence that I'm doing the right thing. Maybe, some other women even flirt with me. It feels good and exciting...

It's an adrenaline rush... I can't stop it...

Somehow, I have become selfish. I'm only thinking about myself, but I can't help it. And so what? I've given so much to others in the past. I've sacrificed myself so much. It's ok to live my life.

MR is over anyway. Thinking about it only causes pain to both of us. We might as well get a D and end it before it gets worse. I need to get her off my back...

It's a rollercoaster. Once I got on it, it's difficult to come off.

W keeps thinking so rationally. She keeps bringing up old memories from MR and talking about the kids. What's wrong with her? How has she become so dependent? Doesn't she have any imagination? Why can't she move on?

It's actually for her own good that I need to stay away and avoid any contact with her... But I'll help her if she needs because I am still a good person.


Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14
BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017
Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
kiro #2885105 02/12/20 02:04 AM
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That's what I would probably do if I was the WAS smile


Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14
BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017
Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
kiro #2885181 02/12/20 02:57 PM
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Wow Kiro. That was difficult for me to read. Especially the last part - “I’ll help her if she needs me because I’m still a good person.”

My H said to me when we were talking about D, “you will probably get xx amount for alimony, but if you still need help, I of course will help you.” Like he was a godsend who’s so fcking admirable for extending a helping hand to me in a hypothetical D situation....

All I can say it’s totally delusional.

I appreciate you sharing your imagination with us. What purpose did this little exercise serve for you?


BD: Sep 2019
D in progress
kiro #2885186 02/12/20 03:20 PM
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Kiro, my H ended up in EA that became a PA but this all started with scenario 2. I could feel it starting in Spring of 19, but he'd never talk about it. No matter what I asked or how I asked it he wouldn't talk to me about it and blamed it on work, stress, literally anything but him or our R. Every single thing you wrote is exactly how all of this has been going down, except I will not bring up old memories with him. He can't see our MR as it really was any way. There's no point in trying to correct him. But this is so accurate and it's absolutely soul crushing.

wooba #2885204 02/12/20 04:34 PM
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Originally Posted by wooba
Wow Kiro. That was difficult for me to read. Especially the last part - “I’ll help her if she needs me because I’m still a good person.”

I'm so sorry Wooba. I felt bad after putting a smiley on my last message b/c I know this is a painful topic for everyone here including myself.

Originally Posted by wooba
My H said to me when we were talking about D, “you will probably get xx amount for alimony, but if you still need help, I of course will help you.” Like he was a godsend who’s so fcking admirable for extending a helping hand to me in a hypothetical D situation....

All I can say it’s totally delusional.

I'm sorry to hear that... I truly feel your pain. It's been almost 3 years for me and it hasn't been easy.

Originally Posted by wooba
I appreciate you sharing your imagination with us. What purpose did this little exercise serve for you?

This is the most complex human behavior topic I have ever witnessed. Although I have moved on with my life, sometimes I can't stop my mind from thinking about it again.

I think what is missing in my sitch and in many others I guess is closure. I don't know if this exercise served anything in particular. Usually, whenever I think about what happened, I analyze how each of us behaved before and after BD. It's my way for trying to understand.

Yesterday, for the 1st time, I asked myself a different question: How would I have behaved if I was the one who wanted to leave? Writing my thoughts helps me get it out, so my mind doesn't go crazy in endless loops thinking about it.


Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14
BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017
Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
kiro #2885212 02/12/20 04:59 PM
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K,

I really enjoy your posts and wish you posted more. Yesterday I was leaving my son’s basketball game and I left alone while my son and daughter wants to ex’s. Getting into the car I started to get angry because I couldn’t talk to my son about the game and I went home alone. I’m trying to empathize will her decision but find it difficult. I have listened to some podcasts on Midlife Transitioning and realized this is more then just a snap decision on her part. There are hormones and brain chemicals in play. I guess the disappointment comes in the fact that I picked a weak person who was not willing to exhaust all options before breaking up my family.

Keep posting.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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