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S1 is now S2! I hosted a big birthday bash on the weekend for him. He is such a loved and loving little boy.

STBXH took advantage of this special occasion to finally address my response to his parenting plan amendments. His email was hostile, demanding, accusatory, and threatening. Unnecessarily so, I thought, given how measured and reasonable my email was. My L even commended me for how child-focused it was.

Here are the key sections. Keep in mind that family law in Australia is more conservative than the US, recommending children under 4 live with their primary caregiver and spend substantial and significant time with the other parent. It's expected that children will transition to infrequent but regular overnight stays between 2-3 years old.

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STBXH: I would like to have S2 overnight this weekend as it is my weekend and I would like to celebrate his birthday with him. You have had him all weekend last weekend, it is only fair that I get him to celebrate the same amount of time.


He forfeited this visitation time last weekend to attend a car race in another state. I don't think I need to change the current parenting plan to accommodate.

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Me: Happy to extend Tuesday visit to include dinner and bath to give you the opportunity to participate in his evening routine and get him acclimatised to your house.

STBXH: If Tuesday visit is to be extended it is in S2's best interest to stay overnight here, building a routine of becoming familiar with his fathers environment, not alienated.


Accusations of parental alienation are unfounded as I have never deviated from the current parenting plan. STBXH has forfeited time on a near-weekly basis. I am willing to transition to overnight visits in a manner that ensures S2 feels safe and supported given he has only spent one night away from home in his life. S2 has not yet 'officially' spent any of his visitation time at STBXH's house. I'm happy to work with him to achieve this, but I need to know his address first.

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Me: I agree to one weekend that includes an overnight stay per month. As you have not shared your address, I agree on the basis that the overnight takes place at MIL or SIL's place.

STBXH: You are trying to be overcontrolling and manipulative by not letting him stay at my house. I am his parent, his father and one of his legal guardians, if I wish him to stay at my house so be it. How dare you try and take my rights away from me. You may ask where he is staying and I will let you know. You are not welcome at my house.


Children have rights, parents have responsibilities. There are no rights to take away. And the idea that I want to be anywhere near his house is laughable.

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STBXH: We are both equal parents and if you want equality to stand it is not a pick and choose scenario. Either be equal and fair about things or give up on equality. You preach it only when it benefits you.


I don't want equality. I want what's best for S2. I have no idea what exactly he is referring to here. I have never been unfair or self-centred in any of my decisions throughout this process. I have always put S2 first in everything I do, unlike STBXH.

He ended by telling me he will go for 50% custody with alternating weeks if I don't agree. "Your choice", he said.

Sigh. My L also informed me that he has retained legal counsel regarding the consent orders so there will likely be further negotiation.

Feeling like I was so close to being settled and now the cat's amongst the pigeons. Just need to remain patient and calm.


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Scout

The custody issue was difficult for me

One of my children was young and , and I truthfully did not trust my xh and OW to be caretakers if needed
MY XH Lied and I did not really know who OW was or where they lived or if they lived together till the end

The process is grueling, but it sounds like you are clear headed

The Mlcer is usually selfiish and will typically either lose some rights or back down

I did everything to protect my kids and fought him to them safe and away from OW who was an addict and he also began to use substances...so they were not sane people


Judges, L can see this and probably see it every day
Thank God for one responsible parent

hang in there


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You will not be done anytime soon. MLCer loves the drama. Stop communicating with him. Stop being reasonable; they don't speak reasonable. Get a lawyer for your child and let that person do all the communicating with your H. This money will be well spent, seriously. If your H ever comes out of MLC, negotiation will be possible; for now, all you can do is protect S2.

Remember, you are the custodial parent. You choose what is best for S2, not what is best for H. You don't have to explain yourself. Keep a daily record (devoid of emotion) of every single thing that H says and does and the effect on S2. You'll need it.

Learn from my mistakes. I didn't figure this out until now; I ignored all the warnings here. Now I am paying double in money, stress, time.... I believe in restoration and healing of the marriage, always. But while they are in MLC, there is no marriage to heal. S2 needs you to be clear and fearless. I didn't do right by my kids because I didn't understand that.

Last edited by job; 02/10/20 06:55 PM. Reason: Removed referenced name to another site

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Wait for the Lord with courage.
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After giving it some thought, I decided to flex a little and try to be compassionate about our son’s birthday. I hope this was the right thing to do for S2, and maybe take the wind from STBXH’s sails by showing I’m not an ogre.

I haven’t addressed the rest of the email, but this part was time-sensitive as it related to the coming weekend. I do not plan to negotiate further regarding permanent changes to the parenting plan, as I don’t believe it’s in S2’s best interest.

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Hi

S2 and I already have plans this Saturday. I am happy for you to pick him up at 5:30pm once we get home.

I'm sure S2 will have a wonderful time celebrating his birthday with you on Saturday night and Sunday at MIL’s place.

Dropoff as normal 5pm Sunday.

Thanks


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Hey Scout

Happy Birthday to your son! Hope he had a blast and got lots of pressies.

Your XH seems to have no idea how it works. Don't succumb to any threats to litigate for for 50/50. I suspect they are entirely hollow and an act of bravado.

If property will be protracted now, see my earlier comments about severing the joint tenancy (if applicable), new Will etc. I think I mentioned this months ago. That said, him engagaing lawyers doesnt mean it'll make things go bad - keep PMA, ok.

If you're continuing to communicate with XH direct despite both having lawyers, you may want to speak to your L about whether your comms to him should be without prejudice. Frankly, I'd leave it to the lawyers to communicate on your behalf given your sitch.

With the email, I'd delete reference to S having a wonderful time etc. Remember, it's business now.

Keep taking the high road Scout and accumulating karma credits. Good luck with it all and stay strong (if not dry lol).

Cheers DS


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Hi Scout,

Happy birthday to S2! I'm so sorry about this recent email. You seem like you are totally clear and logical and everything you say makes 100% sense. (And honestly, his pretending he doesn't want to give you his address because you might stalk his house? Is pathetic and ridiculous. I am imagining this self-righteous, red faced, sweaty clown with a big clown nose and wig and makeup reading all of the email in a pompous, annoying voice. I don't know why that came to me but it did and I got a little kick out of it. I don't know if you will but just in case I thought I would share.)

I wanted to ask if you had any fun plans for this weekend sans S2. Hope you can find a way to do something just for you and fun that is hard to do with a toddler in tow. Even just sleeping in as long as you want.

Hang in there.


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Thanks all for sharing your thoughts.

Peacetoday - Parenting arrangements are my biggest sticking point too. Fortunately I have the law on my side. My L said STBXH is full of hot air and pretty stupid to put these words in writing.

Gerda - Great advice, thank you, and I will heed it. For what it's worth, I think you are managing to hold your own very well against the onslaught from your crazy H.

DS - Thanks for the reminder about severing joint tenancy, I will definitely look into that. I have yet to make a will, so legal advice will be required. The 'without prejudice' concept is new to me too. In sum, I need some help. Haha.

May - Welcome to my thread! Thanks for offering your perspective and the hilarious visual. I might envision that next time he decides to kick off and start whining.

As far as this weekend, I've yet to hear acceptance of the proposed overnight visit. It's currently Friday afternoon. The lack of communication is very typical behaviour. It's deliberate. He returned S2 half an hour late on his birthday after texting me "Leaving the park now" at the time he was due back. Note the complete lack of information. Which park? How far away? What's the ETA?

Another example: After he told my L the consent orders were with his own legal counsel for review, she requested the details of his L so they could communicate directly. As of yesterday, he had yet to provide that information. She asked me if it was possible he was not telling the truth about having counsel. I just laughed and said yes.

Anyway, my plan for this weekend, if it comes to pass - a long leisurely dinner out, seeing a movie by myself, getting an uninterrupted night's sleep, binge watching TV all day, doing some chores, and talking to a lovely single dad I met online.


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Originally Posted by scout12
Anyway, my plan for this weekend, if it comes to pass - a long leisurely dinner out, seeing a movie by myself, getting an uninterrupted night's sleep, binge watching TV all day, doing some chores, and talking to a lovely single dad I met online.

That sounds ah-may-zing. (And ridiculous he hasn't even gotten back to you yet on the overnight. Honestly, just sad.)

Thinking of you!


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It’s been a while since I’ve felt sad, but I do today.

S2 has been with his dad since yesterday afternoon and is due back this afternoon. It’s only the second overnight he’s been away from home, and I miss him.

I seized the opportunity to meet the nice single dad last night. We met in the city, walked around for a bit, had dinner, and saw a movie. It was great. But the silliest thing - he smelled wrong. Not bad, just wrong. Different to STBXH. We both chose perfumes for each other years ago and never changed them in all this time. We both still wear the same fragrances. I really loved his scent.

So I drove home with tears in my eyes feeling an intense aching nostalgia for my old life. Although I have no interest in reconciliation, I do miss the good parts of my marriage. I miss his hugs and his scent. I miss how easily we got along. I miss the attraction. If our relationship could have coasted along on the superficial aspects, we probably could have stayed married forever. But that’s not how relationships work. And it’s not the kind of relationship I will accept.

I’m also sorrowful over the custody situation. To forever lose time with my only child due to his father’s decision to betray, abandon, and deceive me is a bitter pill to swallow. It’s the worst injustice of this whole mess. That a man who demonstrates over and over how little he values family can force the unnatural separation of mother and child is galling.

The law says the child has the right to a relationship with both parents, and I accept that. But what kind of positive influence can this man have on his child when he continues to lie, threaten, intimidate, accuse, and harass the child’s mother? Not to mention the other poor qualities of character he continues to demonstrate.

I would feel better about things if shared parenting could be respectful and honest, with both parents acting in the best interest of the child. But he can’t, or won’t. His sense of entitlement prevents it. His latest email is an example of this. The custody arrangement he demanded is all about his rights, his feelings, his convenience.

What’s done is done. He made his choices, he has the new life he wanted. I’ve let him go entirely in every possible way. The continued attempts to bring me down are cruel and unnecessary. I just want to pour my love and energy into my life with S2.

I’ll just allow myself to be sad until S2 gets home. One of my best friends must have sensed I needed help because he offered to bring Thai food around for dinner for us. So that’s nice.


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Case in point. S2 was returned half an hour late just now.

Me: He was due to be returned at 5pm.
STBXH: I thought it was 5:30pm.

Please scroll up to my earlier post where I stated “Dropoff as normal 5pm Sunday.” What part of that was ambiguous?

I’m wondering if I should send something to the effect of “If you can’t respect the scheduled pickup/dropoff times, I will no longer agree to compromise on exceptions to the current parenting plan for special occasions.”

This has been an issue for the past nine months and I am tired of it. This person does not and will not respect anything except tangible consequences. I AM FED UP.


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