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Hi All,

I have been lurking here since December. My bomb drop date was 27th Nov 2019, my husband and I have been together for 10 years (married for 5 of them), and we have no children. My story goes like this:

A couple of weeks before my birthday I noticed my husband was messaging a woman from work a lot more than usual, and starting to be more secretive with his phone (taking it everywhere), and withdrawn. They sat together and often were on the same business trips together, everyone knew she liked my husband, we even joked about it. However she was married with kids, and no one ever suspected it would be more than a simple infatuation. There was a business trip around this time, and he was acting strangely, was really nice before he left, but then whilst away, failed to say goodnight to me, as he had countless times before. I was worried, I tried to call, but the phone was off, the worst scenarios ran through my head, was he dead, having an affair etc.

He came back the next day, but seemed 'off' and annoyed and we had a row about it. There and then I suspected he was having an affair and begged him to tell me, but he started crying and said he would never do that and how could I think it etc.

Fast forward to my Birthday (2 weeks later), we both had the day off to go out for a nice meal etc. And he had seemed a little 'off' that morning, but I was determined to have a good day regardless. We got on the train to the city, and he was messing around answering work bits and bobs as the train set off. That's when 'she' popped up, he tried to hide it, and had always maintained she was just a friend. I said don't hide the screen, it's only Kirsty! And I knew in that moment he was stuck, if he hid it, he was guilty, and if she typed anything bad I would see it. Her next text made my blood run cold "How's your day going? Has it got any better yet?"

In those few seconds I knew I had been right all along, not only was it far too personal, but he had lied to her and told her he was having a bad day, when literally nothing had happened except getting ready and leaving the house. I was raging.

Turns out it was an emotional affair, that had crossed the line into 3 separate kisses during business trips, but they decided not to take it any further, as they convinced themselves they still hadn't cheated!

For the first 2 days that followed, my husband was apologetic, begged me not to leave etc. I made him tell me everything over and over. Then on day 3 he changed into a cold stranger, started to blame me for everything, said it was my fault this happened. Flew into violent rages, which ended with ILYBINILWY and also, I have never loved you, and many more of the wonderful MLC phrases that they use. It was very scary to find this place and see how they all seem to sound the same!

Since then he moved out over Xmas and went to stay with family, he then got a flat in January where he has been for the last 3 weeks. I'm lucky in the sense he is still paying for half the mortgage, and accepting that responsibility. He also is not seeing anyone else, and has reluctantly been attending couples therapy with me every 2 weeks since the start of Jan, which is slow going but interesting.

He also agreed to meet up for lunch every 2 weeks to catch up and see how we are both getting on, with a view to reconciliation, but he way too far off being ready for anything like that. He can barely make eye contact with me, I accidentally used the phrase "Date night" and he almost ran there and then. The plus points are, he has admitted he is depressed and reluctantly agreed to go to the Dr's, although I won't fully believe that until he does. I just don't know what the best thing to do is from here, do I continue meeting for lunch? Is that helpful at this stage? I really don't know....

However I do want to thank you all for your stories and advice on this forum, without it I wouldn't have been able to stay calm and get to this point.

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I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome Thread. Read and re-read it as needed:

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-66, D33,S32


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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I have both books and the info within them and from you all, is probably the only reason we are still on speaking terms. So far, even when it felt counter-intuitive, following it has worked as expected. There were times I made mistakes, but I managed to pull it back by going back to the rules and sticking to them.

Last night we had another therapy session, it was not good. He was discussing out Saturday, and he just seemed to be telling lie after lie, I appreciate we all see things differently, but his account was alien to me. I could barely speak or get a word in to explain my version as the therapist was hung up on helping him, as he is the one with the main issues.

It went to badly I ended up snapping and saying "Funny how the issues with me only came out after you got caught cheating". It was not a proud moment, but I was so angry...

I am still confused about meeting up every alternate Saturday though, do people think this is a good idea? Or is it slowing down his MLC progress in the tunnel? Anyone had any experience of this or advice to add?

Thanks in advance smile

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Hi sorrow-

Is your H in IC? It sounds like he needs to work on himself first. How do you feel about your meetings with him? What do you guys usually talk about? Does it feel like things are better after a meeting?

If you think he is depressed, that should be something he needs to address first before even thinking about reconciliation.

Hang in there!


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Originally Posted by wooba
Hi sorrow-

Is your H in IC? It sounds like he needs to work on himself first. How do you feel about your meetings with him? What do you guys usually talk about? Does it feel like things are better after a meeting?

If you think he is depressed, that should be something he needs to address first before even thinking about reconciliation.

Hang in there!


Hey Wooba!

Thanks for replying.

He isn't in IC yet although I did try, he doesn't really believe in therapy, but agreed to MC when I was about to give up and ask for a divorce. Since then he's been confident enough to ask our MC for a solo session which I was supportive of. He is having that later this week, and more if needed. I have a feeling though she will want to push him towards an IC that's more equipped to deal with his MLC and depression. And I'm not sure how he will take it.

The first meeting was great, like old friends catching up, and I left feeling really positive so I was into the idea.

The second meeting was hard, I used the word 'date' and he flipped out, and couldn't handle the 'commitment' and connotations that word carried in his mind. According to our MC he is scared because he only just started taking proper control of his life during this MLC and separation, before he moved in with me he had lived with his mom and never really had to do 'adult' things like managing finances and making big decisions alone.

And apparently me saying date, made him feel pressured and unsafe, and made him feel like I was moving too fast. In reality I didn't expect anything but the lunch and some civility, but the word scared him into believing I did.

Now because that was like 2 giant steps backwards, I really don't know what to do.

Also the way he was in that moment was like a scared little boy, I really don't recognise the man he is right now, he's like a total stranger, and after knowing him closely for 22 years, it's so weird and out of character. I read it can be regression during MLC which would make some sense.

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So I had a trip planned for Valentines with my husband, as it was also his 40th in January, booked obviously before BD. That I decided to still go on, and simply changed his name to my friends so we didn't waste the tickets, I had offered him the tickets as it was his Birthday, but he advised me to use them and said he wasn't up to the trip.

I was apprehensive about going, as Valentines is such a couple time, and it was the same date he proposed. However, I was determined to GAL and go and enjoy it. We had an amazing first day, and we put pictures on social media of all the fun things we had done, that was the day before valentines. I awoke valentines day morning to see a text from him asking why I had such a low opinion of him???

Great way to start valentines and way to ruin my vacation. I stayed calm, and simply said I never had a low opinion, so I couldn't help him there, but I was sorry he thought so. And he tried to fight again, but I rose above it and ignored him.
The rest of the day had a black cloud over it after that if I'm honest, we still had fun but the sheen had been taken away, making me angry with his message.

On the morning of the 15th I awoke to another text message from him, simply saying "Hey are you having fun?". I didn't know whether to reply, so I waited a bit and then said very briefly "Yes thanks, you?"

That's when he said "I'm really sorry I'm doing this to you" followed by... "I do miss you, you know"..

After that had happened Valentines Day, I just couldn't work it out... this roller coaster never gets any easier. The second I think I'm done, they seem to sense it, even when you're in another country and pull you back in. I have to say though, whilst I'm not getting any hopes up, that is the FIRST time he has ever accepted any responsibility. He had a solo therapy session the other week, and I wonder if that has helped somewhat? Before this he was adamant it was me/stress/work/family etc... anything but himself.

Since then we met last night at the gym, he was training me and showing me how to use the equipment properly as I don't have cash for a PT right now with all the increased bills and decreased income. And it went well, was very civil and he dropped me home afterwards which was nice.

We were supposed to have our 2 weekly 'date' day tomorrow, but he forgot he had something booked in with his team from work, so we had to move it to Sunday. He was apologetic, but part of me feels if he's serious about making things work this should be the priority for him. I guess given his current state of mind that's unfair though?

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Kudos to you for still going on that trip! It’s happened to me too, my H likes to throw himself a pity party when I seem to be having too much fun on my own. They are on their roller coaster, don’t get on it with them.

I would keep expectations low about your “appointments”/date. If he gives excuses to not go then don’t force it. Even better, you should cancel the whole thing- do it on your terms.


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Originally Posted by wooba
Kudos to you for still going on that trip! It’s happened to me too, my H likes to throw himself a pity party when I seem to be having too much fun on my own. They are on their roller coaster, don’t get on it with them.


I know, how do they seem to sense we are detaching and GAL, and then try to ruin it? So frustrating, but I'm more annoyed I let his text get to me at all.

Originally Posted by wooba
I would keep expectations low about your “appointments”/date. If he gives excuses to not go then don’t force it. Even better, you should cancel the whole thing- do it on your terms.


Good advice! I didn't think to say Sunday doesn't work for me and then cancel all together... I've agreed now, but next time I will turn the tables and do that thank you.

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I love that you still went on that trip, you're a strong girl. Next time he tries to move the date, just tell him you already have plans for that Sunday. Don't be too accessible IMO. You probably did scare him with the word "date". If that's all it takes to scare him then you really need to back off IMO. How quickly are you responding to his text messages? I'd be very tempted to not reply to some of these messages, given his affair (I don't believe it was "just a kiss") and him moving out.

Posting on this forum changed my life and helped me get through some really bad times, I hope it helps you too.

Quote
He also is not seeing anyone else, and has reluctantly been attending couples therapy with me every 2 weeks since the start of Jan, which is slow going but interesting.

How do you know he isn't seeing someone? Wasn't he texting the OW before he moved out? Didn't he admit to kissing her?

Was couples therapy his idea or yours? What is the stated reason for couples therapy?

And finally
Quote
answering work bits and bobs

Haha I'm guessing you're in the UK? I'm sure you laugh at us too...


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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