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#2884625 02/08/20 06:40 AM
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danee Offline OP
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Ok new to forum hello everyone. Hello all and I have been reading a few of discussions.

I am ashamed to say I could not find this when I first researched months and months ago.
I actually found this googling "my wife wants a divorce and she is a total *itch to me now" - No kidding 2nd one down.

Anyway I want to try to buy the book but which one - here is my issues:

Me husband 55, wife 49. 3 kids, 15, 13 and 8 yrs old. Married for 20 or so years. We had issues for years and saw different councilors no success. She and I dont agree. For example parenting. Punishment for kids. Nagging or reminding. Supportive wife or not. etc

For last 6 months I found a marriage councilor that was very helpful. She helped identify issues with us. I thought it was all my fault. For example if I tell the kids its time for bed, turn off devices and they dont listen, then i turn off internet. Well the kids ran to mother, cried and complained and then she yells at me to turn it back on. Happens lot even recently after being told by MC that what she is doing is not good.

On her side of issue I am poor provider (business went down, looking for job, cannot get a good job so sometimes quit or laid off). I am not good father too harsh in punishment or nag too much. She does not agree on punishment or even yelling or nagging. She hates nagging. Since I am home I try to do cooking not very well. Cleaning house is not great according to her. She has had to help look after finances for years. I would look for job, try to reboot business and look after household as best as I could. For a while I did not realize it she was doing almost all of this herself and I somehow was not aware of it. I am guilty apologized and am trying to cook better do more housework and still rebooting business and looking for job to help out. I still bring in money from low business income around 5000 every 6 months or so. I have tried to reconnect with kids to have relationship.but really hard. I am out of shape now and bald. No attractive at all. I dont have many friends because basically I picked my family to be with over friends.

So now she wants to separate then divorce. We cannot even afford that. So she wants me to move to basement until she can make approx 1/2 of house then give me a buy out.

I have seen MC, doc, pastor etc. Most say I am a normal guy with good intentions and things done wrong which I corrected. I have spent more and more time with MC and asking if I am crazy and I a good catch for ladies.MC says yeah not that attractive. i dont want my family to break up. i rather stay in this family i have accepted her faults and she says she has tried for my faults, tried to help me job wise etc.

She does not want to try, not in love with me, does not love me, and wants me out as soon as possible,
Dont get me wrong. Through MC and self reflection and improvement I have figured out that she is not a perfect wife either. PS we both dont do drugs, nor gamble nor cheat physically. She drinks a little beer on vacation maybe but otherwise we dont drink, nor smoke. AND I do NOT CARE ABOUT SPORTS. She wishes I did I guess to be in more shape.

Possibly she is having an emotional affair with another guy but he seems to be cool and waiting as far as I know for me to get out of way. Though he is married too (lol). Not sure but she is always where she says and at home so perhaps the talking to each other is all they are doing. She mentions this other guy alot as friend. Now I am NOT allowed to ask where she goes and turns off any tracking ability which I merely used to see if she is near a store where I need things. IF I CALL HER too much while she is on business calls then she gets mad. If I dont call and need some food item then its hard.

I have little money, little time left and i am probably 911 situation with wife who wants out now. Sorry for my crazy all over the place email. I am desperate for help. I am writing this at 130 am. so sure its all over the place with bad grammar.

Which book do I buy. I am the only one trying to save this marriage.
Divorce Busting OR It take one to tango or what. I have watched the founders youtubes a few and they seem genuine. Phone coaching and 2 day course way to expensive.

thanks

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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I'm not sure where you live but I would say your business is a side hustle and not a full blown business. Start a new one, or get a job and retake your role as provider. I think adults with children need to have a unified approach to parenting. This changes with divorce.

Being bald and out of shape and having no friends is fine, embrace it, shave your head, go to the gym, eat healthy, play with the kids, make new friends. All are possibilities that depend on you. These are all things that are attractive. And the most attractive quality of all is confidence. Get your mojo back.

Living in a basement is not attractive. Do not live in a basement. But don't argue and fight her either. Just listen to her and try to understand. Pursuing a woman who has rejected you and is breaking her marriage vows with another man is also very unattractive. What is up with this quote:

Quote
Now I am NOT allowed to ask where she goes and turns off any tracking ability which I merely used to see if she is near a store where I need things. IF I CALL HER too much while she is on business calls then she gets mad. If I dont call and need some food item then its hard.
You can't get your own food? I didn't read where you were disabled or pressed for time.

Go to the bookstore and buy Divorce Remedy, it's the update version of Divorce Busting. Read Cadet's post several times a day.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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If you can't locate the book, you can purchase it on Amazon.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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danee Offline OP
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Thanks to all of your comments. I dont even understand the tag lines of each of you.

Are you all successful in recovering your marriages before divorce.

Thanks for all of the resource links Cadet and others. Lots to read and still reading.

Sorry so much has happened even since my initial post. There has NOT been that much yelling or screaming or anything except every one and then. My wife even concedes that the recent last little while this is how it should have been over the years. Wife and I actually talk more like in the beginning years.

I have always been drawn to church and 3 weeks ago I joined gone 3 times total. They believe like this website that the marriage is not over and can be saved.

I am able to go buy food by myself. And the location thing i see you guys address as "dont text her dont ask here where she is". Basically from your links I have BROKEN every rule in the book to try to get us back together. Classic. It took me a long time to find this resource. There are SOOO MANNNY resources online that this one drops and gets buried in the google search unless you use what I did. I broken every rule in the DivoceBusting (DB) rules. I mean i wish I had seen Michele stuff sooner.

The issue is my children. 2 of the boys are borderline ADHD and Autism respectively. So that leaving the house is sometimes hard. And the older boy 13 actually has serious issues about the way he was raised and believes the younger 8 should be punished as he was. Which is part of the 6 months or so self improving that I am doing by myself now. I was sometimes very angry at what was happening in my family and with friends. My marriage Councillor MC has been working with my family. At first it was a couple going now it is really only me. My aggressive 13 year old needs it and now my 8 yr old is showing signs of needed therapy as the separation starting to materialize.

I have learned in my 6 months of therapy that while alot of the yelling nagging etc part of me was my fault - all my fault in the delivery, At the root cause, my MC has figured out that it is not me totally now. At first she had to confirm if I was an abusive person particularly the nagging. Which for the record is like get ready for school, do homework, go to bed etc. MC says that is NOT nagging but required parenting. And parenting is definitely part of issue.

Business is definitely a side business now. Hardly brings in 500 per month. When it was overrnbw, going full steam I was bringing in 20k per month. Even then my wife made little comments on how it was not enough. ONLY 1 maybe 2 times she ever said I was doing a good job! I continue to reboot it, continue to do the "side business". starting to do new education for my field and looking for jobs. The role of provider was taken by her as my wife can bring in so much money on one of her deals equal to months of me working. So that I stay home with kids so that she can go out.

I am still pretty sure she is NOT cheating. She really does not have time but emotionally I think she is talking to a person because she actually mentions his name for odd times. Like asking my 13 yr old to go to a game OUT OF THE BLUE with this father and his sons. Even my son said why??? It is odd but according the DB here I should let it go.

PS We had another argument and scene with 13 year old trying to hit and hurt the 8 yr old again. And we had our MC in conference for this issue and how to handle it. It came out as we were talking my wife said this "You expect me to believe that you have come 180 degrees and that you are no longer abusive even in yelling". my MC said "did H hit or yell at the kids in anyway". Thee was silence and my wife sayd "No H did not do anything except try to talk and try to stop the boy but it is all H fault the way kids turned out". MC definitely says W is stuck on what the past many many years ago. MC does not know why she does not see the changes.

Today like most days she asks me to move to the basement. We cannot afford a divorce as the legal fees or even just splitting the house is too much. The market is not good for sale of house and she wants to keep the children in this house. Ok so I am yielding today, I am cleaning the room in basement and will move into it.

I am just getting the agreement understood about what is allowed. Bring overnight guests over or not, unwanted friends etc.

1 - What do you guys think of that? Moving to basement for now.
2 - Since I have broken every rule of DB do i have a chance.
3 - I continue to self improve with my MC and online resources. I am looking for Divorce Remedy (DR) now.
4 - W sees the changes in me however still does not want to try.
5 - Even her friends are telling her that I am a "narcissistic sociopath" and that I am lying and making this change to save the marriage only. MC laughs and says if these people are even medically trained they would not say that. And I am not this medical condition.

Thanks for helping and sorry for long distress call update.

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Here is my take on your five (5) items:

1. Do not move to the basement. If she is unhappy, then she should be the one to find other accommodations. You should remain living in the house and sleeping in the Master Bedroom.
2. You may have broken the rules, but you always have a chance. Learn from those mistakes, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get moving on working on you.
3. Have you given any thought of doing IC and not MC? MC doesn't sound like it's working all that great for you.
4. So, she sees the changes. Whatever changes you are making, need to become permanent. Do not fall back into previous habits.
5. What do you care if her friends are saying stuff. Prove them wrong...be the best man that you can be. Focus on you, work on those things that you know you need to work on and continue moving forward. Stop worrying about what others say! They aren't walking in your shoes and besides....your wife could be telling them all sorts of stuff that isn't true.

She may not be physically cheating, but she is having an emotional affair. Emotional affairs are harder to break, but they too need to burn out on their own.

Have you given any thought that your children may need to have some therapy? Sounds like you son is acting out and is crying for help. The bullying is not a good thing and if you don't put a stop to it, it will only get worse and not just against his sister, but eventually in school and any relationship he has in the future.

Now breathe, and remember...you can't "nice" her back into the relationship. You need to set boundaries w/her and I would think it would start w/not moving to the basement. But, that's my personal opinion. Don't allow her to dictate what you can and cannot do. You can't fix her...she has to do that herself. You can't control her, but you can control the way you interact/react to her behavior. Always try to speak in a calm, level voice and look her in the eye. Do not allow her to goad you into arguments and/or disagreements. The more you stay calm, the more she doesn't have a justification to want a separation/divorce.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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danee Offline OP
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thanks for reply.

MC is a very good one and actually identifying all sorts of issues that i was not aware of. i am NOT in the medical field.
and also my doctor, pastor and other therapist. The MC has suggested that we take our sons to therapy as they are most affected now. 1 appt already confirmed. HOW EVER she does not believe 1 person can save marriage following any method.

what is IC ???

my wife is at point she hates to look at me and i know i am not much to look at but working on it. yes she said it and denies. she is also the main bread winner right now so my mother, MC and others I listed said do basement thing for now. it is temporary. she says in a few months she has enough money to buy me out of the house which is ok sum to live on while i look for job or i will remain in basement hoping that the DB DR works.

i do try to keep away from her and she is not always be nice to me however she does insult me in front of children.
if i fight back the kids get affected so now i am trying hard to just keep inside. its not easy as i have long time of defending myself. MC says there is something wrong there. not all there upstairs. even after she admits she should not and apologizes. then does it again. ODD THING is she would love for me to look after the kids 7/24 while she goes on her trips with girlfriends. she does go away on business too and i have been on them so no suspicion to worry about there.i mean so far. IF THE KIDS dont go with me, wont listen to me, wont let me cook them basic meals etc I cannot look after them. As much as it pains me for that result, then in future if things go bad then i wont look after them at all. i dont want that but if that is what she is doing to them then i cannot stop it really.

friends is that they talk to each other and sometimes i hear my wife saying same things as our friends. that is how i know. so she can be affected by them. one of them said that narcissist sociopath was a trait i should look up. she seemed to have believed it until my MC told us no it was not accurate at all.

i can only change myself as i have learned over thousands of times in the past 6 months. i believe it. i am trying.

i am ordering book DR on amazon.

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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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Danee,

No not all of us have saved our marriages before divorce. If you came here looking for the magic bullet, you will be disappointed. There isn't one.

While only some of us were able to save our marriages before divorce all of us were able to save ourselves! And at this juncture that is more important.

So the bad news is that you may not be able to save your marriage. But the good news is that it appears that you have plenty of work to do on yourself! Becoming the best father you can be. And becoming the best person you can be, becoming someone that can not only provide for himself, but for his children. You have a great opportunity here to become a better person all around. Or as we say around here, AMOAFWL (A Man Only A Fool Would Leave).

You see, despite our societies of the world trying to "progress" on gender issues....there is a little thing called biology Biology cannot be defeated. Biology says that men and women value different things in each other. A man values a woman that is physically healthy and able to bear children (whether he knows it or not). A woman values a man that is physically healthy and able to earn a living (whether she knows it or not). I have seen dozens of sitches here where couples of gone against biology to devastating (on the MR) effects. Because, well, you can fight biology but biology will win.

Your W is at a precarious age. If you look at my sitch you will see that my W was 49 and quickly approaching 50. If you look up articles on women turning 50, many of them start to take stock of their life and the time they have left to determine what they want. Many woman that hit 50 end their MR and start a new R. I don't say that to discourage you, I say that because it is true.

Focus on you. Become the best you that you can be. GAL. 180 on bad behavior (IE improve yourself), and detach. Learn what loving detachment means. It is important to understand that. Sometimes Googling "self differentiation in marriage" helps with the understanding.

I repeat, FOCUS ON YOU, not her. Give her time and space to figure out her own stuff.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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I see you saying repeatedly that you are "unattractive"... so here are my thoughts/experiences on this.

1) Physical looks are not the most important thing in attracting a woman... confidence is, and by a very wide margin. Work on your confidence and do things to make yourself confident (GAL's, 180s) and, quite frankly, fake it til you make it... until it becomes habitual and who you are. People in general, and not just women, will respond to that. It will server you very well in your professional life as well.

2) Some easy GALs for appearance: Practice good grooming. Don't smell bad (sounds simple, right, but there's alot that goes into it-- brush and floss twice daily, use mouthwash, get a manly smelling soap or shower gel and shower regularly, find a cologne you like-- the department store clerks can be very helpful in this regard.) Buy some new, stylish clothes. Go see a stylist about your hair-- alot of men going bald these days and some research that even shows it makes you look more manly/sexy etc to women. Start exercising and working out, and make sure you include strength training to add some muscle tone. See, here's the thing-- there are probably looks, smells, etc. that she now identifies with you and in a negative way. Changeing your grooming habits, smells, looks, etc., will help you avoid triggering unpleasant associations with her. Also, and this is very important... if you are well-dressed, well-groomed, neatly trimmed hair/beard, with a decent cologne, you are already ahead of probably 75% of the men out there. Get some confidence and don't be afraid to look a woman in the eye and talk confidently to her and you are probably ahead of 90% or so of the men out there.

3) doing the above things will also help our confidence and happiness... which will have the added benefit of making you more attractive. it's a virtuous cycle.

I think your situation may not be as hopeless as you think... but you need to start taking care of yourself and GAL!

Best of luck to you.


H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
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