Hello to all. I find myself in a situation that I don't know how to move forward with. My wife said she was finally "done" around Thanksgiving and asked me to move out. I complied because I was scared and thought that was what was for the best at the time.
Her declaration was a major wake up call for me. I began to see crystal clearly the role I played to lead to her decision and in a strange way I fell in love with her, truly in love, for the very first time. I went all in to try to save our marriage. I began researching and was shocked to see all of the tools that are out there that truly work...even on the most seemingly hopeless situations. My plan was to go through the bootcamp Lone Ranger and eventually ask wife to join me for the a retreat in Nashville.
I learned so much over the next several weeks. I understood exactly why she left and why it would be so hard for her to go back. I understood that only actions would ever convince her that I was a changed man and even then it might take several months before my actions were real change and not just an attempt at manipulation.
While separated I could definitely tell she was checked out and didn't feel the same about me. But we still went out together, had family dinners together and chatted on the phone. I went to my brother's every night to sleep but spent a lot of time at the house. So after starting a program I came across his take on separation. He couldn't be more firm. Separation accomplishes just that he said. It is divisive. And moving out equates violating your marital vows and abandoning your family (we have three kids).
This gave me the courage to move back in with conviction. My wife was stunned and remains absolutely furious. It has been two weeks and she has since hired a lawyer and is attempting to move forward with an "in home separation." He mentioned she might move out but nothing about this in home separation. I am in Virginia and this means she can't be seen with me socially in public (we couldn't go to Super Bowl Party together and she skipped my birthday dinner with kids), can't shop for each other, can't cook for each other, can't appear to be a married couple whatsoever.
So all of the talk charges, touch charges, weekly date nights etc in the program are simply no longer possible. I called in to the Q&A to ask him what to do but my question never made it. Honestly it felt like a recording and I feel a bit scammed. His secretary refused to help me any further so I canceled the program and got a refund.
Meanwhile I don't know what to do. If I stay in the house (I am currently sleeping in the storage room lol) I can't see any path to reconciliation. If fact one of the rules for a successful in home separation is to not attempt to reconcile! If I move back out I further confuse the kids who LOVE that Daddy is back and I lose respect for myself.
Sorry so long. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I still want to get her to that marriage retreat in Nashville but I have no idea how that will be possible now.
Kevin
Last edited by Cadet; 02/06/2006:37 PM. Reason: other sites not allowed
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Calmly start sleeping in the MBR. Do not let her reaction affect you and your resolve to sleep there.
This is your thought process: H:"W, I would prefer if you slept in here, but you are free to sleep where ever you like"
Use the words if needed, but it is more about your attitude.
It is your house. It is your bed room. It is your bed. You share them equally with W.
You are not kicking her out. You are giving her a choice. Sleep in here with me, or sleep someplace else.
No arguing. Listen and validate her feelings. Read the validation thread ASAP.
If she is actively involved with another man, then you change the way you interact with her. Most here find out there is someone else. How we handle ourselves after gaining that information is important. Right now, act as if there is not another man, but be very aware of things from this point forward.
I wish you well
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Choose your words wisely when anyone asks about why you moved out and then back in. What you tell us here should be different than what you say to people IRL. I am assuming you didn't move all of your stuff out and it has not been "too long".
Here : "I was weak and confused and thought it was best"
IRL : "It was temporary. I believe we both needed a little time apart" and even that might need some adjustment.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
If she is actively involved with another man, then you change the way you interact with her. Most here find out there is someone else. How we handle ourselves after gaining that information is important. Right now, act as if there is not another man, but be very aware of things from this point forward.
He mentioned she might move out but nothing about this in home separation
Does "he" mean your W's lawyer? Do not speak to him if so.
Quote
If I stay in the house (I am currently sleeping in the storage room lol) I can't see any path to reconciliation.
The aerial view is clearer than the ground view, but even from up here it is hard to tell if such a path exists. This is why you forge your own path using you brain and heart to do what is right, to be strong, to be patient, and to learn and grow.
The marriage retreat is probably a long shot. Especially if she is distancing from you at the moment. I would not pursue her.
Definitely go with R2C's plan on the move out.
Last edited by ovrrnbw; 02/06/2009:09 PM.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Part of the reason for moving back in was to be present for her to observe positive changes and to be here to reconnect with her emotionally. I volunteered to sleep in the basement to give her space. I told her I didn't return to make her life miserable or to be a "prisoner in her own home" as she described it to me.
As far as the retreat, she seemed to be open to it before I moved back in. But it was contingent on me signing a separation agreement so not sure how sincere she was.
I believe Sandi2 differentiated Wayward(WW) vs Walkaway(WAW). WW is involved with another man. WAW is just done working on the marriage.
Until you know for sure that you are dealing with a WW, I would treat her like a WAW. I don't know what the ratio is, but Tarzan does not let go of one vine until he has a good grip on the next one.
With a WAW, projecting the strong confident seductive man ie being a man only a fool would leave is a good start.
With WW, you are a man that does not share his woman with other men. You want to be with a woman who wants to be with you. She wants to be with someone else, fine. go be with him. I will enjoy the MBR alone. I set you free. You cheated. Not me.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I remember the feeling you described, after my own wife bomb dropped me.it was like I suddenly remembered all the reasons I'm falling in love with her, and now regret it all the Lost opportunities. It's painful, and it [censored]. Bottom line, though, is that she is not currently interested in a romantic relationship with you. That intimacy has to be rebuilt. I like to use move back into the house.I do agree with the other is, though, that you need to move back into the master bedroom. And just the way they described. You are sleeping there, and she is free to sleep there with you if she wants. Non-aggressive, validate her feelings, that you are sleeping there.
I also think there is merit to your idea of her being able to see you're going to life's and one eighties and improvements close up.I feel like it was definitely beneficial in my own case, which ended in reconciliation, for my wife to see those things.it is crucial for you to remember, however, that these changes are for you, and not for her. You can't just be doing them to try to win her back. The idea is to be making yourself into a better man, and a better potential mate for whoever you might ultimately end up with. Of course you hope that is her, but you need to be emotionally detached from that outcome for now, and focus on you.
And, sadly, all too often these things are sparked by the wife finding someone else and starting either an emotional or a physical affair. Typically they have felt neglected, or, as you say, like a prisoner in their own home. The attention from a stranger is intoxicating and hard to resist. I would say the significant majority of cases on this site involve affairs. So you need to be on the lookout for that. Not snooping, necessarily, but keeping your eyes open for the signs. Because if she is in an affair, it changes the dynamic, and you are probably dealing with a wayward wife. If so, Sandy's rules and threads, are a must-read resource.
for now though, it sounds like you are on the right track for the most part, and you are getting good advice so far on the threat. Hang in there, this is a marathon and not a Sprint. Do not expect a resolution in weeks, or perhaps even months. Mine took just over a year and a half, and we are still to this day, over three years in, still dealing with some issues, and overhang, although we are largely fully reconciled at this point. Best of luck to you.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
