My goal for February is to focus more on GALing and much, much less on H's erratic behavior. I am also working hard to train my mind to reject thoughts that H's actions are a personal attack on me because this negative thinking has kept me on an emotional roller coaster ride.
Additionally I have a list of about 30 things I can either start enjoying now or will enjoy if a S or D becomes a reality. I plan to keep that list going. It makes me smile and has been helping me snap out of my funk.
Feel free to share how you are GALing these days. Thanks to those of you who shared your ideas in my previous post. Such an inspiration! So glad I found this community!
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I have started this focus-on-GAL-more but H still manages to do something stupid to put me back on the emotional roller coaster. Went to bed in a good state of mind and woke up feeling resentful again. I guess I just keep GALing as much as possible and, with time, I will be able to detach more and more.
I am learning that I should have ZERO expectations and I will be disappointed much less often. I need to ACCEPT that H is a sorry H and has never been what I deserve. Right now, in his sick mind, he is a single man free to do (or not do) whatever he wants. What a pathetic H and father. Right now, finding "happiness" and fun is more important to him than his family and I need to accept that and know that when he neglects the kids, it is what it is. Atleast I am healthy enough to take on all the extra responsibilities involving the home and children. It is not like he pitched in all that much before (problem is I had expectations before BD that he would learn to level up).
Also I have got to kick this "why me?" mentality. The pity party has been going since November and it needs to end.
Last edited by HesAble; 02/05/2001:52 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I always encourage people to join social media groups that pertain to their interests.
I also would encourage your to go 100% at work too. When your work and personal life start to turn the corner, how you feel about your relationships will too.
Last edited by job; 02/05/2002:32 PM. Reason: Removed link to another site not related to DB
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
HesAble: I have been working on dropping resentment, having zero expectations and not feeling self-pity for about 18 months now. Some days I still fail badly at it (like even yesterday). And the 'finding happiness' I always reframe as 'I feel miserable and am running away from responsibilities to see if that makes me feel less miserable because the pain is unbearable'. That helps me, not sure if it might help you? Because the best way to decrease resentment is to have compassion for the pain of your spouse. Yes their method of trying to escape is hurting so many other people including you, but they feel compelled to do it, it's not deliberate. And I have compassion too for the time when they wake up from their fog and realise the damage they have caused. If you are a half decent person then the guilt must be terrible, at least in our pain we know that we have conducted ourselves with dignity and with love and compassion for our loved ones, they don't have that consolation. And if they never wake up, well living in denial for your whole life is a pretty awful place to be. My MIL has been like that ever since she abandoned her family, and now she is old and lonely and not loved by anyone including her kids. Karma biting her hard.
I always encourage people to join social media groups that pertain to their interests.
I also would encourage your to go 100% at work too. When your work and personal life start to turn the corner, how you feel about your relationships will too.
I have been struggling to stay focused at work. Sigh. I hope I can get into a state of mind where I can go 100% very soon. It is getting better gradually.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
HesAble: I have been working on dropping resentment, having zero expectations and not feeling self-pity for about 18 months now. Some days I still fail badly at it (like even yesterday). And the 'finding happiness' I always reframe as 'I feel miserable and am running away from responsibilities to see if that makes me feel less miserable because the pain is unbearable'. That helps me, not sure if it might help you? Because the best way to decrease resentment is to have compassion for the pain of your spouse. Yes their method of trying to escape is hurting so many other people including you, but they feel compelled to do it, it's not deliberate. And I have compassion too for the time when they wake up from their fog and realise the damage they have caused. If you are a half decent person then the guilt must be terrible, at least in our pain we know that we have conducted ourselves with dignity and with love and compassion for our loved ones, they don't have that consolation. And if they never wake up, well living in denial for your whole life is a pretty awful place to be. My MIL has been like that ever since she abandoned her family, and now she is old and lonely and not loved by anyone including her kids. Karma biting her hard.
Kudos to you for getting through 18 months of this! I am only on month 3 and some days it all seems so unbearable. I can imagine that time heals and my ability to cope will get better over time. The GALing is helping some, but H still lives in the home with me so a lot of his behavior is hard to ignore (although he is staying overnight somewhere else atleast 50% of the week and it seems to be increasing - I get no warning which nights he will be gone or at home).
I am working on the compassion and trying to remember that H must be in emotional turmoil, but I always start wondering if his actions are in fact deliberate...if he is just a selfish, sorry narcissist who does not care who he damages, etc. Sigh. It is so hard to have compassion or remember he is in "pain" when he walks around smiling, wearing fancy new clothes, planning "fun" outings (kids & I of course are never invited), posing for social media photos, and appearing to be having the time of his life.
Last edited by HesAble; 02/05/2003:01 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
OMG, this roller coaster ride! Now I am again contemplating asking H to leave our home. This is driving me crazy!!!! Yes, he could say no. Then, I have no idea what my Plan B would be. His behavior is becoming more erratic and he is more and more absent. This is affecting the children's emotional well-being. I am just trying to determine what would be worse - having him leave altogether or having the children see his erratic comings and goings (as well as witness our dysfunctional relationship).
Decisions, decisions...I had to cancel my meeting with the lawyer due to an emergency so I need to reschedule. I am trying to focus on something else so I don't proceed with asking him to go before getting legal advice.
Last edited by HesAble; 02/05/2009:10 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
After all H has put me through, I still believe there is some good in him somewhere. I believe that he has a conscience that will at some point step up and rattle him just enough to care at least somewhat. I think that optimism that H is not a complete alien monster is what keeps me holding on. Perhaps I am naive and he has been a bad person pretending to be good for the past 20 years. I just find that hard to believe. Or perhaps he has just lost the good over time and developed into this terrible, selfish person. Only time will tell, I guess.
I have got to come up with some GAL ideas for the weekend. I plan to get my nails done for one thing. I may plan a spa-at-home evening with wine, a good book, a facial mask, candlelit bath, and body scrub. I did a facial mask a few days ago and it felt amazing! Maybe I will go to a movie with the kids too.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
After all H has put me through, I still believe there is some good in him somewhere. I believe that he has a conscience that will at some point step up and rattle him just enough to care at least somewhat. I think that optimism that H is not a complete alien monster is what keeps me holding on. Perhaps I am naive and he has been a bad person pretending to be good for the past 20 years. I just find that hard to believe. Or perhaps he has just lost the good over time and developed into this terrible, selfish person. Only time will tell, I guess.
There's a reason most people talk about the alien/stranger analogy here. The person you're dealing with is not your H. You have to stop trying to dissect who he really is from his current behavior. Like all people he is both a good and a terrible human being. Our choices are what determines how much of each we are. In either case he's in crisis and humans in a constant state of fight or flight do strange things. They working on our most basic animalistic functions. Brains in crisis don't function with morals or values. They function on survival. They don't process information the same. They don't worry about the emotional welfare of others. It is possible he'll never snap out of this that doesn't mean he is or was a terrible person. It's possible this is only temporary and that doesn't mean he was a terrible person for a little while but was always good at the core. You have to work to understand where he's at, even if he can't reciprocate. You have to start working towards meeting him where he's at because he's not going to wake up magically one day and meet you where you're at. If and when he starts coming to the other side it's a long process. A lot of push pull from what I've been reading. A lot of this horrible version rearing it's ugly head unexpectedly, and then swinging back until they are fully ready to R. This is a marathon not a sprint. Pushing your expectations and morals and definitions on him in this situation aren't going to help you in the long run. His behavior is about him. Not you. It's never been about you. No matter what has come out of his mouth about that. You have to keep this saying in mind "hurt people hurt people, healed people heal people." You guys are both on a journey. Both bumpy, both difficult, and while parallel they are two totally different paths. You gotta start worrying more about the directions and obstacles of your path through this and a lot less about what his path means.
Originally Posted by HesAble
I have got to come up with some GAL ideas for the weekend. I plan to get my nails done for one thing. I may plan a spa-at-home evening with wine, a good book, a facial mask, candlelit bath, and body scrub. I did a facial mask a few days ago and it felt amazing! Maybe I will go to a movie with the kids too.
These are all good and amazing things. I'm so proud that you are jumping into some self care with force. You deserve it.
Hi, HesAble. wayfarer makes some great points that were helpful for me too. It definitely has not helped me feel any better/sane to assume everything H did/does is to hurt or affect me in some way. He's not a complete alien monster; he's hurting. I have no idea what's going on in his head, and I don't think he could articulate it fully even if he wanted to. I mean, as far as he expressed it, the main issue was/is me—I am the sole cause of his pain and unhappiness. But, no, it's not about me. Or you. Our Hs are on journeys it may be hard for us to empathize with, but I feel better, and less bitter, when I try to and can. It helps to remove myself from the equation: he's not acting the way he's acting because of me; he's not directing his actions toward me; he's just there, and I'm just over here, observing. It was hard for me to get used to, though, not automatically wanting to take everything personally.
A spa-at-home evening sounds lovely! I'm thinking about making some kind of bread for a late breakfast on Sunday.
