Hi Cardinal- I totally can relate to some of what you are feeling. I am too. It’s weird, because I thought I was becoming the detachment queen, and I don’t I know what shifted, but the last couple of days I feel like I am treading water to keep my head above the fray. I can just offer you a hug and hope as we continue down these paths, we will each feel better. PLC
It's been a few days, so I have a feeling this will be another long post. Maybe I'll divide it into two. DnJ, I have a big piece of the cake I didn't manage to finish in the freezer (more of a hunk than a piece, really); I wish I could send it to you! First, where I left off: feeling so low all weekend, and how that changed.
Originally Posted by DnJ
For what good are beliefs if they cannot handle a challenge; you want strong beliefs. You will challenge them, even if you don’t see yourself doing it. In that view the term setback seems mislabelled doesn’t it?
This is progress, even though it doesn’t feel like it. Remember counterintuitive.
I really needed to hear this: It was the first step in reframing how I felt, and it's now a reminder for me to revisit this on other hard days. It was some relief, DnJ, that the horrible feeling could actually be in part a way of testing my beliefs, could be progress, even though it definitely didn't feel like it. I had to stop crying and re-focus for an interview Sunday afternoon (for a remote very part-time gig, but it would bring in a bit of extra cash). I did that, got groceries, came home to H in his room. I decided it would make me feel better to mow, so I did that. (Okay, H might've been preparing for a nap, but I'd already decided to mow, and he can sleep through anything. ) I started weeding, preparing some areas of the garden I planted last year for the return of flowers. I was outside working for maybe an hour or a little more. That whole time thoughts and feelings came and went like dandelion fluff drifting by. It was like meditating for me, May. I was an an observer, part conscious, part unconscious, while I focused on pulling up weeds.
Originally Posted by DnJ
You feel broken again, right?
Ripped open? Exposed? Vulnerable? Hurt?
Yes. First, lots of angry, sad, jealous stuff, the kind of things I'd been feeling all weekend came out. At some point I noticed those feelings and thoughts were being replaced with kinder ones. Thoughts and feelings of acceptance, wanting to forgive, wanting H to be happy, wanting to let go as H does whatever he thinks he needs to do. I moved around the yard, keeping my focus first on weeding. Gradually I felt much calmer. It was like I'd also been weeding the negative thoughts and feelings from my own mind and body without intending to. By the time I was ready to go back inside, I felt almost light again. I noticed that feeling (belief) of Friday morning return—this is not the end of you two, it will work out somehow—come back. I hadn't expected it to return for a while, since I'd felt so bad. I was so surprised to feel it surface again.
I wrote all of this down in more detail and I'm writing it here too, because it feels like it will be helpful for me to re-read in the future and hopefully helpful for others too. Earlier in the day, I could not have imagined feeling better again that night. Counterintuitive. I know there will be more days where I feel so, so low and have a hard time finding hope—it's just not a straight line, this journey. I needed a bit of physical and mental distraction in order to let my mind rest and work through things. In the end, it really was like I was challenging my beliefs and didn't realize that's what was happening. I can see myself going through cycles of this—I don't think all of those negative thoughts and feelings are gone for good yet, but now I know they can be replaced. I know they aren't beliefs.
I think I'll be spending a lot of time doing yard work this spring...
Post, part 2: Thank you also May, Wooba, PLC, Kindly for your support here on my corner of the board. It means so much. May, I think I missed your V-Day post, and I just came across a recipe that required sourdough starter and was like... do I want to get some? I've always been a bit overwhelmed by the thought of all the feeding that's required, but I guess it probably becomes second nature after a bit, yeah? I was also looking at the King Arthur starter! Wooba, it felt so good to dye my hair at the beginning of the year. Just a refresh.
The latest trend here of H being gone every night (though he's usually home by 10 or 11) has continued from last week. I did have trouble readjusting after I realized I'd gotten used to him being home almost every night prior to that, which had at first been such a surprise. I do find myself wondering why he's distancing himself now again, though I try not to dwell on it—sure, maybe it was because I made a move on him, but for a whole week after that nothing changed in his behavior. If I'm zigzagging on my journey, he might as well be too, especially if depression is part of it. He's got a photobooth photo of him and his (girl) friend in his room, from their V-Day evening. He knows I go in there from time to time, since our clothes storage spills over there. I know they could be just friends or they could be something more. Even in high school, his best friends were girls. (Now I'm like, another sign of NGS? Ah.) Either way, she's someone who only knows him as he presents himself now. Either way, I miss taking those photos with him. Well, it hasn't messed with my overall PMA too much this week. Keep the focus on me, right?
Two things that stuck out to me this morning, from Job and Steve85 in response to KitCat. A reminder that I have thought as much about my sitch, but don't often give my own words the consideration they deserve. I'm too close to my own sitch but also don't trust myself enough.
Originally Posted by Steve85
I've seen a lot of these sitches KC. And in the one's where a WAS wanted to be out the door as soon as possible....they were.
Originally Posted by job
Actions speak louder than words and quite frankly, right now, his actions don't match up w/his words. If he truly wanted out, he would have been gone by now and either stayed w/his parents full time or w/some of his friends/co-workers.
Anyway, I made shortbread cookies for a friend this morning. And ate a few myself.
I love the weeding meditation. That is amazing. I wonder if I approached weeding (which I hate, have zero patience for) as meditation (which I also have such a difficult time with) I could combine two undesirable but important activities into one. And actually make some progress SOMEWHERE. It sounds like it was exactly what you needed. Plus, you got the weeding done. Yay Cardinal!!
On the sourdough starter-- I just keep mine in my fridge and take it out a day or so before I want to use it. Feed it and it pops right back. No need to keep it on your kitchen counter and feed it every 12 hours. Mine was in the fridge for a year and still came right back once I fed it a couple of times.
Sometimes I feel like the vets tell the brand-new newbies relax! Gift of time! He would have already left if he really wanted to! And then when you do relax and aren't freaking out anymore they say don't get your hopes up and why are you holding on so hard? When he wants to R you will KNOW, otherwise you'll be confused. So back off. Maybe we are told what we need to hear when we need to hear it, and it is all about staying the course and DBing away regardless of what your WS is doing around you.
I think I'll make some sort of yummy dessert tonight-- you've inspired me. (I just ate two more delicious chocolates once I read about your cake in the freezer.)
Hang in there!
M
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
My hair color actually didn’t turn out to be what I was hoping for. The stylist convinced me (I’m easily convinced) to do something lighter and I was a little shocked when it was revealed. I’ve always had bad luck with hair appointments. Lol!!! But I do feel like a new person. It is sort of fun to have a change anyway!!
When posters come to the various forums, they are shocked, emotional and are bouncing all over the place asking themselves what has happened, what have I done to drive this person away, what can I do to bring them back, etc. The lbs tend to ask all sorts of questions and many think that they have driven the spouses away. We attempt to calm the posters down...breathe and take a step back for a bit. Generally, people cannot think straight when they are so shocked and emotional. However, as people begin to settle down, we try to encourage them to focus on themselves and their children and continue on "as if" the spouse may not return. There is never a guarantee that a spouse will return, but by taking the pressure off of him/her, it is giving them the time to think about what they've done or are doing. The begging, pleading, constant contact, etc. doesn't help the lbs convince the wayward/mlc spouses back. In fact, it makes them that much more determined to leave the lbs.
DBing is really about helping you, the lbs. It helps you to to find your footing, to become more independent and helps you to learn how to react to a spouse's behavior. DBing helps to prepare you for whatever may happen. DBing can be used in your day-to-day life w/others as well.
Some of us will post that the lbs needs to prepare for the worse and hope for the better because there is no way that any of us can predict what a spouse will do. I do not encourage following time tables or putting your hopes on percentages because each and every person is unique, childhood is unique and the coping skills are unique. The Board is only a small percentage of people in crisis. There are some who succeed and do not return to post about their success because they are busy creating a new relationship/marriage. However, there are a few that do return and they will advise posters that reconciliation is very difficult because both parties are different after the crisis and a new relationship has to blossom in order for them to continue forward as a couple. Reconciliation is not a walk in a park by any means. It means leaving past behaviors behind and creating a new relationship w/the spouse that had walked away and is now wanting to reconcile.
We advise posters to take what they think they can use from the advise and the rest...ignore. Also, we advise that if something isn't working, try something else. No two situations are alike, but all of them have very similar "traits" in how a crisis begins.
We do hope that each and every poster will find his/her way along the path of self discovery and no matter what the outcome, each and every poster is a success story in my books. Trying to focus on yourselves and doing what you need to do to survive this ordeal takes a lot of courage, strength and patience. As has been pointed out to many, it's a marathon, not a sprint and you will have good days and bad days...because we are all human. There will be days when you want to throw in the towel and question whether it is the right thing to do. If you question if it's the right thing to do, then you aren't ready to call it quits. You, and only you, will know when you have had enough and will know what you need to do to move forward w/your life.
Take the time while your spouse is out there and rediscover you. You will be surprised at what you learn about yourself along the way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I don't know if I should post this--it seems so trivial, in light of everything--but he bought a record player and set it up in his room. Ours hasn't worked for years, so our records have just set there, waiting to be listened to. We talked about getting a new one but never made it a priority. He never seemed that interested. Now he's buying records again. I feel angry, and though I know that will pass pretty quickly, I still feel it. It's like he's reaching back to the time we were in college, but keeping everything contained in his room bubble, separate from me. I guess I should be glad he didn't set it up at his (girl) friend's house or someone else's house, but my immediate reaction is, Why won't he just move out?!
You are seeing a teenager/young adult at play. You may see a lot more of this behavior. MLC is all about the past and they do go back in time and revisit all areas of their past lives.
Why won't he move out? There are a number of possible reasons: 1) he's comfortable in your home; 2) he feels no pressure from you, but the minute you start pressuring him about something, he'll threaten a move, etc.; 3) it's cheaper to live at home w/"mom"; and 4) maybe the girlfriend doesn't have the proper space for him to move in.
Have you read HaWho's postings? Her h behaved like a teenager/young adult for quite some time and lived in the basement dorm room for a while until he finally moved out.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
All those possible reasons and probably more! I tend to think it's another step that would be more reality than fun fantasy, and that's part of it. I don't even think I feel a need to know an answer to the question, so much as I know the fact that he's still here is making it harder for me to move on as much as I could be by this point. If he needs to leave and go try out this new life for real, sometimes I feel like the sooner that happens, the better, in the long run, and I get frustrated. Probably me wanting to control this process again.
I have read HaWho's postings. I wish we had a basement! Ha. I have to walk by his room every time I go in or out of the house. He's seemed so much less teenagerish this year in some ways, and it's not a stretch to think this is just him getting back to something he/we both loved. Part of his journey to find out who he is again. Either way, it's his journey, and I can't control it, so if I can get to a place where I can let go of all of these things he does as soon as I notice them, that would be ideal.
So, obviously, I also haven't reached the stage where he could tell me he's had an orgy with 22 women, and I respond with a shrug (outwardly, maybe, but inwardly is a different story). Every time I see some glimpse of this friend, my emotions skyrocket for a bit. His best friend was a woman for our entire marriage and it never bothered me—he was unhappy with that relationship too, so the new friend is, he thinks, a much better replacement. Whenever I imagine it could be more than friendship, it takes a lot of effort to push it out of my mind and refocus on anything else. I feel naive or dumb. I feel my self-confidence slipping. I feel myself expending too much energy on someone I don't know. Logically: it's not about me! It's not about her! It's about him. Emotionally: Why not me? How do you all do it? How do you stay so strong?
Since he's started being gone every evening again, I feel myself wanting to initiate more conversation with him; whereas, when he was around every day, it felt more like he was pursuing me, and I was totally fine with not engaging at all. Now I want to ask him about the records, just have a fun conversation with him about music. But I sense he wouldn't want a conversation the way he did a couple weeks ago. I feel the power shifting, and it's because I'm giving him that power in my mind. I will not engage him, won't do that dance. I need to get back to indifference. I'll continue to let him engage me, and if he doesn't want to do that for a while, fine.
More proof that I'm zigzagging on this journey. I just have to keep going.
You are definitely doing great Not an easy place to be watching the person you love be so distant and not knowing where anything is going and It is the dance we all have to do This is a temporary place and the more you can continue being detached but cordial and kind while also creating a new life, new hobbies, new activities and friends
will be best for you...only time will really tell what he does
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Maybe I'll divide it into two. DnJ, I have a big piece of the cake I didn't manage to finish in the freezer (more of a hunk than a piece, really); I wish I could send it to you! First, where I left off: feeling so low all weekend, and how that changed.
) I started weeding, preparing some areas of the garden I planted last year for the return of flowers. I was outside working for maybe an hour or a little more. That whole time thoughts and feelings came and went like dandelion fluff drifting by. It was like meditating for me, May. I was an an observer, part conscious, part unconscious, while I focused on pulling up weeds. 