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unchien #2887686 03/01/20 07:54 PM
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Fear of them drifting away if you let her control and dominate custody is valid. You can see that happening in other situations here and offline. For some reason it seems more common for dads to allow that than moms.




unchien #2887731 03/02/20 07:27 AM
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Thanks LH and CW. I should have an update end of the week on my situation.

LH your words about digging out of this hole myself ring true. Not just the situation but feeling the lack of community. Only I can fix it.

CW I can see how some dads may give up in these situations to keep the peace. My own father did that in his first marriage (my mom was his second wife). He had a son and his XW made things miserable. I am not going to do the same.

unchien #2887787 03/02/20 03:05 PM
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Feel like journaling a bit this morning ~

My L is on top of things and we have a mediation session Thursday. I have no idea which path things will take (i.e., whether mediation will even work). But I have a plan to stand up for what I want. The current situation must change and I can't keep waiting.

That being said... I feel like I have hit maximum frustration. I've been on DB forums for 10 months, I've learned how to manage my emotions, neither repressing them nor acting out on them. And I'm at this point where I am just p*ssed off the last few days. I'm not out-of-my-mind angry, but still... angry.

I used to have an analogy that my W leaving our MR was like a rocket ship launching into orbit. And she needed fuel for her launch. Everything became fuel for her anger.

I feel now like I am building my own rocket ship. And I am finding my own fuel. I don't feel good about it. But I must build this rocket.

I have so many strong conflicting feelings. Confidence and strength about doing what I think is right. But also aggravation and anger.

My son just turned 8. I barely saw him for his birthday. He is in therapy. My W has accused me of being the cause of his difficulties. He has a GPS tracking watch. She's living in a home I pay for and for some reason (possibly an OM, possibly her own internal fears) never wants to exchange the kids there. She doesn't work even though she rents office space. She paid for a house cleaner last week. I'm ticked off. I don't *like* being ticked off. I feel like I should have learned from DB by now how to manage that kind of feeling better.

I've read other people's sitches in my 10 months here. Sometimes I have been shocked by the anger and hurt -- "Why haven't they learned anything?" I sometimes thought.

Now I understand.

It's not a misogynistic anger. It's not blaming her for my problems. I allowed things to go on. I contributed to my MR erosion.

But I don't know how I'm going to get over the resentment. Other than taking steps to move on with my life and living with the consequences of that. She is manipulative and controlling and entitled, and I have allowed it to go on. If I press back on anything... ANYTHING... she immediately alludes to her "concerns." I don't like saying those things (manipulative, controlling, entitled), I resist labeling people and pigeon-holing them in a box, but there... it's how I feel, I'm not going to deny it just to act as if I'm really good at DB'ing. I've "allowed" her to manipulate and control, yes, but I'm not going to take responsibility for her part in this. I'm tired of empathizing with her struggle. I don't care. My empathy account is drawn down. The past year plus has been absolute h3ll for me and it was not necessary.

This doesn't mean I won't be pleasant and neighborly in our interactions. I can do all that. That has not been a problem for me.

My kids may end up resenting me. They may drift apart. I can tell my 8 year old is on the path now towards no longer being that little boy. They may feel like I ruined their M's life. I can't control them, I can only be there for them in the best way that I can be, flawed and all. I'm not a perfect dad. Sometimes I feel like I'm not connecting with them. But I'm doing the best I can.

I hope this didn't come across as an angry diatribe. It helps to get this stuff out rather than bottle it in.

unchien #2887792 03/02/20 03:21 PM
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unchien- I donít have any wise words for you....just stopping by to show support. Iím so sorry you are feeling this way. I understand your frustration and anger, and I imagine that Iíd feel the same in your shoes.

Be the best dad you can be when you have your kids. They will grow up, and they will be able to think for themselves at some point. You do not need to be perfect, nobodyís perfect. 8 is still little. Kids may seem gullible, but they are observant. with time they will be able to make their own decisions of what kind of people daddy&mommy are.

Stay strong. It is good that you are being honest with your feelings.


BD: Sep 2019
D in progress
unchien #2887799 03/02/20 04:01 PM
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I am actually glad you got to the pissed off stage. Use that anger to help you make smart choices for your future.

Get the best deal you possibly can for you and your kids. Don't let your W dictate the terms. Your kids are young, what you sign up for now will impact you for the rest of your life.

So far you have shown up to a gun fight with a stick. Time to turn the tables.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
unchien #2887800 03/02/20 04:25 PM
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U,

This goes back to what I said earlier. No one will ever do or say to you what you wonít allow them to.

Iím not paying for an office you donít use
Iím not paying for a cleaner when you donít work
Iím not having my son wear a monitor when heís with me

What is behind your fear right now?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ÔŅĹHappiness equals reality minus expectationsÔŅĹ- Magliozzi
unchien #2887806 03/02/20 04:40 PM
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LH - on the payment stuff our finances are merged. This is going to be addressed this week. One way or another.

unchien #2887807 03/02/20 04:43 PM
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I should add my L is helping with a strategy on the finances point because it can get complicated in my state.

unchien #2887808 03/02/20 04:47 PM
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Unchien, it doesn't come off as a diatribe. Anger is useful if it drives you to change--e.g., not allowing her to continue to dominate custody or take more than her fair share of your assets/income. Your messages read like you're playing a long game, trying to align the dominos just right. I hope you do act soon. wink

Originally Posted by unchien
My W has accused me of being the cause of his difficulties.

Ex says, blah blah blah - managing her feelings isn't your job.

Originally Posted by unchien
She's living in a home I pay for and for some reason (possibly an OM, possibly her own internal fears) never wants to exchange the kids there.

My ex and I exchange at school or outside our homes--I've never invited my ex inside MY home. It's a boundary. This is an easy one to let go. Plenty of single parents do McDonalds exchanges.

Quote
She doesn't work even though she rents office space. She paid for a house cleaner last week. I'm ticked off. I don't *like* being ticked off.

If you're paying her "market rate" alimony and child support, how she spends her money is her business. If you're paying more--well, that's silly. Don't make it even easier to move on. wink

Last edited by CWarrior; 03/02/20 04:48 PM.


unchien #2887824 03/02/20 06:08 PM
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Originally Posted by unchien


I used to have an analogy that my W leaving our MR was like a rocket ship launching into orbit. And she needed fuel for her launch. Everything became fuel for her anger.

I feel now like I am building my own rocket ship. And I am finding my own fuel. I don't feel good about it. But I must build this rocket.

I have so many strong conflicting feelings. Confidence and strength about doing what I think is right. But also aggravation and anger.


Hey U - sorry you are having to deal with all of this. It [censored] - there's no 2 ways about it.

Many people here are going to disagree with what I post next. But it is the way I try to look at things. Note that I say "try" because I am not always successful at doing it. It is always a work in progress.

You do not have to build that rocket. You do not need to find fuel for anger. Those are consequences of a decision you are making, a choice to handle this situation with anger.

It is ok to be angry. It is a perfectly natural reaction to all of our situations. It is good to find an outlet for that anger.

But please, PLEASE do not involve your kids in this - at all costs. Even if W is doing all kinds of crazy things on her end, YOU be the rock. Be the immovable steadiness of a mountain made of granite.

Is this easy? [Censored] no. It is the hardest thing in the world to do.

You cannot defeat anger and hate with more anger and hate. The only way you can defeat anger and hate is with love. As ridiculous as that sounds, and as much flak as I will take for saying that - find a way, whatever that way is, to not translate that anger to your kids.

Anger is a very powerful emotion and it can grab hold of you and never let go. That's not what you want to show your kids and that's not how you want to live the rest of your life.

Originally Posted by unchien

But I don't know how I'm going to get over the resentment. Other than taking steps to move on with my life and living with the consequences of that. She is manipulative and controlling and entitled, and I have allowed it to go on. If I press back on anything... ANYTHING... she immediately alludes to her "concerns." I don't like saying those things (manipulative, controlling, entitled), I resist labeling people and pigeon-holing them in a box, but there... it's how I feel, I'm not going to deny it just to act as if I'm really good at DB'ing. I've "allowed" her to manipulate and control, yes, but I'm not going to take responsibility for her part in this. I'm tired of empathizing with her struggle. I don't care. My empathy account is drawn down. The past year plus has been absolute h3ll for me and it was not necessary.

This doesn't mean I won't be pleasant and neighborly in our interactions. I can do all that. That has not been a problem for me.

My kids may end up resenting me. They may drift apart. I can tell my 8 year old is on the path now towards no longer being that little boy. They may feel like I ruined their M's life. I can't control them, I can only be there for them in the best way that I can be, flawed and all. I'm not a perfect dad. Sometimes I feel like I'm not connecting with them. But I'm doing the best I can.

I hope this didn't come across as an angry diatribe. It helps to get this stuff out rather than bottle it in.


It is ok to vent. Again, this is perfectly normal. None of us haven't felt what you feel at one point or another.

As far as resentment goes, the way you get over it is you choose to.

You choose to forgive your W. Even if you never say it out loud. You choose to forgive yourself for what has happened. And you let go of that rope. Let W go live her life. That's what she wants, right?

I wish I had more concrete advice but the particulars are up to you. And you CAN do this. Look how far you've come already.

Take care of yourself, man - and stay strong smile

Last edited by IronWill; 03/02/20 06:15 PM. Reason: IronWill can't spell
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