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unchien #2887835 03/02/20 06:56 PM
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IW - I respect what you are saying.

I will be able to work on the resentment once I have a stable situation. Right now I am sacrificing time with my kids and money for no good reason. I feel now is not the time for me to work through my resentment.

As for putting the kids in the middle, I mean, Iím going to fight for 50-50. That is just the right thing to do. Iíve taken classes and read books on how to minimize the impact of divorce on my kids and I intend to do my part to do this right. However... the ďeasyĒ thing to do for my kids would be accept less time with them and continue to provide a soft landing for my W. I am not going to play along anymore. I empathize with how difficult this transition may be for my W, but Iím no longer accommodating a lousy situation.

unchien #2887836 03/02/20 06:58 PM
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I feel like you have done everything humanly possible to make this as positive as it could be for your W and your kids. You have now come up to the realization that your W is incapable of working with you in this space. I think you're now taking the absolutely appropriate actions to protect yourself, your children, and quite frankly your W who seems to be going off the deep end. If she ever comes out of this fog she will be deeply ashamed for her behavior through all of this.

What is best for your kids? HAVING AN ACTIVE FATHER IN THEIR LIVES. Especially your son. There is so, so much data on this. It is NOT in their best interest for you to roll over and cave to their mom. It might feel easier on them in the short term, but it won't be in the long term. These are two little humans who you are responsible to raise and turn into kind and productive adults. I don't GAF how mad their mom is going to be and neither should you. You owe it to THEM to stand up for your parental rights and if anger helps you fuel that ship, I think it is OK. It is not a selfish anger. It is a just and terrible momma bear anger and you have it and you use it to help propel you to do the right thing.

To just push back a tiny bit on what IW says above... you aren't involving your kids in this. Your W is, by limiting your interactions with them. You are being the rock by protecting them and standing up for their rights to have both parents 50/50. Yes, it wouldn't be healthy to scream vitriol at your W in front of the kids, or let them see your anger. It is OK to let that anger be the fuel that lets to do difficult things. MLK Jr had a lot of anger. Of course he did. How could he not? His genius is that he channeled it into positive and productive actions and words and changed the world.

And once this is all done? Yes, forgive your W and love as hard as you can on your kids because they'll need it. That anger will no longer serve its purpose and you can let it go. But maybe you need it right now and that is okay.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
unchien #2887849 03/02/20 08:21 PM
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Thanks may. I agree. I donít think she will ever be ashamed and thatís fine.

W had offered me time with S last weekend to celebrate his birthday but then other plans were made. It really frustrates me to have that offered and then pulled back. Iím trying to get an hour for dinner with him this week. I do not like this feeling that there is a gatekeeper.

Lesson learned. She will accommodate to a small degree but not to a reasonable degree. Next birthday I will plan my own party and fun.

unchien #2887851 03/02/20 08:34 PM
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U,

Sheís the gatekeeper because you allow her to be. This needs to stop.

unchien #2887852 03/02/20 08:36 PM
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Right but I need legal action for this to happen.

Last edited by unchien; 03/02/20 08:37 PM.
unchien #2887854 03/02/20 08:43 PM
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Can I ask why?

unchien #2887856 03/02/20 09:03 PM
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Originally Posted by unchien
IW - I respect what you are saying.

I will be able to work on the resentment once I have a stable situation. Right now I am sacrificing time with my kids and money for no good reason. I feel now is not the time for me to work through my resentment.


I humbly and respectfully disagree with you, U. There will never be "the right time". Things will always be in flux. Life is inherently not stable.

I know you have to do what you have to do. And I also respect your feelings and your thoughts. It's that I don't see things the same way. Maybe it is because I was raised in a dysfunctional environment that developed in strikingly the same way yours is right now. I see the parallels and it is eerily familiar.

I know it is not the same, no two situations are. But I would not want any child to have to go through what me and my siblings went through. And the alarm bells were blaring when I read your post.

I wouldn't have said anything otherwise - and like I said, I know others will disagree with me. That's fine. It's my opinion, from personal experience - and I thought it remiss if I said nothing.

Originally Posted by unchien

As for putting the kids in the middle, I mean, Iím going to fight for 50-50. That is just the right thing to do. Iíve taken classes and read books on how to minimize the impact of divorce on my kids and I intend to do my part to do this right. However... the ďeasyĒ thing to do for my kids would be accept less time with them and continue to provide a soft landing for my W. I am not going to play along anymore. I empathize with how difficult this transition may be for my W, but Iím no longer accommodating a lousy situation.


I'm not suggesting you lay down and give up or roll over, here. You of course have to stand up and fight for what you believe. Absolutely 100 percent. I'm also not telling you to provide any soft landing for W. I'm simply suggesting you do not react with anger through your L when the process starts. Take your time, let the emotions settle, think about if there are other options with your L. Knee jerk reactions here can have lifelong consequences.

Devils advocate here - you say you want 50/50. Assuming mediation is exactly what it's definition is, and a compromise solution is offered, would 40/60 be acceptable? Or is it worth fighting back and forth in court and potentially alienating your kids in that process for that extra 10 percent?

That's a real world scenario that actually happened in my life. My F fought for full custody, got 25/75, then M fought for more CS, then more custody, then full custody, then F fought for less CS and more tax deductions, then more custody then my M took F to court for failure to pay extra CS, then M put us in and took us out of IC, then F refused...etc etc etc ad nauseum. For almost 10 years this went on, who knows how many tens of thousands of dollars wasted, not to mention damage to all of us kids.

By the time it was all said and done, and the situation had "stabilized", 2 of us had grown up and moved out, the third was in third year of HS. And none of us wanted anything to do with our parents.

That's what anger gets you.

Something to think about anyway.

unchien #2887858 03/02/20 09:11 PM
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Originally Posted by "LH19"
Sheís the gatekeeper because you allow her to be. This needs to stop.

Originally Posted by unchien
Right but I need legal action for this to happen.

It's not "Ex-Wife is gatekeeper until the courts weigh-in", it's "Unchien and Ex-Wife are equal gatekeepers until the court weighs in." If you both want to spend time with S on his birthday weekend, you are equally entitled. Possible exceptions--you've signed away rights, the court's already stepped in, the status quo is you don't see your kids on birthdays, your kids don't want to spend time with you.

LH19 #2887862 03/02/20 10:02 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19
Can I ask why?
Absolutely.

What we are doing now (W living in the house, me paying all the bills, 30/70 timeshare with the kids) is basically what we agreed to at the start of S. We negotiated these items in "MC" (you know my feelings on what happened in MC). Outside of MC, we have been unable to come to agreements and hold each other accountable. "I'm not okay with that" is the stock answer from W.

I stopped going to MC in December because it was "child safety class" every time we went. It would have been the one forum to make incremental changes.

I haven't been entirely mute asking for changes. When I do assert myself, she tends to raise her "concerns" and shut down the conversation. Again, "I'm not okay with that" and then her own reasoning for what she thinks is best.

So the question is how can I get changes to the 3 major items: custody/timeshare, finances, and the house.

I have mediation. That is one forum, and I am trying. I am also proceeding with L advice, as mediation to date has not been very productive.

Traveler #2887863 03/02/20 10:03 PM
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by "LH19"
Sheís the gatekeeper because you allow her to be. This needs to stop.

Originally Posted by unchien
Right but I need legal action for this to happen.

It's not "Ex-Wife is gatekeeper until the courts weigh-in", it's "Unchien and Ex-Wife are equal gatekeepers until the court weighs in." If you both want to spend time with S on his birthday weekend, you are equally entitled. Possible exceptions--you've signed away rights, the court's already stepped in, the status quo is you don't see your kids on birthdays, your kids don't want to spend time with you.

Let's say my W wanted more time than she has now. I would be the gatekeeper.

We have established precedent during our S. I would like to change it, she wouldn't. Without 3rd party assistance we are unable to make changes. It just is what it is. I try, she shuts it down. If she tried to ask for more money, I would shut it down.

Hopefully we can have a productive mediation session this week.

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