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#2883352 01/31/20 03:27 PM
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unchien #2883356 01/31/20 03:44 PM
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Originally Posted by FlySolo
I completely get you. It still hits me too. The loneliness. The emptiness. Like you I am a big fan of meditation. Live in the present, right?. But, sometimes, just sometimes, I miss making plans. My H and I had so many plans. Then I push the thought to the side, and try and come back to the present. But it creeps back.

The choice as to whether it's a major turning point (or not) is yours. You can continue as you are or you can choose to let go. If you do your co-parenting relationship will take a hit, but it will equalise once again in time.

I also miss those plans we had. It is hard to let go.

Meditation does help live in the present, but my enthusiasm for meditation centers around the fact that it is so frustrating and maddening and yet... it leaves space for just that. I really enjoy the guided meditations and how they help develop self-compassion. Sometimes sitting and meditating is the last thing I want to do. It can be so NOT calming. Yesterday's meditation theme was "I don't want to be meditating right now." It was fantastic. It was 14 minutes of squirming around hating it, and 1 minute of really enjoying a moment of tranquility.

Originally Posted by IronWill
Do you think you will ever become fully detached? I think this is something we all focus on, and strive to, but - especially if you have kids together - it will always be there in the background.

I think about this alot. It is a goal that I have in mind that I know is not fully achievable, but still a goal worth striving towards.

On the anxiety ~ co-dependency is a tricky subject with a lot of gray area too. Even the healthiest relationships involve helping each other out. Sometimes I think of my issues and try to differentiate between having a shoulder to lean on or using a crutch. Either way, that shoulder/crutch is gone now.

I am quite mind-f*cked by the entire last year plus. I know I have issues, but so does everybody else. My W has pathologized and dissected and categorized me. She works in the mental health field. I don't want to exaggerate it, but I do think it's THAT specific aspect of our situation that has traumatized me. It's going to take me time to disconnect from it.

Originally Posted by IHCLACS
Ever notice all throughout most of our lives and experiences, the greatest ones are when we are in the moment, out of our own heads, and in someone else's? Or out of our heads, and in an experience with someone or something else? Or enjoying the present and planning for the future, and when those planned future events come to pass, having gratitude and doing it again.

Absolutely. It's all about seeking and creating more of those opportunities.

unchien #2883535 02/01/20 05:41 PM
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I found out today W has consulted with a L with a highly litigious reputation. Big law firm, known for spending both parties into the hole. Known for aggressive tactics.

Iíve also heard of cases where law firms can put a lien on your house then draw off the equity. Given my W is attached to the house emotionally, and is not financially savvy, I worry about her falling for this kind of tactic.

Iím trying to stay calm as I think she was directed to this person and never bothered to shop around. There are ethical complaints online about this individual, claiming they are in cahoots with local judges. Like... first page of web search results, it doesnít take any digging. If I were going to retain somebody I would have seen these red flags and taken a pass.

I canít tell if she is naive and only consulted one L. I think that is the case - before I moved out I found this personís name on a note.

The Cold War comes to mind. Two sides afraid of the other, if one side flinches all h3ll may break loose.

Anyways... Iím still hoping to avoid the courtroom route. Should know more in the next week. Iím aware the above is all about my W but Iím trying to work through my fears that she is going to do something like L up, file, and get aggressive. I have taken some steps to protect myself while still leaving open the possibility we can work this out.

unchien #2883539 02/01/20 06:35 PM
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Hi Unchien,

Do you have an attorney you trust? When my ex-wife first obtained an attorney I was worried. I retained good counsel and those worries melted away. There is a balance point--the norm for divorces in your state for your custody %s. The other side can spend hours on a crazy proposal, and mine spends 15-30 minutes finding a good response, e.g. "They'll win that, go with it." or "They're blowing smoke, ignore it."

Originally Posted by unchien
Iíve also heard of cases where law firms can put a lien on your house then draw off the equity.
"Mr. Attorney, the house is 50% mine. Do I need to do anything to protect my half?"

Originally Posted by unchien
There are ethical complaints online about this individual, claiming they are in cahoots with local judges.
If favors are part of your area's court system, ensure your attorney's plugged into that, too? wink

Traveler #2883589 02/02/20 05:18 AM
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Hi Unchien,

Do you have an attorney you trust? When my ex-wife first obtained an attorney I was worried. I retained good counsel and those worries melted away. There is a balance point--the norm for divorces in your state for your custody %s. The other side can spend hours on a crazy proposal, and mine spends 15-30 minutes finding a good response, e.g. "They'll win that, go with it." or "They're blowing smoke, ignore it."

Hey CW ~

I have good counsel at the ready (and I have the same mindset as you for the type of attorney I would like to have).

I'm giving mediation one chance, going in with an open mind, but I am expecting after the very first session I will have a good idea if it has a chance of working out and can decide accordingly then. Short leash.

One day I will post here more details about some of the more recent things that have happened. Stopping MC (a.k.a. "child safety class") was one of the best decisions I have ever made. One unfortunate (or maybe fortunate) side effect is that communication has ground almost to a halt (not that our communication was great beforehand). W is asking me to agree on crazy things... schedules for the next full calendar year, some wild financial proposals, etc... and I keep responding (e-mail or text "I prefer to discuss this in mediation." On the other hand, she has ignored simple requests I have made for things in the next 2 weeks. It's frustrating but for now I'm deferring it all to mediation.

It is a weird tenuous peace right now. I have less time with the kids than I want, and financially this is an absolute running disaster that is eating up our assets. We communicate here and there but it's just not great for the kids. My W has some fairly lopsided views of what the D outcome will look like, which worries me, because I can't gauge whether or not she's going to go full legal when she realizes her fantasy is unrealistic. I have chosen to defer these discussions to mediation, because in the past she has said I was "out of control" or "angry" or "delusional" in conversations where I was completely calm. So I haven't really revealed much about what I want. I feel like I have been muzzled with all the lingering threats in the last year, and so it may surprise her when I ask for what is basically your standard average agreement.

I think it's pretty simple though. I'll try mediation. If we are far apart, or if she is employing certain tactics, I will choose a different path. I can't be worried about her choice of counsel, or her decision-making. I can't be worried about being the villain any longer -- pretty sure that will be the case no matter how I conduct myself.

unchien #2883597 02/02/20 08:02 AM
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Originally Posted by unchien


I am quite mind-f*cked by the entire last year plus. I know I have issues, but so does everybody else. My W has pathologized and dissected and categorized me. She works in the mental health field. I don't want to exaggerate it, but I do think it's THAT specific aspect of our situation that has traumatized me. It's going to take me time to disconnect from it.


I think sometimes we analyze people and we are some amount of right; but mostly we do it to get a handle on our feelings. If we can label someone and objectify them, we can feel better that something is wrong with them and it's not us. So I am guessing she is doing this for that reason. She needs is to be your fault, because you are x label, and its not her.


the best apology is changed behavior.
***************
me: 45 h: 48
m: 23 T: 26
DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
unchien #2883649 02/02/20 05:08 PM
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Uchien I hope you lawyer up soon. Your wife has the advantage and she may come out way better than you imagine. You need a litigator yesterday. They sit quietly by but are prepared to strike the minute you give the order. I lawyered up before H did. We now have equally matched lawyers and Iím prepared to go to trial. Hope for the best prepare for the worst. I donít trust your wife at all.

unchien #2883822 02/03/20 06:13 PM
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kas ~ I have a plan Iím comfortable with. I try not to operate out of fear that the worst will happen, although it certainly could.

I still have slim hope we can mediate - we both do - but we are far apart on almost every issue. I get dispirited. We donít actually have agreement on a schedule right now, we are just leaving everything to mediation. We are basically month-to-month and itís all tenuous and not in writing.

I lean towards L-assisted mediation (where we avoid court but let the Lís do the negotiating). I believe that would be the best approach for both of us. I really donít know... Iíll stay open minded about mediation but Iím not overly optimistic either.

unchien #2883850 02/03/20 09:13 PM
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Unchien

Your plan sounds like a good one - one that tries to stay true to your values. I would however just make sure you know up front what you want to get out of mediation. Things that are non-negotiable, things which you are willing to move on etc.

[Quote = unchien] W is asking me to agree on crazy things... schedules for the next full calendar year, some wild financial proposals, etc... and I keep responding (e-mail or text "I prefer to discuss this in mediation." On the other hand, she has ignored simple requests I have made for things in the next 2 weeks. It's frustrating but for now I'm deferring it all to mediation. [/quote]

Think of this as a god send, these are little windows into your W's thinking. It will show you what's important to her - so you know what you are in for and better prepared. I am not saying be mercenary. Just like any other negotiation, it is good to know what things the other party values.

We have spent a lot of time on the fence, waiting, watching, hoping. This is when all that meditation, all those breathing excercises will come to the fore. The discussions will be emotional. It will help if you are not.

Oh, and be fair, she is the mother of your children and you will be in each others lives FOREVER but also don't take any crap.


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

unchien #2883870 02/03/20 10:48 PM
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My friend did the L-assisted mediation in CA. It worked well for her, and her exH is a controlling, narcissistic d*ck. She didn't love the process but believes it was better than going to court, and having the L help with the mediation cut out a lot of the garbage he was trying to pull. And they had a number of relatively complicated assets and debts.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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