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C70 #2879217 01/07/20 05:17 PM
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AS/ Steve - You are both right of course. I am fearing the D. Its a conditioning of society though. Divorce sounds final, and for a lot of people it is. What i need to do is swallow the fear, own it and realise it is a path that my W probably needs to take before she can find her happiness again. Whilst not specifically mentioned in correspondence with her or indeed F2F, its something i need to be prepared for. I'm not exactly going to embrace it, however i will approach it with calm, and kindness. I'm glad i posted my fear though, because i do feel empowered to think. I've been mentally preparing a response to my W email, which having read your posts above have me cause to change my approach.

I will post in here a first draft, for critique, because whilst i am in this situation i know everything coming my way is likely to be worse before it gets better, there is also an opportunity for me to grow, solidify my changes, challenge my instincts and show the best version of me. Its action.





C70 #2879355 01/08/20 11:43 AM
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Following up on my W email, i'm proposing the following:

Dear W,

I agree that for the benefit of reducing costs it will be good to minimise any outside involvement.
As much as i don't want any of this, i know that you do and will not stand in your way.
To that end, in reality sadly, our previous chat resulted in a different take on the conversation being taken and i want to ensure that we are clearly in agreement over next steps.
In this case i think we will benefit more from having joint mediation first, in order that we have a framework to work with and perhaps if i can be sure there is no misinterpretation, then we can chat and move forward. In the meantime any discussion on this matter, i think best to keep on e-mail.

Chaz70


Looking for crtique here, i believe this conveys a willingness to discuss but ensure that my boundaries remain intact and that there is no room for any misinterpretation. My W has form on this! Also whilst she is driving this process, i want to ensure that i'm standing up for myself. (A major 180 for me, as i used to bow down to her requests - a NGS trait!)

Let me know your thoughts





C70 #2879384 01/08/20 04:00 PM
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Dear W,

I agree that for the benefit of reducing costs it would be good to minimise any outside involvement. For the record, I still think we should work on the marriage rather than end it, but that is ultimately up to you. Our previous discussion did highlight that we do have some disagreements in how to proceed. There will be a lot of benefit from having an initial joint mediation. Hopefully, that will provide a framework to work from and potentially could mean that we could work together on our own from that point forward.

In the meantime any discussion on this matter, i think best to keep on e-mail.

Chaz70

Last edited by Steve85; 01/08/20 04:00 PM.

M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
C70 #2881477 01/20/20 11:58 AM
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Hi all,

Been a while since I last updated. Since sending above email, there has been no talk about it. Not even a response to acknowledge. I will update with more detail as I’m on my phone right now preparing for mediation in an hour. This is just exchanging financial details, potential living expenditure on the basis of 2 households etc and for the mediation service to get a feel for where we are at in terms of assets. Nothing binding at this stage, I imagine will provide a framework to work with.
Not feeling great about this, it’s a step towards divorce. My W has been trying to bait me recently with remarks I think designed to extract a negative reaction from me. No doubt to justify her narrative. I am just brushing them or ignoring them which is not what she would expect.
I’m reminding myself that this is due process, and not the end yet. It can all be stopped, but I’m also feeling sad it’s come to this. Any reminders that will serve me well today and in the mediation session?





C70 #2881489 01/20/20 12:54 PM
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Originally Posted by C70
Not feeling great about this, it’s a step towards divorce.


Often S and even D have to happen to pave the way for recon. The future has not been written yet.

Quote
My W has been trying to bait me recently with remarks I think designed to extract a negative reaction from me. No doubt to justify her narrative. I am just brushing them or ignoring them which is not what she would expect.


I would say you are correct and your reaction is perfect.

Quote
Any reminders that will serve me well today and in the mediation session?


Be polite and respectful but firm. Do not give concessions simply hoping she will see you in a better light. When LBS's stand up for themselves in S and D proceedings it actually gains them some respect. When they roll over and try to appease their WAS then she has even less respect for him.

Good luck, you can do this!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
C70 #2882298 01/25/20 04:42 PM
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How are things going, Chaz?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
C70 #2883152 01/30/20 04:55 PM
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Hi all, and thanks Sandi for checking up!

Have been on the board following everyones journeys, and will continue to do so.

As for me? I think i'm done.
In the last couple of weeks, things have crystallized to the extent i have been questioning what i want, what changes are being enforced on me by W and all the rest of it.
We went to mediation 20th Jan, since then my W has been on a mission to try and move things on quickly with the result that one of us is looking for somewhere to live. Net result is she has funding in place to take on mortgage, whilst i settle elsewhere, get into the groove of co-parenting and kids get used to spending 50/50 time with us both. Prior to now neither of us had this option, hence remaining IHS, however i believe she has significant funding help from her parents.

Before now, i was in the place of standing, being the lighthouse to essentially enable an option to R whilst IHS. Now, i'm not sure i want to R, throughout DBing, GAL and detaching i have monitored my increasing ambivalence to any related to my W. I have noted particularly that she has not once asked about my depression, the steps i have taken with it, the counselling nor attempted to even understand the affect it had on me and consequently our R. Since BD she has consistently used it as a tool to bad mouth me, I understand a WAS will re-write history to suit the current narrative, but the complete lack of any empathy shows me a person that really doesn't care. And as i look back i also realise that i have lived with someone who is incredibly self absorbed, selfish and who will only act out of self interest. These traits are even more pronounced now.

I'm now finding myself actually wanting to leave, a mixture of guilt that the kids will now lead a life with parents living separately but consoling myself i did my best to hold on. I just can't do it anymore. I have detached so much, that i can't stand the limbo. Of course i'm mindful that this position of walking away might seem appealing to a WAS, but in my case i don't believe it will do so and even if it did i would make her jump through hoops to even consider anything remotely close to a R.

Reading this all back, i just feel empty. It hasn't turned out how i thought it might, but i'm ok with that now. Who knows what is around the corner, good times i hope, certainly i look forward to spending quality time with my kids and do my best for them without this black cloud hanging over me.

I will stay on the board, because so many people have been so amazing, so helpful and restored my faith in humanity that people really do care. You are a special bunch of guys/gals on here and hopefully i can pay it forward with someone elses story.

Chaz





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