Not a time limit per se. More a line in the sand. Our mortgage jumps to variable on May 1st. This is about a £500 pound increase in monthly payments. I could, all things being good work wise, absorb that or I could go to a fixed term (3yrs) and it would reduce marginally. Both options reduce on interest only. I don't want to be tied into a three year deal given uncertainty, and applying for interest only may be rejected due to current uncertainty around IR35. I am looking to move to variable (and absorb the £500) but that gives me the option to leave when it suits. Ideally, I'd like to stay for 2 years (until D10 goes to HS) but I may want to move before that if something suitable comes along. I can't do any of that if he stops paying the bills and D10's school fees (as this would increase my monthly outgoings by and additional £1000 per month). So, we are stuck at a cross roads. I can't stay if he won't continue paying.
I found the IC really useful. The one I saw immediately after BD was a 'lets talk about your childhood and why you choose the men you do' kind of therapist. The first few sessions I found useful, but after a bit we just rehashed old ground. This one is much more practical (she got a white board out).
She pick up on two things:
1. My sense of self is generally extremely 'healthy'. Accomplished, clever, attractive, well liked etc etc. So my head can't get around the fact that he left me. My brain is permanently stuck in 'he sees something wrong with me that I can't see, therefore, if he comes back, then the thing that was wrong with me wasn't really wrong'. So, I go round and round in circles. Trying to fix something with logic that isn't logical.
2. My ability to appear outwardly OK and inwardly a mess (taking Yails point above). Even under extreme stress (I am not sleeping and not eating and my mind is a constant whirl of H related thoughts) I appear confident, happy and capable. I can separate my inward mess from my outward action, i.e. getting sh!t done. I guess this is a good thing but I am not sure if that means I will ever be able to process the inward stuff properly.
Originally Posted by Yail
You are always advocating for what is fair: no more, no less.
I think I am being fair. I certainly don't want to scr*w anyone over. I have seen how these things turn into dog fights over the most petty of things and that isn't healthy for anyone so I am trying not to escalate but at the same time stand my ground. Do no harm. Take no sh!t. It's a difficult rope to walk.
Strangely, we have had more communication in the last few days than we have had for a long time. We are averaging about 30 messages a day about the house, about the kids, and about the god awful rumour that has been going around that he sh@gged the lady from the office at my daughters school (back to what my IC said, my feeling when I heard was 'but she's nothing' which you can read as 'I must really be awful if he'd rather that than me'). He even called me three times today. More than cordial. Friendly, even conspiratorial. Maybe he is feeling relief that it is nearly over (though this doesn't fit with the I want you to stay in the house stance), maybe because I am so apparently 'ok' with the whole thing, he is letting his guard down. I don't know tbh.
I agree, things are coming to a head. I guess that's why my mind and my body is betraying me all of a sudden. After our long (and at times comfortable) limbo, my body is sensing the change and it is going into it's freeze response. I know that it will be better on the other side (whatever that is). But it's going to be he!! for a while.
Last edited by job; 02/03/2002:32 PM. Reason: added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
