At first, my anger helped propel me through a lot of the difficult stuff. My anger made no room fro depression. As strange as it may sound, I'm very thankful for my anger during hardest parts of my separation and divorce.
Frankly, I regret not embracing my anger when the EA/PA was first revealed. From that moment forward I was all about "fixing" the problems, bending over backwards and walking on eggshells to show my ex that I was taking all this seriously. There was never any focus on how the EA/PA affected me. The folks on this board tried to encourage me to take a more tough love approach but I didn't have it in me. I was too afraid that she'd leave for good and sue me into the poor house. So she did a lot of cake eating over the next year or so. But I am thankful that at least I stood my ground and didn't move out.
Originally Posted by Maika
I look back at the mistakes in my marriage and remind myself that I did the absolute best I could do with what I knew at that time.... However... If I can be compassionate and gentle with myself...then I have to offer the same perspective for what exW did and is continuing to do.
There's the rub. I'm always comparing the mistakes we both made and my reaction is always the same:
"Yes, there were times when I didn't contribute 100% to the marriage. I had long bouts of selfishness and introversion. I wasn't emotionally available at crucial times. But I never set out to consciously sabotage the relatioship by cheating. And when the real problems in the marriage revealed themselves I sprang into action."
I know there are flaws in this type of thinking and it's likely that my ex has a different take on what happened and how she got to her breaking point. But I still go around feeling like I was the one who was wronged, that our problems were never resolved, and that if she had just met me half-way we could have worked through our issues and stayed together. I think this lingering resentment is why I feel stuck and unable to move forward. It's easier to embrace this "poor me" attitude than rise above it and move on.
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Forgiveness is a tricky thing - many times you feel like you have forgiven someone but then they go ahead and do something and your resentment starts over all again showing you that you have not really forgiven them.
Rather than focusing on forgiving the other person, I find that it is easier to focus on your own healing from the hurt they caused you. When you heal, the forgiveness automatically follows. There is a saying that "resentment is like holding burning coal in your hand. The only person that gets hurt is you". So, at some point as you heal you forgive them because you are no longer angry and resentful. This is not because you are forgiving them for their sake but because you have moved on from them and they don't hold the power over you to hurt you anymore.
But I still go around feeling like I was the one who was wronged, that our problems were never resolved, and that if she had just met me half-way we could have worked through our issues and stayed together.
You have written exactly what I went through - word for word.
You have to figure out a pattern interrupt when you get these thoughts or get in a funky mood. Go do something and distract yourself. And forgiveness for someone else will come automatically when you forgive yourself. and that comes through actions and grieving and making amends towards yourself.
Did you listen to the podcast I told you about? It has a powerful process for self-forgiveness. The only way out of this is through action. You have to force yourself to do these things. You can sit and mull and wallow away, and there is a time for that, but you have to get yourself out of that couch and start walking the path.
I hope this doesn't sound callous. I am super attuned to where you are. I was there, trust me. No amount of intellectual self-reflection changed anything. When I combined that reflection with action, that's when things took a positive turn.
Don't beat yourself up for where you are right now. It's okay. It's natural. But try and do a little bit differently tomorrow.
I have no desire to forgive. He doesn’t deserve that. The truth is, (and it’s something that was often ignored in newcomers when I first signed on in 2015) cheating spouses are abusive. They deceive, they gaslight (worst form of emotional abuse) they expose you to serious stds. I know someone that contacted HIV from her husband and found out while she was pregnant. A few on the boards contacted stds -
The focus should have been on rightful anger and having the strength to leave. Not on kissing their a$$es so that they could reconcile. They were treated like prizes we had to win back in the name of family and for some religion. But that’s just messed up. You deserve more. And it’s better for the kids to have a separated family then to see mom or dad being abused.
I think you felt traumatized because you were. If your ex stabbed you with a knife no one would have been teaching you techniques with the goal of reconciling. Her cheating and abuse was just as bad from an emotional standpoint and it takes a lot of time to get past.
It depends on how you view forgiveness. I consider forgiveness just not letting the wrongdoing consume me or make me bitter. I consider forgoveness no longer having the desire to seek revenge or see the other person suffer. To stop trying to make someone else pay for their wrong doings.
Forgiving is making sure the other persons wrongdoing doesn’t ruin your own life
The focus should have been on rightful anger and having the strength to leave. Not on kissing their a$$es so that they could reconcile. They were treated like prizes we had to win back in the name of family and for some religion. But that’s just messed up.
I've gotta say, I agree with JujuB. I wanted a reconciliation, but my observation has been that all the game playing and @ss kissing doesn't work very well. I truly believe that in most cases, booting the offending spouse out on their useless @ss, as soon as possible, is the best approach. Furthermore, if you read about people who are piercing or did "save" the marriage, it seems like trust in the spouse never fully returns; that's a cr@ppy way to have to live life.
Forgiveness isn't about cleansing the slate for the other person. It is about yourself. I wouldn't worry about trying to forgive someone else, but just focus on healing yourself and giving kindness, compassion to yourself so that you can move forward in life.
Because we can't link to external webpages, I'll share how you can find this article. Google 'baggagereclaim' and find the website of Natalie Lue. Search for 'forgiveness' on her site and click on the first article that shows up - 'forgiveness isn't about agreeing with or condoning the other person's actions'.
I used to read that over and over again until I was able to integrate it into my thinking and actions.
I also think you have to ask yourself what kind of person you want to be. Do you want to stay bitter? resentful? angry? No judgment on my part if that's where you feel safe and comfortable for now, but do you want to live your whole life like that? Yeh, people did heinous things and it $ucks, but do you want your future to be defined by that?
Also, what doodler said above is majorly true about recon and piecing.
