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ovrrnbw #2882978 01/29/20 07:37 PM
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There is legal separation. We are doing a non legal separation, which is just like it sounds: separation without the paperwork. W wishes are to D amicable, and file together. We have both expressed that neither of us want another D(she was very upset and crying as she said this too).

COheartb #2882982 01/29/20 07:52 PM
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Originally Posted by COheartb
There is legal separation. We are doing a non legal separation, which is just like it sounds: separation without the paperwork. W wishes are to D amicable, and file together. We have both expressed that neither of us want another D(she was very upset and crying as she said this too).


Man you take everything she says as Gospel. Last I checked I don't pursue things I don't want.

My final advice to you until you are ready to start reading DR, listening to the advice here, and stop making excuses: Get a lawyer. You will need it.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
SteveLW #2882990 01/29/20 08:17 PM
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I don’t take it as gospel. No I’m not getting a lawyer, or I’m not giving up. I know what I did in our R and have taken responsibility for it. If you knew about depression, it would make sense

COheartb #2882991 01/29/20 08:22 PM
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COheartb get Divorce Remedy ASAP. Read it. Until then read Michelle's blogs and ALL the links in Cadet's post. If withdrawal/stone walling was who you were in your M you won't win her with silence/NC. I'm not real clear on where you mixed up not pursuing with going dark. I think you need to do some more reading before arbitrarily trying techniques.

Next I know Steve85 is pushing you pretty hard about moving out but he's right. You had no reason to move out. You choose to go, If you wanted your M that bad 4 weeks ago you would've stayed. You lost ground by leaving instead of saying "Uh, no we're married, I'm a problem here but I'm not leaving." The fact is you're already out of the house. I have no idea if it's a good idea to force yourself back in or not. You have a child that'll keep you connected whether you go back immediately or not. Have you discussed placement/visitation/childcare? Bills? Business things about this separation? That's your in with her and maybe your way back into the house even if it's in her name. Even if it's in separate rooms. You have to decide what's best for you.

You're clearly aware of all the problems you caused in the relationship. I suggest you start there. Stop focusing on chasing her and start fixing you. You have a good handle on what's broken. Address your mental health first. Listen to me as a person with depression. Make sure you are staying in touch with your GP, therapist and/or psychiatrist. if you don't have a therapist get one. Stop eating garbage. I'm serious. Eat food that will spoil if left out. And a lot of it. Stop with what's quick and easy just because it's quick and easy. Go for a walk, or a run if you're fit enough, every day. Shower every day. Twice a day sometimes. Get your hair cut, and make future appointments. Shave regularly. Buy a couple new items for your closet, something that makes you feel good. Maybe a new cologne. Reach out to friends you haven't hung out with in a while. A depressed brain stays that way with or without meds if you don't kick start it back to normal mode.You gotta act like the normies to be one. All of the above is part of GALing. And it's a part of you healing.

Lastly, I say this as a woman, you were a miserable a$$ by your own admission, now you're being a pathetic a$$. Stop begging. She showed/told you she doesn't want you chasing her right now. Accept it. You've admitted fault. At least I hope you have at some point in all the begging. That's all fine and well, but it's just words. Go prove her wrong about you. Actions speak louder than words and a hell of a lot louder than crying. Go fix you. Starting working on how to be a better you. No snide remarks. Nix the negativity. Quit the lack of resolve. Commit to the change so she knows you can commit to her. Be present when you are asked to be. Fully present. That's 180ing.

COheartb #2882994 01/29/20 08:31 PM
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And get a lawyer. You **need** to protect yourself starting now.

COheartb #2882995 01/29/20 08:42 PM
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I'm with firemann on that even though you're vehemently against it. At least a consultation. My WH is still very tentatively and arbitrarily throwing around D. It's only been mentioned twice, and when asked when and how he'd like to proceed I get nothing but a look of confusion. We're also still under the same roof. If she's got a plan you need to get one too. If nothing else you need to work on the vistation/placement/childcare issues. That really needs to be in writing even if you guys decide this is going to be a temporary separation.

COheartb #2882996 01/29/20 08:46 PM
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Originally Posted by COheartb
There is legal separation. We are doing a non legal separation, which is just like it sounds: separation without the paperwork. W wishes are to D amicable, and file together. We have both expressed that neither of us want another D(she was very upset and crying as she said this too).

Talk to a lawyer immediately if not sooner.

My guess is that the lawyer says get back in the house asap.

There's nothing amicable about terminating a lifelong commitment.

I would also not "file together". That would make you complicit in the divorce. Let her file, unless you want a divorce that is. I'm assuming you do not.

And wayfarer, great post.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
wayfarer #2883000 01/29/20 09:03 PM
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Wayfarer, I started my 180 the day after: went on a diet, got rid of SM, sold Xbox. . I probably did lose ground by moving out, however there’s not a path back into the house yet. I did admit guilt for my issues in the R, apologized and I was forgiven. Last M I did nothing but lip service: said I was going to change, didn’t do a thing. This one I have never been more driven to change, permanently. I refuse to go back to my old self: I’ve been taking meds, have been going to counselor for 3 months. That’s why Sunday was painful for me: do I love her-yes, do I want to save this M-yes. Did she notice changes-yes, crying too little too late(maybe true don’t know). Hard part is stop to chasing, I do it to not lose hope, and to be opposite of what I was in the M.

COheartb #2883005 01/29/20 09:23 PM
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Originally Posted by COheartb
I don’t take it as gospel. No I’m not getting a lawyer, or I’m not giving up. I know what I did in our R and have taken responsibility for it. If you knew about depression, it would make sense


My W is on 2 anti-depressant medications. That fact is how I initially found this forum. Why do you fight the advice here so hard? The advice is by people who have been through it, multiple times in some of our cases.

I will pray for your situation.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
SteveLW #2883014 01/29/20 09:49 PM
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She’s not the enemy, the way she feels about me and the way I feel is the enemy. So why get a lawyer when everything so far has been above board? I trust her, never has given me a reason not to. H3ll the lawyer I talked to suggested we work it out, he did and there was an A involved! No,as I stated before, neither of us want a divorce. I am dragging my feet. I didn’t give any excuses, I know what I did and have addressed my mistakes, started 180’s. Big issues trust and respect: I can regain trust by being a man of my word again, keeping commitments. Respect will come from me building my self esteem(can’t love her unless I can love myself) which I had on meds, and had when I took new meds. Thanks for the prayers, I pray every day for guidance, hope, soften her heart, and reconciliation. I wasn’t ready for that on Sunday, made mistakes that reenforced her decision, and was told I haven’t changed. I did see some hope, and everything I’ve learned is no contact doesn’t work, need to reestablish the connection.

Last edited by job; 01/29/20 10:08 PM. Reason: edited language
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