Recap: 5 months post BD. W asked to reconcile after 4 months, after I set boundaries. Probably let her back too easy. We are back in limbo however her walls are down, she acts pleasant most of the time. Some disrespect still that I address. Dont think we are really reconciling, rather we live is moderate peace coexisting.
If I believe what W says, she needs space yet wants to stay in our home together for 5 plus more years for the kids. Kids are amazing, Im in IC, and I've completed 3 of my fitness goals. Keeping up with my other goals. Still having trouble focusing at work. Anxiety flares- I know triggers and quit caffeine, alcohol. Recently read attachment theory stuff and think I'm preoccupied/anxious and W is disorganized. A toxic combo. We worked great before kids, so I know we can find a baseline but I believe she needs to take action on her end to get us there if we reconcile.
Good points LH, Green and Cwarrior. CW I hadnt heard that before so it seems attachment styles change and can be changed. Trying to keep the head up and focusing on the kids.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
I checked phone records today to see if anything suspicious is going on. One of the weird numbers going to Ws phone stopped. She vehemently denied that this was OM when I brought it up im the past. Weird it stops after our reconcile chat when I mentioned where the number was being masked from. There's another odd number showing up which I didnt let her know I knew about. The problem is I don't know if its for an app or what and cell history wont let me go back far enough to see if it happened before OM.
I ask and checked phone records as Im still confused as to whether we are on a slow reconcile or if shes cake eating. If I take any action to protect myself from her, I risk her going back behind her walls killing the reconcile. If I dont take any action, I may be played for a fool again and at this point would not be willing to work on the M anymore. As we are right now, the kids have two loving cooperative parents at home.
How do I take action? She is so easily hurt and takes everything the wrong way. I'm thinking back to setting a schedule and splitting time with the kids as some have previously suggested yet if I do that after she let down her walls and is open to trusting, wouldnt this just hurt her all over again? Do I sacrifice my romantic life for the kids? I miss touch and intimacy but cherish the kids more than that.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Snooping is tricky. Once you know she's cheating, not much point and it can be hurtful (and become compulsive) for you. Sometimes, however, particularly if you think you might be heading in the right direction, "collecting some Intel", as both my DB coach and my MC called it, can be helpful IF you know you can handle it and if you are mindful about how you do it. If that's the case with this phone number, there are cheap online services, "WhoEasy" is one, that will reverse lookup the owners of phone numbers. Note that it will NOT tell you the owner of burner phones.
Please note that I offer the above as a tool, a small tool, that may help provide you some info if you absolutely need it. The gathering of Intel on your wife and checking up on her should not be considered to be a core DB principle (I certainly probably did more than most, but my situation was unique in many ways, and I did not become derailed by it or obsessive of it... It was merely an informational tool.) That said, you have far far far more important things to worry about, all of which have been detailed in your threads here. THOSE are your priority.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
HJ-interesting. I tried site and got no results, maybe that proves its a spoofed number. I completely agree theres a number of other things I should focus on, nice 2x4 right there.
LH and Ginger, the thing is, Ive no proof she's cheating now, just a suspicion. The number could be anything, such as a bank texting you to authenticate or a random spam. She's not super careful with her personal info so it could be benign. I dont want to take any drastic action if nothing is actually happening.
She is a way different person now than when I know she was talking to OM and got caught. So either they went underground or she did stop. No clue, I cant trust her and shes rarely been one to open up. Thinking back on our entire relationship, I can think of maybe 3 times she started a relationship chat. Even if I do things right and she wants to come back, I have a feeling she would sit there and watch versus initiate. We could be at that point with her waiting for me to make a move.
If I assume all is on the rebound, keep gal and 180s, the kids can remain raised by their mom and live with both parents. If I stir the pot unnecessarily and we D now, the kids go to daycare, kids get chaos during their critical years and we all live in poverty.
I'd like solid evidence before that kind of risk but dont know how to get it other than asking W to log in to our cell provider site so I can see online texts which I know is a huge DB no, no, as its very controlling, untrusting and shows pursuit.
She makes me dinners, leaves food out for me, helps my friends with issues, asks my opinion on kid stuff, says good night etc...are these crumbs to feed me or signs that shes coming around? I cant have a chat per DB rules so how am I supposed to know as this person is a massive introvert with no initiative. Her childhood was horrible so I get why shes protected. Why risk damaging this person more by me separating time while we could be on the mend?
The last thing, when she had what I'd call a nervous breakdown shortly after she asked to reconcile, as she cried and panicked saying the cause was her fear of us ending up in this place again, I think she was 100% truthful. She seems scared to reconcile and is protecting herself right now. I was no monster and I know that from IC but in her mind and from her damaged childhood, I seem that way to her at this moment. I pictures her almost as if she was our D4 huddling in a closet crying. Are other WASs like this? My focus did shift back to her, after her life challenges, I would feel like a monster implementing tough love. I'd be likened in her mind to her negligent mother or controlling grandfather.
I am so lost with how to DB without damaging my kids mom.
Last edited by Core; 01/29/2003:44 PM.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
I get so sad thinking about what she went through growing up, and that she found me to protect and cherish her. I thought myself secure at the time but slipped in to anxiety as intimacy diminished. She is a good person at heart, despite her hard life. I made some mistakes which are forgivable for most people but apparently not for her. I don't think she has much control over what she's doing, how she feels and is insecure and in constant fear.
I can't save this person but I want to. She's my W and mother of my two beautiful kids. I cry occasionally just thinking about her sitch from her POV and jaded thinking.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Snooping is tricky. Once you know she's cheating, not much point and it can be hurtful (and become compulsive) for you. Sometimes, however, particularly if you think you might be heading in the right direction, "collecting some Intel", as both my DB coach and my MC called it, can be helpful IF you know you can handle it and if you are mindful about how you do it. If that's the case with this phone number, there are cheap online services, "WhoEasy" is one, that will reverse lookup the owners of phone numbers. Note that it will NOT tell you the owner of burner phones.
Please note that I offer the above as a tool, a small tool, that may help provide you some info if you absolutely need it. The gathering of Intel on your wife and checking up on her should not be considered to be a core DB principle (I certainly probably did more than most, but my situation was unique in many ways, and I did not become derailed by it or obsessive of it... It was merely an informational tool.) That said, you have far far far more important things to worry about, all of which have been detailed in your threads here. THOSE are your priority.
Hoos is dead on here. I was a chronic snooper. Never got me anywhere. It is lose lose proposition. You go into it hoping to find nothing (so that is the best outcome that you can have) and are devastated at the smallest finding. And then it does nothing to change anything.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I get so sad thinking about what she went through growing up, and that she found me to protect and cherish her. I thought myself secure at the time but slipped in to anxiety as intimacy diminished. She is a good person at heart, despite her hard life. I made some mistakes which are forgivable for most people but apparently not for her. I don't think she has much control over what she's doing, how she feels and is insecure and in constant fear.
I can't save this person but I want to. She's my W and mother of my two beautiful kids. I cry occasionally just thinking about her sitch from her POV and jaded thinking.
Remember: When she wants to recommit to the marriage, you will now. When she doesn't you will be confused.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
