Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11
kas99 #2882560 01/27/20 05:33 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
K
kas99 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
I don't know if H rewrote history or if I was really as awful as he says I was. Yes I am mentally ill but I still bent myself into a pretzel trying to get him to love me, to have fun, to do things but what I got was a guy who acted like I was bothering him. This made me angry then he got to turn it around and say "see it's your fault". It was always either my fault or an excuse. I was so in love and deeply codependent that I accepted whatever crumb he offered me.

He cooked an actual meal last night. S19 was there and D14 said it smelled funny (she ate with me). I laughed because I have that recipe and it's over 40 years old. This recipe is online and I'm sure they are all great but it's not the same as what I have.

Last edited by kas99; 01/27/20 05:35 PM.
kas99 #2882574 01/27/20 06:26 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
K
kas99 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
I'm working diligently to fix my codependency issues. I have plenty of dreams it's just I get stuck thinking I can't do them alone. I think I can't do anything alone and that my life is over.

Okay fine he's gone and I can either wither up and die or evolve. Took D14 shopping for the dance. I started feeling sorry for myself I want to wear a nice dress and have my H tell me how great I look. I stopped and thought why do I need this?? I look great. I've lost weight, I got my hair done, I could buy a new dress, I could even go out on a date. I could pretend I just went to a party and wear the darn thing to the grocery store, turn a few heads, will this make me feel better about my life??

No.

And there it is. Still believing my happiness is out there somewhere. Logically I get this but emotionally I do not.

kas99 #2882608 01/27/20 09:12 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
K
kas99 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
Work is a complete disaster today. One fire after another. OMG. I'm surprisingly calm but dang. My co manager who does everything is in the hospital so tag I'm it. Have a meeting right now that I do not have time for.

Okay I've got my kids, a job, my health, my house is clean....find my happy place.

kas99 #2882612 01/27/20 09:30 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
K
kas99 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
I read some after D stories and honestly is anyone other than the people that walked out happy?

kas99 #2882626 01/28/20 12:24 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
I think my ex-wife is happy. She’s had a partner for 1-2 years, and went to see his family for Thanksgiving. It took her longer to recover, but it probably was closer to equal, if you consider it took me a year to decide to walk away.

It’s easy to forget the walkaway spouse’s pain and healing began earlier.

kas99 #2882695 01/28/20 02:08 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
K
kas99 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
CW you planned to leave your wife for a year and didn't tell her. You announce your decision to divorce by having her served. Then you give her false hope by not finalizing the divorce for 3 years. You go on to get into a 5 year relationship and you leave her too You post here that you didn't love her. You say your ex wife wasn't a nice person so who knows maybe she has learned and is happy now. Who knows.

I'm not doing well.

kas99 #2882711 01/28/20 02:50 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
K
kas99 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
D17 is worried about me. D19, who is wise beyond his years, is giving me dire warnings about my plans. D14 is happy that I am giving her attention but I think she is suffering the most. I've adjusted mentally to the part where I'm going to be on my own for quite some time. I think financially I'll be okay if I get a decent settlement.

How does this work when you get old and/or sick? H had skin cancer and I took care of him for 2 weeks. I've had 2 surgeries already. One took 4 months to recover (severe injury), the other a few weeks. He won't have this problem. Ever. He has money and he will remarry.

I have no family just my kids.

kas99 #2882715 01/28/20 03:07 PM
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 616
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 616
Originally Posted by kas99
I read some after D stories and honestly is anyone other than the people that walked out happy?

My W walked out, and I thought my life was over. I was a miserable, depressed wreck. Over a year and a half later, we were divorced. By then , I was the happiest I have been in years. I never thought happiness like this could exist. It was the principles of DB'ing that got me there. I learned to detach and not get caught up in the $hitshow she was creating. I began to live my life for myself and my kids. I GAL'd like no other and realized my happiness was my responsibility and no one else's. I learned that loving myself was more important than dwelling on how unfair I thought everything was. Now I am a single father with full custody of my 3 small children and loving it. As cliché as it sounds, appreciate what you have. You say you have no family, just your kids. I say you have a wonderful family of kids. As much as it hurts right now, remember that you're alive, and that's half the battle. Enjoy your life with your kids. It's too short to waste on anyone that doesn't want to be a part of it...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
kas99 #2882728 01/28/20 03:33 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
K
kas99 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
I appreciate any and all words of encouragement. Dying, drowning....

Thanks mtb be back shortly to hang on every word.

A key employee is in the hospital and I have NO idea how I'm going to get everything done here AND take care of 3 kids by myself.

I also got a BS complaint about my managerial skills - went all the way to the top. My boss is defending me but still it stung. My employees don't get that this is a gov't job. I have no power.


Last edited by kas99; 01/28/20 03:35 PM.
kas99 #2882761 01/28/20 05:43 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
Originally Posted by kas99
I'm not doing well.

I'm so sorry to hear that. (((Hugs))) The cloudy/rainy week in most of the US likely doesn't help. I like that you report happy days too, now.. like you're nearer to the edge of the storm. You often find friends and help at work, so it must be terrible to feel under siege there as well.

Originally Posted by kas99
You say your ex wife wasn't a nice person so who knows maybe she has learned and is happy now. Who knows.

She was a depressed person, who wasn't seeking adequate treatment.

She seems happy! It's 9yrs later, but at hand-off more smiling and fewer sob stories. She took her first vacation in ~15yrs to see his family this Thanksgiving. She negotiated with me to get herself to 50% custody.

I'm satisfied my ex-girlfriend of 2.5yrs gave up (if she wouldn't fight, too) 7 months after BD. I put in a good stand considering the length of our relationship, am free to find my own happiness, and in love again!

Originally Posted by kas99
You go on to get into a 5 year relationship and you leave her too You post here that you didn't love her.

Yep. Never loved the woman I dated for 5yrs after my ex-wife. Admitted that point blank many times. That I could love again with my ex-girlfriend of 2.5yrs was a revelation. Apparently, I still can love.

Originally Posted by kas99
CW you planned to leave your wife for a year and didn't tell her. You announce your decision to divorce by having her served. Then you give her false hope by not finalizing the divorce for 3 years.

Two clarifications:

1. I didn't plan my exit for a year, I did plan that I would exit if she didn't make positive changes.

2. I didn't "give her" false hope. I stated clearly we were over. I now realize LBS often read a great deal into their WAS' decision not to complete a divorce, so in the same position I'd have completed it sooner.

Last edited by CWarrior; 01/28/20 05:52 PM.
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard