Hi everyone. Just coming back to do some journaling - seems I come back every month or so!
I've had a really, really interesting month since my last post. Obviously, the holidays were very difficult, my first one by myself and with us separated. I am grateful to be able to lean on my family as not everyone has that luxury, but it was a tough sled for sure, as was New Years. But it is what it is.
Professionally, my life is going extremely well. I am not sure if I mentioned it in my last post, but I left my old job in November of last year. A lot of my friends thought I was nuts because it was my dream job on paper: C-level job for the dominant player in my preferred industry, but I wasn't happy. It was too political, too slow, too bureaucractic..and my heart wasn't in it, certainly not since my separation. When WAW wasn't working and focusing on her art, I was happy to deal with it and support our family, but now that we're apart and she's back to work, it was that much harder for me to get up in the morning.
Anyway, I wanted to go back to early-stage tech and my entrepreneurial background, so I did. And last week I closed a very large seed investment from a dream venture capital partner. It came together very quickly and it's honestly a bit scary - particularly because I don't have the support network I once had. But I'm also extremely excited, not just because of the opportunity but because it also feels like I'm getting back (at least work-wise) my true self.
For some background on what I mean by that, when I first met WAW, I was in the early stage of starting my first company. I don't come from money by any means so starting out my first time was incredibly risky and a massive disruption to the trajectory of my career - but I didn't care. I was driven, I had a vision for what I wanted, and I went after it. Four years later I sold the company to the firm I just left, and WAW was there for the entire ride. As cheesy as it might sound, I do still view the success of that company as a story of us and not just a story of me, and in the pursuit of being the best version of myself I can be (and AMOAFWL), I'm excited to get back at it.
As far as she and I go, more of the same, really. We're still extremely cordial, and there are fairly frequent signs that she is still thinking of me: she'll send me links that I'd like, that sort of thing. We meet every few weeks to discuss logistics and finances, but that really only takes a few minutes - the rest of the time we just catch up. I mostly just listen and focus on validating the things that are bothering her, as she's very stressed between her job and the multiple volunteer/political things she does. It's nice; we make each other laugh very easily, and when we sit down and work on a problem together (such as her campaign website), we make a pretty formidable team. I'm still very physically attracted to her; I suspect I always will be.
Against the advice of the chorus on here, I did end up sending her a Christmas card with a letter inside. I was sort of surprised that she didn't mention it at all until I found out yesterday when we met that she never read it. She and her father do not speak at all (nor was he at our wedding), and I believe three years ago, he sent her a Christmas card and a letter as well, one that was very manipulative/guilt-inducing that put her in a bad place. She said that when she saw my card with my letter, she immediately put the two in the same bucket, and decided not to read it. I'm definitely not her father - he was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive to her - and obviously I resent the connection, but I understand the emotion behind it and ultimately, I get where she's coming from. I'm sure the same people who thought it was a bad idea will think it's actually a gift in disguise, so I guess we'll see.
One thing my therapist pointed out that I haven't really considered is that she's actually had several rather obvious opportunities to cut the cord between us, and she hasn't done it. When she got her new job for example, she put her paycheck into our joint account just like I did, even though she started a few months after we separated. She never mentions divorce, never mentions any romantic interests (not that she has time for them), and as I said above, exhibits some signs of still thinking of me. Better than nothing, I guess.
As far as how I'm doing emotionally, some days are good, some days are bad. I'd love to say that I was over it, that I wasn't still heartbroken, but there's no point in lying to you. Today was actually pretty rough; immediately after the news about Kobe Bryant, I was on the subway heading to my office when the train was stopped for an hour due to a death on the track ahead of us. Both events reminded me so much of how fragile life is and how quickly things can change. I have so many regrets for taking the MR for granted and for times I wish I would have made it clear how much she meant to me. I can't change anything, but it hurts to be without your life partner, particularly on sad days like today.
Generally the plan stays the same: get well. Keep staying fit, commit to eating healthy, keep honestly working on the areas in which I caused conflict in the MR, and use this time to my advantage to be the best version of myself I can be. It's so tough to hear her talk about how hard the holidays were for her, or how stressed she is, because all I want to do is be there for her and support her, but I can't. I still love her, and I want so much for the opportunity just to start over at square one. Maybe one day. For today, I'll focus on the things I can control.
Against the advice of the chorus on here, I did end up sending her a Christmas card with a letter inside. I was sort of surprised that she didn't mention it at all until I found out yesterday when we met that she never read it. She and her father do not speak at all (nor was he at our wedding), and I believe three years ago, he sent her a Christmas card and a letter as well, one that was very manipulative/guilt-inducing that put her in a bad place. She said that when she saw my card with my letter, she immediately put the two in the same bucket, and decided not to read it. I'm definitely not her father - he was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive to her - and obviously I resent the connection, but I understand the emotion behind it and ultimately, I get where she's coming from. I'm sure the same people who thought it was a bad idea will think it's actually a gift in disguise, so I guess we'll see.
How does it make you feel knowing she didn't read it?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Against the advice of the chorus on here, I did end up sending her a Christmas card with a letter inside. I was sort of surprised that she didn't mention it at all until I found out yesterday when we met that she never read it. She and her father do not speak at all (nor was he at our wedding), and I believe three years ago, he sent her a Christmas card and a letter as well, one that was very manipulative/guilt-inducing that put her in a bad place. She said that when she saw my card with my letter, she immediately put the two in the same bucket, and decided not to read it. I'm definitely not her father - he was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive to her - and obviously I resent the connection, but I understand the emotion behind it and ultimately, I get where she's coming from. I'm sure the same people who thought it was a bad idea will think it's actually a gift in disguise, so I guess we'll see.
How does it make you feel knowing she didn't read it?
Mixed emotions. I do agree with you guys that sending the letter was an action borne out of fear and out of helplessness of the situation - if only she knew how I felt, she'd have a change of heart! As someone said in the previous thread, there have been so many letters sent by LBH, and no one have them have materially changed anything. And I do sort of agree that putting it out there like that adds pressure at a time when pressure is not needed.
On the other hand, it's also a bit frustrating, because I do believe that she has the wrong impressions about a few things. I do think that this S, as painful as it is, has been a blessing because it opened my eyes up to many things I was taking for granted, and allowed me time to work on things to make myself a better future partner. The letter was less about "Oh baby, I'm so lost without you!" and more about the insights that this separation has given me, my commitment to keep working on them, and my belief the problems between us are workable and the natural connection and joy that we bring each other, evidenced by how we still can make each other laugh so easily, is still so obviously there. I'm not just sitting around feeling bad about myself, and I do want her to know that.
Against the advice of the chorus on here, I did end up sending her a Christmas card with a letter inside. I was sort of surprised that she didn't mention it at all until I found out yesterday when we met that she never read it. She and her father do not speak at all (nor was he at our wedding), and I believe three years ago, he sent her a Christmas card and a letter as well, one that was very manipulative/guilt-inducing that put her in a bad place. She said that when she saw my card with my letter, she immediately put the two in the same bucket, and decided not to read it. I'm definitely not her father - he was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive to her - and obviously I resent the connection, but I understand the emotion behind it and ultimately, I get where she's coming from. I'm sure the same people who thought it was a bad idea will think it's actually a gift in disguise, so I guess we'll see.
How does it make you feel knowing she didn't read it?
Mixed emotions. I do agree with you guys that sending the letter was an action borne out of fear and out of helplessness of the situation - if only she knew how I felt, she'd have a change of heart! As someone said in the previous thread, there have been so many letters sent by LBH, and no one have them have materially changed anything. And I do sort of agree that putting it out there like that adds pressure at a time when pressure is not needed.
On the other hand, it's also a bit frustrating, because I do believe that she has the wrong impressions about a few things. I do think that this S, as painful as it is, has been a blessing because it opened my eyes up to many things I was taking for granted, and allowed me time to work on things to make myself a better future partner. The letter was less about "Oh baby, I'm so lost without you!" and more about the insights that this separation has given me, my commitment to keep working on them, and my belief the problems between us are workable and the natural connection and joy that we bring each other, evidenced by how we still can make each other laugh so easily, is still so obviously there. I'm not just sitting around feeling bad about myself, and I do want her to know that.
Awesome response. I love your self insight here.
Now, the reason we tell LBSs not to send letters like this is really two-fold:
1st, it shows you are still too attached. A healthily detached LBS doesn't have a need to send a letter like this.
2nd, because it usually backfires. Usually you feel like you just got kicked in the nuts by the reaction. That is why I asked you how you felt. Actually, your circumstances were about the best it could go. If she had read it I am not sure you would have liked her reaction.
Just keep on DBing!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well, quicker to update than usual, and I wish I had better news. It's over. Probably.
I'm close with WAW's aunt, who was always extremely supportive of me and in many ways my biggest cheerleader. I saw on Facebook that she was having leg surgery, so I sent her a text wishing her well and a speedy recovery, to which she sends me a note back to call her. So I did. And boom, BD. Indirectly.
Apparently WAW told members of her family - not her mom or any of the adults, so to speak, but her cousins that are her proto-sisters - over Christmas that she was done, and that she had decided that she wasn't coming back. It had gotten back to the Aunt, who was appalled that WAW felt this way and hasn't told me yet.
I was floored. Not that I in my heart of hearts expected a different result, but it's so different than what I see out of her when we do get together. If she's done, why did she want to talk about our joint financial accounts, given my new job situation? Why does she smile when she sees me, why do I make her laugh so easily, why does she send me links? She knows I'm on the side of reconciliation and she knows how much this hurts me - how can she know and just let me go through the hell I'm going through?
While that doesn't make sense, other things do. If that's how she felt, of course she didn't read the letter - it was only going to remind her of the damage she's doing. Of course she's working herself to death and shutting out everyone - she doesn't want to think about it. She doesn't want to deal with it.
And I feel like such a fool. I'm not beating myself up for loving her still, I'm not beating myself up for having been optimistic and having a positive attitude, but it is sinking in that I've also been in denial and that has caused my complete inability to detach.
I know the pros on here say believe none of what she says, and half of what she does, but where does that end? I can't imagine that is something she'd tell members of her family unless she was sure.
So I have no idea what to do now. Or what's next. I guess she'll eventually tell me. Or maybe I should stop giving her opportunities to disrespect me and hurt me and file myself.
Any advice is welcome. This is so painful and it's going to be a long, long night and week.
It's ok to have a positive attitude but you have to keep your expectations low. My ex and I had sex until she moved out. It doesn't mean anything. By the time you get here 90% or better of these sitches end in D.
Just because you D doesn't mean it's over. At minimum 50% will regret it. IMO the number one misunderstanding on this board is the timeline. We we say marathon that means 3-5 years not 3-5 months.
Believe it or not you actually decide when it's over.
FWIW, I'm a woman. I would not necessarily believe this. But armed with the knowledge that it's out there, you have time to craft a detached response like Steve always says; i.e., be indifferent and see where that goes. Agree and act as if you think it's a great idea too. DR always talks about trying something new and assessing response. That would be very new. If it's really true and she hasn't told you yet, that means she thinks you'll freak out. An indifferent response might shock her and get her thinking. Talk is cheap, especially when it's to someone who doesn't have a personal stake in the game.
LH: from what I read, it's way more than 50%. The issue is both wanting to reconcile at the same time. The Divorce Care curriculum discusses this at length.
One other thing, Steve. I have endured much the same thing you have except mine has been OVER TWO YEARS. Twice during this time period, mine dangled reconciliation but then took it back. Then he filed for D. There is no AP. In the past couple days I have finally hit my stop loss and am gearing up to walk away. I want more from this life. You'll get there. You sound like quite the catch and NY?? The scale is so skewed in favor of available men there. You'll have a virtual smorgasboard to choose from.
