Quotes Found on DivorceBusting (10)

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2882311#Post2882311

All of you reading Sandi's posts, Cadet's, Job's etc. listen to them...not to be better at your marriage, but to become a better you. Only by knowing how to improve the relationship you have been in the longest, the one with yourself, can your relationship with others reach its fullest potential. I am a better father, professional, and partner to my former WAS from having listened. These hard lessons we learn here come with heartfelt results.

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2882350

I wanted to give an update a few months into piecing. What I have learned :

When someone is truly ready to reconcile you will know . I heard this many times and a few times I thought H was heading that way then he would run back into craziness . You will know when actions are solid . They stay solid.

Let go of every possible outcome . The good , the bad or the unknown . You can’t predict what is going to happen . You can only control you and how you handle you . This was a hard balance “the unknown “

GAL - this for me is still one of my number ones . There are times you just have to take a break and find you . GAL does not have to be sky diving or running a marathon . Sometimes I just go shopping alone and buy house items to decorate . It what I like to do .


Take most of the advice on here not all . I really took time to process what others said to do and applied what worked .


Do not be scared to be you . Be the best you . I spent close to a year walking on egg shells in my house before my husband walked out the door . Why ? Because I didn’t want him to walk out the door . Guess what he did anyway . He also walked back in it because I stopped walking on eggshells and was just a better version of me . I never once asked him to come home . I did make him ask to move home .

So a few months in I can say I do not know how much he has changed but more how I have changed . Minimal disagreements between us but mainly because I have learned not to fuel anything . It’s not that I am a punching bag or he can walk all over me either . I learned to accept some of him . He likes more time out with his friends ... the more I pay no mind to it an odd thing happened he actually invites me to go now . Sometimes I go , sometimes I don’t.

The hurt doesn’t just go away . It’s still there . H has apologized for it more than once it’s just going to take some time . It does get better but sometimes I still look at him and think you destroyed me and now look .

The fog does clear sometimes . My H laid in bed and said I never thought I could be so happy with my wife months ago .

I still plan things without H . Funny thing now is he tends to invite himself . I planned a vacation without him just me and the kids . I have done this before not unusual. He looked at me and said I really wanna go . After I picked myself up off the floor , I actually laughed at him . When he moved out he berated me saying how he hates the vacations I dragged him on for years . He listed every single one in rage .I made sure to point that one out .

I’m not on here as much as I would like but this site didn’t save my marriage . It saved me which then played a big part in saving my marriage . It made me strong . My own person . It was my journal with tears in my eyes some nights .

[oceangrl]

Just posting a reply to bump this thread back up because it's so valuable.

[ovrrnbw]

R2C,

what is that link for the daily stoic? Google qmnsomethingsomething... I can't find that post you made a few weeks ago but I'd like to.

[ovrrnbw]

It was the one where he discuss amor fati and memento mori.

[oceangrl]

It was the one where he discuss amor fati and memento mori.

If you look a couple pages down, it's in the thread I posted about "What DB approaches are right for me?"

[Ready2Change]

It was the one where he discuss amor fati and memento mori.

If you look a couple pages down, it's in the thread I posted about "What DB approaches are right for me?"

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2880699#Post2880699

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2881920#Post2881920

And let me add: IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO DB!!! Or even to implement any particular step/concept of DB.

You want to know what MY low point/nadir/ball-less point was? I'll tell you: Desperate as I was to get back in her good graces, and also completely willingly accepting of the advice of my well-meaning (but woefully misinformed and misguided) buddy... I basically sat my WW down for a relationship talk and, in order to avoid "pressuring" her and in fact take as much pressure as possible off her, told her that I would "release her from her wedding vows." YIKES! This same friend of mine had done just that and said it was "freeing" for him and "opened a new chapter in his relationship with his W" and urged me to do the same! (For those of you who followed my sitch in detail, this is my friend who was a GAL champ, but fell flat on his face in terms of demanding the respect of and properly dealing with his own WW, which WW also happened to be MY ww's bff--- and boy did it blow up in his face: His WW ended up running off with HIS best friend to live on the beach over 1000 miles away and ended up with primary custody of the kids to boot.) At any rate, this "loving, non-controlling" move of mine did NOTHING for my MR. Thankfully, it was not long after that I found this site (or more accurately "returned to" it after my first visit proved confusing and I failed to find the proper "newcomer's" forum) and started to get things turned around. I somewhat shortly thereafter began setting boundaries, one of which was that I would not live in an open MR or share my W with another man. My WW's first objection to this was "but you released me from our vows!" To which I replied: 1) "Such a thing is beyond my power to do and fully in the hands of the almighty" (she is Catholic) and 2) "I wasn't thinking clearly in the immediate aftermath of your betrayal but I am thinking MUCH more clearly, now, thank you!" And that shut that down right damned quick. And we eventually reconciled... but only after she had fully regained her respect for me which required not only the above but, eventually, me completely cutting the cord and walking away from the relationship.

So, look... if I can recover from telling my W she is released from her vows, then you can sure as heck recover from telling her you are leaving the MBR.

Get it together, man! We're all pulling for you but you've got to do the heavy lifting yourself.

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2756237#Post2756237

If you are making progress as a man, that is progress. I doubt the marriage could make real progress without someone moving forward on their own, first.

And you are.

It's hard to measure progress when it's you, other than bigger gaps between anxious moments, and maybe not as intense. And it's not linear.

I have said that ^^ a million times but it's really sinking in more now. We turn corners and then realize there is another corner to get past, b/c this really truly is a marathon.

But it's not endless, and at some point you'll look around and see how far you've come.

Keep at it.

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2882757#Post2882757

I just want to mention a few things: this is your journey. You want to throw in the towel you do that. You want to stand do that. But it seems like you're still on the fence. When you have a decision, you'll know it. It's pretty clear detaching is not working for you, or you're not working it, his behavior should not have this much control over your day to day emotions, no matter how poor his behavior is. I think more IC is a good idea but you'll have to make it a point to focus on detachment skills and ways to combat your anxiety over this. Also, you may also want to ask your IC about situational depression and anxiety and if you should be talking to your GP or a psychiatrist about maybe getting some help during this time in your life.

I am not perfect at this. None of us are, but you seem to really be struggling keeping your emotions in check with him. You can't make a solid decision from a place of chaos. And you can't get out of chaos if you keep obsessing over him and his behavior. He's a garbage person right now. You can't expect him to behave like a saint and lament in your unmet expectations. You wouldn't expect a known thief to not take your things. You can't expect anything from him this includes model husband and father behavior. No matter how much you are owed and deserve that. In fact you shouldn't have any expectations regarding him and his behavior. You need to start living in the space that one day he's just not going to come home any more. The whole point of DBing is getting the LBS to a point where they can live life with or with out their spouse. So they can be a whole healthy person who can lead and control an R with a not so whole healthy person, or move the hell on. If you're not ready to make the decision to stick this out or end this then you need to be ready to at least live your life AS IF he's never going to be him again, AS IF he is no longer a member of that family, AS IF you are over him and his BS behavior. Your mental health can't take staying on this roller coaster. Your health can't take you at this stress level forever. Your kids need an anchor. You need peace. Take it, make it, because your H will never in a million years give it to you.