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Originally Posted by sandi2


FWIW, I was taught that there is a difference in reacting and responding. A reaction is associated with a negative act, whereas, a response is associated with a positive act.



My believe is reacting is responding uncontrolled while responding is a controlled response.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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So I brought up the finances to him - despite him taking over the bills this past year, he is clueless. He told me even if I keep the house, I was in a good spot financially. Ha! I'm left with $120 every two weeks to pay for incidentals and gas.

He's calmly talking about all this as if I asked him what the weather was going to be like tomorrow meanwhile my soul and heart are crumbling.

He is costing his kids their home - their playroom, backyard, bedrooms etc. and is not willing to even try. There is no major event that brought this BD, it was a slow erosion that can be fixed.

I was calm and non-emotional, only needing to stop him one time when we were talking about filing for divorce and how he doesn't see the need to unless one of us plans on re-marrying (which he said he doesn't). I asked him to stop as it's still a bit too fresh of a wound to think of.

I want to scream and cry and break down. I want to go into hiding and never come out.

Last edited by job; 01/27/20 01:29 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
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I found my H love language and built on that . His was clear though I didn’t have to even ask him . He did something I just said thank you softly . Grew from there .

His love language is totally physical touch - which I can't do right now frown

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Be mysterious. Dressing nice is great but how are you being mysterious. I came home with sunburn often . He would dig to see how I got it . Always just said too much sun . I think recently i told him I went out boating with my friends a lot he was still wondering!
I love it! I feel so old - I'm late 30s and we've been together almost 20 years - I don't know how much mystery there is in me!! I need to think on this one

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Enjoy your kids . GAL with them . I bought $6 concert tickets and went out on a Friday night . Found free things to do . Dress nice just to go to the mall . Be a better you . Don’t include him or even tell him .

I'm trying so hard to be a better me. I've started working out, making sure I do my nails (except tonight, it was a bad night)

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You will get stronger. My H still says how did you not cry during all of it . Guess what I did I just never let him know .

I hope so - I need strength right now. He send so many confusing messages IE: helping out with the kids at bedtime whereas before once they were in bed, it was all me, now he's helping. Making lunches and meals, helping with chores etc and then making sure to tell me every week or two that nothing has changed and he still wants out.

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Originally Posted by Steve85
Note: Not reacting is NOT acceptance.


I struggle with this! I think that by not commenting that my H was out all night, he thinks it is ok to continue!!

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Originally Posted by PLC
Originally Posted by Steve85
Note: Not reacting is NOT acceptance.


I struggle with this! I think that by not commenting that my H was out all night, he thinks it is ok to continue!!



Okay, I'll play along. So he thinks it is ok. Now what?


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Hi Steve85-

He thinks it is ok, so he continues that behavior. It sounds dumb, but this situation, has been he is home and in the bedroom with the door closed. I know where he is and I can continue my GAL and he’s home. It is less anxiety inducing.
This is coming from someone who had no idea what he was doing for the three months he was out of the country. When he returned, it was apparent that he was not going to do anything here. So now that it seems as if the OW is over, I am just wondering when the next one will come along and what it will be like.

Any insight? Why am I like this?

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Divorce Remedy came today and I devoured the chapters on depression and MLC. I swear they were describing my H to a T. I feel like a small weight was lifted - I'm not crazy.

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Have you visited the MLC Forum? You should pop over there when you have time and read some of the threads, especially if you think Divorce Remedy was spot in the description of your h.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I haven't yet - (Had to feed the kidlets and get them ready! ) but I will!

This is so hard - H is being so friendly with me, insisting I continue my classes, showing me videos he finds interesting etc. It's all so normal and happy which is a complete contrast to my insides.

He was talking to me about problems at work and I really tried to validate instead of problem-solving. I said things like "That would be frustrating" " I can see why that would upset you" etc

He's talking to me and interacting with me more than before he asked to separate but also brought up separating again.

I have my first IC appt tomorrow - it was a last minute cancellation and I almost didn't take it because of work, but I am putting myself first.

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I think the friendliness is usually guilt-induced. Like other posters have said, also because he’s not sure of his own feelings. Anyone can be a grown up and be “nice” to people, but that’s not really what matters in this case, right?

Take it at face value, don’t dwell in his niceness. Do what you have to do to detach, grow, and love yourself again. I’m glad to hear that you’re putting yourself first.

I understand all this is 10 times harder when you have young children. Hang in there!


BD: Sep 2019
D in progress
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