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#2882350 01/26/20 01:20 AM
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I wanted to give an update a few months into piecing. What I have learned :

When someone is truly ready to reconcile you will know . I heard this many times and a few times I thought H was heading that way then he would run back into craziness . You will know when actions are solid . They stay solid.

Let go of every possible outcome . The good , the bad or the unknown . You can’t predict what is going to happen . You can only control you and how you handle you . This was a hard balance “the unknown “

GAL - this for me is still one of my number ones . There are times you just have to take a break and find you . GAL does not have to be sky diving or running a marathon . Sometimes I just go shopping alone and buy house items to decorate . It what I like to do .


Take most of the advice on here not all . I really took time to process what others said to do and applied what worked .


Do not be scared to be you . Be the best you . I spent close to a year walking on egg shells in my house before my husband walked out the door . Why ? Because I didn’t want him to walk out the door . Guess what he did anyway . He also walked back in it because I stopped walking on eggshells and was just a better version of me . I never once asked him to come home . I did make him ask to move home .

So a few months in I can say I do not know how much he has changed but more how I have changed . Minimal disagreements between us but mainly because I have learned not to fuel anything . It’s not that I am a punching bag or he can walk all over me either . I learned to accept some of him . He likes more time out with his friends ... the more I pay no mind to it an odd thing happened he actually invites me to go now . Sometimes I go , sometimes I don’t.

The hurt doesn’t just go away . It’s still there . H has apologized for it more than once it’s just going to take some time . It does get better but sometimes I still look at him and think you destroyed me and now look .

The fog does clear sometimes . My H laid in bed and said I never thought I could be so happy with my wife months ago .

I still plan things without H . Funny thing now is he tends to invite himself . I planned a vacation without him just me and the kids . I have done this before not unusual. He looked at me and said I really wanna go . After I picked myself up off the floor , I actually laughed at him . When he moved out he berated me saying how he hates the vacations I dragged him on for years . He listed every single one in rage .I made sure to point that one out .

I’m not on here as much as I would like but this site didn’t save my marriage . It saved me which then played a big part in saving my marriage . It made me strong . My own person . It was my journal with tears in my eyes some nights .

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Quote
When someone is truly ready to reconcile you will know . I heard this many times and a few times I thought H was heading that way then he would run back into craziness . You will know when actions are solid . They stay solid.


This hit me hard! H is constantly sending mixed signals that I'm trying to guess if he is interested in the M still or not. I am planning on not thinking about it until it becomes a huge neon sign vs a couple flashing bulbs.

Quote
Let go of every possible outcome . The good , the bad or the unknown . You can’t predict what is going to happen . You can only control you and how you handle you . This was a hard balance “the unknown “

This is so hard for me!!

Quote
GAL - this for me is still one of my number ones . There are times you just have to take a break and find you . GAL does not have to be sky diving or running a marathon . Sometimes I just go shopping alone and buy house items to decorate . It what I like to do .


Do not be scared to be you . Be the best you . I spent close to a year walking on egg shells in my house before my husband walked out the door . Why ? Because I didn’t want him to walk out the door . Guess what he did anyway . He also walked back in it because I stopped walking on eggshells and was just a better version of me . I never once asked him to come home . I did make him ask to move home .


These are what I'm working on now. baby steps, but still steps.

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Mixed signals are just that . Confusion . He tries to keep you as his other option. Throwing you just enough that you are still hanging on . Let go of them .

Look at good and bad actions . This can be a challenge. Many only look at the good.

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Caligirl- I’m so happy for you. And thank you for coming back here and sharing your thoughts. It is always nice to hear success stories. You made me a bit more brave to hope.


BD: Sep 2019
D in progress
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I do think there are more success stories and people just fall off . I will say I don’t come on here nearly as much as I should .

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Hi CG,

So great to hear from you smile Glad things are going well! I'm still working on letting go but I'm getting much closer-- you are a total inspiration smile

M


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Originally Posted by Caligirl


When someone is truly ready to reconcile you will know . I heard this many times and a few times I thought H was heading that way then he would run back into craziness . You will know when actions are solid . They stay solid.


Such a relevant piece of advice for those of us trying to gain hope from breadcrumbs.

Quote
Let go of every possible outcome . The good , the bad or the unknown . You can’t predict what is going to happen . You can only control you and how you handle you . This was a hard balance “the unknown “

GAL - this for me is still one of my number ones . There are times you just have to take a break and find you . GAL does not have to be sky diving or running a marathon . Sometimes I just go shopping alone and buy house items to decorate . It what I like to do .

Do not be scared to be you . Be the best you . I spent close to a year walking on egg shells in my house before my husband walked out the door . Why ? Because I didn’t want him to walk out the door . Guess what he did anyway . He also walked back in it because I stopped walking on eggshells and was just a better version of me . I never once asked him to come home . I did make him ask to move home .

So a few months in I can say I do not know how much he has changed but more how I have changed . Minimal disagreements between us but mainly because I have learned not to fuel anything . It’s not that I am a punching bag or he can walk all over me either . I learned to accept some of him . He likes more time out with his friends ... the more I pay no mind to it an odd thing happened he actually invites me to go now . Sometimes I go , sometimes I don’t.

The hurt doesn’t just go away . It’s still there . H has apologized for it more than once it’s just going to take some time . It does get better but sometimes I still look at him and think you destroyed me and now look .

The fog does clear sometimes . My H laid in bed and said I never thought I could be so happy with my wife months ago .

I still plan things without H . Funny thing now is he tends to invite himself . I planned a vacation without him just me and the kids . I have done this before not unusual. He looked at me and said I really wanna go . After I picked myself up off the floor , I actually laughed at him . When he moved out he berated me saying how he hates the vacations I dragged him on for years . He listed every single one in rage .I made sure to point that one out .

I’m not on here as much as I would like but this site didn’t save my marriage . It saved me which then played a big part in saving my marriage . It made me strong . My own person . It was my journal with tears in my eyes some nights .



thanks for your update. I have been processing your words and I really appreciate it so much. The lessons you have learned are invaluable for so many of us. I wish you the best of luck on your piecing.


the best apology is changed behavior.
***************
me: 45 h: 48
m: 23 T: 26
DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
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Hello there,

I am not familiar with your sitch, but am always glad when people continue to post after reconciling. Often people leave or don't think to update. I hope you will stay, continue to update your sitch and support others. If you have not already, please check out the piecing thread. Perhaps you can add something to it? We need more new perspectives around here!

Thank you!
Blu

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2832573


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Thanks blu ! You actually gave me the biggest 2x4 on my thread . Much appreciated. I haven’t figured out how to link my thread .

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Last edited by Caligirl; 01/28/20 02:22 AM.
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CG! Good to hear from you. I'm so glad that you and H are working through it together. I think the biggest take-away for any of us is to become better people for no one but ourselves. I hope that you and H continue to grow and learn to compromise. Every healthy relationship should have a good balance of give and take.

KG


LBW 32 - me
WW 31
T 7 M 4
No Kids
4 dogs

Separated 1y
Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
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This is a great, uplifting story, I’m so pleased that things are working out. I did smile at the bit about the mysterious sunburn.


M:49 H:49
T:20 M:18
D:16 D:14

EA: Feb 2019-May 2020
Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020
H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020
EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020
Recon #2: since Nov 2020
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I discovered the three magic words that may turn my sitch around. "I'm outta here" Wow. I'l elaborate when things play out.

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