Spouse on the brink

[spoused2]

I have been married for more than a decade. During the marriage, I experienced a lot of personal growth. He has not. He refuses to deal with any issues between us. He is says everything was good enough. He has never taken responsibility for his part in our problems. (Everything is 100% my fault according to him.) I had decided to seek the help of a therapist to process these feelings I was having: anger, resentment, loneliness.

I started my own business in 2014, so I could become financially independent as part of my plan to end the marriage. Earlier this year, I was getting antsy. And I decided that I had enough. I told him I wanted to end the marriage. He did all the things. He cried he begged, he pleaded. But I was so dead inside that I didn't care. Honestly, if he would have said "okay" and been calm, that would have been the preferred outcome. He was sad and mopey for months. Then I started to notice a change. First, I saw he ordered the book on our Amazon account. I looked at the computer and saw he was visiting this site. I lurked to see what this site was . I applaud that people want to save the marriage. I do.

But it probably won't save mine.

I can hardly stand my spouse. Every day I say to myself, “I don't like you.” It is so difficult for me. Other people do not like him, either. He is not very social. We are not friends with any couples because no one likes him. I realize I may be rewriting some history. We did have love at some point.

I have not had an affair of any kind. I generally think that it is not a response to my situation. If he or I had an affair, I'd say it's over.

[Ready2Change]

Anything you need support with?

[Cadet]

I started my own business in 2014, so I could become financially independent as part of my plan to end the marriage.

Did you tell him you were taking steps to end the marriage back in 2014? You also said you went to see a therapist, did you tell him about that? I am not saying you had to do these things, I am honestly just curious.

Every day I say to myself, “I don't like you.”

They did an interesting thing on the show "Brain Games" where a person who was previously very good at something told themselves over and over again they were lousy at it. What they found was the more the person convinced themselves they were not good the worse they got. Have you ever thought to look for at least one good thing about him each day and try to build on that? I am not saying it would save your relationship but at least it would help your own heart. In the end I see this site as healing oneself and with that the relationship will follow. Maybe you can use this site to help heal yourself of the anger, resentment, and loneliness. As you heal, do your individual work, and look for his positives, and hopefully he works to improve himself maybe you will both find happiness in each other again. If not at the very least you become a better person for yourself.

[job]

spoused2,

Thank you for finally coming forward and creating a thread of your own. As you can see, posters are interested and want to help you if they can.

My concern is that if your h is coming here and reads your situation, he may put two and two together. Also, if you both are using the same computer, he may very well check the system to see where you've been, i.e., just as you put two and two together w/the book purchase and then lurking here for a time.

[sandi2]

Hi Spouse2, I'm Sandi2. I'm glad you have started a thread. The things you've been saying about men is ringing a familiar sound to me. When I joined the board in 2007, I was very much on the brink. I owe my ole mentors a lot of credit for telling me the things I needed to hear. I felt there was not another person like me on the board, b/c the vast majority are what we call, the LBS (left behind spouse, either physically or emotionally in the MR). They are the ones who show up here, b/c they are desperate to save their M. I bought Divorce Remedy, at the board members suggestion,.......to discover it was mostly directed to those who want to save their M, and are willing to do the work. I wasn't sure I wanted to save my MR. I was pretty sure my H would ever change, and I was too emotionally dead to take that challenge again.

I wasn't what you'd call a "sweetheart" with some board members, but as a whole, was treated well. I don't know if you have reached the place I did, but I had a massive amount of resentment toward my H. It was all I could do to be in the same room with him for five minutes.

My emotional needs had not been met in years. Then I started a behavior that I had NEVER done in my life, that involved the Internet. I quickly found myself in an EA. Not only was my A still going when I came to the board, I had already started to tell my grown kids little things to prepare them for when I would leave and go to the OM.

I encourage you to post more on your thread, so that others may have a designated place to respond to your sitch. You may wonder why I am still hanging around after all this time. I want to pay forward the help I received. I mostly post to LBH's, b/c you'd be shocked know just how many of them have NGS, with the whole passive thing going on in their lives. I saw where you had responded to the subject of Alphas, and said something to the effect that it sounds like a bunch of beta guys trying pump the alpha mentality. You are right! There are a lot of confused guys who have no idea how to interact with a strong, independent woman. They go into the M thinking the way to keep the wife happy, is by basically letting her have her way all the time, while he keeps his head down and mouth closed. He becomes a doormat, doesn't know her love language or how to fill her emotional needs, and has no idea how to be a leader of his family. Therefore, you will see a lot of talk on the board about how these passive nice guys need to get need to get respect from their W, and what needs to change in them to get it. It might seem hype to you, but it has actually turned some men around. And, those guys who don't bust a D, have gained enough self esteem they can handle it and move on.

I'm going to ask some questions, to hopefully help us see your sitch better. What are the ages of you & H? Any kids, and if so what are their ages? Since you've given your H the "bomb drop", can you give an approximate date? You can put these on your signature page, which helps up to remember.

Have either of you been in an inappropriate relationship with someone outside the M? Have you considered it, since you are not happy in the current MR? I'm not just talking about an affair (you said none), but what about texting others, or having a friendship with someone that excludes your spouse? Have you ever had an imaginary affair, or an emotional affair?

I have been married for more than a decade. During the marriage, I experienced a lot of personal growth. He has not.

Same in my sitch, except I've been married since the dawn of the universe.

He refuses to deal with any issues between us. He is says everything was good enough.

Good enough? Like, "Hold up, we've had quite enough happiness. We don't want to get too happy!"

I had decided to seek the help of a therapist to process these feelings I was having: anger, resentment, loneliness.

I hear ya! Same with me, only I did not seek therapy. If I had, maybe I would not have had an A,

But I was so dead inside that I didn't care.

If you had told us nothing more than that one sentence........it would have alerted me. The "feeling dead" is absolutely horrible, and perhaps the LBH's think it should be no problem to snap out of it, but it's not that simple. I felt as if I had no energy left to give my MR, and furthermore, I had always been the one who put "energy" into the relationship. It certainly wasn't my TV addicted, passive H. I suggest the resentment you are carrying around is taking a toll on your mental energy, also. Just a guess. I was so bitter toward my H, that I couldn't muster up enough concern to care. Plus, I would get frustrated at a few board members who sounded as if they thought I, Sandi2, was to blame for the downfall of my MR! Didn't they hear me say how I had always been the worker?

Then I started to notice a change. First, I saw he ordered the book on our Amazon account. I looked at the computer and saw he was visiting this site. I lurked to see what this site was

Years back, there was a LBH who joined the board, and his WAW accidentally discovered it. Long story short, their M was saved, and they both posted on the board quite a while.

I can hardly stand my spouse. Every day I say to myself, “I don't like you.” It is so difficult for me. Other people do not like him, either. He is not very social. We are not friends with any couples because no one likes him. I realize I may be rewriting some history. We did have love at some point.

I truly understand what you are saying. May I suggest one small thing to do during the rest of this month? Stop reminding yourself how you can barely stand him.

I blamed everything on my H, and my mindset was filled with negativity. I told you how frustrated I would become at certain board members, but let me tell you two things I was told that really sunk into my mindset.

1. You are the one who showed up, so you get the advice from the board.....not your H. (but in your case, both of you will be getting help)

2. You are responsible for your own happiness, not your H.

Spouse2 please check your thread often, b/c I have a feeling it's going to take off fast.

[job]

Sandi,

Your posting is spot on. Unfortunately, spoused2 is no longer a poster on the forum.

[hoosjim]

But I was so dead inside

Hi, spoused2!

The above sentence... haunts me. When i first heard it from my W, it hit me pretty hard-- I had never hear anyone describe their frame of mind that way. (The exact words my own W used were ""I feel like I'm dying inside.") What hit me even harder, of course, was my discovery, less than two weeks later, that she was involved in an affair with one of my closest friends.

But whether it is actively engaging in an affair or simply "leaving" the marriage, it never ceases to amaze me how many marriages get so far down that dark road before either spouse takes action to shake things up. My own marriage was a sex-starved marriage (SSM) for several years prior to my W's BD. She had even come to me twice previously saying she was sad, or upset with the way things were between us, and once, well prior to the affair, had even said she was going to leave and half-packed her bag. Both times, she relented, and we just... kept... plodding...along. Until that final bomb drop, when she was obviously much more strident in her statements to me and shortly thereafter was caught in her affair... then things started happening fast. Boy did I start changing things up after that (though it took me just a bit to go from weeping/pleading/begging/appeasing to hitting me stride as the stronger, more independent guy that I had been years ago and that i knew i could be again). Problem was, she had finally stepped out, seemingly for good... at least that was her intention and she was acting accordingly. Fast forward nearly a year and a half later, when our reconciliation/counseling attempts were at least somewhat promising but still, in many respects, just... plodding... along. Until I found out she was still entertaining periodic phone calls from OM... and I blew things up myself by telling her i was done, that i wanted her gone, and by walking out on her. And that was the beginning of real progress between us.

I guess what i am trying to say is that it seems like marriages too easily fall into this state of disrepair and unhappiness and non-fulfillment, or even outright despair, and inertia just keeps either party from doing anything to save them. By the time one party finally speaks up strongly enough and/or acts out... it is often too late. I'm certainly not blaming my W 100% for the state our marriage had reached (nor am I taking 100% of the blame), but it seems to me that if either spouse took catalytic action earlier in the marriage-- and I am talking something that really gets the others' attention and makes clear that the marriage is on the precipice of being over, that more marriages might be saved. How that happens, I have no clue, it seems like people and marriages seem to fall into the same patterns over and over and over... but i do know that as bad as things had gotten in my own marriage, as hopeless as it (and I) must have seemed to my W, and as indifferent as I, too, had become in many ways... I did not, at the end of the day, want my marriage to end. I had been in love with this person, once, and could be again. I truly think i could have been convinced of the depth of the problem without being smacked over the head with an affair-- if I had ever been convinced by my W that she might actually leave. Same way with my W, later on. I don't think it really hit her how much she wanted the marriage, and me, until it became clear that I might actually leave. So maybe that's the key. It is said here that "they will never find you so attractive as when you are walking away." Maybe if more spouses knew how close their own spouse was to leaving them and ending the marriage before they actually decided to leave, more could be saved.

You're apparently already past the phase of wanting to save the MR... Or not(?) If not, maybe give some of the DB-ing techniques a chance for both you and your H. Instead of dwelling on how much you "dislike" him... try to notice any new positive things he is doing. For your own part, instead of dwelling on your misery, find ways to "GAL" yourself, or change old habits that might have been hurtful to you and/or your H (what we call "180s"). Try to find inner joy and confidence and love for self. You can't have a good relationship with someone else unless you already have one with "you".

Anyway, hope this is in some way helpful. I realize that i wrote an entire book, above, and likely gave you very little helpful advice. But, as it did when my own W said it, your "feeling dead inside" statement resonated with me. It likely did with your H, as well. Unless things are completely, irretrievably off the rails... why not think about giving him a chance? Or at least think about putting things in a holding pattern while you work on "you" for a while.

Best of luck.

[sandi2]

Your posting is spot on. Unfortunately, spoused2 is no longer a poster on the forum.

Oh no! I hate to hear it, but thanks for letting us know.

[Ready2Change]

Your posting is spot on. Unfortunately, spoused2 is no longer a poster on the forum.

Oh no! I hate to hear it, but thanks for letting us know.

She may still read this thread. I think the more important thing is all the MEN here need to read her thread and understand what they are truly dealing with.

Every guy here should memorize this post:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...ain=45226&Number=1899726#Post1899726



Sandi2, Thank you for everything you do here. HUGS

[LH19]

I hate to break the news to you guys but I think spoused2 was Mario/Iowadad trying to prove his point that WWs have valid reasons for leaving. Read all his/her posts.