Standing Up For Whatever Comes Next pt 6

[CanBird]

Can, I urge you to set up times that D3 will be calling him and stick to those. It took me a long while to train my H to follow a schedule and he still constantly screws it up but it is for D3. My D10 was in constant anxiety and worry because there was no schedule. Once we had a schedule, she could just depend on that. Even if he didn't always call or come at the appointed time, it meant that all the rest of the time she wasn't constantly asking and checking. It limited the times she expected to hear from him and thus limited the times she could be disappointed. I saw a huge drop in anxiety when she adjusted to it. It will also allow you to plan life for you and D3 without that constant need to be at the phone or to wonder and worry, less stress for all and a good boundary for H. Trust me on this!

Hi Gerda! I agree on this. I've been too nice about it. Today when speaking with MIL I told her 00 spoke to D3 & how I was disappointed in his lack of interest in setting up a call schedule. As difficult as it might be for him, with a time difference (11hrs.. my guess 99.9% sure) if there is a will there is a way.

He's NOT at work. He's got nothing but FREE time. (When he's at work it's very different). Until then, there should be something in place that we agree on.

Any tips on what to say? How to word it "nicely?"

[DnJ]

Good Morning Can

I’ve got my fingers crossed for a good call about the job. I’d even cross my toes if I could.

Nice to see you happy with the interview. Oh, and don’t worry about the distance, I drive one hour each way for work, it’s not so bad.

Gerda gave you good advice for scheduling time for H and D3 to talk. On how to tell him. Figure out what you want. How often - daily, weekly, T,Th,Sat - whatever schedule you see working out well. And what times, given work day considerations, bath time, etc... Then tell him, politely, and business like. Factual.

- - - -
Something like:

D3 is a busy little bundle of energy. It’s surprising just how full her day gets. On Wednesdays and Saturdays, at 7:00pm my time, she will be available for a phone call if you wish.
- - - -

Have a great day.

DnJ

[Gerda]

[quote=Gerda](11hrs.. my guess 99.9% sure) if there is a will there is a way.

He's NOT at work. He's got nothing but FREE time. (When he's at work it's very different). Until then, there should be something in place that we agree on.

Any tips on what to say? How to word it "nicely?"

Yes, but there is no will. H has a very strong will right now and it's driven only toward H's needs. There is a way though. It's your way, and your way is about D's needs, not H's needs.

I don't think you should word it nicely. I think you should word it as the custodial parent. I worded everything nicely for seven years and now I am being forced to spend tens of thousands of dollars to be monthly eviscerated by H and his lawyer wording everything viciously.

Not that you should word it viciously. But I don't think you should tiptoe about D3 ever. My advice to all LBS's out there in DB Land has changed -- my advice is no contact. Heart open, mouth (and ears and eyes, whenever possible) closed. Friendly, professional, factual.

H, we need to have a schedule for D3. She gets very anxious about the timing of calls and it's hard for us to plan our day without a set time. (You can also cut out the previous sentence if you are brave enough not to explain,but it may be good for future parenting records that you did make the reason clear.) I suggest Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7 pm and Saturdays at 9 am. Let me know if that works or suggest a different time. All best, Can.

Once you have a schedule, you can tell D3 that H has to work a lot but whenever he can call, those are the times he can call, so she doesn't have to worry about missing him at other times. I would also have some other fun thing you do when the app is open in case he doesn't call, to reduce the disappointment-- e.g. that's baking time and/or craft time or music time, and you leave the app open in case Daddy calls during baking/craft/music/movie time. When it's not those times, the app is never open. And if thus if H tries at other times, you don't notice and he never gets through at those times. You have to train him via boundaries, not discussion. Block the history if you can, so you won't drive yourself crazy looking to see if he called at other times. If he asks, you provide no explanation -- just something like, "Sorry, just need to stick to the schedule so that D3 can have routines and rituals."

That's my two cents, having been through h3ll (and not back, not even close to back yet).

[Westo]

I absolutely agree with what Gerda advises above. As she says “there is no will”.

He proved that last year when you didn’t here from him for seven months.

No contact, no nice words just a business like schedule for his calls to D3.

Can, there is a very real possibility that D3 (if she’s ‘lucky’) will only see him at birthdays and Christmas..... for years.

There is a possibility she won’t see him, in the flesh, for a very long time. It happens, a lot.

You have a great mindset. You are doing incredibly well.

You are a fantastic mum!

[peacetoday]

yes

only time will tell..Mlcer seem to be a little different in the way they parent and a lot the same

I found for my situation, he was a vanisher
for the first 2 years after Bomb...he maintained a disney dad relationship with his kids
after that gone

I would expect nothing
its ok to ask, but personally I didnt push for him to be available because he could not so it

You will know more and more in time
as for now...its the waiting game to see if he can or will consistantly show up

[CanBird]

~J~ I sent emails to 00; one regarding business and the other re D3.

I hope 00 isn't a vanisher. It breaks my heart that a parent could do this, and yet the reality is some do. And that selfish WAS will live with that guilt forever. I'm looking at my sweet girl now and she has no idea what's really going on.

By for now

[OwnIt]

Can, it is a distinct possibility that he will vanish. It is also a possibility that he won't vanish. Only time will tell.

Mine has vanished from time to time, sometimes for long periods of time. I have two children, a D19 and an S16. D wants nothing to do with my H (whom I call OD). She hasn't seen or spoken to him in almost 3 years now. S craves a relationship with him and continues to take his crumbs.

I know it feels worse because she is so young, but that she is young may make it easier for her. My children were teens when dad left and preteens in the years leading up to leaving. They have memories of all of it and knowledge of how he manipulated our lives (sending my D to boarding school to cover his affair, taking my S to practices in a distant place to have trysts with the OW1) to accomplish his affairs.

Your D will know the life you make for her. The love you give her. That will be her memory. In truth most of us remember nothing from that age. If he is a dad that is there sometimes and not others, or not at all, that will be her reality. But what she will member is being loved and feeling safe and that is 100% in your power to give her.

I was told very early on that my children would do as well as I did. I wish I had taken that more to heart and worked more on myself for them instead of walking around like the half-dead. I was also told that my S needed fun. I have been terrible about that. I think you are doing a great job for your D. I see the focus you make on her. You have pulled your head out of your you-know-what early to do this. That is huge.

[CanBird]

~J~ Continuing to struggle mentally. I feel like I'm in reply. As if BD just happened. It's more REAL for me now than when 00 was just away at work. I have to STOP my brain from wondering about his jouney. I tell myself "The grass isn't always greener". Whatever helps I guess.

I am taking care of the home, the pool, the landscaping, with D3 helping me. Let's not forget the inside of the home. I'm also the landlord to the rental on our property. Still working same part-time job. Still applying for full-time jobs in my field.

GAL? I did workout last week. Its been awhile. We do met up with friends here and there. I love gardening, and since letting our landscaper go, I've really gotten back into it. I'm a home body! For D3 I try to get us away from home more & do playdates. I'm just in a dark place sometimes.

That's all really. As positive as I can be, I'm feeling down. Time for more self talk.

[job]

CanBird,

Sounds like you are staying very busy, not only w/D3, but the yard, pool, inside the home and being a landlord. Those things can qualify as GAL as well because you aren't sitting around thinking about what your h is doing, etc.

Keep applying for positions...something is bound to open up. Tourist season is going to be getting fairly busy in the next month or so.

Keep focusing on yourself and also be kind to yourself. You've got a lot on your plate and do not hesitate to ask friends/neighbors to help you out.

Hugs to your precious little one. Take care of yourself!

[peacetoday]

Hi Can

WE all get the dark places and we have all traveled there during this process
Grieving is difficult and when things were more unknown ,,,we could put grief off

Use this time as a rest time
grieve, breath, meditate, read, post. relax, yoga, journel, therapy, eat healthy, take up dancing or music
enjoy D3

It gave me peace to know My children, would be with me...even though XH would not

Now many years later..we are a very close family without XH
My kids are sucessfull ..No one talks about him
It is healed and totally over
Both have done therapy and do as needed but the scars do not hold them back

I would love to see XH for closure
I would love to see him as a good father as he once was..but it looks doubtful as he still seems to be in the dark and not seeking recovery
As for me...I have moved on