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A Message from Michele
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Standing Up For Whatever Comes Next pt 6 #2882181
01/24/20 07:06 PM
01/24/20 07:06 PM
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Posts: 529
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CanBird Offline OP
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Last edited by job; 01/24/20 07:13 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread

~Never Give Up~
2019
BD Mar
Apr-Nov(H away/ wrk)
BD June
Nov H home
Dec Aow/xgf
2020 Jan H wants D
H flys to ow
March D signed..NOT filed!?
2gther 4 Covid
April 22 H back to work
Oct 22/20 D FINAL
Re: Standing Up For Whatever Comes Next pt 6 [Re: CanBird] #2882205
01/24/20 10:02 PM
01/24/20 10:02 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,701
Southern Maryland
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Thinking of you and your family and hoping today is a little bit better for all of you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Standing Up For Whatever Comes Next pt 6 [Re: CanBird] #2882265
01/25/20 12:21 PM
01/25/20 12:21 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 529
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CanBird Offline OP
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~J~ Here we are, at the beginning of the D. It's happening. Believe it or not, had a fun family evening. Then H & I talked at home. We'd had a few drinks, not the best time to talk but we did. Glad I saw a lawyer. He's got legal assistance filling forms out. Nothing to be signed until my citizenship goes through. (That process is in motion already).

It's a weird place to be, but will figure it out. H is itching to leave. MIL leaves soon. H might leave before or after. Basically, I cant count on him to help me out with D3 anymore. I'm acting as if he's gone already. Tomorrow he's packing stuff up while I'm at work. It's got to happen sooner or later. He's getting what he wants. I've detached already. This man is my kids father. That's it.

One Day At A Time. Sad to be here, but it is what it is. I asked H again if MIL knows about his affair. This time he said no. I'm feeling a lot of anger right now. Glad I got a lawyer. Well, guess I'll be getting one. I cant do this alone. I'm surprised I'm doing okay. I have my moments.

Time to start thinking about my future without H now. I am not in a marriage anymore. He's my kids father. It's all business. It stings a bit, but I'll be okay.


~Never Give Up~
2019
BD Mar
Apr-Nov(H away/ wrk)
BD June
Nov H home
Dec Aow/xgf
2020 Jan H wants D
H flys to ow
March D signed..NOT filed!?
2gther 4 Covid
April 22 H back to work
Oct 22/20 D FINAL
Re: Standing Up For Whatever Comes Next pt 6 [Re: CanBird] #2882274
01/25/20 02:08 PM
01/25/20 02:08 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,561
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DnJ Offline
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Good Morning Can

(((CanBird)))

It does sting. Heck, itís downright painful!

You are doing so very well. You see the truth and how lost he is. Yes, H has step outside the marriage. At this present time there is business to take care of. You will do fine. Really.

He wants out and MLCers will run over anyone and anything to get what they want. Donít get in the way of their running; you will be mowed down. You are wise to stand aside and let him go.

Youíve detached, now get a firm hold on indifference. IMHO, you are closer to this than you may realize.

As for telling MIL about the affair. I wouldnít.

She probably suspects. Everyone suspects someone is cheating when things go this sideways in a relationship. Itís because for a staggering percentage, like 99.999% (I made that up but itís probably not far off), there is an affair.

If MIL directly asks you, I would tell her the truth. Otherwise, let H and his Mom figure out the lies from the truths in their relationship. You keep your side of the street clean; H can clean his.

I absolutely agree that D3 is now your sole responsibility. You cannot count on her father. Oh my goodness, I know how painful that is too face and accept. D3 is very young, but she will have questions in the future. Like why did Dad leave us?

I see you being an excellent mother. Be the best you, you can will be. That is a very rewarding journey. You are already upon that path, continue going forward.

DnJ


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S22 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Standing Up For Whatever Comes Next pt 6 [Re: CanBird] #2882305
01/25/20 05:09 PM
01/25/20 05:09 PM
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OwnIt Offline
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Can, you have been a great DBer in giving him time and space, and I think you are going to do just as well moving ahead for you. What he does with that will largely be out of your control and on a timeline that is daunting. You are already making a great life for you and D3 and you know have grown used to being alone and single-parenting through his long absences. Those things, and your positive, no-nonsense attitude will serve you well.

Re: Standing Up For Whatever Comes Next pt 6 [Re: CanBird] #2882328
01/25/20 08:57 PM
01/25/20 08:57 PM
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kml Offline
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I still disagree about telling MIL about the affair. Maybe not right now (because it might anger H and cause him to fight you on divorce issues). But once the dust settles and the ink is dry on the divorce, Iíd tell her. Youíre close to her and it might inspire her to be more helpful to you and your daughter as you raise her.

Room Mate is Moving Out . Leaving the Country. [Re: CanBird] #2882361
01/26/20 07:28 AM
01/26/20 07:28 AM
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CanBird Offline OP
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~J~ Room mate moved his belongings into the garage to sort through. Most of his stuff. I went in there to ask a few things. One thing was to watch D3 on a certain day. He can't because he bought a plane ticket. He leaves next week. I noticed his cell. I glanced over & saw he'd been texting with ow. OUCH. No real suprise there. He acted so mad at himself, tears... give me a break. He was over the top nice & cooked dinner, payed lots of attention to D3. We"re civil.

We had another discussion about D. Information gathering stage & his rep will file after I get my citizenship. Months away....October.H.

Tbc... tired


~Never Give Up~
2019
BD Mar
Apr-Nov(H away/ wrk)
BD June
Nov H home
Dec Aow/xgf
2020 Jan H wants D
H flys to ow
March D signed..NOT filed!?
2gther 4 Covid
April 22 H back to work
Oct 22/20 D FINAL
Re: Room Mate is Moving Out . Leaving the Country. [Re: CanBird] #2882367
01/26/20 01:25 PM
01/26/20 01:25 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,561
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DnJ Offline
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Good Morning Can

I am glad you are seeing absurdity of his being all sad and angry at himself and still leaving. He bought a plane ticket to leave the country (from you new title) and is super nice and cooks diner.

I hope Iím wrong but Iíve this nagging doubt about the ďgoodnessĒ of his intentions. He is leaving the country. Fleeing. With no agreement or court ordered anything in place. Once his is out of the country then what? How do you make him pay? His good word? You know what thatís worth. Look at his actions!

Originally Posted by CanBird
Glad I saw a lawyer. He's got legal assistance filling forms out. Nothing to be signed until my citizenship goes through. (That process is in motion already).

Originally Posted by CanBird
We had another discussion about D. Information gathering stage & his rep will file after I get my citizenship. Months away....October.H.

Is this from H? Or from your lawyer?

I suspect this is H telling you this. Talk to your L and confirm this, because it sounds bogus to me.

Talk to your L and let him tell you how to proceed. Tell him that H is leaving the country. You might need some manner of emergency order against H.

Do not take anything H says at face value. The more you listen, the you more you will unwittingly believe him and his story. MLCers are masters at manipulating!

Seek your own advice from your own lawyer. Iím pretty sure you donít need to wait around until October before you can sign something and get some settlement and legal funding in place.

Sounds to me that H is pulling a fast one. Escaping. And I usually see the best in people; so take that for what ever that may be worth.

Please get you own plan in place.

DnJ


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S22 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Room Mate is Moving Out . Leaving the Country. [Re: DnJ] #2882369
01/26/20 02:05 PM
01/26/20 02:05 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,701
Southern Maryland
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CanBird,

DnJ is telling you the truth. Call your lawyer first thing in the morning and inquire about support money, etc., since your h is planning to leave the country. Your h may not tell you where to send things to him, so it's best to get something set in stone now. Sure, the divorce can take place after you gain citizenship, but you need something in place to protect you and your daughter in the monetary department.

MLCers will lie and gaslight you w/promises of doing the right thing. His guilt is making him do nice things for you and you. Do not believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He is running fast and hard. Get something in writing and I would even suggest that something be set up whereby his support money comes directly from his check into your account, i.e., direct deposit. That way you don't have to wonder when the money is coming.

Do not wait on this...it is very, very important to get this locked down NOW!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Room Mate is Moving Out . Leaving the Country. [Re: CanBird] #2882401
01/26/20 07:26 PM
01/26/20 07:26 PM
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Grace21 Offline
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CanBird,

I'm glad to see that you are separating your emotions from the business transaction of separation and divorce. It is worrysome he is going out of the country. You may be able to get an emergency court order for temporary support, I believe. Do so ASAP. They can even write it in to have him send it to a depository of sorts so he is accountable and there are records kept by the state. At least they do in my State. Ask your attorney about all of these options.

You seem to be taking charge in your mind, but do so in your actions too.

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
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